Unsure of what to do, I kneel in front of Him, waiting for Him speak. My mind racing with worry because of the silence. Not one of those comfortable silences, where two people are just enjoying their closeness with one another without the need for words, but a heavy ominous silence. The kind that makes you squirm, waiting for the other to speak yet not wanting to hear what it is they have to say.

I keep my eyes lowered on the floor, not because He has asked me to, and to be honest with myself, not really out of respect either. Rather out of my own doing, I do not wish to look into His eyes and see the disappointment that I know is there. And I don’t wish for Him to see the anguish in my own. My own tortured thoughts running through my head, a greater chastisement than anything He could do. In fact it would be a relief if He did do something, punish me in some way, show His anger, anything. But He will not do that, for that is not His way.

He knows me inside and out. He knows that this is the greatest punishment for me at all. His silence and knowing that I have done something to earn His displeasure. It is His wish that I should figure this out by myself. So that I know what it is I have done wrong and what steps I need to take to correct the problem, and what I need to do to make amends for it. Truly, this is the only way for me to learn from my mistakes. To make me take the time out to reflect on what it was that I did, the reasons behind it, and what exactly that made it so wrong.

I know what got me here. It was a small thing really, more a matter of my forgetfulness and inattention rather than a willful purpose to disobey. But this is not the first time that this has happened. Not the first time that I have lost my focus on Him and done something that He specifically told me not to. He knows that I am hurting inside. Hurting because of what I have done and hurting because of how it makes me feel, knowing that I have disappointed Him. That I have not lived up to the standards He has set for me, and the standards that I have set for myself.

In accepting the collar from Him, I promised my Master everything. I promised to make Him the center of my life, that I would love Him always, that I would obey Him in all things. That I would do the best I could for Him no matter what. That I was His to do with as He wished. That He owned me completely. And for one short moment I allowed something else to come in between and cause me to break that promise to Him.

That’s all it was, one short moment when I forgot myself and forgot the promises I had made, forget all the rules, and did something on my own, without His permission. Something that He had told me not to do. Not once, but twice that night did He tell me. The second time a gentle reminder when I almost broke the rule, which I went ahead and did a very short time later. And that’s what makes this so painful for me.

It’s not just that I messed up but I had been warned once already that night, even after I already knew the rules. And still I did it. That’s the fact that keeps running through my mind, torturing me over and over. I knew better. And He knew as well. He knows that for one short moment I lapsed and He was not first in my mind. For one short moment I was. And that is what is at the heart of all this, not what I did, but why.

It was almost as if I had looked at my Master and said, "Yes, I gave myself to You, You own me completely, but not right now, right now I am going to do something for myself without any thought of what You want." It was at heart a selfish act. For one short moment I forgot myself and that is all it takes, one short moment.

There is an ache inside of me, a physical feeling of unwell because of this. Never, never had I ever thought that I would do something that would displease Him as this has done. He deserves nothing but the best I can offer, and yet I offered Him so much less. The disappointment that I have in myself is almost overpowering. Even more so, the burning need to make this up to Him anyway that I can. To let Him know how truly sorry I am. How much that I wished it had never happened, and how much I hope that it never happens again.

I know that it is up to me to make this up to Him. That He will give me no suggestions as to how I may do that. As He gave me no suggestions as to what I had done, just letting me think it over and figure it out by myself. So that I will learn and perhaps think more carefully in the future before repeating the same mistake again. Especially since this is not the first time it has happened.

Making it up to Him, that is going to be hard, even though I know that once this is through, He will forgive me and it will be put in the past, but I also know that it will never be forgotten, by either of U/us. Nor should it be. I will keep this in mind so that I will always remember how easy it was for me to do something like this, in the hope that that reminder will keep me from doing it again. I never want to look into His eyes and see the disappoint in them that I saw that night. I never want to feel the way I do right now. Lost and helpless, struggling on my own, trying to figure out a way to show Him that I am sorry and that I understand what it is that I did, and how that it must have appeared to Him.

I have always known in my heart that I would never do anything that would break the rules He has set down to me. That I would always show Him the respect and honor that He deserved. And that I would always love Him with everything I have in me. That I would willingly give every part of myself to Him. I just never realized how small a thing could disrupt that. It’s not that I had this conscious thought process going on at the time, that I knew what I was doing. It was just something I did without thinking twice about it before I did. I never thought that it was so easy to slip.

I have always taken it for granted that I wouldn’t. Even after it happened the first time, I swore that I would never do it again. Swore to Him, another promise that I broke. All without a single hesitation. This is a blow to the pride for me, knowing that there is something in my life that I will have to work at. It will take hard work for me to be the kind of sub that W/we both wish me to be. I think for the first time ever, I have come across something that I can’t wing, that I will have to struggle for, this is not going to come as easily to me as everything else in my life. I’m going to have to work at this.

I’ve never realized that until just now. Never realized how deep that this will take me. Far beyond anything else I’ve ever done. Perhaps because I care about this more than I have anything else. Things that came easily to me, never brought me much sense of satisfaction. There was no sense of accomplishment. Not like what I get when I know that I have pleased my Master. And nothing could ever bring me to this level of sadness. If I couldn’t do something perfectly, I just quit. I never made an effort to learn. If I couldn’t do it without help or instruction I just didn’t do it.

Now it is ultimately clear to me how much I need Him. How much I need His guidance. How much I depend on Him. And how much it pains me to know that I have made a mistake and to know, honestly, that I will probably make others. That in this, I will not be able to be perfect all the time, that I need Him there with me to show me the way. To show how to be the best for Him. How to please Him in all things. Because for the first time in my life, I don’t have all the answers and I can’t do it alone.

In spite of the pain, there is a growing sense of awareness within me. A true awareness of what exactly it is that I am to do for Him. The knowledge that this is a learning process. That I will constantly be learning new things, growing and expanding with Him and for Him. And that no matter how great the disappointment He may have in me right now, that He still loves me and that His forgiveness is already given the moment that I ask for it.

My heart lifts within the confines the sadness has placed upon it. I am sorry for what I have done, was sorry the moment I knew that it was done. But what is more important is that I understand what I did, perhaps a little of why, and maybe how to not do it again. But I also understand that His love is what brings me to this understanding and without it I would have ………………nothing.