Wednesday, August 7th, 1996. America Online just went Off-line. We now speak to some online workers to find out just WHAT the problem was.
Worker1: "uhhhh, computers???"
Worker2:" Okay. . . . .Lenny, tell me about the puppies"
Hmm, it would appear that we'll need to speak to a supervisor.
"Yes, well, I was apalled, we couldn't do a THING to reverse it!"
I see, could you be more specific as to what "it" is
"Absolutely, you see, we were loading new software, when all of a sudden, it stopped, we didn't regain control till 10:45 p.m."
What caused it to stop?
"I don't know, but the message we were gettting read "Please wait, loading new art into America online. It was obviously some sort of hacker plot. I mean, the status bar kept filling up to 100% and then resetting. I'd never seen anything like it in my life!"
Try signing on. . . .well, that's all for now, I'm Zhane2 saying "Pick my entry because I know where you live" Back to you Steve Case...............
"Lenny, tell me about the puppies" (Zhane2)
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the grass is always greener on the side with more animals (CAnder1301)
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Troub and I are not the same person, he just wishes he could be inside a 25 year old woman. (Biochick1)
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Hey SourSoda - let me ask you something. Did I ever say I was smart? Did I ever claim to be smart? Did I ever say, "Oh, my I am so smart?" I think not. If I may be so bold as to play armchair psychologist (although you'll excuse me if I remain seated in the actual seat rather than perching on the armchair, won't ya? Thanks.) you, my little friend, are feeling insecure and taking all your frustrations out on me. And it's not fair dammit!! Besides I have a BMW. (No, not really.) (Biochick1)
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In fact, my last car was a 1978 Volvo Station wagon. I put flourescent flowers on it. Needless to say, my friends were mortified. (Biochick1)
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So, let me get this straight. The culling has occured, and it's just me and MagicClams left? Okay, I'll bring the beer, you bring the nachos and we'll meet on the top of the Empire State building. Let's bring some eggs too so we can throw them off the roof...and some pennies so we can see if it's really true if you throw a penny off a high building it can kill someone (although everyone will already be dead, so nix that). I hope you play cards, because it could get kind of boring. Okay, let the culling begin! (I like the word culling, it kind of reminds me of gyrating gals on SoulTrain. No, not really.) (Biochick1)
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Tocadisco - I send you a poem, written from pain and sorrow and you post it for all the world to see? What kind of heartless monster are you? Geez, give a guy a little credit for comin' up with a dang "Three line novel" topic and he becomes a madman. You've hurt me for the last time Toca. (Biochick1)
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Hey - do you get sour cream from cows in the bitter barns? (Biochick1)
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Y'know why? (Biochick1)
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Chicken thigh. (Biochick1)
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My father went threw a stage where he thought the "Chicken butt" joke was the essence of humor. He went on and on with variations of theme ("Can I ask you one thing?" "Chicken wing!!"). Finally my brother begged him to stop. My father said, "Well, can I just make one last request?" "What," answered Lew, "Chicken breast!" How we laughed and laughed and laughed. (Biochick1)
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In case anyone got confused and said, "Hey who's that Lew guy?" -- my brother's name is Lew. Just wanted to clear up any potential confusion. (Biochick1)
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You're welcome. (Biochick1)
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Is it just me, or are the dirth of top ten lists becoming annoying? (Now, I don't mean, is it just ME that's annoying...I mean is it just me that's annoyed. You're welcome.) Especially ones that AREN'T FUNNY. (I'm not mentioning any names though, SourSoda.) (Biochick1)
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I think (maybe) that I (might) use too many parathetesis (boy is THAT spelled wrong!). But (really) they are so much fun (and not just to write, but to read as well! [I have no idea what that means]). (Did you all catch the double one? Pretty tricky huh?)
One caveat - be very, very, very careful not to get lost. And I personally find it inexcusable when someone starts a parathesis but doesn't close it (like this (Biochick1)
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) (Biochick1)
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I need closure. (Biochick1)
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I wrote this with that Copacabana?, Cocapoobana?, you know what song I'm talking about. I wrote this to that tune, though this song strays far from it. So make up your own melody, you can't expect other people to do it for you.
I PRESENT YOU ALL WITH THE TOCADISCO THEME SONG:
His name is Toca, yeah, Toca ca disco
And his name means record player, oh yeah
Her name is Bio, yeah, Bio ca Chick, yeah
And I onced questioned if she was really real.
