What i write in ink Comes from my heart and what i think
It might help me understand
The girl that i am...

things i write here are sometimes personal
its more for me than for you.
its here mostly for me to get out of my system.
but its also here to read if you want to.
maybe it will show how i've MATURED..
or not matured at all
or how i think
or how ive been so dumb
as to not think at all.


--------------


a thousand miles to your heart
the stars won't guide me forever
if your words are meant to be used for a map
then i'm lost, as lost as ever

--------------

under my fingertips
i stroke the grass
it feels like silk

your eyes
appear
like stars
in my blue heaven

your smile
more intoxicating
than the moons beam

if only this
moment could
lastforever.

--------------

peace
and peacefulness
a blanket of warmth and softness
safely entwined in your dreamy, pillowy, comfort.
my baby
i could live this moment forever
:)

--------------

she says, forget.
forget forget forget
forget to remember
put your memories far far away
so they can't come back and cause you pain
smile when it hurts
laugh when its tragic
and never let them see you cry
no, never let them see you cry
leave them all to wonder

--------------

In the fall,
beneath the shade of the campus trees
with the benevolent sun at my back
my brain turns to marshmellow fluff
and a gigantic love takes up residency in my tummy
big enough to consume every beautifully withering leaf beneath my foot
and still have room for desert.

~.~.~.~.~.~

i want to go to sleep.
dreaming of you is soo beautiful for me.
i can't close my eyes soon enough...
I LOVE YOU.. i wish you were here right now.
i wish we could spend
the nite together.
stay up late, talking and eating jelly beans...
silly smiles on our faces.
cool leaves and warm bodies.
:)

My beautiful friend
came to visit me today.
a total surprise, it blew me away
He just rocked outta no where
just to say 'hello there'
and to see how i was feeling.
I had the biggest smile
from all the looks he kept stealing
when he walked through the door
my eyes lit up, my mind went dim
cuz whenever i hear a car pull up
i always think it's him
even though i doubt it would be.
I have hope! hehehe...
But to see him today made me really happy :)
I'm glad that he came. and i know i sound sappy ;D*
i'm lucky to have him.. so gentle and caring
I can still smell the Armani perfume he was wearing ... mmmmm

pale december
bitter and cold
fading light within my soul
leave me unmoving in the silence

let me escape in a rush of wind
anyplace but here-- beyond the grey
where morning light paints the day new
in vibrant colour and memories of you.

He had just shaved
his face was smooth and clean
the arousing scent of aftershave
lingered on his neck.....
his smokey mouth whispered to me in a rusty voice
and for a moment my vision was blinded
like human breath on a mirror

starlight
your smile bright
your eyes of fire and passion
my hair in braids
my cherry lips
the music loud
our swaying hips

two beating hearts
pound like a drum
they beat no more
we've come undone

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

i met a man in soho
at the amsterdamn boutique
he tried to buy me many gifts
but i turned the other cheek

across the city he followed me
i slipped into a lil cafe
i sat and drank some bubble tea
but the man would not go away

ignorant idiot gibberish
spitting out what he thinks is english
excuse me sir, you are sooo NOT cool
what kinda momma raised sucha fool!

your skies
of grey
cloud up
they unfold me
i want to stay
visible in your fog
forever

- - - - -

i am so much less than perfect
you draw crazy patterns around the real me
blinding yourself to who i am
why cant you see
i am so much less
than you think me to be
interpretive dancing my way through life
to a ballad of big nothing

- - - - -

if i slip
just walk away
youre a mountain
a 50 ft king
and me...
i'm nothing.

i live for love.
i need to love.
i long to be loved.
i long to hold someone so tightly with all the strength of my love
and have it returned.
i'd like to be so happy
that one day, i'll float. =)

- - - - -

my life is defined by memories.
they constantly pluck at my heart
scraping and pulling, slitting and scarring
i constantly miss you.
do you ever think about it too?
playdoh and barbies and cookies
whispers in the dark and popcorn
giggling and giddiness and feelings
to you, it's vanished with time
to you, it's forever erased from your mind.
you forget.
but i never do.
and i never will.
i read letters by my window in the nite
and when you dont write anymore,
when you don't call, when youre not there
there are periods of tears in the dark..
under blankets and in moving cars
and when i see the sunshine hit the leaves at a certain angle,
an aching coldness, sadness, keeps me from forever smiling.

this might sound like i'm missing someone
i guess i'm missing, ME. And my childhood.
i know i cant go back, and i dont really want to,
but i still miss it.
things were simpler and easier.
people weren't demanding of me.
no one expected anything but a smile.

- - - - -

(Daddy)
the day you left
the wind blew harsh,
the sky went black,
my voice like thunder, screamed.

I'm sorry the days
I was angry
and foul,
spoiled and hateful,
and being quite dreadful.

