HEADLINES!
Sporting newspaper headlines that never were.
Ex-Boro legend appears on Ready, Steady Cook
Slaven over a hot stove
Man United defender given shiner in training ground punch up
Jaaps eye sore
Gangster threatens to report Leeds star to police
I'll finger Haaland
Ipswich legend stamps on injured Newcastle star
Wark-ing on broken Glass
Leicester star in constipation crisis
Mustapha shit
Gazza and Stampy enjoy a fag as Boro youngster loses key
Lock, Stockdale and two smoking barrels
Derby keeper suffers heart attack after seeing beautiful woman while driving his car
"Zoom, just one look and my heart went": Poom
World Cup squad in poofy dance warm up
Spain do ballet
Spanish midfielder in hairpiece claim
Syrup of Figo?
Sunderland FC have night out at seaside with prostitutes while their key striker quits booze
You can take whores to water, but you can't make Quinn drink
Southampton striker in rent boy shock
Which came first, the chicken or the Egil?
Leeds midfielder finds a shit on the beach during Boxing Day dip
Kewell tide log
Liverpool midfielder meets his American TV motorcycle cop idol
Berger and chips
Duncan Forest winger misses out on chance of dating supermodel
Rolling Stone gathers no Moss
Leeds striker is charged for excess overdraft
Jimmy Floyd hassle Bank
Wimbledon striker does good turn for kids by playing his wind instrument for them
Kind Hartson clarinets
Ex Boro keeper in transvestite shock
Miller's crossing
Ex Boro midfielder painfully bites tricky Irish Boro winger
Ooh Aah, just a Liddle bit Moore
Streaker throws herself at Arsenal manager
Tits 'n' Arsne
Seventies Boro star claims he owns North East river
Foggon: "the Tyne is all mine, all mine"
Veteran French striker buys new briefcase
Papin's got a brand new bag
Spurs winger drops bombshell about his sexuality
Ginola gay
Tottenham striker visits doctor with stress and depression
Les miserable!
Spurs goalie buys pet snake
Asp and Baardson
Veteran Wolves striker spotted in Collectables
Bull in a china shop
Tottenham goalie in pub ban
You're Baardson
Justin Fashanu died owing banks
Homo loan
Fashanu in second money scandal
Homo loan 2
Arsenal striker in excavation order
Kanu dig it!
Arsenal strikers snake dies during Latin lesson
Louis Boa's Morte
Arsenal striker aims to become an official upon retirement
The referees n'Wanko
Woman shouts warning to Norway star during pub glass brawl
Eggen your face
Former Sheffield United manager injured by electronic game
Nigel's Pacman breaks leg
Man United winger to appear on "15 to 1"
Jesper Blom quizzed
Liverpool manager spotted in glass shop
Houlier in glaziers
Boro goalie in £1000 lottery win
Marlon Grando
Boro defender in foot/leg injury shocker
Toe knee Curtis
Ipswich legend in suicide bid
Wark off life
Ipswich winger pulls drowning man from river
Petta rescue
Ipswich wingers family in lottery win fest
Pettas win prizes
Tony Adams in meal with prostitutes
Donkey Ho tea