So she got angry, yeah really angry
And now you think, hey that's no big deal
But she is violent, violent is that chick
And now she wants to Bobbitize my, OH YEAH
La da da da da, dee dee da da.
Ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba.
So she is real yeah, no doubt about it.
But I sometimes wonder if this chick's a chick
Could be some pervert, whose name is Herbert
And uses AOL to become a girl.
But we no better, she's a real go getter
This chick can groove and move, like no other can
And we all love her, yeah we all love her
And this theme for me is more like a theme for her.
So Biochick yeah, make us ca laugh yeah
You're jokes are funny, you sweet honey girl
(Trumpet solo)
She's Biochick,
BIOCHICK,
BIOCHICK ONE
LA DA DEE DA, OH YEAH!!!!!!! (Tocadisco)
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I received a lot of mail the other day. People said, "HOW COULD YOU QUESTION BIOCHICK 1's existence?" And I have only one response, "She's too cool to be real!" (Tocadisco)
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I fear that there is a conspiracy. Yes, Biochick1 is....Jim Morrison. All the evidence points to her. Look, rearrange the letter's of her name, it spells 1Kibohicc. That happens to be the Lizard King's alias. Also, I never saw Biochick and Jim in the same chat room. Coincedence? No way, Pepe. (Tocadisco)
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My computer performed an illegal maneuver, I'm thinking of turning him in. (Tocadisco)
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We could play volleyball, shoot some hoops, or hey, ride a zebra. (Tocadisco)
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"Oh mi, oh my." (Tocadisco)
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Tocadisco is latin for, great looking. (Tocadisco)
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Just try to play your records without a tocadisco, we will see how far you get. (Tocadisco)
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I HO in the morning. I HO in the afternoon. I HO all the live long day. I never win. Nobody ever wins. It's not a game, no no, it's an obsession. (Tocadisco)
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What HO Theme has to understand is, that as long as people have fingers, they are going to hit the or key. I apologize for this, but its a way of life. You finish a sentence, you hit return. Its like breathing, farting, eating, and earthquakes, they just sort of happen. I think it is a disgrace that we, as humans, do this nasty thing called , but gerbils eat their children soemtimes, nobody stops them. PLEASE, don't get angry if we hit that key. We are merely weak beings. (Tocadisco)
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My vacation was good, thank you. (IZZO)
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Biochick1, how did you know I did that? (IZZO)
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Maybe I should get a hair cut...yeah.
(IZZO)
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Have you ever seen Bachelor Party? That's what mine will be like. (IZZO)
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I hate my cable company, they won't show WCW's Hogwild. (IZZO)
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"For I heard them say, 'Let us go to Dothan.' "
Genesis 37:17 (IZZO)
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---ATTENTION---
I have sent WLW Troub a little note apologizing about that he/she thing. I really did think that he was a guy but didn't want to insult him if he was a girl (if that makes sense). I'm SORRY, Troub and the rest of the world!!! By the way, love the Jack Handey quotes. --- (BabyLamms)
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Biochick, I will send you a polaroid and you must guess which butt is mine. If you win, I'll give you my eternal respect. (IZZO)
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It's good to be back. (IZZO)
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At my crappy job, my co-workers and I call people and ask them questions about food shopping. There is a new guy at work that we like to call Lumberjack Jim. He sits behind me and he never says food shopping, he says shoplifting. He doesn't act like it's a mistake either, like a slip-of-the-tounge. He says it like it's actually in our script. He's weird like that. But he always makes the coffee. Lumberjack Jim didn't come to work today. I just hope he wasn't out gun shopping.