I'm sorry the days
I turned my back on you
and ran away
when you were onlee trying to teach me
wrong from right

and now youre gone..
i did everything wrong

i did not face my fears
and now i have no more hope
in myself or in you

because i am lost
and so are you

~*~*~*~*~

today i just danced the steps. legs moving mindlessly.
it's not rhythm. it's robotic.
movements learned from years of practice.
it's not graceful or beautiful or breathtaking.
today i didn't feel like dancing with my heart, just my feet.
my instructor asked me if i was on drugs
i looked at her and screamed.
i pounded my fists on the hardwood floor and the girl behind me laughed.
i felt like ripping the chains worn at my ankles
and running home barefoot, unbound, and free.
i sat there for 40 minutes completely still.
anger filled me and i was paralyzed.
harsh voices. look through me, at me, into me, but not quite looking thru the window
to really see me.
silhouettes of palebluewhite.
today i feel like the dance is ending
and i don't know if it will ever begin again.

I'm
d
r
o
w
n
i
n
g
quickly
intomyowninsanity
n    o   
   
      o
      n
   e
can stop it
i live it
i love it
i hate it
i cant stop it
i cant choke it
i cant kill it
uoy morf yawa nrut i dna
because i don't care
aboutyouanymoreorwhatyouthinkorwhatyousaysorhowsorryyouare
i
have
s   e   p   e
   r   a   t
   e   d
so i have learned to
[embrace]
n

o

t

h

i

n

g

and you look at me now
you

look

and

i'm

g

    o

        n

            e

-perfect man-
The perfect man is romantic
he'll send flowers in your name
he'll write poetry and seranade you
then kiss away your pain
The perfect man has a beautiful smile
he is Never cruel or mean
he is always kind and gentle
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man
is a good husband
he is loving to his bride
The perfect man loves children
and will raise them by your side

The perfect man will do anything
To convey his love for you
he loves to cook, he'll clean the house
he'll do the laundry too

The perfect man wont make you cry
he never gets mad, wont make you sad
Or hurt you in any way
he'll wrap you in his arms at night
and forever he will stay

-paper heart-
you held my heart in your hand
then you crushed it
like it was made of paper
pretty love letter
stained by tears
written with the ink in my veins
your lies tore me to pieces
your words
cut me like scissors
they pierced my soul
into shreds
up I flew
then down I fell
fluttering silently into oblivion

~*~*~*~*~*~

let me stain your lips with mine
your eyes shine and tease me so
lur me closer with a whisper
your breath on my neck
arouses me

soft and pink
my lips were the ink
that washed over yours
brushing and stroking
smudging and smearing
my tongue is a tool
let me paint my desire


-pink cookies in a plastic bag
being crushed by tall buildings-

over i fell, capsized
i am sinking
too out of range to save
to lost to find my way home again

everything is a sea of grey
watch me disappear
see me float away
i am not really here anyway

" hush my dear,
there is nothing to fear,
it is a quiet night of quiet stars,
and i am your guardian angle.
i want to bring you back,
bring a smile to your face,
let me sing you a song,
let me show you a place..."

...but nothing HE did seemed to help.
so i sat back and let my heart sink,
because i know...
i am weak though i seem strong.
and everything i do is wrong.
i dont know where i am going...
or if i even belong.


its a beautiful day
wanna go for a ride?
its usually raining on me
but today
wooden roses are in bloom
maybe i can make it back to your arms
driving sideways

-------------
shes a badly drawn girl
but she has a pretty garden
and its always raining
sugar water showers
she serves ice luna cookies
but their missing something
her hands are cold and she has morning eyes
have a seat and she'll kiss your feet
fake, plastic dreams will be served shortly
on plush surrealist pillows

-------------
one thread unraveled
til something broke inside
heartbreak hides behind her eyes
but she keeps breathing

-------------
and everytime you smile
it heals my sadness
reality with you is better than dreaming

-------------
-untitled-
[dedicated to Hiero]
hot summer
you sat under my tree
knee deep in sweet scented grass

i hung upside down
watching the clouds float by
watching the birds fly free
watching your eyes chase me

strands of my hair danced in the breeze
your eyes reflected every colour of leave
my lips dangle at such an angle
you brushed them, using not your lips
their colour ripened by your fingertips

pure and sweet
you traced the fruit of your desire

-------------
yesterdays luff
[dedicated to Obi:)]

in a telescopic lens
i saw my friends
thru eyes closed
and blankets heavy
like my heart.

swimming away you winked at me
you said it will all be okay
my toes grew cold and i turned numb
lips shining purple
i love you.

deep in the cell of my heart
i saw you falling
you rose above it
before we all went to pieces
then everything turned itself inside out.

if you sleep forever you will forget about everything
i searched behind your eyes for you
but they let you go blind
your name carved in the back of my mind
pink ribbons tied around memories of
nothing.

