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True blood never washs out




... when I opened my eyes...

It’s hard to forget the losses when you’re facing such a monumental change. Everyone looks at you with those sad eyes, and for a moment, you hope that they might have an idea what you’re going through - but then they plaster on a quivering smile, pat you on the head, and say, “it’ll be okay.”

I’m not a child.

Not anymore.

I know that it will never be okay.

When it happened, I was asleep - unconscious, knocked down. I was useless. I was of no help to them, to Kenshin, to Sanosuke, to Megumi, to... to her. I wasn’t strong enough. Wasn’t prepared enough. Wasn’t serious enough - wasn’t anything. I was useless, that’s what I was. I was of no help.

Lot of good I ever did, now that I think about it.

When it happened, I was unconscious. I didn’t see it. I didn’t see any of it - except... except for the stain on the dojo floor and the wall. That blood... it... would never wash away.

I tried. Dear God, did I try... she would have been angry if I left the place in such disorder... but... it wouldn’t come clean... I scrubbed, using most of the rags I could find, some I even went out to buy - I even stole from Tae, at least four or five of those nice cloths of hers - all ruined, ripped apart into shreds. My fingers were sore, and I hurt my wrists until it was too painful to even use. Megumi had yelled at me.

But the blood was still there.

I couldn’t get it off.

I’d never, ever get it off.

... the dojo is empty, now. Sanosuke comes by to see how I’m doing. Megumi appears at points, normally hasty to leave. She’ll check on my wounds, offer me a bed at the clinic, if I need one.

I don’t need one. I have nowhere to go, save Kamiya Dojo.

Kamiya Dojo.

The stain on the walls will never vanish - while her teaching dwindles and her students vanish and her ideals dissipate, that stain will never, never come clean.

If Kenshin was here, I’m sure he’d say that she’s trying to tell us that she’s still here.

... no. I take that back. Kenshin would not have said that. Because he’s as dead as her.

I... I hate him, sometimes. He just up and left. Sanosuke told me about it as he sat, hunched over in his little shack on the bad side of town. I hadn’t wanted to be alone in the dojo, so he had grudgingly let me visit. It was a terribly messy place - and there were sake jars everywhere, most of which were empty, some of which weren’t. We emptied the ones that weren’t.

He had his head down, the cup raised to his mouth - I couldn’t even see his eyes.

“He was broken.” He mumbled, and I looked up, somewhat numbed from the sake - and feeling ill. “He broke down. Never seen a man cry like that before - never seen a man die like that before,” he added under his breath. “The bastard... thinks it only affects him... selfish Ishin pig.”

“Don’t call him that,” I growled. “You know he isn’t like that.”

“Oh, I forgot,” Sano retorted tartly, lifting his eyes to meet mine. I forgot how frightening he could be when he got like this, and the hate - the same hate I had seen when he and Kenshin had been fighting - that hate was now centred on me. But not at me, I assured myself hastily. “He’s your fucking idol, isn’t he? Bakumatsu samurai, legendary Hitokiri, the bloodlusting Battousai.” His hand was clenching on the sake cup, and in one swift movement, it went crashing against the wall, shattering. I ducked and covered my head, shocked by the flash of movement and sound - but he kept going. “Well, where’s your idol? Your fucking hero?! Where is he now? Sure as hell isn’t here, helping us! Fucking ran away like a coward! He doesn’t care about anyone other then himself!”

I looked up from my arms, ready to snap. Ready to fight. Kenshin wasn’t like that - he wasn’t like that at all. Not in my eyes. “Shut up! You don’t know anything about him!”

“I know more then a little punk like you,” he roared, getting up on one knee, wobbling. “Where was he, eh? Where the fuck was he to save your ass?!”

“He trusted me!”

“And you fucked up!”

I bit down so hard on my cheek, caught halfway in between calling him a shit for brains rooster, and realizing what he had just said - and recognizing the truth.

His huge, tightly curled fist hovered in front of my face as suddenly I was hurled off the floor by the collar of my gi. “Huh? What do you have to say to that?! You fucked up, Yahiko-CHAN! You fucked up bad!”

“I-I didn’t mean,” I whispered, but he shook me hard, and I had to curl up in the air to keep my head from being snapped back.

“You didn’t mean what? To get your ass kicked? Well, you did! You stupid little prick - he trusted you eh? Well, he trusted me too. And you fucked up! And so did I! We both did!” He was pulling me up against his face, snarling at me through his teeth. He smelled bad. “We fucked up bad, Yahiko-chan! And where was he to make it all better, huh? Where was he?” Under his breath, whispering at me - and then I was dumped to the floor as he turned around, fists pressed up against his eyes, hard. “Where the fuck was he,” he screamed, shaking, “when we fucked up!? Where the fuck was he when we couldn’t save her!?”

I watched as he fell to his knees again. “WHERE WAS HE WHEN SHE WAS KILLED?! Where the FUCK were WE!? What the hell -“ His voice escalated in a way I’d never heard before, more high-pitched and struggled with every word. “What the fucking hell... why wasn’t he there to save her! Why weren’t we there! Fuck!”

And he was crying.

“Yahiko... where the fuck were we?!”

I just sat there, sprawled out on the floor, watching him as he curled into himself on the floor.

“... we fucked up bad,” he whispered, clawing at his forehead as he scrubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “So, so bad...”

I wanted to argue. Say it wasn’t our fault. Kenshin couldn’t have done anything, either.

