Dead Thoughts

Dead Thoughts

Have you ever wondered about that theory about how we used to be monkeys? I mean, a penis is called a monkey, so does that mean we're a bunch of dicks?
What about cancer? They're saying weed is illegal, but then they give pot to a bunch of freakin' cancer patients. If they'd give me dope, I'd get cancer in a second.
They say the mountain holds many secrets, the biggest of all being, "I am a fake mountain."
When you die, your body falls apart. Worms eat your scrotum, and you die. I don't know why, but they do. I think it would be funny if someone didn't wipe their ass well, and the worms ate their shit.
Poop is one of the many things that we worship. It is glorified in many countries, and even some religions.
If you ever had a fever blister, you had herpes.
What the hell is up with those stupid hypo-alergenic cats? The ones with no hair? If you ever saw Austin Powers, you know what I'm talking about. They look like big rats. It's disgusting, and it makes me want to VOMIT
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
When we die, they say we will burn in Hell if we don't obey the Ten Commandments. Does that mean that anyone in the army or Marines will go to Hell? I guess most of my mom's friends are going there if that's true. Clump.
I bet when Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy eyebrows." Then they would all get embarassed because they remembered they had big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Consider the dafodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
One thing vampire children must be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we were losing each year, but I told that story around a campfire and nobody got scared.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist.When they start drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off. Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
One day, when I die, some worms are going to eat my asshole. They will bite down on my sphincter and munch on my hole.
I can't wait to be senile, because out of nowhere, I might suddenly say some thing like, "Get those chickens out of my room!"

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