(I am very sorry to say that every word of the above story is true.) (BabyLamms)
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Oh, and there's this new guy Tom. I haven't had the pleasure of meeting him yet (he's on the night crew) but I hear he's *very* pleasant. He asked our bosses assistant where he could score some pot and heroin and they told me when people hang up on him stares into his computer and says "I'm going to f***in' kill you!" I hope he doesn't switch to the day shift. (BabyLamms)
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MagicClams, the great culling was yesterday, you missed it, so there. (LtJG RJ2)
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Ooga Boofy To The Moon! (LtJG RJ2)
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Excerpts from the actual police log in the paper of the town I live in: July 21- 7:48pm: Suspicious person at 558 Washington St. A 911 call from Cumberland Farms reports that a strange male in late 30's wearing a white baseball cap, holding a chain wallet and wooden box approached the caller and asked him questions about where he lived etc. The man made him feel uncomfortable. He appeared to be drunk and disoriented. July 22 - 4:55am: Vandalism at 40 Chestnut Ave. Caller reports someone spray painted a residents car. Officer reports it is peanut butter not paint. Resident not aware of incident at time of report. 7:41am: Vandalism, request for patrols. Caller reports that when she was taking her walk on Chestnut Street, she saw two vehicles covered in peanut butter. The reporting person said her daughter's car was covered in french dressing a week ago and said a lot of this mischef has been going on for the last couple weeks. 12:24 pm: Aid to the public at 3 Woodland Rd. Caller reports that he just came home and his wife said there was a coyote (described a scrawny animal with its rib cage showing and no hair on its tail) on their back porch pacing back and forth. Reporting person said it snarled at his wife before it left. (BabyLamms)
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I'm so glad my last day of work is a week from Friday and I'm moving Sept.1. Aren't you? (please say yes) (BabyLamms)
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When you light magnesium on fire it gives off a very bright light. My friend brought some to a party we had in the woods and it lit up the whole place for, like, 10 seconds. It really scared the piss out of some people. Oh yeah, it makes a noise too. (BabyLamms)
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This is a true thing. You can hardly remember a damn thing you did the week before, unless it was something you really wanted to forget.
You ever noticed that. And the things you want to remember, Like that cute guy's(girl's) phone number, you totally forget and never remember. It just goes to show. LIFE CAN REALLY SUCK. (Kheetah)
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I have been on AOL for three months, and didn't find HO till a week ago. Either I am blind or I am visually challenged
(Kheetah)
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Wait. Isn't blind and visually challanged the same thing. Oh well, it'slike when someone says that a person is deaf and can't hear. Well DUH!! we know that. All you would have to say is that the person is deaf. (Kheetah)
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I was just RANDOMly going through the post, and I noticed something, (yes, I notice a lot), Biochick and Troub are REALLY cool. (Kheetah)
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I need a life. Will anyone sell me their's? (Kheetah)
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Q: What does an east Texas divorce have in common with a tornado?
A: Either way, someone's going to lose a mobile home. (SGCJC)
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Next time you have some FREE time on your hands, try putting your friends under citizen's arrest. (Tocadisco)
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The Random Game is a lot like Russian Roulette, except its online and nobody gets killed (usually). (Tocadisco)
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O1me (Silver1203)
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My butt. (MagnoliaGr)
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I don't like the Olympics. I hate how all the events aren't about the strength of the people anymore. Now it's about how good their equipment, computers, and trainers are. I think the only real Olympic sport would be "Naked Running" (MagicClams)
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I don't like the Gay Right's slogan, "We're here, we're queer, get used to it!" It just doesn't sing....I think they ought to change it to "Hey! Gay? GAY! YAY!" (MagicClams)
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Why is that I can buy an air conditioner, but not air shampoo????? (MagicClams)
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I think they should get rid of smoking and non-smoking sections and change it to "breathing" and "non-breathing". (MagicClams)
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If it's a "crime" to molest little boys, then dammit, I guess I'm a criminal! (MagicClams)
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I have this ZZ Top fantasy.....it's like in one of their videos...see, one of those ZZ Top girls from the "She's Got Legs" video is giving me a blow job, and then I spin her around like one of those fuzzy guitars..... (MagicClams)
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That's it.... (MagicClams)
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If you're looking for deep substance, you'd better look elsewhere...... (MagicClams)
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Sometimes I wonder if you post WLW (I love) Troub(le)'s stuff on name recognition alone, or if he's just making jokes on some higher plane that I don't understand......... (MagicClams)
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Don't get me wrong.....I mean once in a while, Troub'll make a joke that makes me laugh so hard that I have to grievously injure myself with an anvil just to avoid soiling myself......but other times..... (MagicClams)
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I think it would be really funny if I went and hired prostitutes, then turned them in for statuatory rape....... (MagicClams)
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This time I'm keeping a list of everything I send in, just to see if my suspicion is correct. I'm pretty sure they took every single thing I sent in.....and if they print this, I'm almost certainly correct.... (MagicClams)
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What if everyone is wrong about peace being a noble goal? What if God really put us on earth so he could watch us fight, like a bunch of human GI Joe's? Then what, huh? Eternal consequences, that's what! (MagicClams)
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From now on, I insist on being referred to as "Senor Itchy". Queries directed to any other name shall be ignored. (MagicClams)
