THE BILL ARCHIVES
Bill!
Bill's a lawyer, you know.
Bill writes books, you know.
Bill's been on Jeopardy, you know.
Bill plays for Cleveland, you know.
Bill is currently having a dispute with his wife over the morgatge, you know.
Bill can turn into a mountain, you know.
Bill's the prime minister of Qatar, you know.
Bill has stock in the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., you know.
Bill lives in Axlehead, Wyoming, you know.
Bill won the New York Lotto three years in a row, you know.
Bill is one of the X-Men, you know.
Bill starred in the 1953 musical "Ernst Goes to the Bathroom", you know.
Bill can fly twin-engine planes, you know.
Bill owns a 1977 Pacer, you know.
Bill was a member of the Grateful Dead, you know.
Bill recycles, you know.
Bill invented the bumper sticker, you know.
Bill once ran for president, you know.
Bill's a soap tycoon, you know.
Bill won three Emmys, you know.
Bill likes socks, you know.
Bill's middle name is Bill, you know.
Bill's mother is in Credmore Mental Hospital, you know.
Bill's guest starred on "The Cosby Show", you know.
Bill owns a .55, you know.
Bill has a liscence to sell pigs on the black market, you know.
Bill's that "Hey, Vern!" guy, you know.
Bill's favorite food is broiled yak, you know.
Bill is the real voice of Milli Vanilli, you know.
Bill knows Mr. Peanut, you know.
Bill once punched out the Power Rangers, you know.
Bill reads "Playboy" for the articles, you know.
Bill is an ex- cast member of "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" you know.
Bill is our friend, you know. (LtJG RJ2)
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The last thing I wanted was to win another contest. My mother used to get frightened when I was a child. I had an uncanny way of winning everything. First it was fifty bucks, then two hundred. Nowadays, I cant walk into a store without being thier millionth customer. But what the hell am I going to do with a years supply of catnip. I'm telling you, life sure can be tough. (RMand10119)
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My favorite color is puce. (Biochick1)
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Give me hours I need them, I'm too addicted to HO to ever leave...... (CWilson753)
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When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses? (Zanax44426)
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@-----}-- <>< <>< <>< * 1% off all lifes* so go get one.
(FEMALENY55)
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the 5 states of crazyness are water, gas the natural kind....not that natural! mist, insanity, and Maine.....what ho? no thats one of the 5 continents of insanity which are H, HO, HOR, HORS, and HORSE I think (Snifit 1)
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i'm sending you fruitcakes a damm picture so look at it and smile whatever weazeeer (WEAZEEER)
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What?!? No rules?!? (Sour Soda)
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Wow! You must be someone who say, "Hey! I am tired of them e-mail me, cursing about the rules and blah, blah, blah....." (Sour Soda)
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Why can't cats bark? (Sour Soda)
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The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out.
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try
several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it
or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally
well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done
right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four
and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started
bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to
ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was
approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I
just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!
(XfileBry)
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If I had a dog, I'd name him Herpes. (ELYN42)
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Uh... so did I win a free hour or what? (WriterBoy9)
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I'm suing WriterBoy9 for plagiarism. (IZZO)
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Ha ha ha..Laugh now...But when the electricity goes out..You can't use a free hour!!!! Ha ha ha ha (AmOnFonix)
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It took me 5 years to figure out the pun in the Zest commercial. (Zanax44426)
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Which is the correct spelling, grey or gray..... and does it really matter? (JaneDoe68)
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Another question.... is immature pronounced im-mah-chur or im-mah-tour? I find the latter to sound snobby, so I hope it's the first pronounciation. (JaneDoe68)
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What do the calories look like? (Sour Soda)
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My sister recently got a TOS warning. What a idiot! (Sour Soda)
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Why did you pick the name "Heckler"? (Sour Soda)
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What exactly is life? (Sour Soda)
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Why does cat has 9 nine lifes and we only has 1 life? (Sour Soda)
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What can life do for you? (Sour Soda)
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Why do people keep saying, "That's life" if you just did something that can ruin your life, say like....messing up with that girl next door? (Sour Soda)
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God created the man, man destoryed God, God destroyed man, then woman rules the earth! That's life, don't you think so? (Sour Soda)
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Be like the bull who licks himself when he is hot, and flatulates to keep warm when he is cold. (MW934902)
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Never play leapfrog with a unicorn (MW934902)
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How to play the License Plate Game: Take the first three letters from a liscense plate. Then try to form a word around them. For example, RBA becomes RutaBAga. The letters must be used in order, and no proper nouns are allowed. Happy playing! (Shadowgold)
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Hi, I'm a poor single parent and need the free time. How about it?? I could say something funny but begging can also have its humor. So please,please please give me an hour or two. Thank you oh Heckler gods (Noelle3141)
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