Year End (fairly) Spectacular

I'm not ready to say that the Random Game has overcome its drought, but I actually had some quality posts to choose from this week! (Note: Quality for the RG.) And better yet, they weren't all from the same person! (Note: Miss Aimee didn't win this week. It was bound to happen sooner or later. On the other hand almost 20 people did win, instead.)

The first winner this week is ANT Zornog, who gets 30 tokens, I'm not sure why. Zornog, don't interpret this to mean you *have* to post hundreds of messages in a week to win.

Subject: Re: Scarab
From: ANT Zornog
>>For centuries the evil sorcerer Scarab was burried alive....and now he's angry>>Insanum

Ahh, I see. . .

. . .coming to 20th Century Fox, a movie that moves technology to new heights. The action, the drama, the. . .cheese.

Scarab: The Cheese Story

"It was bad, but then again, that's how it was supposed to be." Gene Shalit, some TV show.

"A thumb and an index finger to cover up the smell." Siskel and Ebert.

"Uhhhh, I dunno." Hippie

25 years ago, super scientist Albert Scarab had a plan. . .a cheese plan.

Now, with the help of some kids and a talking dog, their plan may just work. . .But now, the plan has gone horribly wrong. The kids and the talking dog escaped the disaster, but Dr. Scarab. . .was lost.

But now he's back. . .and he's freakin' angry.

Starring Carl "Oldie" Olsen as Dr. Scarab, Jonathen Taran Noah Thomas as Butch, the head "kid," Barkalounger as Spot, the talking dog, and Roy Schneider as the President. Also starring David Bowie as the guy in the tights, Jay Leno as Dr. Chin, Scarab's friend who was killed in a horrible chin accident, and Killer as Spot's mortal enemy, Killer.

This epic adventure-drama-action-comedy flick should keep you on the edge of our seat. . .oh, and that large smelly stain should do that too.

Scarab: The Cheese Story. . .coming to a theater nowhere near you.

Copyright 1943 20th Century Fox Inc. Do not put movie in direct sunlight. Do not put water on movie. Do not sleep with movie still on. Do not let the drunk guy in the first row get naked. Always wear underwear during the movie. If the movie should bite, get iodine immediatly to sooth the pain and make you yell like the baby you are. Do not make eye contact with the movie.

Ingredients: Salt, sugar, love, pain, tears, eye of newt, some kind of fish paralyzer (SNL tag), antimatter, chopped up monkey balls, Yellow 23, Red 14, and Blue 42, Blue 42, Hut hut hut!!
* * * *
Subject: Re: Zornog's Thread of Amusing and/or Entertaining Thoughts
From: ANT Zornog
. . .And on the 1,450,000th day, He created The Random Game. And then He had second thoughts. . .

Now, I know Stotan is wondering where his tokens are for his prediction of the latter winning post. Well, you guessed he would get ten. You don't go away empty handed; it's you who gets 10 tokens, as do these other folks.

Subject: Re: Stotan's House of Wigs
From: Stotan9876
There's this gas station with a sign that says "Guns and other deadly weapons are not permitted." What the hell is that going to do?
Okay put our hands up. Oh wait, I can't have this in here. I'm sorry.
* * * *
Subject: Re: Kosmo's Milking Bucket Returns
From: CowKosmo
Signs that I have been inside in my room on the computer with no lights on way too long.
1. My solar power watch has completely stopped
2. Mail and papers are stacked up 5 feet high out by my mail box
3. The "You have been online for... minutes" thing has had to go back to 46 8 times.
4. I actually laugh at some of the stuff at TRG recently
5. I make a post like this.
* * * *
Subject: Re: Astronia's Astro stuff
From: Astronia
Quotation "marks" make ya sound so much "more sarcastic".
* * * *
Subject: Re: Zornog's Thread of Amusing and/or Entertaining Thoughts
From: Puterweeny
>>Alright, I see 7 of you RGers online and I want all of you posting NOW!!! Ya hear me? Come on, I'm waiting. . .I can wait ::checks watch:: exactly 14 minutes and 3 seconds. Lets go now. . .>>(Zornie)

