Subject - SSDD
Date - June 20th, 2005

holy fucking jesus....it has been forever since i've even been to this shit hole site...much less updated it....HA.....i was on lj for a while....then just kind of dropped off the internet matrix for a while (agent smith was getting too close)......FUCK....i'm still depressed...no big surprise.....stop taking my medicine.....was just funding the doctor's income....i'm a weak pathetic fuck and no amount of SSRI's will ever fucking change that....hehe......been writing stories alot....i still think they suck.....so i won't submit them to a publisher....why do i hate my writing so much? it's because i hate myself so much....blah blah....typical goth fuck'n bull shit.....god i'm such a whiney pussy....whahhh.....whahhhhh...........lol.......my teacher liked some of my writing though.....that's why i go to school u know......it forces me to be productive....without it...i would just drink and sleep.....working only to support my deplorable habit....shit...i wish i could find a way to kill my perspective......make something of myself...maybe then i wouldn’t hate myself so bucking much....but then....i would just find another way to criticize me and who i am and the way i behave......fuck....do you realize i haven't had sex in over 9 months and it doesn't bother me? others ask me how i can go that long....i say it's easy....i don't want to have sex......i don't even fucking want to be around people most of the time....much less participate in such a misguided, pointless, hurtful, degrading exercise as intercourse.....yuck.....bodily fluids flying everywhere......human beings are fucking disgusting......how can you normal fuckers not kill yourselves......lie and cheat and tell people you care when you really don't...your just manipulating others for your own agenda.....religion....love....trust....friendship....family...they all fall under the false pretense that your interaction is somehow genuine.......but i see through that....it nothing more then survival.....beyond that system it means absolutely nothing.....he...don't get me wrong...i love my brother....my niece....my sister in law...but i can't escape the reality that if i wasn't related...those three would not even blink if i sunk a bullet into my head...........people die every fucking day....and only a hand full of people really care....and they care ONLY because it effects them.....emotionally..........but we humans LOVE our drama don't we?? gives us sympathy.....makes us think we matter or something......he.... that's enough for now......words for later shall embark... until then......fuck the world cause the world won't hesitate to fuck you... hv

Subject - too much crap....
Date - May 15th 2002

these dates are a bit fucked up.......read accordingly....and don't criticize my grammar and spelling too much....when i write these rants...i'm thinking about death, darkness, decay, overwhelming depression, blood, screaming in agony..ect, ect, blah, blah, blah......i'm also shit faced most of the time (like right now...weeee!) not exactly the proper mind set for grammatically correct composition......

Subject - creature of habit
Date - 30th of April

....feeling restless.....couldn't sleep that well yesterday.....though some days i sleep all day....it varies.....you ever had one of those experiences where you are in a room full of people, perhaps having a conversation with someone and you just feel completely alien and foreign to the situation and especially to everyone around you? it's like being beyond the perspective of the third person....like i'm watching this pointless human charade play itself out into self-destruction and death.....but i continue to play along out of habit so as not to freak out the people i'm with when i really want to tell them "why the fuck are we talking? why the fuck are we even here? what useful purpose does any of this serve?? NOTHING!! WE SHOULD ALL BE SLICING OUR NECKS OPEN!!! THAT AT LEAST WOULD ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL!!"...and then plunge a knife into my throat, the blood spraying out of my neck like a geyser onto the faces of other individuals frozen in the arms of shock and disgust....my lifeless body falls to the floor and people wonder what was wrong with me...."was he abused as a child?" "where did he grow up?" "i bet you he listened to that mayalin manson guy and that's why they killed himself"....then my lifeless body responds, "whatever helps you sleep at night you ignorant fuck.....i did it because there is no point....no reason NOT to...."...and then the bomb i have hidden under my shirt goes off and kills everyone in the room....hey...one can dream!

Subject - 420
Date - 27th of April

wrote this the other day around “4:20”….it isn’t very cohesive but an interesting read…

Soul in the process of not falling apart…..but being twisted…manipulated…..torn ….falling up while influences intervene changing the shape…texture….sometimes lines sometimes just dots….spinning in opposite directions at the same time…..falling up…surrounded by the waste of my own depression….soaks into my mind trying to push away but can’t….always slip an fall……glimpses flash from behind….i see but can’t find…falling sideways…..images are echoes of the truth….of reality….are they the same? I’d like to believe so but probably not….crossing the bridge to die….why cross? Because we must die….i want to die…..i close my eyes and see my dead body…..being eaten away by worms….life is now forfeit……pictures of the past…..fading like the planet….so empty….against what we have been taught….that life somehow matters……how??

