September 26, 2021:
Things you would never know if you did
not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
hed21094.jpg
Hefty Hillary health nightnare, 5'5" @247 lbs (Globe); Farewell to Tony
Bennett, officially retired due to Alzheimer's (Examiner); Cher &
Val Kilmer back together after 40 years! (Examiner); Horrified scholar
finds everyone vaccinated for smallpox in 19th centurey now dead (Onion)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
J. Ewing
wrote Sun 9/19/21 @13:30 EDT:
I have made an astute
observation and an important decision:
"Everything wrong in the
world is due to Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's
swollen testicles, and I am going to start loudly
proclaiming that for all
to hear."
It's about time we put the
blame righteously upon the main cause of ever-
ything bad that is happening.
Global warming? Nicki Manaj's cousin's friend's
swollen testicles.
California's drought and
wildfires? Nicki
Manaj's cousin's friend's swol-
len testicles.
Inflation? Nicki Manaj's cousin's friend's
swollen testicles.
The Taliban now in control
of Afghanistan?
Nicki Manaj's cousin's friend's
swollen testicles.
See?...it makes perfect
sense!
It also makes life simpler.
You no longer have to think about things and you
can start enjoying life again!
Please join me in my
crusade. Spread the word!
Dumb news from Indiana:
Tested
positive, 951,308;
died, 15,377.
[courtesy
N.Y. Times]
An 84-year-old
woman riding
a bicycle in Boone County was
struck and killed by a car.
[courtesy
Columbus Republic]
holowayr.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Ronald Holoway, WM, 5'6", 125 lbs,
residential entry; Connie Woznicki, WF, 5'4", 130 lbs, theft; Bruno
Cataldo, WM, 6'1", 175 lbs, intimidation (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Tested positive, 678,902; died, 8,574.
[courtesy
N.Y. Times]
Three students
waiting for a bus in
Louisville were shot
by a drive-
by, one of them
dead.
[courtesy LEX18]
A safe was stolen from the Wingfield Baptist Church in
Edmonson
County containing membership records back to 1935.
[courtesy Edmonson News]
ryanleer.jpg
Busted in Bardstown: Ryan Lee Robertson, 34, Roanoke, Va., DUI; Wiliam
Joseph Smith, 41, Cox' Creek, burglary; Michael Austin Underwood, 52,
Buffalo, Meth; Joyce Ann Proctor, 52, Bardstown, probation violation
(felony); Larry Ray Owen, 37, Willisburg, prob. vi. (juv. offense);
Cole Jacob Chesser, 26, Williamsburg, public intox.; James Edward Peel,
30, Bardsgown, disorderly conduct (Nelson County Gazette)
Quotation of the week:
"I manufactured calendars, but my days were
numbered."
–
Richard Lederer
Birthdays:
September 20: Sofia Costanza
Brigida Villani Scicolone ("Sophia
Loren"), 87
September 21: Bill
Murray, 71
Stephen
King, 74
Bill Kurtis, 81
Leonard Cohen (1934-2016)
September
22: Joan
Jett, 63
Debby Boone, 65
Tommy Lasorda (1927-2021)
September 23: Bruce Springsteen, 72
Ray Charles (1930-2004)
September
24: "Mean" Joe Greene, 75
Gerry Marsden (of "and the
Pacemakers"), 79
Linda Eastman McCartney
(1941-1998)
Jim Henson (1936-1990)
September 25: Cheryl Tiegs, 74
Michael Douglas, 77
Ian
Tyson, 88
Barbara
Walters, 92
Ferdinand the Wise
(1712-1759)
September 26: Serena
Williams, 40
Olivia Newton-John, 73
Bobby Shantz, 96
St. Francis of Assisi (1181-1226)
Tabloid deadlines:
Melvin Van Peebles, 89
George
Holliday, 61 (of Covid-19),
filmer of the 1991 Rodney King beating
chadchri.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Chad Christopher
Warren, WM, 37, 6'1", 220 lbs, ag. domestic battery; Kristian Nichole
Holland, BF, 29, 5'7", 200 lbs (Yorkshire hog), aggravated assault;
Arrested ihn Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Iziah Jo Velasquez, HM (sic);
25, 5'8", 160 lbs, sexual assault of child, solicitat. on line; Robby
Lee Link, WM, 205 lbs, ag. assault (Sedgwick County (Kans.) Sheriff,
Abilene Crime Stoppers)
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
8D:
"Misdeeds that are hard to overlook":
Answer:
ENORMITIES (MORTAL SINS would
have fit, and the eighth and tenth letters
would have
been correct).
