Sessha Think's He Love's You
I Think I Love You
preformed by Less Than Jake,
by the Partridge Family


I'm sleeping
And right in the middle of a good dream
when all at once I wake up
From something that keeps knocking at my brain

Once a hitokiri, always a hitokiri.

In it’s proposed essence, he whole-heartedly wished to disagree, however true Jin-ei’s words rung - but there were things that were changing. He slept more soundly, less likely to be jarred awake by the sound of rustling cloth as Yahiko rolled over three rooms down, or by a particularly heavy breath Kaoru exhaled.

Yes, it was a good thing - he had never felt so rested in his life. But...

“... mm... ru... Kaoru...”

A smile curved his lips as he slept, the futon seeming much more comfortable as he rolled onto his side, arms and legs shifting to make room for the other person that was not there. Sunlight streamed through the rice paper doors, and, dreaming, he mistook the warmth of the sun on his face to be the warmth of her touch.

“Koish... aishi...”

He trailed off, bundling his face into the pillow, his lips parting to kiss the woman in his dreams as she replied to his endearment.

And then his eyes opened as feet stomped heavily across the floor, shaking the ground on which he lay.

Through his clouded consciousness, words pierced, loud and sharp; “Hey! Busu!! Don’t tell me you’re trying to make breakfast - ya’ old hag, what are you trying to do!? Poison us all!?”

Kenshin blinked, wishing to return to the dreamscape, and closed his eyes, forcefully trying to send himself back there where the double futon lay amongst a bed of flowers and where she waited, blue eyes sparkling with unspoken promises and entreaties, dressed only in one of his gi...

... what was he thinking?!

Before I go insane
I hold my pillow to my head
And spring up in my bed

Stop it stop it stop it stop it!

And, yes - even the iron will of the infamous Hitokiri Battousai was beginning to vanish, as her face, branded onto the back of his eyes, surrounded by blossoming red flowers, kept appearing in his mind.

“I'll watch you from the abyss of hell to see how long you can wander as a vagabond.”

The rurouni wrinkled his nose, digging his face further into the pillow, before sitting up and pressing the heels of his calloused hands to his face.

Are you watching now, Jin-ei? Are you watching and laughing at my tormented soul? Feh - ‘I’ve seen that this girl is your woman!’ How I wish that was true...

Screaming out the words I dread:
"I think I love you!”

I... I think I love her... THINK? No, I know I do... but... I’m too old, too stained. I’d be ruining her life. She’s too young. Too innocent, too... right. Enough of this. Get up before Yahiko storms in, screaming ‘Kenshin - look what busu’s doing to my breakfast!’ Kenshin sighed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

This morning, I woke up with this feeling
I didn't know how to deal with
And so I just decided to myself
I'd hide it to myself
And never talk about it

Just like any other day, the ex-hitokiri told himself as he idly scratched his leg with the other foot underneath the blankets. Get up, make breakfast, do the laundry, watch Yahiko practice, make lunch, go to the market - just like any other day.

He loved the regimented procedure, of course - his life had always been hectic, lost and confused, until now. He could barely remember the first six years of his life with his parents and brothers - and then the slave traders. That was shortlived, and then Shishou, and then Tomoe... the Bakumatsu... he shook his head. All of that was one tumultuous typhoon in his mind, ever-raging and always on the brink of exploding into his new life.

But, now - at the dojo - it was calm. Peaceful. When he woke up, the room was not dark and there was not a new enemy to be killed - there was sunlight, and there were children who wanted to cling to him, a boy who looked up to him, a friend who laughed with him, a woman who scolded him about taking better care of himself - and, her.

Her, he thought, eyes contentedly falling shut as he nuzzled his head against the pillow and stretched out under the blankets, bare feet brushing along the floor and fingers stretching out to the sides to play with the edges of the futon.

The one to challenge him on the foggy streets of Tokyo with nothing more then a piece of wood without knowing - and, with knowing, at the same time - who he really was, the one to welcome him into her home understanding the troubles this simple rurouni could impose upon her, the one to follow him as far as Kyoto to bring him back home - her.

His lips moved without his willing them to, forming her name, and then the words he so wished to speak to her, the words that were meant only for her, but that would not pass his lips.

