Surreal And Haunted
“Sick of it All” by Finger Eleven

It’s been a while since I’ve moved into Kagami’s building. They keep me in a very nice room, here; it has all the things I like in it, and sometimes, I even forget that, just a few days ago, my father was killed. My mother fell into a coma. And my twin sister is inhabited by... by that thing. Alex makes me sit in that machine every day for at least two hours; it’s half hour intervals, and it’s not really that bad. Just a bit... unsettling. When they put that thing over my eyes, it gets all dark, and I suddenly feel like I’m floating in nothingness, and things that I thought I’d forgotten swim past me; I reach out to grab onto them, thankful for a warm memory of a time that will never come again, but they slip past my fingers before I can grip them tightly enough. So, I’m left floating, only getting fleeting images in the dark of what I’m supposed to remember. Sometimes, I see something I don’t recognize, and déja-vu sets in, like that time I saw the teddy bear that I did not identify as mine or Aya’s or a friend’s, but it was gone too fast for me to make sure; and the time I saw that dress, white and lacy that I know wasn’t mother’s.

As soon as it’s over, though, the pictures are supposed to go away, and Alex says that I should remember everything as I did the second before I put that black device over my eyes.

Sometimes, though, I’ll be sitting, listening to music in my room, and nothing will be there to remind me, and lightning fast, things will flash through my head. I can’t tell what they are, but they shock me so much that I twitch, and my Discman skips, leaving me in complete silence for a few moments before the music starts again, and I take the time to breathe.

Are the sins getting staler
Does every moment move past you

Everyday, I sit in that machine, bent over, arms dangling in between my knees, trying to remember what never happened. That thing’s hagoromo - I don’t know where it is. Why do they expect me to know? All I see when I sit down and let Alex file through my head is Aya, climbing a tree, and dad cutting a birthday cake, and a friend laughing, and my bedroom at home. I haven’t been home in a while, and I miss my room - I miss my bed, and how I could sit on it, in front of the window, with my headphones on, and drift away, not having to think or worry about my little sister or my grades or my birthday. I’m sixteen, and I don’t have a girlfriend - I’m lonely, maybe, but I always had Aya, and when she’s around, there’s no need for another girl.

And then, when I don’t think about the memories, when I just let myself drift in between them, eyes closed and mind blank, they slow down, and I can make out details. Us at a park; the beach; a white, chiffon dress; her falling down the steps; driving to school; a big old tree; a pond; a white, beautiful dress; her in pyjamas; something dark in a pond; her getting ready for a dance.

Alex stops it then, but for a moment, something lingers, only an outline, on the back of my eyes, and wherever I look, the negative of a pond, and something in it, follows my vision.

It’s a break; I get up, wanting to wander, and I blink the image away. Did you remember anything? Alex asks me as I pass through the doors, his feminine voice ruffled by the speakers, and I shake my head wearily. The doors shut behind me, and I drag my feet through the halls, eager to get away from that boring room.

I’m hungry; I look up, and there’s that picture of her that Kagami stares at for hours without even blinking, I swear. Well, I’ll blink at it - I don’t want to see that. I don’t want to see that ever again. I want it to leave my little sister and go back where it came from. I’ll blink at it - I’ll close my eyes and never see it again. I close my eyes.

Or does it feel like forever
And shouldn’t you be laughing, too

I only know that when I open my eyes, I’m closer to the picture that I ever would like to be, and my hands are on it, and I’m standing there, lips wet and open.

And Kagami is staring at me. I stumble away, my hand flying up to my mouth, and I feel suddenly sick; I don’t know what I’m doing, but, at the same time, I do know. I know exactly that I’m doing, and something’s snickering at me in the back of my head, refusing to come forward and admit it’s evil trickery.

I try to move back to my room, but he grabs my shoulder, seeing how unsteady I am. He sits me down, and I do not say anything.

Then, he tells me, out of the blue, that in some places, twins are considering fiancées, but that here, they’re believed to be lost lovers who committed suicide, reincarnated.

