MEN! WE'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER













WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN!!!

- "I'M GOING FISHING."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

- "IT'S A GUY THING."
Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

- "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

- "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," or "YES, DEAR."
Really means.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

- "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works."

- "WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE."
Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

- "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

- "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Really means.... "Are you still talking?"

IT'S A REALLY GOOD MOVIE."
Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

- "THAT'S WOMEN'S WORK."
Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

- "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

- "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

- "OH.DON'T FUSS. I JUST CT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

- "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

- "I CAN'T FIND IT."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

- "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

- "I HEARD YOU."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

- "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LVE ANYONE ELSE."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

- "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.

- "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

- "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."





REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY!

*Phone conversations last 30 seconds
*You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
*A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
*Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
*You can open all your own jars
*Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
*Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind
*When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
*You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
*You can go to the bathroom alone
*Your last name stays put
*You can leave a motel room bed unmade
*You can kill your own food
*The garage is all yours
*You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
*You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
*You never have to clean the toilet
*You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
*Wedding plans take care of themselves
*If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
*Your underwear cost $7.50 for a pack of 3
*None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
*You don't have to shave below your neck
*You don't have to curl up next to some big , hairy guy every night
*If your 34 and single, no one notices
*Chocolate is just another snack
*You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
*Flowers fix everything
*You never have to worry about other's feelings
*Three pair of shoes are more than enough
*You can say anything and not worry about what people think
*Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe
*You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
*Car mechanics tell you the truth
*You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
*You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "he must be mad at me."
*One mood, all the time
*You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
*Same work.......more pay
*Gray hair and wrinkles add character
*Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks
*You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
*You don't pass on the desert and then mooch off someone else's
*If you retain water, it is in a canteen
*The remote is yours and yours alone
*You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
*If you don't call your buddy when you said you would he won't tell your friends you've changed
*If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
*The occasional well -rendered belch is practically expected
*You think the idea of punting that small , ankle-biting dog is funny
*If something mechanical didn't work , you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
*New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
*You don't have to remember everyone's birthday and anniversary



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