Here are some actual label instructions on   consumer goods:   Thanks Lorna for sending me these! 

• On Sears hairdryer:   Do not use while sleeping.      (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)     
  
  
  
• On a bag of Fritos:      You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary. Details inside.   (The shoplifter special!)     
  
  
  
• On a bar of Dial soap:      Directions: Use like regular soap.      (and that would be how?)     
  
  
  
• On some Swan frozen dinners:   Serving suggestion: Defrost   (But it's just a suggestion!)     
  
  
  
• On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:   Fits one head.      (Huh??)     
  
  
  
• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom   of the box) Do not turn upside down.      (Too late! You lose! I love it...Food to piss you off!)      
  
  
  
•   On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:   Product will be hot after heating.   (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)     
  
  
  
• On packaging for a Rowenta iron:   Do not iron clothes on body.   (But wouldn't that save more time?)   (Whose body?)     
  
  
  
• On Boot's Children's cough medicine:   Do not drive car or operate machinery.      (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we   just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)     
  
  
  
• On Nytol sleep aid:      Warning: may cause drowsiness.      (One would hope!)     
  
  
  
• On a Korean kitchen knife:   Warning keep out of children.   (Or pets!)     
  
  
  
• On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:   For indoor or outdoor use only.      (As opposed to use in outer space.)   (Or underground.)     
  
  
  
• On a Japanese food processor:   Not to be used for the other use.   (Now I'm curious.)     
  
  
  
• On Sainsbury's peanuts:      Warning: contains nuts.     
  
  
  
• On an American Airlines packet of nuts:      Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.     
  
  
  
• On a Swedish chainsaw:      Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.   (What is this, a home castration kit?)     
  
  
  
• On a childs superman costume:      Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.   (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
  
  
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