My most intense period of counseling and/or therapy spanned a time of about two years beginning in the Summer of 1990.. which was when my childhood memories decided to come flooding back. The counselor I saw for the longest amount of time was named Ken.. and I saw him at our HMO doctor's office. HMO's don't offer long-term counseling though, and I was only allotted sessions in eight week increments. (Those were renewed a lot for a while.. but I was never sure when or IF they would be renewed.)
I expected miracles from him at first.. surely there must be a quick fix? He told me many times that it would be a long process, and assured me he was not a wizard with a magic wand behind his chair.
It was with that in mind that I wrote the following for him.
Note: I can see now that I've come a long way since writing it. I no longer believe most of what happened to me was my fault, for example.
If you were a wizard with a wand full of power
And could sit and grant wishes hour after hour,
I'd visit you often and beg for a chance
For you to do magic, do your "song & dance".
I'd ask you to wave your wand and be
The greatest wizard ever and finally set me free.
With the first waving I'd do away with the years
Of heartache & pain that cause so many tears.
I'd wish to be over the memory of shame
Of knowing it was only me there to blame.
And, if a great wizard with power, you possess
The magic to do even more I'd confess
To wanting more spells cast on my behalf.
I'd want to be happy, I'd want to laugh,
To forget the rejection from those who said
They'd stay by my side, yet, turned and fled.
Then, if your power was not used up & dry,
I want answers to questions. I'd want to know "why".
Why do people say one thing but mean another?
Why can't people just be honest with each other?
How can love become simple and pure..
Instead of painful, only there to endure?
When is the time for dreams to come true..
For the world to be bright instead of broken & blue?
I know about wizards. I know they're not real,
But, pardon me anyway, I can't help but feel..
If only there were a wizard with power..
(Either doing his work in an office or tower)..
I'd feel more secure knowing he was near
To help me through the times of doubt and fear.
But, frogs are not princes in clever disguise
And wizards aren't here to answer my cries.
If wizards are gone, then a human it must be
Trusted with the task of helping me find "me".
So, here we both are, but not to the end..
Because of limitations & rules that can't bend.
Just talk to me wisely, encourage me, too
(We've little time left & I'm counting on you).
Teach me the ways so I can cope.
Fill me with power to feel there is hope.
Take me to the door of serenity and then
Give me the courage to bravely walk in.
Help me set goals and put the past behind,
To look to the future, find peace of mind.
I'll try not to scare you throughout this ordeal..
But, please, oh please.. Show me how to heal.
