Last Call Girl
By Laura and Caroline at Coolcici13@aol.com
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
We were getting a little bored by writing the same old, serious plot
fanfiction. And we're sure you guys are tired of reading them! So we put
together this parody of the show with a little help from our friends. Thanks
again, Erin! Please let us know what you think!
KEEP IN MIND THAT THIS IS A JOKE!! It's written tongue in cheek and we're
sorry if you're offended.
ACT 1
SCENE 1
(Cut to show Carol and Doug on Carol's front porch, the same scene of the
season finale, "One More for the Road.")
Doug
Mmm...yummy. Is that Stinky Cheese lipgloss?
Carol
Yeah! My favorite.
Doug
Mine too. (rephrasing) So...do I get to come inside?
Carol
Umm...yeah.
(Carol fools with the lock and swings the door open. Doug ducks inside. His
eyes open wide).
(Show Maggie Doyle standing in tight black lingerie in the doorway. She
wraps herself around Doug).
Maggie
Oh, Carol honey, I've been waiting for you...
(Doug struggles backward).
Doug (incredulous)
Maggie? You're gay? With Carol?
Maggie
Doug, didn't you see "Who's Appy Now?"
Doug
I wasn't in that scene! It was you and Carter!
Carol
Maggie? You were supposed to be here tomorrow!
Doug
Tomorrow?
Maggie
Oh god...this is so embarrassing...
(Maggie runs over to the couch to collect her clothes).
Doug
Wait...we're all here...and so this night isn't a total waste for the three
of us...why don't we have a threesome?
Carol
I'm game.
Maggie
Why not?
Doug
ALL RIGHT!
(Doug pulls Maggie to his side. The three of them head into the bedroom).
END SCENE 1
SCENE 2
(Cut to show Weaver and Greene working at the front desk, by the computers).
Weaver
So, Mark, how've you been doing lately?
Mark
NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!
Weaver
Oh.
Mark
You think you can just come in here, and ask me questions, just because I'm a
battered man????!!!!!!!
Jerry
Did you take that two year old in six, Dr. Greene?
Mark
STOP INTERROGATING ME!
(Jerry backs off).
Jerry
Is it that time of the month, Dr. Greene?
E-Ray
Reargh! Catfight! (Makes catfight noises, hisses, and scratches at Mark).
Mark
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Weaver
Mark, you've been a little moody lately.
Mark
MOODY! I'm gonna kill you Kerry! I AM NOT MOODY! (Screams at Kerry). I'M
GOING TO KILL YOU! (Brandishes a chair over Kerry's head).
(Kerry screams and backs away. She turns and runs).
Kerry
SECURITY! INSANE DOCTOR AT FRONT DESK!
Mark
I'M NOT INSANE!
END SCENE 2
SCENE 3
(Cut to show Carter and Doyle bending over a 300 pound pregnant woman. She
is in labor and clearly about to explode).
Carter
Wow, she must be the fattest woman I have ever seen.
(Doyle socks him).
Carter
We have to pop her before she explodes.
Doyle
No way! She'll be fine. We just have to take out the baby. I thought we
were done with these lame fights after "Night Shift."
Carter
Talk to the people who write these crappy scripts! I mean, why is my
character such a loser? I want to get laid!
Doyle
Can't help you there. Now...back to the script...
Carter
Fine...(takes a deep breath and glances at script) Trust me, if we don't pop
her now, she's gonna croak!
Doyle
I am the doctor and you are the intern. (Pauses). Now that is a lame line!
(Continues) You will follow my orders and you'll like it.
(The woman pops. A gush of goo covers Carter and Doyle. They are dripping
wet).
Carter
Hmmph.
Doyle (sighs)
Ok, you were right. We should have popped her.
END SCENE 3
SCENE 4
(Cut to show Benton completing charts at the front desk, oblivious to
everyone else).
Weaver
Wendy, what did you do with those suspect LSD cubes we found on the two
teens?
Wendy
Weren't the cops supposed to take a look at them?
Weaver
Yes...
Wendy
Haven't seen them...ask Jerry.
(Jerry shrugs. Carter comes up to the front desk).
Carter
Dr. Benton, I finished all of my work...diagnosed the ulcer in two, sent Mr.
Haynes to surgery, those five charts are ready, I emptied all the bedpans in
the SICU and wiped the drool off some guy.
Weaver
They sure keep you busy.
Carter (tired)
Anything else, Dr. Benton?
Benton
Get me a coffee, 2 sugars and no cream.
Carter
Sure!
(Carter fills a cup and puts 2 LSD cubes in).
Carter
Here you go.
