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The story that I am telling here is that of my now 7 yo son, however, it also is my story and my husband's story, not only because he is our son, but because we BOTH have to cope with ADD.
From the day we brought our son home, we knew, deep in our hearts, that he was a lot more demanding than most other babies. We also knew that he was more active and that he was ahead of his peers. However, we rationalized that it was all because we were first time parents, because he was bigger than most babies, that it was simply a phase, and that the parents of the "good" babies would get their turn. However, he still slept much less than most babies, though he did sleep all night from the time he was 10 days old. He cried a lot more than other babies did. And he was a lot more demanding than most babies.
By the time he was 3 months old, we would chase him around the living room. At 6 months, within a week, he learned to sit by himself, stand by himself and scoot around the play-pen by himself. He walked at 9 months, climbed on the counter before he turned 2 and he drove us CRAZY. However, even though we were more nervous about family outings and socialising than most parents, we could cope with him. Until we had to go to a day-care situation....
Until he was 3.5 years old, he was looked after by a wonderful aunt of his father. She only minded him, in our home. She loved him dearly and returned the feelings. When he was 3.5 years, this wonderful 70 year old lady became sick, and we had to look elsewhere. We first tried in-home care-givers. The first one said she could not look after him, because he missed us too much and cried too much. The second one gave up after 7 weeks of pure hell, where she had to spend all her time on him. After those two experiences, we turned to subsidized day-care. It was also very painful for him, because he had to deal with a very structure environment and several children the same age as he was. And a rest period in the afternoon. By the end of his second year there, they told us to seek help, because they could not handle him. By the time we got a referral to a psychologist, he was in kindergarten, where things were going relatively well.
However, school was good only for a few months. After Christmas, he started acting up, with one day being sent home without his boots and another episode resulting in a one day suspension, after he attacked the bus driver with his cast. First grade was even more difficult, with numerous suspensions from lunch. That's when we asked for a referral to an ADHD specialist. However, it all came to a point this year, right at the start of the 2nd grade. He started on a very bad foot, where, by the second week, we were being summoned to a meeting. We were told that he had misbehaved in all area, including in the bus. We were told to get a referral to psychiatric hospital, to get help from social services and that he would be sent home from school until things got better. That's when we hit rock bottom.
So, we were finally getting the help we had been begging for, but at what price? Currently, there have 45 days of school and he has missed 21 days, with some of the 24 days he spent at school having been spent in the special ed technician's office!!!
However, things are going a lot better now. We started a Ritalin regimens 3 weeks ago and things are going good. He even participated in special activities for those who have not lost behavior points in a month!! And no side effects, except for the fact that he goes to bed even later than before!!!
The moral of my story? Do not loose hope, do not discount the early signs and do not think that it is bad parenting. It is not. And do not be afraid to look and ask for help!!
As I said above, I am not a doctor, though I have been informing myself and getting all the information I can get about the entity. I am also including a few links to on-line resources about ADD, in order for you to get as much information as you can get. Believe me, if you believe you are dealing with the Disorder, either in yourself or in a member of the family, you will need to arm yourself with as much information as possible.
Here is a description of the Four components of ADD/ADHD (ADD is Attention Deficit Disorder - ADHD is Attention Deficit Disorder with Hyperactivity)
SELECTIVE ATTENTION: This means that we are not really dealing with an Attention Deficit, but with an Attention that is either selective or different. When a person with ADD is absorbed in something, believe me, we can be attentive to a FAULT. Which explains why ADDers are so good at video or computer games, or can focus on TV for hours on end.
DISTRACTIBILITY: This is the part of the entity where we have trouble completing a task or remaining interested in an activity that we are not interested in. This is why the entity has been termed: Attention Deficit.
IMPULSIVITY: This is when we act before we think and this is the part where the person with ADD will get in trouble. This is also the part that leads to behavior problems: The child cannot control his reactions, and acts out, thus ending up in trouble. This is also the part for which parents get blamed the most.
HYPERACTIVITY: It seems like the child revved up like a motor. It seems like the hyperactive child never stops. It is also interesting that studies have proven that an hyperactive child is not MORE active than other children, just active at inappropriate moments. And, of course, hyperactivity is not always present with ADD.
Other traits associated with ADD:
These traits are not necessarily part of the entity, but are often present with ADD:
INTENSITY: Part of the impulsivity part of ADD, this is the part that will get the children in trouble. These children are very emotional and very driven and it is very hard to reason with them. It can also be one of the most positive traits of ADD, the part where the ADDer will strive to achieve a goal, and, often, succeed.
OVEREACTION: The issue is maximized ten-folds and a minor problem becomes a big problem!! Also, this child will use superlatives, "ALWAYS" and "NEVER".
THE NEED FOR IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATIONS: People with ADD have a hard time waiting for something, including waiting for their turn. They also need immediate gratification. For these children, we do better when we give little, but frequent rewards, than 1 big reward.
POOR HANDWRITING: This is very frequent among ADDers.
FORGETFULNESS: The tendency to loose things or to forget to do things.
POOR SENSE OF TIME: I think we simply live in another time zone!!
EGOCENTRICITY: These children have a hard time dealing with empathy and other's point of views.
EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY: These children are often emotionally behind their peers, even though they may be ahead in other areas. This imbalance leads to the outbreaks that they are so well known for!!!
If you recognize yourself or someone you know, it might be worth it to investigate further the possibility of ADD. However, remember that ADD traits are present in everyone, to some extent. It is only the frequency and the intensity of the traits that may lead to an ADD diagnosis.
If you think that you are dealing with ADD, know that you are not alone. Approximately 5 to 8 per cent of the population have ADD. These figures may be higher, because ADD without Hyperactivity is harder to diagnose. And it does not necessarily mean medication. A lot of people can cope with ADD without medication. However, if medication is indicated, it may be only temporary, in order to work on the behaviorial issues.
