Random Thoughts



These Thoughts are mine - a second page of them. The same rules apply. Respect my thoughts, read my thoughts, feel free to e-mail me about my thoughts. Welcome to the second page of my Random Thoughts.


On Waiting...

"don't wait" the words flashed white on my black background. easy. two... three if you don't count the contraction. what is waiting? what is anticipation? the desire to accept... something... that will theoretically come to you out of... somewhere... and after it comes you will... no longer wait? is that possible? as a human can you cease your waiting? can you stand back and say "when it comes it comes, when it leaves it leaves, when It wishes, It will Be."
i doubt it.
i can't. i can't throw back my head and kiss it all goodbye because what would i then be? nothing. without this anticipation, without this tension, this agony of waiting - without that i would be an animal, i think. acceptance is one thing. acceptance is the adaptation that allows a person to wait without worrying - but still they wait. if you did not wait you would live entirely in the moment, and when you give up the rest of it - when you give up past, present, future - the linking of all three into a consciousness that embodies not only memory, not only life, but also waiting, then you give up your humanity. you give up everything.
it hurts to wait for some things. it hurts to wait for friendship, for love, for the end of pain or the beginning of a new start. it hurts to wait for that breath of fresh existance that will free you from yourself, but... is it not also joyous?
imagine yourself sitting on your front step, eagerly awaiting a loved one. yes, it is torture scanning the passing cars for the longed for face - it is torture running through previews of your happy reunion, playing memories of past reunions over and over in your mind. but you must admit that there is also a sweetness. the honeyed memories, the perfect fantasies, unsullied by reality. without that wait you would never have time to savour the past, you would never need to anticipate the future.
so i will wait. i will sit on my front step and close my eyes, throw back my head and let myself... feel the wait... because waiting is just a random thought floating through my mind.


On The One That Got Away...

i had a boy once. oh yes. he was a wonderful boy, with chocolate sky-blue eyes and long short soft spiked hair, and a beautifully deep light warm cool voice. he was tall short, medium built very handsome in an understated way.
he was the one that got away.
i forget his name... forget if he had a name... but i remember everything about him. our first kiss(es), our first shared words, the first glance. it was at a party in school in a mall, and he was sitting standing there looking so very calm agitated quiet introverted extroverted.
he was perfect.
i've memorized the lines of his face and the color of his eyes and the tilt and sway of his voice. i've memorized the way he used to walk and the way he used to say my name(s) 'tiff' 'tiffany' 'tiffy'... 'babe'
i can hear his voice(s) in my head all the time. sometimes it's confusing, and i think that i've only just figured it out.
i never had the one that got away. he was perfect though. i fit perfectly in his arms and he was molded permenantly around my heart. it doesn't matter that he never existed, because parts of him existed - at different times, in different boys, in different moods and different places and different meanings... but all the same end. all leading to this One. this Perfection that i let get away. the fish that was this big, this big, this big, this big.
but size doesn't matter does it?
it's the fact that there was a fish, there was a boy. he can be whatever i want him to be. bragging/whining rights. i can say "i had a perfect boy once... but i let him get away. i would be in heaven right now except he got away. it's the perfect one that gets away" well, who will say no? the ones who hurt your feelings never get away. the ones who treat you badly and make you cry never get away. it's only the perfect ones that get away.
and that's the way it's supposed to be. i don't want the one that got away. i'm happy he got away. i'm thrilled that he's gone.
because now i can tell everyone about him. about my boy. about my angelic little devil... because the one that got away is just a random thought floating through my mind...