Stages of Healing
(not all of these are applicable for every woman or man) **This outline was taken from "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis (1988).**
THE DECISION TO HEAL
Once you recognize the effects of sexual abuse in your life, you need to make an active commitment to heal.Deep healing happens only when you chose it and are willing to change yourself. THE
EMERGENCY STAGE
Beginning to deal with memories and supressed feelings can throw your life into utter turmoil. Remember, this is only a stage and it will not last forever.
REMEMBERING
Many survivors supress all memories of what happened to them as children. Those who do not forget the actual events often forget how it felt at the time. Remembering is the prodess of getting back both memory and feeling.
BELIEVING IT HAPPENED
Survivors often doubt their own perceptions. Coming to believe that the abuse really happened, and that it really hurt you, is a vital part of healing.
BREAKING SILENCE
Most adult survivors kept the abuse a secret in childhood. Telling another human being about what happened to you is a powerful healing force that can dispel the shame of being a victim.
UNDERSTANDING THAT IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT
Children usually believe the abuse is their fault. Adult survivors must place the blame where it belongs--directly on the shoulders of the abuser.
MAKING CONTACT WITH THE CHILD WITHIN
Many survivors have lost touch with their own vulnerability. Getting in touch with the child within can help you feel compassion for yourself, more anger at your abuser, and greater intimacy with others.
TRUSTING YOURSELF
The best guide for healing is your own inner voice. Learning to trust your own feelings, perceptions, and intuitions forms a new basis for action in the world.
GRIEVING AND MOURNING
As children being abused, and later as adults struggling to survive, most suvivors haven't felt their losses. Grieving is a way to honor your pain, let go, and move into the present.
ANGER
Anger is a powerful and liberating force. Whether you need to get in touch with it or have always had plenty to spare, directing your rage squarely at your abuser, and at those who didn't protect you, is pivotal to healing. Constructive suggestions on how to release your anger are offered.
DISCLOSURES AND CONFRONTATIONS
Directly confronting your abuser and/or your family is not for every survivor, but it can be a dramatic, cleansing tool.
FORGIVENESS?
Forgiveness of the abuser is not an essential part of the healing process, although it tends to be the one most recommended. The only essential forgiveness is for yourself.
SPIRITUALITY
Having a sense of a power greater than yourself can be a real asset in the healing process. Spirituality is a uniquely personal experience. You might find it through traditional religion, meditation, nature, or your support group.
RESOLUTION AND MOVING ON
As you move through these stages again and again, you will reach a point of integration. Your feelings and experiences will stabilize. You will come to terms with your abuser and other family members. While you won't erase your history, you will make deep and lasting changes in your life. Having gained awareness, compassion, and power through healing, you will have the opportunity to work toward a better world.