[New Yorker 9/20/21]
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Britney Spears was back on Instantspam
Instagram..
. . The Dutch were
shrinking.
. . . The
Pope was confused by Cardinals resisting the Covid-
19 vaccine. . . . Rapper Nicki
Minaj tweeted that the vaccine had given
her cousin's friend in Trinidad swollen testicles and rendered
him impo-
tent. . . . Philip Morris bought a company that
manufactures asthma in-
halers. . . . Statisticians
reported that the Dutch are still the world's tall-
est people but that they are shrinking.
. . . More Alabamans
died last
year than were born. . . . Minneapolis Police
recommended "Not-Reach-
ing
Pouches" to store drivers licenses and registration
papers "in plain
sight" to prevent officers'
shooting unarmed motorists. . . . The Afghan
girls' soccer team received asylum
in Portugal. . . . A couple were kick-
ed out of a bar in Rowlett, Texas, for refusing to remove face
masks. . . .
Uma
Thurman revealed a teen-age abortion in defiance of
Texas' new
law. . . . The Massachusett American Indian Tribe called on
Boston U-
niversity to rename Myles
Standish Hall, in memory of the Pilgrim mil-
itary leader, Wituwamat Memorial Hall after a leading
Indian massa-
cred with other tribe members in 1623.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
efrencad.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green Coounty, Texas, Sheriff):
Efren Cadena, 38, tres.; Stephanie Howe, 45, Cr. trespass; Jessica
Slough, 32, ctl. subst.;Stephanie Dotson, 36, mob.; Felecia Scott, 29,
crim. tresp.; Caitlyn Nelson, 3i0, speeding; Mira Torres, 34, theft;
Hilario Holguin, 49, c.s.
Dear Eleanor:
I was deeply
hurt at a barbecue at my older daughter's. It was to
celebrate her daughter's fourth birthday. Her
husband, from Thai-
land,
barbecued shrimp and something that looked like
a giant
crawfish. My daughter is accustomed to this;
but she and her hus-
band are aware
that her sister,
her niece, my husband and I are not.
When I asked
her if there were any hot dogs they could grill, she
got angry and said she eats what her husband cooks.
I felt our part
of the family
was not even being considered. I was hurt
for my
younger daughter and her
daughter, who had literally nothing to
eat they would
like. Am I wrong for feeling ignored being invited
to a barbecue
where my daughter knew all the food being offered
were things we
wouldn't like?
Ruined
My Appetite
Dear
Appetidighty:
Chill out! Next
time you go to your older daughter's for lunch,
stop for a Wendy's
carry-out on the way.
Unopened e-mail last week included a message from from "Clutterbook"
"Facebook"
titled "You have 35 notifications about
NicHur and others."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include the voice of Gabby
Petito.
lifespid.jpg If a spider wore pants, would it wear them like this? Like this? Or like this? Life Saver DudeL Like dat?
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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
September 19, 2021:
Things you would never know if you did
not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
hed21093.jpg
Biden's secret breakdown, laughing fits, bizarre behavior (Enqirer);
Dad's tell-all, Britney sick & dangerous (Star); Why Kim can't
break free (trapped in Kanye's hell), he says $2 billion divorce is
off; she says no; demanded she wear wedding dress to party (US); Harry
& Meghan sued by the Queen, $30 million in damages claimed (IT);
Hitchcock blondes cursed, death, disease, accidents, mental breakdowns,
Grace Kelly, Eva Marie Saint, Kim Novak, Tippi Hedren (Examiner)
Dumb
news from Indiana:
Tested
positive, 929,986; died, 15,083.
[courtesy
N.Y. Times]
South
Bend's most wanted: Talen Barkley, WM, 5'7", 150 lbs, burglary; Mary
Church, WF, 5'1", 150 lbs, meth; Duane Herron, BM, 5'8", 150 lbs, meth,
paraphernalia, trespass; Michael Johnson, WM, 5'8", 175 lbs, narcs
(Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Tested positive, 653,942; died,
8,331.
[courtesy
N.Y. Times]
A Louisville
nurse lost her court
case to force a
hospital to treat her
Covid-19-infected
husband with ivermectin.
. . .
Pupils at a middle
school in Boone County were
dressing like dogs
(in collars
and leather straps
with spikes) and barking at each
oth-
er in a
movement school
officials blamed on Tik-Tok.
[courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
stevealf.jpg
Busted in Bardstown: Steven Earl Alford, 48, Roundhill, fail. to ap.;
Franklin Roosevelt Sanger, 37, contempt; Charles Dale Harris, 31,
Bardstown, criminal trespass; Leanna Marie Lucas, 35, Boston, prob.
viol.; Cameron Michael Bailey, 33, Bardstown, domestic assault; Kevin
Austin Grant, 33, E-town, f.t.a. (Nelson County Gazette)
Quotations of the week:
"Mr. Nice Guy is not a really good person."
– Xi
Jinping
"My grandmother is
over 80 and still does not need glasses:
She
drinks right out of the bottle."
– Henny
Youngman
"My grandmother began
walking five miles a day when she was 82,
and now we
don't know where the hell she is."
– Ellen
DeGeneres
"I have only one grandfather
left; we call him 'Grandpa
Alive.' He still beats me at
checkers, but I kick
his ass at karate."
– Dave Attell
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):
"I'm back.
I'm self-centered, self-indulgent, self-seeking and
self-loathing – but I'm a
good catch, ladies."
– Leonard Simon
|
 |
Birthdays:
September 13: Dupey Dumpy, 75
Jacqueline Bisset, 77
David Clayton-Thomas, 80
Barbara
Bain, 90
September 14: Joey
Heatherton, 77
Amy
Winehouse
(1983-2011)
September
15: Henry
Charles Albert
David
Mountbatten-Windsor
("Prince
Harry"), 37
Dina Lohan, 59
Dan Marino, 60
Tommy
Lee Jones, 75
Oliver
Stone, 75
Marco Polo (1254-1324)
September 16: Amy Poehler, 49
Rosemary
Casals, 73
Elgin
Baylor, 87
September 17: David Souter, 82
Hank Williams (1923-1953)
September 18: Lance Armstrong, 50
Otis Sistrunk, 75
Frankie
Avalon, 81
Jimmie
Rodgers (not that Jimmie
Rodgers), (1933-2021)
September 19: Leslie Hornby
("Twiggy Lawson"), 72
Dave
Bromberg, 76
Sylvia
Fricker, 81
Tabloid deadlines:
Jane Powell, 92
Frreddie
Combs, 49
Crossword puzzle clue of the week: 93A: "Called from the
rear"
Answer:
BUTTDIALED [L.A. Times 9/13/21]
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Squaw Valley Ski Resort changed its name to Palisades Tahoe. . . .
Colorado
right-wing radio host Bob
Enyart, who
railed against
vaccines and face masks, died of Covid-19. . . . Taco
Bell asked
customers to send sauce packets back
for recycling. . . . Congress-
woman Eleanor Holmes Norton denied siccing
six zebras on Wash-
ington, D.C., suburbs. . . . Windstream's list of 24 charming Ameri-
can small towns included none from Kentucky or Indiana (not even
Bardstown).
[courtesy
Harper's, LEX18, AP]
joshaarn.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls,Texas): Joshua Aaron
White, WM, 42, 6', 200 lbs, tattoo on left arm, stalking, breach of
privacy, disseminating sexual media of person; Tyshawn James Bowen, BM,
35, 5'7", 170 lbs, tattoos on head, neck, arms & back, burglary
& theft; Aubrianna Nichole Collins, BF, 25, 5'6", 183 lbs
(Yorkshire hog), aggr. human trafficking; Juan Ortiz, WM, 28, 5'9", 160
lbs, domestic battery; Willie Darrell Abercrombie, BM, 334, 5'10", 192
lbs, tattoos left arm, nexk, rape (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
Dear Eleanor:
My husband and
I (both white men) decided to become
foster parents
several years ago, with a goal of adopting.
We took the classes, and
the first placement came to us
in September 2020, during the
pandemic. In my estima-
tion we have
done an excellent job with the day-to-day,
but something has come up.
I'll try to be brief.
The agency has decided that the extended family of the
two children (siblings, with both parents
incarcerated for
"drug related"
crimes) is ill-equipped to care for them de-
spite owning a home, having a
stable income and already
having raised two children.
We have been asked to step
in with a full
adoption. My husband wants to do this as he
has always wanted children, and
these two are pretty awe-
some. I'm hung up on a
number of things that can be boil-
ed down to, I
feel like we are stealing someone else’s kids.
We don't know
(and the agency won't say) exactly why the
parents are incarcerated, and we
don't know why the exten-
ded family has been ruled out.