Falling through…immersed in my own waste….nothing good flows out of my body……dark within….consuming the lies of happiness…..thawed and breathing in my reality….in flux accept that of the dark…..of death…..of the meaninglessness of me…..hands on my face, salt water streams fall through my fingers…..how can someone drown in a feeling…a realization? Fire from without consumes what’s within….always lost, falling, twisting turning fading away without notice or any true empathy….perspective manipulated by my own paranoia and the noise of the outside world….making me companions with madness and suffering……it is all I know to be true….or at least true to me….is there truth beyond me? Does reality truly exist without me? If I cease to think about this world does not the world come to an end?

I want out of this cage….this prison….

Breaking apart while seeing it all in double, shattered, copied……fuck

I want to destroy myself to see who I really am within, and without the changes of this perspective

Life is death….death is something beyond

Can’t focus on anything…what is wrong? Is my darkness a lie as well????

Does my life mean something because it is insignificant?

Fucking fucking die die die die die kill yourself now!!! Bleed out your fucking ugly soul……no soul…die in vain live in vain breath in vain….vain is vain….die

Why am I sad??? It identifies me

Darkness and death give me meaning…..nothing else I’ve seen or experienced can do that……

Late night drive through….”the only people that come through here are the night shift workers and the pot smokers.”

Subjrct been a while
Date - 27 of april

been a long fucking while.....i now have a notebook i write my tirades in....don't have time to transfer it here.....which is too bad because i've writen some interesting posts....oh well....perhaps when i become famous i'll blow my head off and a few years later they will sell my notebook to make more money off of my death....hey....one can dream...

Subject notes from reading Nausea
Date - 12th of January

us…we….this world….it merely exists...it is nothing just as we are nothing…constantly manipulating it into something that hides the “truth” (if there is such a thing to comprehend) from our brittle minds…to live is but an ongoing exercise in invention…NOT intervention…..we create our own suffering, our own happiness, our own peace, our own despondency…..our drama to fool ourselves into thinking our existence is somehow significant when it isn’t….it just is…we deceive ourselves into thinking our actions matter, that the consequence or our decisions are somehow singular or important…

Subject - our strength is our weakness
Date - 2nd of Jan, 2004

I don’t understand the function of this mechanism we call human existence…..it’s amazing to me to think that years of evolution and “progress” have yielded only more human suffering and despondent temperaments who’s intensity are unmatched in any previous time in the history of this planet….we have become so aware, through evolution and knowledge, of our banal insignificance in this universe….to claim otherwise is to raise a flag on the foundation of ignorance, flooded with denial. Perhaps the truth of our nature is existentialism…….all meaning, or purpose, of our actions are created before that particular action is carried out rendering the illusion that our lives carry on it’s shoulders importance rather than insipid means to a vapid end..…and we gladly fall victim to these delusions…..because to accept our emptiness is to deny that with so many fight for and claim to have…a purpose…a soul…a reason to live……so again…what is the function of this machine we call humanity slowly winding its way toward oblivion? Everyone has opinion…NO ONE HAS ANSWERS…but to believe that is contradictory to many mantras and threatens to open a chasm of hopelessness from which death is the only release….so to believe in a lie or have faith in that which can NEVER be verified as accurate is the only way to accept and deal with this life……I stand askew to the latter and find myself lost in what seems to me to be the truth of our existence….however….EVERYONE thinks their particular perspective is the truth of our existence and though I’m sure there is a distinction between reality and fiction concerning the nature of our lives there is absolutely no possibility of distinguishing “truth” from falsehood with our limited intellect….perhaps that is the only truth we can adhere to without falling back into our own weakness of survival through believing in that which exists only in our minds to keep us from killing ourselves.
happy fucking new year by the way....

Subject - these subject headings are retarded
Date - December 29th

...not much to rant about today (i never stabbed myself by the way)...feeling pretty good actually.....i've moved to a new (better) place....rent is higher but the landlord isn't a dipshit at this property...so it's all good....and i'm living above ground now!! (as opposed to my old basement apt.) have a roomate as well...cool as hell....she's my FAG HAG (one of several).....i've lived by myself for years....it's a bit weird living with someone again but i like it....having someone to bullshit with.....or just talk to....and listen to...it makes a difference.....now if only i could find a boyfriend like that i'd be set...(yea right)....dating sucks....it's so awkward and foriegn...not to mention my interests are a bit....um....uncommon (how many gay guys do u know who listen to Velvet Acid Christ?) people get hurt to easily...i hate that....i don't want to hurt anyone but sometimes i'm just not interested u know?!....i've been on both sides of that street and know what it's like...if you're interested, then they are not....if they are interested in you, you are not...WHAT THE FUCK MAN!....not to mention i'm still getting accustom to being out of the closet....i regret wating so long...i feel as if i missed out on a lot growing up because i couldn't accept who i am....oh well.....should of, could of, would of......well....it's the weekend.....was going to go out on a date but he didn't call me back...so i'm going to get shit faced! have a happy fucking new year!