You're not the boss of me. I'll post when I good and ready and not just because you tell me to.......hey, wait a minute.......
* * * *
Subject: Re: Look, ma! No subject title!
From: Kwakerjak
Why do parents spend thousands of dollars buying their kids video games, TVs, computers, CD players, and everything else in Radio Shack when could just spend $49.95 on a lava lamp?
* * * *
Subject: Re: Newstyle, Freestyle, Random Jamdom!!!
From: Hacksim
>>Ever hada chance to eat at a WAFFLE HOUSE? . . .>>
I had to eat there once when I was down in Columbus(GA.) the main thing I will remember from there is not the food, but the fact that if you play the juebox, it is possible to get songs that seem like crappy country music, but are actually commercials for the Waffle House.
* * * *
Subject: New Year's Resolutions
From: CrzyGirl87
One of my many New Year's Resolutions(much to everyone's delight) is to make FUNNY RG posts. I think it might be one of those ones that you forget about during the middle of January. Oh Well.
* * * *
Subject: Re: Matt's meager montage of monotonous balderdash?
From: LndonSleep
I sure am glad I wasn't a child acter, I might have wasted my adult life not doing anything of importance. Most unlike now when everyday I....uh, well, nevermind, at least I would have been famous!

Giving Lndon tokens the week she decides to leave is just the sort of action which should have some meaning behind it. It should, but it doesn't. Now, giving Carc and Repeatr 20 tokens certainly has a meaning behind it, which, like most things, I haven't figured out yet.

Subject: Re: Carc's Colorful Cache of Comedy
From: Carcazoid
Note to self: When making a beer float, stick with vanilla ice cream. Rocky road hurts too much on the way back up.
* * * *
Subject: Re: Carc's Colorful Cache of Comedy
From: Carcazoid
Well, it's-a one for the money
Two for the show
Three to get ready
Now grow, Chia Head, grow
* * * *
Subject: Re: Carc's Colorful Cache of Comedy
From: Carcazoid
Skibadee-bop-a-dee-bop, zow-a doo-wop-a-lop, zibby-dibby-za-zop, zee-bop, zow...

Sorry, I was scat-posting...
* * * *
Subject: Re: Sometimes you feel old school.
From: Repeatr621
Remember: when mailing packages, it's the girth that counts.

This has been a Repeater Holiday Tip.
* * * *
Subject: Re: Sometimes you feel old school.
From: Repeatr621
:::sung to a punk rock tune-with that annoying semi-British whine:::
I got no brain...I got no brain....
So that's why I play the Random Game.
I got no life...I got no life...
The Random Game's where I found my wife
This song's real dumb....real dumb
And now my brain is numb
I can't think of another verse
This can't get much worse!

I got no brain....I got no brain...
That's why I play the Random Game!

15 tokens to these people, because, um, because....it's New Year's? Yeah, that'll do. Who says I need a real reason?

Subject: The Incoherent Babblings Of A Phish
From: PHISH903
do you realize that if rearranged correctly, The Random Game actually spells out armmagedon? yes, i know its not the correct spelling, but isnt it close enough to tell you something?
* * * *
Subject: Autoerotic Asphyxiation
From: Conade
I found this in the references section of a webpage:

"9. S. Tough, J. Butt and G. Sanders, "Autoerotic Asphyxial Deaths:
Analysis of Nineteen Fatalities", Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 39
(April, 1994) p 158."

An article about autoerotic asphyxiation by Tough, Butt, and Sanders? That sounds a tad suspicious.
* * * *
Subject: Re: USAmen's Hard Drive
From: USAmen
I told my 5 year old daughter I was going to wait for Santa with my gun and make him leave all the toys in the sleigh tonight, and she started screaming, "Daddy, don't kill Santa Claus!" So I said I wasn't planning to, and that I intended to hold the gun to one of the reindeer's heads and tell Santa that if he didn't empty the sleigh, the reindeer gets it. So she started screaming, "Daddy, don't kill any reindeer either!" If this
kid didn't look just like me, I'd seriously consider having one of those paternity genetic tests done after the holidays.
* * * *
Subject: Re: My Fortnight Thread!
From: Tocadisco
I wonder some times...what If real life were like my online life?
Well, it wouldn't be so bad. I'd be a lot more popular for starters. I'd be Mr. Disco, that's funky already. If I ever feel lonely, well there's an infinite amount of rooms to go to, for every different interest. If I meet somebody I really like, well then...off to a private room.
Of course, i'd always be stalked...I do have some stalkers online. But I guess that comes with the fame of being Mr. Disco.
Wouldn't need a job, for a living I could talk about nonsense and hope to get a token in the process.
I guess the down side would be that some little guy would always be following me, saying, "Toca, you've been alive for 345,554,343,202 seconds, do you want to continue?"
* * * *
Subject: Fall's advertising
From: MitchRK
I've been trying all fall and winter to get the leaves to grow back on my trees by feeding them Rolaids. I thought that's what their slogan meant.
* * * *
Subject: Re: The Short Story Graveya-er, I mean Place of Holding
From: MC792
>>Alright, here we go. If y'all gots something to write, write it here. <<

A Few Religions That Did Not Catch On:

Hin-don't
Anglican't
Egyptian Ra, Ra, Siscoom Baah
Evil R' Us
Inca-dinka-do
Mother Mayan
Calvin and Hobbes-ism
Microsoftism
Quaker "Remember You're Still Under Oats" Society
In-Line Skaters' Holy Rollers
Voo-don't
* * * *
Subject: Re: Sal's Caprice.
From: DrSalina
11:00 am: Debated getting up.