This seems
insane to me. What if the parents are in jail for
"possession,"
or some other goofy crime that God knows I
have committed 8,000 times
myself? What if the extended
family is perfectly fine but has
been precluded due to some
bureaucratic nonsense issue like
lack of paperwork? We live
in a large urban area; and the
foster system is known, accord-
ing to
itself, for its diligence; but this still feels
icky. Both
our families are pro-adoption, and
I'm the only one raising
red
flags. They think I'm not "fully
committed." But I can
tell you I've been agonizing over this
and can't get past the
lack of data we have on how the kids have come to
this point.
They are
Latinx kids caught up in foster care and the carceral
state.
Am I overthinking this? What should I do?
Kidnapper
Dear Kiddo:
What a relief it is to hear that you and your
"husband" are
two white men! If you were two nigger women,
there would
be no
questions.
By the way, what is "Latinx"? And, for
that matter, what is
"carceral"?
Look,
Ma! I found it on Google!
So,
what's wrong with "Latin"? Or, "Hispanic"?
Or, "Spic"?
I
found "carceral," too, but only on
line, not in a real diction-
ary.
Seems to mean "relating to jail or prison." What's wrong
with
"incarcerational"? In the dictionaries there's nothing be-
tween
"carcass" and "carcinogen."
Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Clutterbook"
"Facebook"
titled "Hank, you have 20 new messages and
14 friend requests."
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Alex
Murdaugh.
lifeturn.jpg
Brownsville Auto Parts: We turn rotors Life Saver Dude: There's a
mortuary up the street with a sign 'We rotate Turners"
HOW TO
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THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
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exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
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redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
September 12, 2021:
Things you would never know if you did
not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
hed29012.jpg
Afgthanistan falls & Taliban wins, Biden's Vietnam (Enquirer);
After 40 years Lindsay Wagner breaks silence, bionic woman's secrets
& scandals, truth about her romance w/$6 million man (Examiner);
Kristin Smart missing since 1996, Scott Peterson guilty of another
murder (IT); Texas GOP backs drress code for woman (Borwitz); Bounty
hunter tears into Houston on motorcycle wearing pregnancy test
bandolier (Onion)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Fred Dean wrote Sun 9/5/21
@16:01 PDT:
Just
noticed this in the list of birthdays: "September 4:
Gene
Parsons, 77." That's about the right age for
my
fellow Flying Burrito Bros drummer and C&W mentor
back in the 60's.
Same guy.
Earlier with the Byrds. No apparent relation to
Gram Parsons (d. 1973), also of the Byrds and then the Bur-
ritos, and patron of Emmylou
Harris. – Editor
Dumb news from Indiana:
Tested
positive, 903,219;
died, 14,783.
[courtesy
N.Y. Times]
jaylengr.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Jaylen Green, BM, 5'10", 150 lbs, neglect of
dependent w/serious injury; Ikea Richter , WF, 4'9",125 lbs, meth,
paraph.; Tyson Love, 6', 150 lbs., dom. strangle (Michiana Crime
Stoppers Inc.)
Tested positive, 623,804;
died, 8,072.
[courtesy
N.Y. Times]
A man had to
wait nine hours to be
seen in the emergency
room at
St. Joseph's Hospital
in Lexington.
[courtesy LEX18]
Lexington's most wanted: Robert Patton, BM, 32, 6'2", 200 lbs, assault (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
Quotations of the week:
"Only God will oust me."
– Jair Bolsonaro,
President of Brazil
"I acquired a doughnut shop, but I
soon got tired of the hole business."
– Richard Lederer
mikaelco.jpg
Arrested in Abilene (Texas not Kansas) (courtersy Abilene Crime
Stoppers): Micakel Colton Giddings, WM, 28, 6'4", 230 lbs, controlled
substs., forgery; Johnny Dwight Houston, BM, 35, 6'1", 185 lbs, sexual
perform. by child; Hunter Dakota Kennedy, WM, 29, 6', 180 lbs, robbery;
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Bennie Cornelius
Bell III, BM, 29, 155 lbs, tattoos on both arms and shoulders,
probation violation (choking in rude manner) (Sedgwick County (Kans.)