Subject - fuck the world - cause the world WON'T hesitate to fuck you
Date - 13th of December

...wow.....no matter how hard i try to be a good person....to treat people with respect....to be fucking nice...mind my own business.....what happens???? i'm given 2 fucking weeks to find a new place to live.....and why?? no reason.....NO FUCKING REASON!! just move out.....c u later.....have a merry fuckin X-mas.....i don't bother anyone.....i keep to myself....i don't play my music loud.....yet for some reason i'm hated.......WHY!!?????? fuck everyone......it all ends in sadness.....darkness....shit.....i'm drunk....and pissed.....no place to live in about two weeks.....yea.....i know....poor me.......there are those on the street freezing to death without a home......i'm so fucking pathetic.....who am i to complain? that's why i need to die.....i have no right to feel angry or sad when others suffer so much more.....i bitch and whine like a fucking spoiled brat.......but just knowing that someone else has it worse than me doesn't make me feel any better (should it?).....oh well......another shit storm to weather........i want to stab myself.......

Subject - ....life is absurd....
Date - 15 of November..2003

Existentialism……I find it a bit strange that I constructed a somewhat loose concept of this philosophy before I even heard the word….my HS education was severely limited and skewed by religious propaganda and opinion…..i didn’t start college until I was 23…and I came across the philosophy of Sarte…..then Kierkegaard…and so forth….the notion that life is absurd (in the sense that there is no point..or meaning in life that we can define and therefore justify our actions)…..the nothingness we as humans must accept and deal with (part of that nothingness being our inevitable death)…..the despair of absolute freedom…..the lack of meaning (accept that which we create)……almost all of these themes drifted on the outer surface of my mind…..taking shape and forming violent storms of thought as I read more and more…. You….YOU are the only person in this world (not religion, or god, or teachers, or books…though they can influence) that can ultimately define yourself….define your meaning….though looking for meaning is in of itself…an exercise in futility…but something that must be done in order to live life and experience all there is to experience……..just found it odd that I wasn’t heavily influenced by these philosophers when I constructed this outlook on life….very odd indeed….anyway….i’m now making the choice to get shit faced…..later!

Subject - voices
Date - 2nd of November

just thought i would share with you some of the thoughts that tear apart my mind....
"you're going to die alone and you know it."
"god hates you."
"you're such a fucking poser."
"you would be better off dead....to everyone."
"don't make the mistake of thinking that anything you do with you're life can somehow suppress the depression or the realization of your absolute aloneness in this world."
"all seems vain."
"you can follow your dreams...it only delays your disappointment..or eventual failure."
"there is no real YOU....you're a washed up and bitter (not to mention a sorry excuse for a human) worthless individual..never forget that!"
"you have only yourself to blame."
"no matter what you do with your life, no matter how you behave or how much you work towards being a "good" person....you will ALWAYS be wrong.....you could never do anything right in the past....what the fuck makes you think you can change?"
"you're a lazy fuck...whining about you're depression 'oh poor me!' when you have NO FUCKING RIGHT to feel that way when so many others in this world have suffered so much more and were STRONG enough (unlike you) to persevere."
"you make me sick"
"you create your own problems and lack the initiative to change."
"you actually like your depression....that is why you will never change....you like the fact it defines who you are...how pathetic! therefore, you should receive NO sympathy...NO help...you alone are responsible...and you infect others around you with your sick disease."

Subject - u don't want 2 know me...
Date - 27 Oct. 2003

...i'm sick in the head....and even that isn't genuine....i just believe i'm sick in the head to justify my perception....at least that is what i'm told....Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold just wanted to be outsiders....so they tell me.....my question is WHY would they want to be part of the fucking crowd?? why would they want to treat others less fortunate then them like crap?? is that what my goal should be?? i've chosen indifference...apathy.....at least they did something about it...i don't agree with what they did but i do feel they were justified to a certain degree to strike back at those who use and abuse others for their own benefit....FUCK YOU!!...i hope they were laughing when they killed you....respect is earned...not blindly given....u don't want 2 know me....these thoughts plauge my mind.....mentally ill...i don't want to be part of this world....depression....it's like angst without the enthusiasm....there is nothing left to say...ii'm tired of hurting....i'm tired of hurting others...i'm tired of trying to justify to myself why i feel empty.....i just want it to end.....

