Come gather lads and lasses, and a tale will be told,

Of noble young adventurers in search of a dragon's gold.

Maybe not that noble, maybe not that bold.

And as this song will soon relate, they didn't get too old.

[explains background of song]

Their leader was Delphine the Black, she fought with double swords,

She wiped her feet on noble fops and humbled mighty lords.

There was also a dwarf named Bristol, quite a strong and ugly lump,

So short and wide and thick of hide he was called the Bristol Stump.

Now Biff, the drunked Druid, was the party's magic power.

He spent his days in a Burbon haze, in every waking hour.

And for Delphine's affections, fought with Vericose the Vain.

A pretty-boy elf with a damn big axe and a thing for causing pain.

Their battle plan was simple, they would all have lengths of wire,

And Biff disguised as an ice-cream man would quench the dragon's fire.

They'd garrote off its arms and legs in a daring frontal raid,

And if that didn't work, well they always had the Holy Hand Grenade.

So they started off for the dragon's cave, its treasures for to take,

But half way there the birds flew off and the ground began to shake.

They heard a roar and a terrible crash, and they all turned round to see

The dragon right behind them cleaning its nails on a tree.

And they ran through the brambles,

And they ran through the briars,

And they ran through the bushes were the rabbits couldn't go.

Ran so fast that the hounds couldn't catch sorry.

Then Biff said, Divine Intervention, hey that's always worth a try.

Oh Mother Goddess, save our hides, we beg you for D.I.

Now Druid gods have always had a wit that's rather dry,

So a dozen guys in green and black fell out of a clear blue sky.

They landed with a mighty yell, 'cause landing hurts a lot,

But when they saw that dragon all the pain was quite forgot.

They hollered 'What a challenge!' and they hid behind some trees,

And they all whipped out their laser guns and blew away its knees.

Now our heroes were in front of it, as you may well recall,

And when its legs were vaporized they knew where it would fall.

Now Biff had a chance to save just one, and it caused him awful pain,

To choose who lived, whether Bristol, whether Delphine or Weather Vain.

Then he pushed Delphine to safety and knocked Vericose to the turf,

And when the dragon hit the elf, he was shorter than a Smurf.

Now Bristol the dwarf was weighted down by all that stupid wire,

And he got crushed to dwarven slime, so now he's Bristol-Myers.

Delphine and Biff, the drunken Druid, sent up a thankful prayer,

And thought of all that dragon gold the two of them would share.

'Till they remembered all those warriors,wondering what to do,

And then that balmy Druid said, 'we're friendly, who are you?

So if you ask adventurers, they'll always say the same,

Don't ever bother dragons, nothing adventured, nothing gained.

And never trust the Druid gods, nor beg them for D.I.

'Cause you might get intervention and you just might get Dorsi.