Sheriff)
Birthdays:
September 6: Christopher Christie, 59
Carly Fiorina, 67
Jane Curtin, 74
September 7: Molly Holly, 44
Julie
Kavner, 71
Sonny Rollins, 91
Charles
"Buddy" Holly (1936-1959)
Queen
Elizabeth I (1533-1603)
September
8: Alecia Beth Moore
("Pink"), 42
Bernie
Sanders, 80
Christoph
von Dohnányi,
92
Patsy
Cline (1932-1963)
Richard
the Lion Hearted (1157-1199)
September
9: Michael Bublé, 46
Kentucky Colonel Harland Sanders (1890-1980)
September 10: Margaret Trudeau, 73
José Feliciano, 76
Roger Maris (1934-1985)
Arnold Palmer (1929-2016)
Ted Kluszewski (1924-1988)
Rin Tin Tin (1918-1932)
September 11:
Harry Connick Jr., 54
Bashar Al-Assad, 56
Leo
Kottke, 76
Dylan Klebold (1981-1999)
September 12: Jennifer
Nettles, 47
Leonard Peltier, 77
Maria Muldaur, 78
Tabloid deadlines:
Willard Scott, 87
Crossword puzzle clues of the week:
108A: Yankee quipper
Answer: BERRA
52D: Private dining
room
Answer: MESS
[l.A.
Times 9/5/21]
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A cow
in St. Bernard Parish, Louisiana, was rescued from a tree into
which
it had been wedged by Hurricane Ida. . . . Big cats and
primates at the Jack-
sonville, Florida, Zoo were scheduled for Covid-19
vaccination. . . . China
banned effeminate
men on TV. . . . A Dairy Queen customer in British Co-
lumbia urinated
on the counter after being told to wear a mask. . . . A
judge
in Leicester, England, sentenced a 21-year-old white
supremacist to read
novels by Thomas Hardy, Charles Dickens, Jane Austen and
Anthony Trol-
lope.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
steeldam.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Adam
Steele, 41, fam. ass.; Megan Manship, 31,paraphern.; Ashley Nelson, 28,
c.s.; Mariah Johnson, 30, drunk; Melodie Woodlock, 34, para.; Jalisa
Serenil, 30, DUI; Gabrianna Dominguez, 27, trespass; Humberto Morales,
39, DWOL
Dear Eleanor:
My
husband wants me to dress up for sex – as
a woman
we both know. He wants to call me
her name and for me to wear a particular kind
of clothing she
wears. It's kind of gross. What
do I do?
Life
Dear
Wifie:
That's easy. Just get the bitch to
sub for you. And
find a secure hiding place in the room from which
you can watch.
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested
in intellectual dissection of import-
ant current events are invited to at-
tend the Weekly World News Round
Table at the offices of Borf Books
outside Brownsville, Kentucky, just
after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers lined up for meetings in the
near future include Leylah
Fernandez.
|
 
|
Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Clutterbook"
"Facebook"
titled "You have 34 notifications about
Jose and others."
lifesaxx.jpg VAXXED WAXED AND READY TO CLIMAX Life Saver Dude: How 'bout SAXED? this needs a li'l' jazz
HOW TO
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Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
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just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
September 5, 2021:
Things you would never know if you did
not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
hed21091.jpg
Biden-Obama feud explodes! (Globe); Bin Laden laundry led CIA to lair
(Globe); What government isn't telling us, COVID cover-up exposed,
'doomsday'variant, drastic side effects, China's attack on U.S.
(Enquirer) , It's official, Kate pregnant agains at 39! 'I think we're
done' - William (In Touch); Five months after Philip's death, Widow
Queen's brave life alone (Examiner); hed210912.jpg How Elizabeth, 95,
finds strength to carry on, secretways she shows her grief (Examiner);
Furious J-Lo's revenge, used for money and fame, fooled by A-Rod for 4
years (OK)
Dumb news from
Indiana:
Tested
positive, 876,850; died, 14,570.
[courtesy N.Y. Times]
State Health
Commissioner Kristina Box caught flak for a pho-
to showing her attending a wedding without a face
mask on.
[courtesy
Columbus Republic]
quintarr.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Quintarrius Carter, BM, 5'10", 190
lbs,handgun w/o lic.,mj; Mari Gochenour, WF, 5'7", 150 lbs, meth;
Michael McLean, WM, 6', 170 lbs, habitual traffic offender driving;
Glenda Nelson, BF, 5'6", 155 lbs, battery w/deadly weap.; Jeffery
Ampey, WM, 6'1", 245 lbs, meth; Kenneth Henderson, BM, 6'3", 210 lbs,
criminal trespass; Jerome White, BM, 5'11", 250 lbs, fraud (Michiana
Crime Stoppers Inc.)