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I constantly have flashbacks to my job as a grocery store sacker/car loader. I can no longer close a car door without saying "Thank you, have a nice day!" It's very frustrating. (MagicClams)
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I'm planning to write a series of children's books someday. They'll all center around the life and times of "Scrappy, the very infectious monkey". (MagicClams)
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Hi, I'm Mr. Kansas. I'm a 4th year sophmore at DeVry Technical Institute and when I finish college I hope to become a pediatrician because I love animals. My turn ons
include long walks on the beach and fat Brazillian cocktail waitresses named Betty. My turn offs include rude people and icy cold water. I hope to become Mr. America so I can help bring about world peace! (MagicClams)
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I'd BETTER do well in that Mister America pageant. I don't want to have waxed my bikini zone for nothing........ (MagicClams)
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I hope they don't take off for my underdeveloped bustline..... (MagicClams)
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I have no delusions that I am always right. I simply believe that no one has a right to form and express their opinions except me. (MagicClams)
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I think the only fair way to settle the OJ case would have been to put the prosecution and defense lawyers into a circus ring and have them fight it out gladiator-style to find out which side was more favored by the gods. Hey, don't laugh, if it was good enough for the Romans, it's good enough for us. Plus, the pay-per-view profits could have paid for the trial 10 times over. (MagicClams)
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I am The World's Greatest Smurf Groupie..... (MagicClams)
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Which one of you nefarious miscreants has been eating my Jimmy Dean sausages, dagnabbit?!?!?!?! (MagicClams)
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author's note: Nefarious - evil or infamous. From the Latin, "nefus", meaning "person", and "arium", meaning "who does many bad things to MagicClams's sausages". I thought I'd save you a trip to the dictionary. (MagicClams)
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Boy, those Romans had a word for EVERYTHING! (MagicClams)
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I think girls are somewhat intimidated by me. (MagicClams)
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Maybe they wouldn't be so intimidated if I'd stop beating them up and stealing their lunch money, but then I'd have to get a job....... (MagicClams)
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Hey WLW Troub! You Joke like my grandma! Why don't you go home and make a dress?!! (MagicClams)
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Sorry Troub, I didn't really mean that. It's all this testosterone running through my veins. It makes me really competitive and aggressive. That's the same reason why I challenge people I see on TV, even though I know that can't hear me. (Example: "HEY GILLIGAN! Why don't you get off that island and come here, so I can kick your sorry ass!!!") (MagicClams)
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Plus I wanted to make some of LeonardABC's paranoid delusions about internal rivalries become real..... (MagicClams)
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What is a MagicClam? It's just a normal human being like the rest of you. (except better)
I'm a 16 year old male who is about 6-1, 165 lbs., has brown hair, blue eyes, and small goat horns on each side of my head. (MagicClams)
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I hate automatic transmissions. They let people who lack the mental capabilities to drive get behind the wheel. A one-eyed monkey with brain damage could drive a car with an automatic transmission, and he'd probably hit fewer people than the car's normal driver, too. (MagicClams)
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Denial is a wonderful thing, isn't it? Without it, I'd probably be really depressed that I'm sitting at home in front of my computer thinking up random sayings for the amusement of people I'll never meet. Of course, the bourbon helps, too. (MagicClams)
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Ahhh, sweet Kentucky Bourbon....brownest of the brown liquors....so tempting.... (MagicClams)
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The key to looking down on other people and acting like you're above them is to remember that all the people around you are only mindless automatons operating within your subconscious. I'm the only real one. I'M THE ONLY SANE ONE!!!!! (MagicClams)
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Operating with a sense of inherent superiority allows you to look down on others with ease. It's also a great way to get out of a bad mood. ("Of course you realize, Jim, that I am infinitely better than you in every way." Try to stay in a bad mood after saying THAT to about half a dozen people.) (MagicClams)
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My new girlfriend missed my birthday.....Well, it wouldn't have bothered me so much if it weren't the 16th consecutive birthday she's missed! (MagicClams)
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Starting to sober up, so I'd better go to bed before I my insecurities start to overcome my drunken haze, keeping me from sleeping soundly...... (MagicClams)
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I think the question to ask yourself when you're thinking about killing someone is, "Would my life be better if I killed him/her?" If the answer is yes, then by all means, kill him/her, cuz he/she deserves to die. (MagicClams)
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If the rule is "An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth", how many teeth does a toothless guy have to knock out of your mouth before you can retaliate on some other part of his body? (MagicClams)
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You know, a lot of these new kids with their comedy routines like jokes about anal sex, but me, I prefer good old fashioned rape. (MagicClams)
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I like this game. It's the comedic equivalent of the Olympic Naked Running event. (MagicClams)
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than have a frontal lobotomy..... (MagicClams)
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If it's drunk or crazy, I choose drunk. (MagicClams)
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Top Ten Ways to Annoy the Hell Out Of MagicClams When Entering the Random Game
10. Point it out every time someone steals a joke for this game. - It would be nice if EVERYONE could be funny from their own abilities, but let's face it, it's not possible. Half the stuff posted here I can recognize as stolen, and the other half could just as easily be stolen from some source I haven't seen, but who really cares, as long as it's funny?
