Hi everyone-

I've been meaning to write this for awhile now. Thank you very much for
the birthday book. For those of you who contributed, I need to tell you
that that was the most wonderful thing you could have done for me, and it
couldn't have come at a better time- You should all know, that whatever
it is that I and my music do for you, it can only be expressed so, because
you're there listening. I'm proud of being the reason why so many wonderful
people gather right here, and get to know each other, but I'm aware that
I need you to be what I want to be. (There's no way to say that right.)
Anyway, I gotta explain the MTV speech, because it's too annoying to be
misunderstood, and if it's written down, I won't have to talk about it
anymore. Here's what happened:

Sitting there in the audience, just before my award was announced, I had
a crowd of people sitting around me, staring, awaiting my reaction to the
outcome of the "contest". Now me,- I was sure I couldn't win. For me,
MTV seemed like the land of the cool- the popular peoples' party, and I
honestly didn't expect to be accepted and appreciated by the very ones who,
at that point, still intimidated me, you know? I mean, I remember what it 
was like being a freshman in high school, and feeling so small and inadequate
in the shadows of those beautiful "senior people". I remember actually
believing that somehow their lives were better than mine- more fun and
more meaningful, because they had status, and I didn't. Then, when I was
a senior, I still thought the grass would be greener, only this time, it
was the celebrities I was comparing myself to. I would watch these awards
shows, watch them all walk down the red carpets, and think,- fuck- I'm 
nobody. Those people are special. They're perfect. Everyone likes them.
They get invited to parties- they get all the pretty clothes. I don't have
shit. I shop at Ross Dress For Less and I gotta pay a 10 buck cover charge
to wait in the cold before anyone lets me into their parties, and even then,
I'm still just me. No one knows my name. No one cares what I think. How
come some people are born to grace and perfection and gleeful reception
wherever they arrive, and others are doomed to be shunned and shamed for
their misfortune and even for their sacred individuality? I know a lot
of people feel that way, that's why people got so annoyed with me for saying
what I said. They figured "she's got it all, and she's complaining to us?"
But you see, that's exactly the mentality I strive to overturn. I mean,
you think I've got something that makes my life a fairytale- that makes
my life enviable, because people know my name, I'm starting to make a lot
of money? Well, I agree, I do. I'm lucky to be able to do the shit I do,
and I love to do it, most of the time. But when I started with this whole 
music thing, I wanted to bring people together, and show them that all we
are is what we feel. No one's got more than anyone else. Not really. The
only thing anyone ever truly possesses, are the thoughts and feeling we
use as fuel, to motivate ourselves into action. And the only things we 
can ever take real pride in, are the physical manifestations of all our
pains and passions; the actions we control- the situations we create-the
thoughts and feelings we provoke in one another. In that sense, we're all 
the same, and there's no reason to ever envy or feel inferior to anyone
know matter how much fame and money they've got and there's no sense in
even looking up to them, just because they've got those things. But this
society is infatuated with celebrities. We look on hollywood with the eyes
of desperate disciples. We copy their clothes, their hair do's and don'ts,
their attitudes, behavior and even the most trivial of characteristics
we read about in magazines, like what comic books they read, and what soda
they drink. We herald them as gods, as royalty, and when we compare ourselves
to them, we feel small. When I won, I felt like a sellout. I felt that I
deserved recognition, but that the recognition I was getting, was for the
wrong reasons. I felt that now, in the blink of an eye, all of those
people who didn't give a fuck who I was, or what I thought, were now all
at once, just humoring me, appeasing me, and not just because of my talent,
but instead because of the fact that somehow with the help of my record
company and my make-up artist, my stylist, and my press, I had successfully
created the illusion that I was perfect, and pretty, and rich, and therefore
living a higher quality of life. I started to resent being there, because
I felt like I was now one of those seniors, one of those "better than
thou" celebrities, who made me feel so small before, and now, I was going
to make people feel small. I'd saved myself from the misfit status, but
I'd betrayed my own kind, by becoming a paper doll in order to be accepted.
"It's stupid that I'm even in this world" only referred to that fact that
up on that stage, I didn't feel cool. I didn't feel like I had graduated
into celebrity, I felt like I snuck into that party, and because I was
wearing nice clothes, and I was bearing a name that some people now
recognized, somehow, I tricked them all into thinking I belonged. I thought
they liked me for superficial reasons, and therefore, I resented being
liked. (Just like when I was a junior in high school, and guys started
asking me out all of a sudden, I know it was because of my physical 
metamorphosis. "I've always been a good person," I thought, and I hated
their clothing for I knew it was due only to that fact over the summer
I had grown breasts.) Does anyone see what I mean? I know I'm a little
oversensitive. I'm cynical, impulsive, and in many ways, very stupid. But
I had this thought, and I had this feeling, and I said it. I put it into
action. I provoked conversation. And that, I am proud of.

Also, here is a letter I am sending to Spin (no explanation necessary).
Three things:
1.) I do not think of Tori Amos as the "poster girl for rape"- I was
merely referring to the danger in both of us being honest about our personal
experience, when, as public figures, there is a tendency of the media to
label us and reduce our music to simply a reflection of one cultural ill.
2.) I don't want to die. If you knew me personally, you'd see that I was
just being me- sarcastically, cynically, and deadpan. (Please- I was
coming out of a photo shoot- and if you read the article, you know I
consider suicide a tasty alternative to modeling.)
3.) And finally, just to clarify, the "Criminal" video is not an erotic
reference to my childhood assault- please. It's about the trouble in weilding the
the double edged sword of female sexuality. The thin line between sweet
seduction and subversive manipulation. How come I feel like a "Bad, bad
girl", when all I did was have a night of fun? Just cause a girl gets
her kick in bed, don't mean she's a victim, or a slut, or a whore. And
if you're dumb enough to think I'm a victim, cuz I look "waifish", well
then you probably can't read this letter, so what can I say?

One last thing. Remember, everything you see in the media, is what the
people with the big desks want you to see. Seek your own answers to the
questions that are raised.
Like I said before, "Go with yourself!"
--Fiona