Okay, so, I dunno *why* exactly I wanted to do this, but sometimes I don't communicate pictorally... sometimes I use words.. though I try to shape and choose them in the same way as my visual art. Here's some of my rants and all of that stuff that comes from personal introspection during hardtimes (ie, stuff I wrote when I felt bad). I'm going to try this chronologically, but some of these dates aren't exact.... (the newest stuff's at the bottom) "Duel Stanzas": (8/17/95) Through the days past, Tiresome dark nights There seems a reason To which I am not privy. The Cosmic Lot has been cast, As the roles eternal levy Their toll as they fall to the sun, With their universal place, Their universal plight And all their eternal grace. ________________ (8/18/95) And so now As I pause to reflect, I think about my life my love I know that I am me But I don't know who is he Have I used the name of the flower To glide down Gentle Love My power? Has she so pervaded my thoughts Is there no escape From the visage of Pulchritude incarnate? Though the surface be sweet, And the girl be replete With the rose thorn Shall it be so in the future, And so now? ______________ "The Circus Has Come To Town" (3/12/96) And of you I often wonder Is your nature in the deed Or in it's song that you love? For, as you give voice to the song You say you're concerned. Are you Or is it solely reflection? Then there is the other. The one who's beauty is staggering. A chance meeting, A pasing word, Is that smile for you, me, Or for all? Among all of the possible ways That one could look at you, I am wondering if any of these guises are truely you Or if you even know? Has travelling these last years erased who you were And told you who you are? Once you decide, you might be done, but Then you need to make the harder choice. Do you follow your mind, Or steel yourself for your heart? What you must decide is this: Will you look straight up, Or rather face the other way? __________________________ "(7/97)" I just don't know what to say or think. I want to cry I don't know how Either I've forgotten, or my shell is too thick to let them flow. On the edge of tears I write this, Does my love disagree with or expect too Much from my lover? A sudden darkness overwhelmes me. I don't know, exactly, what words or phrases Cause this. I feel lonely, depressed ... isolated I guess. She can be so soft, and with the simplest word, Shatter my soul Break who I am. Do I really want this? Want her? I don't know what to say Not the first, and far from the last hurt. Is she too scared? Lazy? Cold? Am I? Do we expect too much and not give Enough? I would think that she'd be happy Maye even flattered that I come so far Away from home I must go, but she alone is my beacon. She doesn't seem to care. Maybe she shouldn't. What know I of love or relationships? A fifth grade crush, and a tenth Then, loving who used to be a close friend, Not able to accept that, his sister was the Focus of my emotion. She still is. There is such a void in my heart, and Just a small word from anyone I care For, and the thin shields and strings that hold It shut rip apart. Unrequited love, Expressed or not, is the most painful, but A wound torn open by the selfish, She who hadn't known love, or maybe Even kindness before I, lasts for Too long. I know this is impossible, but if the Rainbowed beauty would have me, I'd head in that direction. i am not Comfortable being the sacrifial lamb, To show love, and teach warmth to She whom I do love so much, and would Be lost without. Therein lies my trouble, I can't go on in this pain, Being cast to bitterness so easily. I don't know anyone else I'd rather be with... Physicality is one thing, the sea Shines of the glorious bird, but neither One I know that well, and wouldn't feel All that comfortable trying either. There are many more if the skin is all, But I can't do that. I need real friendship, which I have now, But, love hurts, By definition, letting yourself vulnerable And exposing the most hidden emotions to Someone... Trusting they care how they Handle it. I feel somewhat betrayed now, As to say she'll be happy when I'm gone, But when I go, she wants to be with me. I don't understand. I doubt I will. I want this relationship to last as long as possible, Though she can sadden me with just a word, and Cannot reverse it. I... I just don't know, after all this rumination I'm just as confused, but I need to express Something to her And I have no idea what that is Hopefully time can guide me, I need to be whole. _______________________ This one is in a different vein.... written because of the strangly commonplace occurences of haikus in my life, and all of the sonnet studying I'm doing now... "Haiku Syllable Sonnet" (10/13/98) When I look at life, Nothing but woe do I see Until I gaze on high I see your beauty, Absence drops me 'pon the knife Of the past slowly. To the future I Turn my focus and then try To do what is right Force myself to be Able to cast lust aside Hoping it sooth me. And when this truth takes firm hold, It warms me, I feel not cold ___________________ "HSS2" 10/13/98 Looking from the top I can see all around me And so my lips drop But instead I plead With myself to understand The touch of this life Life, to see my hand, Late nights watching Barney Fife, Not bothered by war. I mean to say this: This life is grand, not a chore E'er held us thus. Beyond these walls where life is held, There live the calls of flow'rs smelled ____________________ "HSS3" (10/22/98) Away with the tool That does cloud the images And make words of jewels We loose the hinges, Step through the door into truth. From truth, happiness. Of happiness, sooth Can be told of bitterness: Simple, and yet not. Wondering why I speak, Living as though pain begot Such a mask of cheek. And so living through the hard times To live in joy, if choosing sides.