Oh, gods, this was terrible! Kenshin shook his head, eyes snapping open, body kicking off the blankets. He sat upright on the futon, red hair ruffled by the dream, falling down his shoulders and back in waves of fiery sunlight.

I’m not worthy! She’s too pure!! I’m too stained, too old, too wrong! She’s too young, too clean, too beautiful, too... she’s so beautiful...

Violet eyes speckled with amber as he clenched a fist in the blanket, eyelids fluttering shut. So beautiful, so clean... so pure... The rurouni’s eyes snapped open violently, blinking furiously as the molten bubbles burst and sunk below the surface. So YOUNG!! Ya-me-ro-ya-me-ro-ya-me-ro-ya-me-ro-ya-me-

And didn't I go and shout it
When you walked into the room
"I think I love you!"

He was too deep in his thoughts to distinguish who’s footsteps were nearing him from the hallway - if he hadn’t been in a screaming match with his two personalities inside his head, Battousai about ready to lose his calm yet dangerous personality and throttle the hesistant Rurouni, Kenshin surely would have realized that it was not the heavy, heel-toe footfalls of Yahiko that rang against the floor, but the quick, light steps of someone else...

The door snapped open as Battousai went savage on the poor vagabond.

“Kenshin, breakfa-“

“I love you!”

I think I love you
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for
I think I love you
Isn't that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say
I've never felt this way

“... ororo...”

Kaoru blinked at him, mouth hanging open, as Yahiko cursed from the kitchen about the food being poisoned. She didn’t seem to quite notice the gold draining from the outline of his irises, Battousai retreating into the shadows as the Rurouni shattered on the floor.

“... oro...”

Kenshin blinked, lost for a moment, before he found that, yes, his mouth was moving, and he was talking, and, yes, he had said that.

“... orororooo...”

Violet met blue, and then the gaze broke abruptly as Kenshin looked down at the futon. This is all a dream, just a dream, all a dream, it’s not real...

I don’t know what I’m up against
I don’t know what it’s all about
I’ve got so much to think about

“... K-Kenshin...”

Fisting a fold of his yukata, he only slouched down a bit further, waiting for the blow to his heart. It would be best this way, really... she was quiet, before her body shifted, the kimono she wore rustling and making him cringe as it seemed to ring in his ears.

“... breakfast is ready!” She chimed, and he blinked, looking to her feet in confusion as if they could somehow give him his answers. “You’ll want to hurry before Yahiko and Sanosuke eat it all!” And with that, she turned away, trotting down the hall, away from him.

... what... what was she doing... hadn’t she heard him...?

... oh, gods... what have I done?!

It took him a long time, but he managed to grit his teeth and ignore the building pressure in his chest, how his eyes felt mysteriously wet, how all will had drained out of his body. All he wanted to do, was run. Run, far, far away. The rurouni was so good at that - they would not even notice he had vanished until later, and he could just leave a note, saying that it was time to wander again. It would be so easy to leave it all behind - just walk away. It was for the best... she wouldn’t ever be able to act the same around him, now.

“Why,” he whispered, moving his hands to cradle his face, the scar he bore on one cheek searing against the calloused skin of his palms, “why do I always ruin everything...”

The Kamiya dojo had been home, had been full of laughter and friends and happiness - now... Kaoru would surely ask him to leave, and what would he be able to do to change her mind? Nothing - it was her who had invited him into her home; it was his fault he had imposed upon her for so long. It was time to get moving. It would be best for them all.

Kenshin took a moment to regain his composure, scrubbing away the wet feeling from under his eyes and steadying his voice.

Breakfast, first. They would notice too quickly for him to write a letter to apologize... breakfast, and then he would leave forever. It... would be a bit hard... but... he had to...

I think I love you
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for

Slowly, he pushed himself to his feet and walked out into the halls, still dressed in the yukata. It would be a long time before he got to feel the luxury of proper sleeping garments, and so he was prepared to bask in the different feeling of the clothing all through the meal, even if it would provoke odd glances from Sano and Yahiko, nevermind Kaoru-dono...