Benton
Get to work.
Carter
My pleasure.
(Benton drinks from the cup).
(Cut to show time lapse).
Benton
Miss Carter, where are you going?
Carter
You told me to finish my board assignments.
Benton
Your hair is so pretty, like a rainbow.
Carter
Umm, thank you.
(Benton scratches at a wall).
Benton
I want to climb! Into the sky! Fly, fly!
Weaver
Are you all right, Doctor?
Anspaugh
Dr. Benton, you are scheduled for surgery.
Benton
I'm coming, mother!
(He flaps his arms and goes into the elevator).
(Show Benton in surgery. His scrubs are on backwards).
Benton
I love surgery. Give me that knife!
Nurse
Uh...are you sure you can handle this appendectomy?
Benton
Of course, darling. Your face is hairier than I remembered. I will perform
this surgery. (Takes scalpel). It's so shiny, like a mirror! I will carve
a flower on her stomach!
Edson
Dr. Benton, can I make the incision?
Benton
Well, for a monkey, you sure are demanding. But I like you. Here, you cut
her open.
Edson
Cool!
Benton
Oh, look at all those pretty guts! (Puts his hand in). They are so warm!
Edson
Dr. Benton...
Benton (kindly)
Tut, tut, little monkey, I am working!
(Benton removes an organ).
Benton
That was easy! I want to do more!
Edson
Benton, that's her liver!
Benton
Isn't it nice? (Strokes it). May I keep it?
Benton
NO! I MUST GET BACK TO WORK!
(Benton removes more organs).
Benton
Ahh, the appendix.
Edson (quietly)
That's a gall bladder, I thought.
Benton
No, fool! It's an appendix. This is why monkeys aren't doctors!
Benton (scared)
It's raining Skittles. Taste the rainbow!
(Benton sticks out his tongue).
(Anspaugh enters).
Anspaugh
What the hell is going on here?
Benton
Oh no! I must hide! (He claws at the ground). I will bury myself in the
ground. I AM A TREE! I AM NOT DR. BENTON! I AM A TREE!
Anspaugh
Of course you are, Peter. Come with me. I think you've been hanging around
Doug too much...did you see "Last Call?"
END SCENE 4
END SCENE 1
ACT 2
SCENE 1
(Doug and Doyle are treating a twenty-something male).
Doyle
You have an ulcer induced by stress, Mr. Thomas.
Doug
Do you know of any way you could eliminate the stress in your life?
Thomas
Maybe if I could like women.
Doug
Uh...
Doyle
You mean you're gay?
Thomas (quietly)
Yes.
Doug
You know, this reminds me of a similar scene between me and a patient in
"Tribes."
Doyle
Shut up, Doug. Why should being gay stress you out, Mr. Thomas?
Thomas
I can't tell anyone that I'm gay.
Doyle
You shouldn't be ashamed! I'm gay.
Thomas
You're right, Doctor! I AM GAY!
Doyle
I know some perfect therapy. Let's have a parade!
Thomas
Do you happen to have some ruby slippers? I want to wear them in the parade.
Doyle
I'm wearing them right now! I'll make the banner.
Doug
I think I'll leave you two alone...
(Cut to show time lapse).
Anspaugh (looking at banner)
The Cook County General Hospital Gay Parade?
Doyle
You want to join?
Anspaugh (shyly)
Yes.
Doyle
Let's go!
(Anspaugh twirls a baton and marches. "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" from
the Wizard of Oz is played. Thomas beats on a drum. Doyle is dressed in
head to toe black leather).
Doyle
Company, halt! About face. March or something!
(Anspaugh throws flower petals into the air and twirls around).
(Carter sees the parade but didn't catch the gay banner).
Carter
I love parades! Maggie, can I march?
Doyle (happy)
Sure! Wow, I'm really surprised, Carter. Good for you! I thought you'd be
in the closet forever!
Carter (smiles dumbly)
Thanks. You look cute.
Thomas (to Carter)
Hey, sugar!
Carter
Hello. I love parades! I march in them all the time.
Randi (from the desk)
Carter and Anspaugh are gay? There goes my sex life!
Carter
I'm not gay.
Randi
Then why are you in the gay marching band?
Carter (running away)
Gay? YIKES!
END SCENE 1
SCENE 2
(Cut to show Mark sitting at the front desk. Enter Susan).
Susan
Mark! Hi!
Mark
Susan? What are you doing here?
Susan
I decided to come back.
Mark
WHAT!
Susan
Aren't you happy?
