LOTTERY LINE-UP

According to sources close the club, Robson is using advanced methods of picking his formation for Premier league matches. He puts four numbered balls in a bag and picks them out at random. The numbers then form the basis of his formation. To stop him getting ridiculous results he only puts the numbers 1, 5, 3 and 2 in the bag. Allegedly, Mark Schwarzer had to intervene to stop him play five goalkeepers last Saturday.

 

STRIKE A LIGHT

"Hands off our top strikers!" That was the message from Boro manager Brain Robson today. Robbo's outburst is thought to have been an attempt to warn off scouts who have been hovering around the Super-Dooper BT Cellulite Stadium like vultures around a stricken beast. And who can blame them? Boro's deadly marksmen have amassed almost fifteen goals between them this season and with the spectre of relegation again haunting the team the prospect snatching one of Boro's hit-men could be interesting many clubs.

Speaking from Boro's state-of-the-art training ground, The King's Head in Hurworth, Robson said "There's no way I would let any of these lads go. At this stage of the season I'd struggle to get a replacement of the quality I've got here. I'd be mental to let them go!" The news is thought to have put off several potential bids from some of Europe's top clubs, known to include Lazio, Barcelona and Rochdale.

 

Robbo's determined stand is said to have delighted worried fans. Supporters Club spokesman Piemon Bloater said "If any of our strikers were allowed to leave there could easily be a goal drought." Robson went on to back forward Hamilton Ricard to soon score his first goal since early December 1999.

 

Ricard: He shoots, he …. Aaaah!

 

 

GIZZA GAZZA

Middlesbrough boss Brain Robson is urging Paul Gascoigne to get to full fitness to help his team to stave off relegation. Gazza has been plagued by injuries since his move to the Riverside and Robbo believes that Boro fans have still to see the best of the midfield maestro. Speaking exclusively to BADN, Robbo urged Boro fans to be patient with Gazza. "He's only been here two years, you can't rush these things." Explained Robson, adding "I'd love to see Gazza being an influence in the side again  - instead of being under the influence, the fat lazy bastard."

 

Delighted Gazza receives sick note extension

 

THE MISSING LINK?

Brain Robson today defended the actions of long term absentee Paul Gascoigne. This followed strong criticism when the midfielder, supposedly suffering from a virus, was spotted at the recent Mike Tyson fight in Manchester on the evening of Boro's game with Manchester United. Fans who had heard that Gazza was too ill to train with the first team squad were said to be astonished that he was able to attend the fight. Robson explained "Gazza heard that it was a heavyweight contest and quite naturally thought it must be something to do with him."

"It's a mistake anybody could make." Added Phil Stamp who was also rumoured to be ring side that evening.