Murmurs


old journals;

My Forgiven Twistings
Creation Myth



my past is memories... a long long string of memories. all detached, and all connected in a web that holds me up and drags me down.
sometimes you just need to remember...

written september 28

we were sitting on the floor in his room, candles flickering, lego scattered around the floor...
we'd had a fight, my first real fight with a boyfriend, and to make up for it we ordered in swiss chalet, he lit candles, and gave me the romantic dinner i had so often talked about wanting.
we decided that we would order in once a month, make a tradition of spending time doing something together.
he hated to go out, hated it with such a passion that he would frequently cancel on me because the thought of getting on a bus bothered him so much. he hated that it was important to me to go out together, instead of always staying in his house, in his room, doing... whatever it is we did.
he took me out for dinner once, to the reef and beef, and leaned across the table and told me how beautiful i looked. i blushed. i always blush.
i don't miss him. don't want him back. don't ever want to be in a relationship that gives me so little of what i need, but...
whenever he slept over i would get up early, tiptoe down to my room where he slept, make coffee and wake him up to a fresh mug of coffee. we would walk to the mcdonald's, have a cigarette each, and order six chicken nuggets and a two cheeseburger meal deal with iced tea and one plain cheeseburger. then we'd get a slurpee at the 7-11 across the street, have another cigarette and walk back.
when i slept at his house, i would wake up before anyone else in his family, pad up the stairs to the living room where he would be asleep on the couch, and watch him for an hour or so before anybody else got up. or i would talk to his mom, go to the 7-11 around the corner and buy her a paper and a slurpee...
i miss having someone who wakes up and stretches and smiles when they see me there.
i miss having an arm draped across my waist as i fall asleep.
he was not what i needed. he was not what i wanted, he was not good for me. i realize that.
i know that i don't need him. i don't even miss him. i rarely miss anything about him, but i do miss having someone.



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