If this thing is going to work, and I for one am pulling for it, things are going to have to be different. Not different than they have been for us, certainly – Because at the very least I hope we can agree that you and I are not yet an us (that being my sincere goal notwithstanding) – different from the way things have been for me and, I suspect, for you.

We’re not kids anymore so lets be adult about his. The countless past couplings (and perhaps I am getting ahead of myself here, but I believe they should remain countless) that have propelled you and me into each other’s arms have taught us both, individually, that love, alas, does not conquer all. And that for these things to work, there have to be rules.

1. This is my apartment.
2. As the result of years of painstaking trial and error, the television, stereo, thermostat, refrigerator, toaster, and furniture in this apartment are all set at their optimal levels in every regard. Any attempt to adjust them will only.

1. result in their having to be reset and
2. Introduce passive aggressiveness into the relationship, which, as any book on the subject will tell you, is bad.

1. In the near closet, and this is very important, are my clothes. No clothes that are not these clothes, or

1. reside in this closet for a while, leading to the impression that they are actively participating in my wardrobe, but
2. in fact will be there for display purposes only, and
3. all non-me apparel, regardless of its source, will eventually end up in that closet way over there, where, if you see anything you like, help yourself.

1. I have achieved a satisfying equilibrium between my desire for order and the lure of chaos. Please do not upset it (cf.2b, above)
2. I cannot accept responsibility for items of clothing or other personal objects left in the apartment, nor can I vouch for the provenance of any vesture or garniture you discover that proves to be neither yours nor mine.
3. My lease forbids me to make an extra set of keys.

1. I have worn my hair long, short, left, right, straight back, and spiked. The particular style you see now is, unfortunately, the only one that works. Previous hair experiments by otherwise well –meaning individuals have ended in tears.
2. I am ten pounds overweight. When I raise this issue, typically in the mornings or right before desert, you should

1. be aware that there is no correct response and
2. quietly go about your business

1. Do not touch me here, here, or here, even in jest.

1. Your hair is perfect. There is no need for you to ever do anything interesting to it.
2. However it is that you smell that way it is in your best interests to do so. Sudden shifts in the olfactory landscape disconcert me.
3. If I should come to love you (cf. US: 3a). I will of course love you at any size. Yet I cannot love and respect someone whom, by all appearances, does not not love and respect herself. Accordingly,

1. Do you really want to eat that?

1. Even as an us, it is important that you and I remain you and I. This is particularly important with regard to our respective domiciles (cf. My Apartment); I suggest therefore, that you and I endeavor to maintain the roles of host and visitor in each other’s residences at all times, even while presenting an us persona to the public. To wit:

1. The host shall be responsible for maintaining an adequate supply of beverages and snacks, in accordance with known preferences of the visitor, such beverages and snacks to be offered and served by the host in the traditional manner;
2. In order to prevent a de facto living – together situation,

1. The visitor shall not stay overnight in the host’s residence more than three (3) days in a row, nor more than four (4) days in any one seven – day period, barring an emergency at the visitor’s residence, including but not limited to fire, painters, plumbers, an especially heinous crime within a two block area, or mice, in which case the maximum stay shall be extended to not more than six (6) days;
2. Combined overnight visits in either residence shall not exceed five (5) in any one week, nor fifteen (15) in any calendar month; and,
3. At the end of an evening in which an overnight stay is anticipated, that evening’s prospective visitor shall not suggest to the host that they go "home," nor use similar locution;

1. in the event that a misunderstanding, altercation, or mood makes an anticipated overnight stay suddenly ill-advised,

1. the visitor, and not the host, will implicitly acknowledge this fact by announcing, "well, I’ve got to be going" in a cheerful, non recriminating manner, while
2. at no time will the host question the visitor’s motivation for leaving, nor use force to prevent his exit, or to hasten it.

1. Intimacy will become all but inevitable over time; however, please note,

1. it should not be confused with love and
2. may involve the release of emotional, historical, or medical information that is private and privileged and should not be divulged

1. to "best" friends over lunch or
2. during family or police interrogations or
3. before gatherings in bars or at parties, even if said information is presented in a jocular fashion that "nobody took seriously."

1. Love is a funny thing. But, the futility of love in a loveless world notwithstanding,

1. should I come to love you (keep those fingers crossed), you will be informed

1. first in writing, most likely in the closing of a letter or card, or perhaps on a balloon, and then,
2. orally, at some later date,
3. both these conditions being necessary to constitute a lasting and abiding love.

1. Should you come to love me before I am able to make a co-declaration of same, you should

1. exercise restraint in your declarations, as
2. more than three (3) unreciprocated declarations of love within a forty – eight – hour period shall be considered harassment.

1. Any declaration of love shall be considered in effect and at full strength unless and until it is rescinded explicitly.
2. Any repeated request for a redundant declaration of love, if granted, shall not then be vitiated on the grounds it was coerced.

1. Previous relationships will inevitably show up at parties, funerals, and other social occasions. Should this occur, all I ask is

1. three-by-five-inch card. Spelling out in clear block letters

1. his occupation and estimated salary,
2. a general description of his looks and size,
3. the beginning and end dates of the relationship,
4. any emotional or sexual "firsts,"
5. reason for dissolution, and
6. whether you ever really loved him,

1. such information provided with sufficient time for me to excuse myself from the proceeding with cause, and without causing a scene.
2. Likewise, and happily, I will supply you with comparable information, should you request it in writing, and provided, in my sole estimation, you can handle it.

1. I have been hurt; you have been hurt. I do not wish to hurt you. I trust you do not want to hurt me. None of this should be forgotten should any future hurt occur.

9:00am Awake, snooze, spoon.

9:15-10:30 Breakfast.

1. Coffee

1. Half and half should be available; low-fat or skim will be considered a violation of the spirit of Me:2b No flavored blends, please.

1. Bagels (host fetches), cream cheese, butter, et cetera.
2. Fruit (in season)

9:30-12:30 Sunday Plain Dealer.

1. In five piles; Unread, You’ve Read, I’ve Read, Both Read, Coupons.
2. No reading aloud.

12:30 Sex, showering, as mood permits.

1. Preexisting cat(s, up to two) will be tolerated, provided you do not insist they become an active third party in the relationship. Should you not now have such a cat but consider acquiring one in the future, I would appreciate:

1. the right to peremptorily challenge up to three prospective names; and
2. verbal assurances that said creature will be nurtured from a pool of affection and attention created especially for it, and not from other sources.

1. Absolutely no dog sharing.
2. One night four to six months from now, we may go out to eat, see a movie, come back to my apartment, make love, watch TV, go to bed and you will awake in the middle of the night to find me weeping.

1. It will be nothing
2. Ignore it and go back to sleep.

Before you say anything: Don’t say anything. I know what you’re going to say, and I agree: It would be so nice if we were young and unbruised again and could rush in like fools where, as adults, we know better than to tread. This is not to say I am not all for this. I just think that if you and I must dance once again into that dark warm room filled with spiders, we ought to step carefully.