Mark
You can't do this, Susan. You can't just walk back in this hospital and
expect me to welcome you. Not after you left millions of people crying after
your departure in "Union Station." Not after you made me dive back into my
work to get over you! I'm not going to take this from you! Go! Go!
Susan
Mark? Are you okay?
Mark
I'M FINE, DAMMIT!
(Carter enters).
Carter
Susan, how nice to see you!
Susan (whispering to Carter)
Is Mark...all right?
Carter
Oh...you haven't been keeping up...you must have missed "Random Acts."
Susan
Yeah, I was babysitting Little Susie that night.
Carter
Well, I've got to go...just run if Mark starts throwing things.
(Mark picks up a stapler and attempts to staple Carter's butt cheeks
together).
(Carter screams and runs away).
(Mark picks up a pen and holds it threateningly over Susan. Susan cowers in
a corner).
Susan
Mark...Mark...no....
END SCENE 2
SCENE 3
(Cut to show Jeannie sitting in the lounge. Enter Al).
Al
Hey, Jeannie. New construction project's in the neighborhood and I thought
I'd stop by.
Jeannie (smiling)
Hey, sweetie.
Al (brandishes a gift he was holding behind his back)
I got something for you...
Jeannie
A gift? For me? Oh, you shouldn't have! (Jeannie greedily tears off the
wrapping paper).
Jeannie
A pooper scooper! Al! I think this is the nicest thing you've ever done for
me!
Al
You're right. This is the nicest thing I have ever done for you. Even
better than the time I gave you a fatal disease. I just thought you might
need it to clean up those messes I leave around the house sometimes.
(Jeannie runs into the hallway).
Jeannie
Look everyone!
(She waves the pooper scooper over her head and picks up a pencil that was
lying on the floor).
Jeannie
Look, Kerry! It's a gift from Al.
Weaver
You're joking, right?
Jeannie
No! I love it. You don't approve?
Weaver
It would help if I understood.
Jeannie
It's strange Kerry. I'm not afraid anymore.
Weaver
Of removing Al's waste?
Jeannie
Of living my life. I know what's important (she shakes the scooper over
Kerry's head). I know what's not.
Weaver
Well, if it's what you want.
(Jeannie smiles and looks triumphantly at the pooper scooper. She moves
towards the door).
Weaver
Jeannie?
(Jeannie turns around).
Weaver
Good night.
Jeannie
It's 3:00.
Weaver
It's my LINE! Didn't you see "One More for the Road?"
Jeannie
Oh...yeah. So I guess I'm supposed to smile and exit.
(Jeannie leaves with a fake grin pasted on her face).
END SCENE 3
SCENE 4
(Cut to show Carol in an empty trauma room. Doug enters).
Doug
You paged me?
Carol
Yeah.
Doug
Where's the patient?
Carol
We need to talk.
Doug
Uh-oh. Every time you say that, you dump me...hey Carol, this reminds me of
a scene between Benton and Jeannie in "Don't Ask, Don't Tell!"
Carol
Shut up, Doug.
Doug (dumbly)
Ok.
Carol
I saw the way you paid more attention to Maggie than me last night.
Doug
It was dark! I didn't know who was who!
Carol
And then you pinched her butt this morning...
Doug
I thought it was Mark's!
Carol
Just stay out of my life, Doug! I will not let you do this to me! Mind your
own business! I mean it this time!
Doug
You always say that, Carol! You said it in "Hit and Run," and
"Ghosts"...what can I do to make you like me?
Carol
Go away.
Doug
I could wear my hat backwards! (He flips his hat around). Yo!
Carol
No.
Doug
I could shave my head!
Carol
NO!
Doug
I could wear really tight khakis like I did in "Random Acts"!
Carol
GOD NO! You frightened thousands of female fans with those pants!
Doug
I could become completely abstinent from sex with other women and worship you
nightly in my room with candles burning...and I could write horny books about
my fantasies with you!
Carol
You do that anyway.
Doug (sadly)
I know.
Doug
I could have a long talk with you about what a terrible guy I am and show
back up at my place and delete the messages on my answering machine from
beautiful women to show how I want to change for you!
(Carol yawns).
Carol
Go watch "Last Call" again, Doug. You must have forgotten it.
Doug
I can't. It makes me cry when I see how I went out with Nadine when I could
have had someone like her sister!
Doug
I've got it! I'll date your mother! Goodbye, Carol!
Carol
Doug? You're joking, right? Doug! Come back! Another thirty seconds and
you could have had me! I had a sudden change of heart! Doug! COME BACK!
END SCENE 4
END ACT 2
Thanks for reading! Please respond. I might write a parody sequel if you
guys like it.
people got the joke.