Clinton Reacts Quickly!!

Washington, D.C. (spa) - Bill Clinton reacted to the deaths of Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono today by calling for what he termed "reasonable and necessary measures" to control trees. "Trees have become the major slope and rural killer," noted Clinton as he offered his call to end the outbreak of deaths caused by trees.

"Not only has America suffered the loss of two great leaders, trees have been known to cause deaths in a variety of ways. I remember that while growing up, friends had trees jump out in front of them while driving down rural highways. No one can argue that burning trees have caused a loss of life and habitat for animals. Trees have caused too much pain to animal and human; Republican and Democrat alike. It is time now to put an end to these tragedies!" Clinton was seen wiping tears from his eyes as he spoke.

The first suggestion offered by the president was that ski slope owners and rural inhabitants be urged to turn in their trees. Upon questioning Clinton angrily denied that recent donations from the logging industry sparked this suggestion: "I don't see how you can politicize a tragedy such as this!" He claimed that the wood industry representatives selected to participate were not chosen on the basis of political contributions.

The next suggestions, following quickly included: that all those who refused to give up their trees be required to obtain a license for their trees; that there be a five day waiting period for those wishing to buy new trees; that tree owners undergo mandatory training in proper tree growing techniques; and finally that tree owners be required to invest in the country if they desire to keep their trees.

Noting that this seemed to be a break with tradition, Clinton noted: "While many may object to what they see as such a drastic change in our country's heritage, remember who plays most around trees: the children. While the deaths of these prominent people have brought the concern to our attention, let us remind ourselves that these measures are, after all, for the children."

In reaction, Republicans noted that while they opposed Clinton's initiatives they recognized that trees had no Constitutional protection. Al Gore angrily denied that Clinton's new plan was a personal attack.

Satirical Press Associates (SPA) is a group of writers or one writer with multiple personalities who have (has) a warped sense of reality. None of their (his) reports should be construed as factual, although they (he) have (has) been known to take factual situations and distort them. You are invited to gain a free trial membership by writing jamesgang@interconnect.net. Trial memberships last until they end. Those who wish to support this endeavor may be crazier than the author(s) but are welcome to e-mail the earlier address for information.

(c) 1997 by Bob James. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to distribute this article to others without charge as long as it is distributed in its entirety and this notice is attached. This article may not be distributed commercially either individually or as part of any anthology without the express written consent of the author.

Return to Bob James's View of Life

Return to the Humor Page