1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you
saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are not handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - Do not push on the top of my
head.  Last I heard, deep throat had been done.
And additionally,do you really want puke on your dick?

7. I don't care how relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "HummerWeek"
- get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit
so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you
just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to rule #8 - "Blue Balls" might have
worked on high school girls -if you're that desperate,
go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my
teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games,
smoke a cigarette, watch TV…etc… immediately afterwards
is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior repeated
in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate
about the origins of our talent.  Just enjoy the moment and be happy
that we're good at it.  See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good.  And I don't care about
the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a
cigarette, drink, etc…

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they
don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut.  It is
inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not
mean I have to "kiss it good morning".