Washington, D.C., April 11, 1998 (spa) -- Democrats today announced a new initiative in their legislative battle with Republicans. Noting that all legislation should adhere to the highest ethical, legal and jingoistic standards, the "Law Relevancy Law" was unveiled for the press yesterday. "As we introduce this legislation, we proudly proclaim that we are doing this to protect our nation's future: the children. We believe that this law will force all legislators to focus on those issues that are most important for the children."

The "Law Relevancy Law" is very simple. It directs that all future legislation be required to describe how that legislation will benefit the children. Democrats noted that in introducing this law, they in fact followed it even though there is at present no controlling legal authority requiring them to do that.

While privately noting that nothing substantive is expected from this legislation, Democrats announced it early as the cornerstone of their drive to return Congress to Democratic hands. "If this passes, we win because people will know that we have done it. If it doesn't pass, we win because people will know that the evil Republicans, all members of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, don't care about the children. And when we gain control of the House and Senate, we won't need to follow it anyway. We have always done what we wanted no matter what the law said."

Republicans are scrambling to catch up in the public relations battle. Fearful lest they be described as "uncaring," many Republicans are discussing the possibility of amending the Democratic bill to note how the legislation will improve the lot of minority children in particular. "We have shown that we can 'Out-Democrat' the Democrats in recent years. This amendment will give us an opportunity to sound sincere, capture the votes of ethnic minorities when they realize that we care more than they do, and not worry about the consequences since there is no hope for the legislation once the Democrats realize that we have beaten them at their own game."

Republicans crow that they have successfully made the transition from being the minority party to the majority party by abandoning the principles that got them elected and becoming more like the Democrats they defeated in '94. "We got her by preaching smaller government. Now that we are here, we plan to use all the perks of a bigger government to stay in power. After all, we are doing this not only for the children, but for the poor, outcast and minority children who might never have a chance were it not for us."

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