How could he do this to her...? Dump his tainted, stained self, a burden she wasn’t supposed to carry onto her shoulders... how would breakfast proceed, with her sitting so close to him and yet, at the same time, so far away from where he ached to have her, safe in his arms, sheltered and protected and loved...

I think I love you
Isn't that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say
I've never felt this way

He stepped into the doorway, head down, and quietly took his place at the table as Sanosuke voiced a hearty “g’morning”, muffled by the inhuman amounts of food jammed into his mouth. Yahiko didn’t even acknowledge him.

And the normal routine he had with Kaoru was broken as she didn’t say “ohayou, Kenshin” like always, as he didn’t get the chance to smile at her and reply, watching her smile widen as she asked if he had slept well. She wasn’t even talking to him... what have I done?

“Oi! Jou-chan! If you’re not gunna come eat, I’m going to take your share!”

Yahiko coughed, one hand clenching at his chest. “Why would you want to?! This food is disgusting - HEY! BUSU! I THOUGHT WE TOLD YOU NOT TO COME NEAR THE KITCHEN!”

Blinking, he rose his downturned eyes a bit, and, sure enough, Kaoru was not sitting where she normally was.

“Kenshin! You’re not eating, either! What’s the matter? Afraid of the food?” Grinning, Yahiko snuck a hand towards his plate.

“... you may have my share, de gozaru yo,” Kenshin said quietly, standing up and heading towards Kaoru’s room. Yahiko blinked, obviously shocked at the easy win, before flashing a toothy grin at Sanosuke and diving for the extra food.

He had messed everything up, and, it was his job to fix it, Kenshin told himself, although as he stubbornly stationed himself in front of her bedroom, everything told him to run away and forget about everything, even her.

But... there’s no way I’ll ever forget her. Running away won’t be easy - this time, even walking away will be very hard. This place is full of happy memories and people I care about... but I must go. For her sake. I have to let her live her own life - and Sessha shouldn’t be included in it. He doesn’t deserve to be.

Believe me, you really
don’t have to worry
I only want to make you happy

“... Kaoru-dono...?”

Silence for a moment, and then a quiet and muffled, “come in, Kenshin.”

He nodded to himself, encouragement to open the door and take the step inside; it still took him a minute to force his hands into action. She was sitting on her futon, her back to him, and he swallowed, shutting the shoji behind him.

“... Sessha is sorry for causing such problems, Kaoru-dono,” he mumbled, head down, hands clutched in white-knuckled fists. “He... what sessha said this morning... he shouldn’t have said...”

Kaoru’s shoulders sunk dramatically, and the urge to run to her and hold her broken form was almost overwhelming. He stood his ground, though, feeling his hands tighten until he thought his nails would break the skin of his palm.

“Sessha... sessha wa rurouni...“

Her back snapped up, the movement cutting him short. Kenshin tightened his shoulders, watching the back of her head, waiting for her to tell him that, yes, it was time for him to leave again.

And if you say,
“hey, go away,” I will

But, instead, she whispered quietly, “Kenshin... you don’t have to pretend you love me... I know you don’t care about me like I care about you. You don’t need to pretend, for my sake, and I understand, and... and I can live with being a little sister to you.

Demo... I won’t let you leave. You’re part of this family, Kenshin - this family that you helped me put together after I lost everything. You helped me gain a little brother, an older one, and an older sister, too - I don’t know what I’d do without Yahiko and Sanosuke and Megumi-san, nevermind without you. You can’t leave us. We...” She paused, making a choking sound, and slumped over again. “We love you, Kenshin! Why can’t you see that? We all love you, like a brother, like a father, like a-a lover... we’d all die if you left again! You’re what holds us all together, can’t you see? And don’t you dare say that you’re unworthy, no more of this ‘sessha’ business,” her voice escalated angrily as she cut him off, “we don’t care about your past! We only care about the present, about Himura Kenshin, the man who fought so hard to keep our family together and to save everyone, the man who made this family was it is - your past is just that! The past! And we will still love you, whether you’re Battousai or the rurouni - because, no matter what, you’re still our Kenshin!”

He didn’t respond, and she choked back tears that had suddenly sprung into her eyes, her throat closing with emotion.