I feel even sicker, and I fight the urge to throw up everything I’ve eaten and anything else I can manage, when he says easily, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world, that, indeed, interfamily relationships aren’t bad, and I shouldn’t be embarrassed about my attraction to my little sister’s other self. Mother and father were related when they were married; didn’t I know?

I lock myself in my room, even though they have all the keys and could very well come in and pull me out if they wanted too, but to keep them from doing that, I say that I’ve begun to feel sick. I do not eat, I do not think. I try not to think. About her. Her, inside Aya. Her, and how she wants to kill me, tear me limb from limb from the top of my head to each and every one of my ten toes, but can’t. Because, I know where the hagoromo is. I know where that precious fairy’s robe is, and only me. And its whereabouts are hidden deep in my head, somewhere primal that I’ve never uncovered before.

I fall asleep in the silence, although the television is on. It’s a videotape that Tooya took - he’s been watching Aya too much. I’ll have to stop him. She is my little sister, after all.

The next morning, Alex trots in, gay as ever, and exclaims that today, we’ll try something a bit different; image association. He will plug an image into that black box, and I will say what I see in my head. It sounds easy enough, but I don’t feel like being a good boy today. I just want to stay in my room, where nothing can touch me and nothing can change me.

They force me up, practically dragging me to the huge white room, and drop me into the chair. The black machine fits snugly over my head, and there’s silence.

What do you see? Alex asks, and I say cherry pie. He makes a quiet sound of laughter that I can barely hear over the intercom and then there is a grunt of annoyance; it’s Kagami.

If I don’t behave, he’ll tell everyone about me... and her picture...

What do you see? Alex asks again, and I say the first thing that appears in my head. Leash.

What do you see? A pond.

What do you see? Football.

What do you see? Blisters.

What do you see? A white dress.

What do you see? Paper.

What do you see? Pond.

They say, then, that they would like more detail on what I see, and I submit to their requests.

What do you see? A white dress, that looks lacy and sort of see-through.

What do you see? A home-cooked meal on the table when Aya and me get home from school, with mom and dad waiting for us so they can eat.

What do you see? A pond, surrounded by lots of big trees, with something dark in it.

What do you see? My school, right before Aya and me leave, with people everywhere trying to leave.

Take a look how they found you
Take a look what they’ve done to you now

What do you see?

I don’t see anything, but my mouth is dry and my hands are clenching on my knees and my lips are parted and I recognize a feeling that I know well. Why am I aroused?

What was it they wanted

What do you see? N-nothing.
I’m almost panting - what’s wrong with me?

Surreal and haunted
If only you saw it coming

I’m doing this for you, Aya. If I don’t find out there the hagoromo is, then she’ll never leave you, and I won’t be able to see you, Aya. But, Aya, I have an odd feeling - I’m turning into something that isn’t quite me. I’m strange, Aya. I’m changing into something strange.

‘Cause you’re so sick of it all
And you want to change everything

I just want to be normal again, Aya, and live in my home with mother and father and go to school and talk to my friends and walk home with you, Aya, talking about what happened during the day and about homework, Aya. I want to walk inside and see father sitting on the couch reading the newspaper and I want to see mother in the kitchen and I want to see you sit down on the couch and change the channel and I want to see him grumble at you and I want to see you complain about how he should only do one thing at a time and I want to see mother tell you not to be so annoying and I want it to go back to normal, Aya. I don’t want to change.

Just how deep will you go
To see through it all?

But, if it will bring you to me, I will keep searching through my head to find the hagoromo and to send her back to where she belongs, and we can be a happy family again, Aya. We can live happily, like before, together, just you and me, Aya, just you and your brother.

If I’m not... different...

I’ll write to you; I’ll tell you everything, Aya, and then you’ll understand.

If you could consume her,
Would you say you were finding your way out?

I must write this quickly, while I am still me. Aya,

The pen falls, I gasp. Hands in crystal clear cold water, rippling features of my face staring back at me, different yet the same. No! This isn’t who I am - I am Aki Mikage!