12:00: Still debating.

12:30: Got a sudden urge to clean the house; mopped the kitchen, scrubbed the windows, fed the animals, organized the bookshelves in the parlor, put up the Christmas lights, swept the living room, fixed the VCR in the attic, ran several loads of laundry through the washer and dryer, sent out belated Christmas cards, wrapped my mother's presents, and read through every old winner's file in TRG with what energy I had left.

1:25: Woke up from a very strange dream involving house cleaning and online torture.

Sal will notice that her post got a bit squashed...you see, I needed to make room somewhere. Yep, that's right, one of the scripts won this week. And since Zornog and Conade already won...I guess that makes Dante's the 25-token winner, by default. That's the last winner, so scroll down only if you want to see me wish a Happy New Year's to you.

Subject: Dante's Inferno Returns!
From: Dante303
:::Rod Serlingesque:::
Imagine, if you will, a world, where hours, and tokens, just don't mix. Where Chicago is a guy, and Myrrh, is not a spice, but a HO. Where money, has, no meaning, except for, $19.95 a month. Where nobody knows your name...dededede de de...sorry. Where were we? Oh, yes. A world, of, meaningless, pauses, in, between, words....

You are entering...

THE RANDOM ZONE!

dodododododododododododododododo....

Today's Episode: The Random Revenge!

:::Tocadisco, Tansa, and Mephisto are driving along in a car down route 666:::

Tocadisco: I'm so glad we got away from that Random Game. Now our lives can get back to normal!
Tansa: Yeah, no more naked time!
Mephisto: I don't know...my sister vowed revenge on us for leaving.

:::their car breaks down:::

Tocadisco: Dangit, I knew I shouldn't have let MagicClams work on my car before we left!
Tansa: Hey, look! A dirty, run-down motel!
Mephisto: Looks perfectly suspicious! Let's stay there for the night!

:::as they enter the motel, the "Motel Kalifornia" sign breaks off and falls down revealing "Club Random" underneath:::

Tocadisco: Hello there! We need three rooms for the night, unless the ladies would like to bunk with me...
Tansa: No. I don't like naked.
Tocadisco: Very well...three rooms! My, don't you look familiar....
Caie Mac: Sorry, sir, never seen you in my life...here's your keys, now sign the guest register please.

:::they all sign the register, which promptly disappears in a burst of flames:::

Mephisto: What great special effects! I wonder what their floor show is like!
Caie Mac: It'll knock you dead. :::laughs:::
Tansa: Imagine that.

:::Tocadisco enters his room, unpacks, and turns on the TV:::

Carcazoid: Do you need a used car?
:::Tocadisco flips channel:::
Mr O: And now for the "I Love Dante Show!"
:::flips channel:::
Ruggy: Hi.....there...welcome...to...the...Psychedelic Hour....whoa.
:::flips channel:::
Kos: Do you need a good milking?
:::flips channel:::
Chriskolak: And now for the Adventures of JAVAMAN!
:::turns off TV:::
Tocadisco: Nothing good on. I'm gonna go eat dinner.

:::Tansa is in her room unpacking when she notices a small door in her closet:::

Tansa: That must be the laundry chute! :::opens door:::

:::Snipes emerges with a bloody axe and gets hit with all of Tansa's dirty laundry, causing him to fall back through the door:::

Snipes: Aw, crevice.
Tansa: Is somebody there? :::looks around::: Guess not. :::shuts door::: Well, I'm all done with my unpacking...I think I'll join Toca for dinner.

:::Mephisto is sitting on her bed reading People Magazine:::

Mephisto: Bill Clinton is one of 97's Most Intriguing People. Imagine that.

:::USAmen rises up from the foot of her bed with a bag of darts:::

USAmen: I'm gonna show you how to kill someone in Philly! :::throws some of the darts at Mephisto's head:::
Mephisto: Ooo! Princess Di expose!

:::Mephisto shifts position on the bed, narrowly missed by the darts, which thud into the headboard:::

USAmen: Dang.