-------------
surreal, so real
[dedicated to Harrison:)]

Talk pretty to me today
take me to that other place i say
sing a lullabye to my soul
i'll show you a pink moon

your smile bright as yellow
it heals me honey
everything is blue
everything is you
wish i could, wish i may
lay you on my pillows someday
we'll drink each others lips
lilac wine, strawberry lime
my kingdom for a kiss

complete infinite complete. you fill me
anticipation blinds me. is this desire?
gasping, grasping thrilled drained
devour me swallow me
drive me insane
i'll break every law of silence
as i cum and scream your name

-------------
i'm not a beach girl
said the girl in the 7-11
sweet 16/superqueen
stumbeline her way through life
wearing her lucky sunglasses listening to mix tapes
her wild mood swings in
slick chick on the mellow side
she's no mother angelica

colorblind
chocolate lovesong..rawr!
she closes her eyes and smiles as the song plays
it's simple, it's loud, it's the pilot of her mind
she lives in a beautiful world, just the music and her
temporary peace until she needs new batteries

-------------
why dont your eyes see me?
black circles
just lonely
longing in her eyes
she cries
and waits by the window

-------------
tick.. tock.. tick.. tock..
she cries to the clicking of time
let forever be fifteen minutes with you

-------------
it was raining
and i walked
soaking wet and dripping.
there was an inch of me that wasn't wet.
it felt good to cry
warm drops fell like tears
not tears from my eyes, but dripping wet.
a thousand tears dripping off my skin.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

and to you: i'm sorry i dont have it all together yet.
i wish i did. maybe that would make you happy.
if i knew how to handle things better.
do you want me to change? would that make you happy?
one of these days i'll be as sting as i seem
when you start telling me what's wrong with me,
and i start telling what's right with me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

this is my life, i guess..
i focus my mind on something happy and cling to it.
and i make myself believe that everything's fine
at least for those few moments before i enter the house.
everything is fine.
everything around me is fine,
it's just me that's the blemish.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

i'm amazed and he's amazing.
we can talk about anything
or everything
or nothing
we can just sit there, lie there, be completely happy.
we dont have to talk.
but i soak up every word he says
every touch
every breath
.... this is insane!
i'm so utterly in love with him
i'll say it to him a hundred times more...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

and he is the perfect shade of blue
vibrant like the spring sky hue
dazed - like in a dream
a kind of emotional extreme
and what i feel inside
is floating like rose petals
in sugar water.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

i felt the sun on my face. and i bathed in it. yellow light warm.
it covered me within and throughout. a blanket invisible.
Like his arms and kisses...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

you crawled beneath my skin, you spread throughout my veins
a fire burned within my body, you held my soul in chains
Love is never in vain
even when the pain
is so great from it failing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

- Spring

my head is in the clouds..
i see the blue image of sky
i can smell the dew
and i want to lie in the grass and dream,
and feel the sun wash over me on my bare arms.
ignite my spirit - consume my soul!
winters chill has made me cold.
scorch me til my skin turns to dust
and i am renewed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

winter has surrounded me. i feel the coldness.
my flesh, my skin, my breath. blurred.
its like i am here, but i am not real.
and i've had this urge to jump out of my window or just.. HIDE
BENEATH MY BLANKET

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

how quick and beautiful the lightning pulsed with his hand
the milky clouds, pouring slowly into the sunsent
were reflected in his eyes and on my hair.
And I bathed in the evening's thickness.
my senses running over the brim,
filling me so i couldn't be anything but happy.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

all i want right now is an exacto knife.
i'm destroying everything.. omygod..
i'm going to let everyone down again.
i'm letting myself down and not doing anything about it.
i'm weak and weak and weak and weak.
i dont know where i want to go.
i dont know where the hell i am.
i dont know WHO the hell i am,
i just know that i HATE it.
i want it to end or disappear..
i want to hide from it..
i want it to shut up.
i want to kill it.
i want it to look like a saint,
act like an angel.
and be gentle and smooth and sweet.
so much pent-up anger-
i wish i knew what to do with it.
the only thing i can think of is take it out on myself.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

i want to run away. in the rain. to my own city.
with a subway.
where trees with orange and yellow and crimson leaves
fall on the sidewalks.
i want to peek thru my window and see the sky lit up with stars,
as well as the sun dancing through a silhouette of branches.
i feel like hiding somewhere-
like under a rock.
but i am HERE, existing between a daydream and reality.
someday, i hope, i can find the reality in this dream.
it seems like i'm always reaching for something
that i cant see,
that might not even exist.
that probably doesnt.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

tried so hard to forget about you
twisted, hateful things you do
broken bruised used and sore
poisoned to my rotting core
i'll shed my skin and run away
hide my remains of debris and decay
used to fly when i had wings
lost my faith in everything
torn red, i cry defeat
my innocense is obsolete
pounding hatred in my head
fu*k my life, i'm already dead

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Bright eyes, curious
giddy with excitement
my heart jumps
every time you smile

soft giggles echo
deep within my soul
your smile never fades
kiss away my tears

a pink flush upon my face
glows with happiness
i see myself in your eyes
and for an instant...

Two souls become One.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

and i drank from your mouth, like it was sweet wine
each kiss more intoxicating than the last
tasting, drinking, gulping you
the fruit of your passion i swallowed
until you pulsed thru my veins
and drowned my very soul.

Copyright © AlisiaČk

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