“We won’t let you leave,” she snarled, angry at herself for being so weak. “We won’t. If you leave, our family would fall apart... and I’d be all alone again... please, Kenshin! You can’t leave! I won’t let you abandon us again!!”

But I think better still
I better to stay around and love you

There was silence from behind her, and angrily, Kaoru tried to calm her tears, scrubbing with one hand at her eyes, her breath shaking in her throat. “Mou!” The word was uttered under her breath, but he heard it and shuffled his feet at her change in attitude. “You can be so stubborn!” She grumbled, and then, suddenly, his arms were around her, his face nuzzling into her neck, kneeling behind her with his knees at either side of her body. She blinked, too surprised to even gasp, before his voice whispered, shaking heavily, beside her ear.

“... I do love...” He paused, closing his eyes, “... you all... so much... and if... you don’t want me to leave, I never will...”

“... K-Kenshin,” she mumbled, looking down to see where his arms crossed over her stomach and breast protectively, tightening when she shifted, bringing her hands up to hold the one closest to her face. He loved everyone, and she was no exception... the thought, although not new to her, seemed so much harder to cope with when he himself said it.

His arms didn’t release her - in fact, as her lungs rattled with her uneven breaths, they tightened, and his lips grazed her cheek, slowly turning her towards him, cradling her shoulder against his chest.

Do you think I have a case?
Let me ask you to your face

“... demo... Kaoru...”

Suddenly, his lips we so close to hers, and his eyes scanned her face, stopping on her own eyes as he brought up one of his hands to hold her cheek. A careful smile fluttered over his lips, and she blinked slowly, saying his name under her hushed breath as he smudged the tell-tale trace of tears from her cheeks with a gentle thumb.

He hadn’t used the -dono she hated so much, she suddenly realized.

“... if you’re sure...”

She blinked, cocking her head to the side as he closed his eyes and rested his face on her shoulder.

“... if you think that you...”

Understanding what he meant, she grew angry, grumbling in a quiet voice, “I don’t think, I know. I know that I love you. Even now, when I tell you, you still don’t listen? Mou!”

Do you think you love me?

After a moment, he chuckled, the noise muffled in her kimono, before he rose his face to hers.

“... then... then I, Himura Kenshin, will love you back with all my heart.”

Kaoru watched him, shocked, as, slowly, he leaned closer until their noses brushed.

“... if you want me to,” he added, noticing her silence. That shook her out of her thoughts, and angrily, she smacked his shoulder, watching his eyes.

“Kenshin no baka! Of course... of course I do... you weren’t lying when you said that... that you love me...?”

His smile widened, and he shook his head slowly, slipping his nose along hers, nuzzling it against her cheek as they lessened the gap. “Iya... I would never lie to you, koishii,” he whispered. “But... why didn’t you tell me...?”

Mumbling quietly, she looked down, avoiding his eyes. “I thought... you looked so... tormented. I thought you only said it to make me feel better... I mean, it’s been so obvious, no matter how much I tried to hide how I felt,” she grumbled, angry at her apparent failure.

“... oh, koishii...” The hand on her stomach tightened a bit, trying to comfort her. “No, no, no... I was only... scared... I’m so unworthy, my hands are stained... how could you ever love anyone like me...?”

Abruptly, she smacked him upside the head.

“Oro?!”

“Kenshin no baka!” She growled, smacking him again. “I told you! I don’t care about your past - I only care about you! Your past hurts you so much... I just wish I could make you forget, make you see that we’re all here for you now, and that it doesn’t matter what you did!”

With each word, his face softened, until she stopped, suddenly realizing that his eyes were shimmering with - what was that? Tears? She was about to comfort him, try to fix things and make it all better, hands on his face, when he kissed her, holding her tightly against his chest and stroking her cheek with his thumb.

When he pulled away, she could only stare at him in awe, lips parted slightly, still tingling from the touch, and he laughed, touched by her reaction.

You’re adorable, koishii...

Aishiteru, Kaoru-koishii... I’ll never leave you... this place is home, after all.”

“... anata no baka,” she muttered affectionately, matching the gentle tone in his own voice as she settled against his chest, playing with the neckline of his yukata. “Aishiteru.”

I think I love you!