9. Steal from high-profile sources that even the most dimwitted individual can recognize. - I'm sorry, but if you send in "We can kick your city's ass!" even my 95 year old grandmother who thinks I'm Pedro the Poolboy will know you took that from Letterman. Or the "bitter barn" from "Friends".....Why even bother?
8. Shout angrily about the "unfairness" of this game. - All you people who spend hours sending in entry after entry saying, "Give me free time!" just don't seem to understand that this isn't about the free time! It's about funnying! I have won already, just for the record, and I wouldn't mind winning again, but I'm not going to try to do it by being a pain in the ass, nor am I going to stake my self-esteem on it.
7. Send in entries which could, if printed out, wallpaper the Sears Tower. - Alright, I admit that I have at times been guilty of this myself, but hey, screw you! This is my soapbox, so get the hell off of it!
6. Get yourself so well established in this area that you can scribble out the opening lines of the Declaration of Independence and still be printed. - If I ever become like that, you have permission to shoot me.
5. Whine and whine and whine about personal grievances while ignoring all of your own faults. - Oh wait, that's one of the Top Ten Ways to Be More Like MagicClams When Entering the Random Game......
4. Send in single words as entries. - If your entry couldn't be read by itself, you need to rethink it. There is NO WAY to make something funny by splitting it into 12 individual entries of one word each. Give up. You've already lost.
3. Spend valuable time trying to kiss the asses of the HOverlords. - Saying "Hecklers' Online RULES!!!!" will get you printed, but it's a waste of space, and it makes everyone with any sort of class hate you...and it'll annoy the rest of us, too....
2. Give up on whatever you're trying accomplish before you actually finish............ (MagicClams)
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Top Ten Ways to Annoy the Hell Out Of MagicClams When Entering the Random Game
10. Point it out every time someone steals a joke for this game. - It would be nice if EVERYONE could be funny from their own abilities, but let's face it, it's not possible. Half the stuff posted here I can recognize as stolen, and the other half could just as easily be stolen from some source I haven't seen, but who really cares, as long as it's funny?
9. Steal from high-profile sources that even the most dimwitted individual can recognize. - I'm sorry, but if you send in "We can kick your city's ass!" even my 95 year old grandmother who thinks I'm Pedro the Poolboy will know you took that from Letterman. Or the "bitter barn" from "Friends".....Why even bother?
8. Shout angrily about the "unfairness" of this game. - All you people who spend hours sending in entry after entry saying, "Give me free time!" just don't seem to understand that this isn't about the free time! It's about funnying! I have won already, just for the record, and I wouldn't mind winning again, but I'm not going to try to do it by being a pain in the ass, nor am I going to stake my self-esteem on it.
7. Send in entries which could, if printed out, wallpaper the Sears Tower. - Alright, I admit that I have at times been guilty of this myself, but hey, screw you! This is my soapbox, so get the hell off of it!
6. Get yourself so well established in this area that you can scribble out the opening lines of the Declaration of Independence and still be printed. - If I ever become like that, you have permission to shoot me.
5. Whine and whine and whine about personal grievances while ignoring all of your own faults. - Oh wait, that's one of the Top Ten Ways to Be More Like MagicClams When Entering the Random Game......
4. Send in single words as entries. - If your entry couldn't be read by itself, you need to rethink it. There is NO WAY to make something funny by splitting it into 12 individual entries of one word each. Give up. You've already lost.
3. Spend valuable time trying to kiss the asses of the HOverlords. - Saying "Hecklers' Online RULES!!!!" will get you printed, but it's a waste of space, and it makes everyone with any sort of class hate you...and it'll annoy the rest of us, too....
2. Give up on whatever you're trying accomplish before you actually finish............ (MagicClams)
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A grapefruit is a lemon who had a chance and took advantage of it.
Oscar Wilde (AAmadeus3)
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O Computers! O Computers! OOOOOOOOOOOOOO AOOOOOOOOOOL! The wonders of it! The Wonders Of It! The End. (MarkusRTK)