Tested positive, 595,200; died, 7,907.
[courtesy
N.Y. Times]
ivyjosph.jpg
Lexington's most wanted: Joseph Ivy, BM, 53, 6'1", 300 lbs, supervised
release violation (feds) (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
Indiana ranked 37th,
Kentucky, 45th,
in a moneywise.com listing of brainiest states,
in order (Mississippi
edged out West
By God Virginia
for last).
Quotations of the week:
"I was
hired as a bake,; but I turned out to be a loafer and
couldn't
make enough dough."
– Richard Lederer
Birthdays:
August 30: R. Crumb, 78
Warren
Buffett, 91
Vic Seixas, 98
Tug McGraw (1944-2004)
August 31: Richard Gere, 72
Van Morrison, 76
September 1: Barry Gibb, 75
Leonard Slatkin, 77
Lily Tomlin, 82
Harold Jenkins ("Conway
Twitty," 1933-1993)
September 2: Salma
Hayek, 55
Jimmy Connors,
69
Terry Bradshaw,
73
Jimmy
Clanton, 83
September 3: Charlie
Sheen, 56
Valerie
Perrine, 78
Mort Walker
(1923-2018)
September 4:
Beyondsay, 40
Tom Watson, 72
Gene Parsons, 77
Mitzi Gaynor, 90
September 5: Dweezil
Zappa, 52
Loudon Wainwright III, 75
Al Stewart, 76
Raquel Welch, 81
Bill Mazeroski, 85
Bob Newhart, 92
Tabloid deadlines:
Mikis Theodorakis, 96
Ed Asner, 91
Lee "Scratch" Perry, 85
Robert J. Shufelt Jr.,
74
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
15-D: What a visitor
might turn into [answer]
kesterbt.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Nathanial Kester,
WM, 34, 5'9", 200 lbs, aggr. battery; Austin Buttel, WM, 28, 6', 160
lbs, parole viol. (aggr. domestic bat.) (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
China prohibited children's playing video
games on school nights. . . .
Hurricane Ida made the Mississippi
River flow backward. . . . A Free-
dom of Inforamtion Act post showing that
"Major" Biden had bitten
more Secret Service agents than previously
disclosed proved him to
be the second
German shepherd named "Major"
removed from the
White House, after President Franklin D. Roosevelt's "Major"
bit Ram-
say MacDonald, British Prime Minister, and Hattie Wyatt
Caraway, the
frist woman elected to the United States Senate. . .
. President Andres
Manuel Lopezo Obrador of Mexico apologized for
the 1521 Spanish
conquest of the Aztecs.
. . . "Fuck" surpassed "bloody" as the most pop-
ular epithet
in England. . . . A pastor buried alive in Zambia failed
to re-
vive after three days as Jesus did. . . . A self-driving
bus in Tokyo ran
o-
ver a visually impaired athlete. . . . Harvard University
hired an
atheist
for its new chaplain. . . . The
30-year-old son of a band member sued
Kurt Cobain's estate and the rest of the band for
Nirvana's nude portrait
of him on the 1990 album Nevermind.
[courtesy
Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Dear Eleanor:
Six months ago I married
"Jodi." We're both previously
divorced. I assumed Jodi would take my
name,but I was
mistaken. So even though she is my wife
now, she goes
by "Mrs. Ex-Husband."
I admit I did not discuss this with her prior
to our mar-
riage, but I find it embarrassing and
hurtful. If she had
wanted to retain her maiden name, I would be
fine with
that. If she had young children, I could
understand; but
there are no children.
Jodi says she likes the sound of the name and
it's a lot of
trouble to change it. She insists it's no
big deal. But I am
starting to question her commitment to this
marriage. She
has commented more than once that she
made a mistake
leaving her previous marriage and has deep
regrets.
Am I wrong to feel hurt?
Mr.
Nameless
Dear
Namely:
Let's see: Just
what is Mrs. Ex's
name? Vanderbilt?
And what's yours?
Kermudgeon? It could
make a
difference. I need more
information.
Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Clutterbook"
"Facebook"
titled
"Jagdish Soni is a new friend suggestion for you."
Answer
to crossword puzzle clue of the week:
DRIVEWAY
[New
Yorker 8/30/21]
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget!
Readers interested in intellectu-
al dissection of important current events are invi-
ted to attend the Weekly World News Round Ta-
ble at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every
Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near
future include Leila
Fadel.
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"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
