In recent days, our esteamed (sic) First Lady suggested that critics of the President were nothing more than Arkansas haters. Based upon her prejudicial attacks on her husband's critics, she would have us believe that those attacking the President reduce Arkansans to bumbling idiots who can't count past 10. As one of those critics, I would like to say that this is not true. For example, I know that when barefoot, most Arkansans can count to 20. But in an order to clear the air, the SPA is spreading this Public Service Announcement.

Please note that we are under no compulsion to do this, we are doing this out of the goodness of our heart and an attempt to let the people know that we forgive them for giving us Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Remember that only under Mr. Clinton did Arkansas change from "The Land of Opportunity" to "The Natural State."

Your yearly membership in the Arkansas Support Society of only $49.95 will do wonders for yourself and the people of Arkansas. You will show the president that you are not prejudiced against the people of Arkansas. For $49.95 you can double the income of the average wage earner in Arkansas, and help keep families working. For $49.95 you can hire two new teachers to help move Arkansas into the 21^st century. Or your gift may be used to purchase an abacus using the latest technology to help young school children avoid the need to go barefoot when discussing higher mathematics.

Yes, $49.95 will do that for others, but what will it do for you? First, we will send you a beautiful thank you note with the president of the Arkansas Support Society making his own personal "X" in a crayon color of your choice. Next, we'll send you your own personal blindfold so that when looking at the Clinton family you can see no evil. (For an extra $10 we will send you Rose colored sun glasses!) And last, but not least, we will send you an authentic, official, facsimile copy of the official book of Arkansas. We guarantee that NONE of the pages will have been colored in.

For your premium membership of $69.95 we will include an autopen autographed copy of President Clinton's first autobiography, "I took a Village." We will make available at a substantial discount his sequels, "I took a State" and "I took a Nation." However, standards of the Arkansas Support Society do prohibit our stocking of his latest autobiography, "I took Each One, Intern." While these books were written under oath, we make no claims relating to the veracity of any statement in the book, given Mr. Clinton's past history.

Please send Cash, Checks, Stock Certificates, or Money Orders to:

Arkansas Support Society

123 Donkyhill Lane

Equus, Arkansas

If you like satire, you might enjoy Tom Lehrer

Ó 1998 by Bob James. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to distribute this article to others without charge as long as it is distributed in its entirety and this notice is attached. This article may not be distributed commercially either individually or as part of any anthology without the express written consent of the author.