Hang in there!!!!!
If, like us, you are the parents of a child with ADD/ADHD, here are a few tips to help you in your life with a very special child.
First of all, get help. It took us three years, but we finally have a network of support professionals to help us with our children. Yes, our 3 year old daughter is showing signs of also having ADHD. Here are a few of the areas you should look into for support:
THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY: There are a number of health professionals that are available to help us along the way. They range from the Family Doctor, who will refer us to the right professionals, to Community Psychologists, Children's Psychiatrists, Neuro-Psychologists and Community Nurses. All these people, to a varying degree, will help us with coping with the issues and with making a diagnosis. You may find that one of these health professionals may become center to your quest, and manage all the others. Or you might end up being the focal point. Either way, it will be long and will mean a lot of doctor's appointments. Especially with Speech therapists, audiologists and other such specialists join the list!!
COMMUNITY HEALTH SERVICES: From our Community Health Services, we have received counselling from Community Psychologists and referrals to other professionals and to support organizations. They are often the ones we turn to when things get too complicated. They also usually have all the information to point us in the right direction. They may also open doors to other professionals and they offer a lot of support. However, they may be too busy to offer all the counselling and one-on-one support required by parents of the very intense ADDers.
SUPPORT ORGANIZATIONS: Throughout the world, their are support organizations for parents of special needs children. In our group, we have found day-camps, to help us survive the long summer months and to offer reprieve on Saturdays. They also offer group sessions, have access to lecturers and to books that we may not be able to find. They also have a lot of information to point us in the right direction. Fees vary and services vary, but they are worth the expense.
THE WEB: On the internet I have found Mailing Lists, Discussion Groups, Chat Rooms and a whole ADD community. In the next section, you will find links to several of those groups. I have also found a lot of information that has proven invaluable in our quest for an answer. Believe me, professionals are more open to discussion if they are dealing with an informed parent. And being informed also means that you can keep your own with the school administration. I have also found out all I wanted to know about ADD, parenting a child with ADD, dealing with the realization that I have ADD and medication my child. This is a great place to find a lot of answers!!!
Once you have got the help, you still have to deal with your child. By now, you probably know that conventional parenting and discipline methods simply do not work with a child with ADHD. They simply do not respond. Here are a few tips to help you gain a positive perspective and servive your ADDer:
BE POSITIVE: It is very easy to be negative when you are dealing with a child, or children, who have a lot of energy, have no empathy for others, are very intense and quite immature. It is also very hard to break the pattern. Here are a few tips:
Start with something you know your child will be successful with. Start small. See the positive and underscore the negative. Reward often. Keep golfers' scorers handy and record the positive messages you give your child and the negative ones (be honest), then aim to give more positive messages than negative messages. Set aside special times with your child. Times when you are both relaxed. And enjoy. Relax!!!
REWARD FREQUENTLY: Children with ADD are more likely to succeed when they are rewarded often than when they are rewarded infrequently, with larger rewards.
Use Smileys and Stickers. They love these. Use charts, where the child is involved in creating the charts and where rewards are well identified. You want to show progress.
USE REMINDERS: Children with ADD are often forgetful. They need to be reminded. And the reminders have to be very specific.
Use Charts. Use the Smileys and Stickers approach to show progress. Have cards and signs all over the house. Use coloful charts. Have rewards for every shows of progress, even very small rewards.
Remember: Television and Video Games do NOT cause ADD ADD is not caused by bad parenting YOU are NOT bad parents
In the past few years you have probably heard a lot of adverse information about Ritalin and other drugs used to managed ADHD.
People are likely to quote things like creating little zombies, using mood modifying drugs, intolerant parenting, and bad parenting.
Here are a few facts about Ritalin, that may explain its use.
First of all, Ritalin is not a sedative, it is a stimulant. This stimulant, like coffee and emphatimines, act on the brain of people of ADHD by helping them focus, which, in turns, calms the hyperactivity element of ADHD. Ritalin is now highly controlled and over-prescription is no longer a concern, or less of concern. Currently, about 3 to 8% of the population is estimated to have ADHD. Statistics show that 5% of North American school children are on Ritalin or other ADHD management drugs. This is consistant with the general statistics on ADHD. Ritalin has the advantage of having few side effects and of having short term effects. It is non-addictive and people can stop taking it, with no withdrawal. The Ritalin side-effects only occur in 1% of the population and included loss of appetite, headaches, stomach aches and less sleep.
Our experience with Ritalin has been very positive: limited side-effects in the shape of reduced appetite during the day and reluctance to go to sleep. Our son always had very little appetite, and his appetite has improved in the evening, balancing it all. He has always had very little need for sleep, and this has only worsened by his having about 1 hour less sleep a day. The positive effects far outway the negative effect!!! However, even though Ritalin means that he is more focus, can now function relatively well in school and the rages and tantrums have almost disappeared, they have not completely disappeared. There are still very difficult days. And the Ritalin only works with strong behavior modifications techiniques and a reward program to enforce the behavior modification.
I like to say that using Ritalin with ADHD is like use antihistamines for a allergies: If you try to deal with allergies by only blowing your nose, you will achieve very little, because you are only dealing with the symptom, not the source. If you use antihistamines, you are controlling the allergies. You have not cured the allergies, and still will have to blow your nose, but, at least, you are controlling some of the elements that lead to excessive nose running. Using Ritalin means that you are now able to reason with child, in order to put in place the behavior modification program. Which means that you have improved your chances for success!! Without Ritalin, you may have some success, but it will take a lot longer!!
And, once on Ritalin does not mean always on Ritalin!!!
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