Vehicle Jokes

Actual Bumperstickers

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, Other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
There are 2 great secrets to success in life. The first is to not tell everything you know.

Sotiris, February 15, 1997

A Short Course On Car Accident Reports

In order to see life in a humorous way, you may care to read the following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977. They are ACTUAL statements from insurance forms where car drivers, who tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

Sotiris, ~May 28, 1997

Last updated: August 21, 1997