:::as he prepares to throw the rest of the darts at her head, Mephisto's leg suffers a spasm and kicks him in the groin:::

USAmen: ow.

:::he blacks out and falls back behind the bed:::

Mephisto: That was a fascinating article. I'm going to go eat dinner with Toca and Tansa.

:::they enter the dining room and are greeted by the maitre'd, who looks extremely familiar:::

Krazyk: Hello and welcome to the Cl...er, I mean, Motel Kalifornia dining room! Please sit down. Who's your daddy?
Tocadisco: Pardon me?
Krazyk: Oops. I meant to say, what would you like to eat? The corn is lovely today.
Tansa: The corn sounds good. It wouldn't happen to be NAKED corn, would it?
Krazyk: No, all of our corn is fully clothed.
Tansa: Good. The corn it is!
Mephisto: What is this? "Cajun Newbie?"
Krazyk: That is our chef Khaleth's specialty! Burnt and blackened newbie with spicy peppers and cilantro! Delicious! We just got a fresh shipment of newbies in, too!
Mephisto: Sounds perfect to me.
Krazyk: And what would you like to eat, sir?
Tocadisco: Just give me a bottle of that "Absolut Onliner." Would you recommend it?
Krazyk: It's one hell of an American vodka!
Tocadisco: Very good.
Krazyk: Do I have everyone's orders? Yes? Okay, sit back, have a breadstick and enjoy your entertainment for the evening!

:::the curtains on the stage part and HO Myrrh is sitting there on a throne of tokens, flanked on either side by Krazy on a throne of corn and Dante303 on a throne of fire. Various Randomers are beside them, including Khaleth in a very bright shade of red, USAmen, Caie Mac, Kos, Repeatr, PaulCrash, Chriskolak, and Snipes. Mr Onliner prods Toca, Tansa, and Mephisto onto the stage with flaming corn:::

HO Myrrh: Tocadisco, Mephisto, and Tansa, you three are charged with attempting to leave the Random Game. How do you plead?
Tocadisco: Um...please please please please don't kill us?
HO Myrrh: SILENCE! :::whacks Toca with a bag of tokens:::
Tocadisco: But, you wanted me to plead!
HO Myrrh: I know that! :::whacks him with another bag of tokens:::
Tocadisco: Plead, wanted to me you but...
HO Myrrh: SILENCE! :::whack:::
Tocadisco: You....plead...me...but...to..wanted...ooof. :::falls on the floor:::
Krazy: We won't kill you. We've chosen a fate worse than death.
Tansa: Not....
Mr Onliner: That's right! AN ETERNITY OF NAKED TIME FOR TANSA!
Tansa: NOOOOOOOO!

:::Tansa is cast screaming into the portal to Naked Time 24-7:::

Tocadisco and Mephisto: mommy!
HO Myrrh: Your mommies can't help you now! Only Dante can!
Tocadisco: Dante! Remember your Cabana Boy?
Mephisto: Remember your sister? Your flesh and blood?
Dante: Yep.
Tocadisco: Then you won't punish us, will you?
Dante: Sort of.
Mephisto: Whaddaya mean, sort of?
Dante: You will suffer a three-month tenure at Wise Asses, and then you must return to the Random Game and start THREADS!
Tocadisco: Well, that's not so bad.
Mephisto: You obviously don't remember Wise Asses.

:::Dante pulls a lever and Toca and Mephisto fall down, down, dooooowwwwwwn, until they hit bottom in an even seedier hotel:::

:::WHAM!:::
Tocadisco: Ouch. Me bum.
Mephisto: Are we in Wise Asses?
HcklrKitty: Who the hell are you?
C Ewe Later: I think they're snerts.
Mephisto: Where are we?
Monty: You're in our Force-a-FOOL hotel...get the hell out!
Dodienbri: Wait...I recognize them...they're from the RANDOM GAME!
All the Wise Asses: AAAAAAAAACK! RANDUMB GAMERS!
HeknForcer: I'll run them over with my tractor!
HekuvaFOOL: Killthemnow! Killthemnow!

:::they chase Tocadisco and Mephisto all over the hotel waving pitchforks and torches, while the Randomers look on and laugh maniacally:::

Randomers: Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

:::Rod Serlingesque:::
So there you have it. A tale, of revenge, of, what, could happen, if you ever, try to leave...

THE RANDOM ZONE!

dodododododododododododododododododododododododo...

Happy New Year's to you! And for those of you whose religion doesn't celebrate New Year's well, Happy 1997, again.