But I didn’t believe it.

“Jou-chan... we fucked up... forgive me,” he sobbed.

And I felt so sick that I ran out and vomited everything that I had drank onto the street.


I remember Kenshin telling me something about sake once. Something that he said Hiko told him. If sake tasted bad, it wasn’t the sake. It was you. Something was wrong with you.

I never really liked the taste of sake, anyway.

“Yahiko!” She reprimanded angrily. “You’re only eleven!”

I just sat there, quietly.

“And you!” She yelled, turning to Sanosuke, who sat against the wall, head down. “What were you thinking? Getting him drunk?! And what are those bruises on him!? Did you beat him!?”

Sano didn’t respond.

“It... was from training,” I told her. The one on my throat, where he had hit me as he picked me up, and the ones on my legs from where I had kicked at things in the dojo, and the ones on my arms from hitting things - they could all have been from training. She couldn’t argue.

Swivelling her dark eyes to me, I turned my face away a bit.

Sano had carried me to the clinic when I had vomited up more then just he sake - I think there was some blood. I couldn’t quite tell. We hadn’t spoken - I just lay over his shoulder, staring at the back of his feet as he walked. I had managed to puke a few more times - he hadn’t said anything. Just put me down on the road and waited until I was too exhausted to puke anymore. And then he picked me up again.

“Megumi, it’s okay. I... can I just go...?” I asked quietly. I was tired. I wanted to sleep.

Her features creased. “There’s nothing that’ll stop a hangover, but I don’t want you to go home alone. You can stay here.”

‘I don’t want you to go home alone’. Hah.

“If you don’t want me to go back to the dojo alone,” I mumbled, “I’ll have to stay here for the rest of my life.”

She had turned halfway, probably going to look for a spare futon - but she stopped, and turned to look back at me. Her eyes were wide, and she looked confused. “Yahiko,” was all she said.

“I’m going.” I got up, and Sanosuke followed me.

“I’ll stay with him tonight,” he assured her, shoving his hands is his pockets again. “We’ll be okay.”

“... he’ll be okay?” She repeated harshly under her breath as I passed the separation. They thought I couldn’t hear. “He... won’t be okay,” she snarled, her voice cracking a bit.

“We’ll be okay,” Sanosuke said once more, before leaving. He hastened his step a bit, wanting to put distance between the clinic and us.

We both heard her sit down and weep as left.


It’ll never be okay.

I’ll never be okay.

The stain is still there. I’m watching it, now. As if maybe, if I stare at it long enough, it’ll somehow... disappear. Vanish.

I hope it takes the pain with it - but, I know that it will never disappear.

The pain will never disappear.

It was after everything was over, when I opened my eyes. I was on a bed in Oguni clinic. So, I didn’t see.

I didn’t see how she died.

All I saw was her all in white, after being cleansed.

It was as if she were a complete stranger. So, even now, after the burial, there’s no sense of reality in her being dead.

But if I watch this stain long enough, the reality will hit.

The reality is, she’s dead.

The reality is... Kaoru’s is dead.

The sleeve of my gi is crumpled in my hand - and, angrily, I start to scrub at the stain. Get off, get off, get off. Get off my floor, get off, get off! I need to use the other hand, too, so I start to rub with both hands. The white walls stained dark brown, the polished wood floors sullied - god, she’d hate me if he saw this mess! I need to clean it up, or she’ll be so angry, she’ll hate me forever!

But she’s DEAD!!

“Get off my floor!” I scream. The sleeves have slipped out of my hands, and I’m punching and hitting and scouring the floor with my palms. “Get off! Stupid, stupid stain - you ruined my life! You ruined our lives! YOU RUINED IT ALL!! You ruined it all!! My life, my dreams - you took her away! I hate you!! I HATE YOU!! YOU TOOK HER AWAY!! And I couldn’t- I couldn’t do anything!”

My whole body hurts. It hurts so much - but my heart hurts the most. I don’t have the energy. I don’t have the power. I’m weak. I’m useless. I’ll never get it clean.

My hands are bleeding, now, making a worse mess. I fall down, pressing my face into the floor, shaking. Pressing my face into the stain on the floor. I wish it was her. I wish she was holding me. I miss her.

“I miss you,” I choked out. “Everything’s going wrong. I couldn’t save you - Kaoru... Kaoru, I’m so sorry. I never meant anything. I never meant any of those names I called you. You were my best friend, and you were like my big sister. I miss you so much - why did you have to go... God, why did you have to go... Kaoru... Kaoru...”

A heavy hand came over my shoulder as I sobbed into the stain, rubbing my cheek against it, clawing at it with my hands.

“Kaoru,” I sob, “we did bad. We tried! But we did so bad... and now... now there’s nothing!”

“Shh,” he mumbles, and suddenly, I’m being picked up.

“Let me go!” I scream. “Let me go! I need to clean up the mess! I got blood all over the place - I need to clean it up! She’ll be angry!”

Sano shakes his head and hugs me tightly, forcing me to look over his shoulder and beat on his back as he carries me out of the dojo. I kick at his legs, I scream, I punch, I hit. Then I shut up.

That stain will never get clean.

He puts me in my bed, and stands over me, watching me as I stare up at the ceiling.

“... it’s gonna be okay, Yahiko,” he says gruffly, before turning around.

... no.

It will never be okay.

I’ll never get that stain clean.

I’ll never be okay again.

Kaoru...