Her, standing waist deep in water, beautifully nude, dark hair pulled over her shoulder as she brushes it with careful hands, eyes half-lidded and face blank.

Is anything coming clearer?

Shocked gold eyes as I grab her wrist, turning her towards me, she’s lost and she’s mine and-

No! I don’t want to remember!

Tooya runs in, and I don’t know what happens. I seem to blank out, I’m fighting something, and I think I’m losing, but I promise to Aya that I’ll fight it forever, and that I’ll never give up, as long as she’s there.

I’m moving, and I’m confused, and there’s a hand pulling on mine, and then suddenly, I’m pushed hard.

Smashing your mirror?

Damn him, stealing everything away from me! A piece of wood I pick up stabs it’s way deep into his leg, and I snarl in satisfaction. I hate you, Tooya - Aya’s mine! She’s my sister! I won’t let anyone have her, if I can’t have her!

Aki? He breathes, shocked.

Still you can see you’re guilty.

That name startles me, and when I look up at him, I am dazed again; all I know is that there is no way I can let her see me like this, and he must go on without me. I back away, through a closing door, and I say something that I am not completely clear of. Then, it shuts, and he is gone, and I fall onto my knees. Some time later, people come for me, and I do not resist when they lift me like I am a bag of old potatoes.

How far down would you fall

I am pulled, dragged, dumped into my room, and I am left there for a bit. I stare at the fish tank, and regret ever saying goodbye to all the small fish in there in the first place.

Do you guys ever think of leaving this fish tank?

I reach in, letting my fingers dangle in the water; they’re covered in blood, and the fish wriggle around my hand.

Do you know that... one swims into my open palm, and I close, squeezing on the slippery little thing, once you leave, I pull it out, looking at the still tail sticking out of my tight fist, and force my fingers open, you’ll suffer, gills fluttering insanely as if that action will actually save it’s withered corpse as it falls to the floor, and die? The heel of my shoe comes down on it with a satisfying crunch, and I grind it until the stain is huge and there are small shards of gory bone permanently shredding the carpet.

If you never came up again

I’m at grandpa’s, and he’s making me push him around, and I obey sickly, going down a dark hallway as he rambles on about something, but I’m not listening. He opens a door and I don’t care, until he pulls a curtain away from the wall.

Coming closer my composure turning

It’s her.

It’s Ceres.

Inside out in her

She’s dead, body decomposed and missing limbs and her breasts are still ripe, and the old man is talking about them and my scars are opening and I scream and fall to my knees and I feel something crushing my insides, biting and tearing and fighting and teething and crawling to the surface.

Calling home all alone

Aya...!

You can call I won’t answer

I’m sorry... I tried!

Any question in my head

I know you love me, Aya...

Remains until you feel the same

But not like this, Aya...

Never telling how I felt

I’ve changed, and you’ll hate me for it...

Is all I ever cared about.

[author’s notes...]


This was SUCH a creative piece for me, man. I was just reading the manga, and I mean - c’mon, as IF Aki was even THAT calm the whole time... he must have been going insane! And I was listening to the sullen version of Sick of it All, and it just FIT so well. About how I thought he was changing. It didn’t just happen - it was gradual, so much so that he didn’t notice until finally, it all came together and he was shoved aside when he saw the mummy. Heh, and if you noticed, I almost snuck some semi-lyrics from Drag me Down in here, too. Half-way through, I sorta switched characters, although not REALLY... like, Aki became the repressed one, not Shiso, who became more in-control. Er, uh, but, beware, I’ve only read up to volume six of the manga - if anything’s terribly wrong, please forgive me! Another one of those two in the morning bits (although it’s only quarter to one), much like my “Cold and Empty” fic... even the name sounds the same! I’m sorry if it’s terrible! (Which I’m fairly sure it is ^^;;) Please review kindly!! I take critism way to hard, ahehe ^.^;