Subject - sinking
Date - 20th of October

"What am I supposed to do?
When I feel nothing, but I want to?
What am I supposed to say?
No one ever listens, anyway"

- "Sinking" by The Cruxshadows -

…..crap…i’m feeling crappy…..how do you articulate that in writing?….“feeling crappy”… not “shitty” mind you….i don’t feel shitty…..just crappy….there is a difference….anyway…..i was thinking about the past…well…my past….the other day and i started writing about how i grew up living in fear…..fear of pissing my mom off (which was pointless because she ALWAYS got angry and said things that a mother should never say to her child)….of pissing god off (again…pointless to avoid….god hates u don’t u know!! unless you do this and that and whatever else the preacher says u should do god will send u to hell….what a loving creator!)……of becoming a failure….of dissolving away in the ground with nothing to show that I even existed…..now days i don’t speak to my mother….nor do i talk to god..(if there is one to speak to in the first place)…and as for being a failure….well…i’m not exactly a success at the moment…..or a failure….i’m just….nothing….which is worse? …and FEAR still looms about my mind like a black cloud hovering above the land, growing with thunder in the distance, ready to spill itself onto the land and wash away all that i have built in life (which isn’t much)…….i fear that I’ll always be alone….i fear that being nothing is worse than failure….i fear that death would be more pleasant than life…..i fear that there is no way to live without my behavior being pushed about by fear’s cold clammy hands….anyway….like i said….crappy…..

Subject - conglomerate
Date - 8th of October, 2003

can't sleep....i'm tired as hell though....my back aches...my muscles feel knotted and twisted like the smoldering frames of the World Trade Center....held in place only by a thin layer of skin....i continue to write….but only in short and intense bursts….spilled out onto a napkin....an envelope...scrap paper....whatever is around at the moment...i have a pile of diversely sized papers written in blue ink, black ink, pencil....some stained with food particles.....this extension of my mind…..tearing its way out of my head only to gather dust on my cluttered desk...how pathetic...again however...i go back to my excuse of exhaustion…..or maybe it’s apathy? so why do i feel slothful? perhaps loneliness as something to do with it.....or perhaps my own inability to examine the rusty chains that hinder my progress is my flaw.......i’m coming to the realization that i’m the only one who can change things....but I don’t trust myself....never have....to trust yourself to make the right decisions is to set yourself up for failure.....and unintended pain and hurt will rain down on those close to me.....i can’t allow that....i won’t......i’ll shut up now….here is some of the crap i came up with....

Subject - falling faster
Date - 20 Sep

it's not getting better....in fact.....it's getting worse....the more i know....the more i dig into why i feel so depressed....the more i realize that there is no way out......there is no reversal....no magick pill....no nothing...no reason even....all this pain and anger and internal anguish means nothing because it comes from nothing....i can't escape myself....my self-hatred.....it will always be there to knock me back down after i've struggled and struggled to get back on my feet......i'm falling yet even faster then before.......i even hate myself for hating my self.....how fucked up is that??....oh....how i wish for the chasm floor to meet me sooner then later.

Subject - un-truths
Date - Sep. 1st

....there are so many people out there who will say to you they know what is right, and what i wrong....but it seems to me that morality is not absolute but defined by your environment....by the people you surround yourself with....there is no truth to in it...just agreement...and that somehow turns into an absolute.....take homosexuality for example....i could just as easily walk into a gay bar and find support from others about being gay...everyone in the joint would tell me it's not a choice, we are pre-disposed to feel a certain way....some might even have some scientific evidence to back all this up...and i would leave the bar feeling good about myself and who i am......but then, if i just walked down the street a couple of block into a church i would be told that is IT a choice and that i have an obligation to change my sick and abominable lifestyle and if i don't god will send me to hell and if i tried again i would find support from all those inside and might feel good about the decisions made....in either case there is no "right"...it's all opinion...environment.......it's all meaningless really....and when i try to believe in myself and explore and understand how i feel and try to keep the decisions internal rather than external i'm constantly reminded by my past of what a flawed and broken creature i am.....i caused a lot of pain and anger in the past.....i hurt those close to me without even knowing it.....my past won't let me forget what a sorry fuck of a human being i am.....how can i rely on "me" to make any decisions?....especially when i realize that my past too was created by environmental factors...my entire psychology was created out of environmental variables....every thought i have is a vagrant.....slipping away to be replace by another opposing memory...that soon gives way to yet another...and another.........hopeless is how i feel.....because anything i see i could try to put hope in....i know does not exist outside of my perception giving hope to those who need it...no....it exists purely as a mental construct....created and imagined as something external to give myself some false hope.....and it only needs a bit of criticism from an opposing view for it to fall apart and drown in my perpetual depression.....everything seems flawed.....myself included....and i can't escape that perception without deceiving myself into believing in something that is ultimately....nothing more than a facade......a hiccup of the mind to keep itself alive.....shit.....i'm depressed....lonely....and hopeless....heh....and i've trapped myself in this structure of thinking.....i'd like to believe there is an escape.....but i've made that mistake before.........my past refuses to let go.....

Subject - here i am
Date - 18th of August, 2003

....here i sit...it's about eleven in the evening....my computer desk is cluttered with empty Bacardi Silver and Mike's Hard Lemonade bottles....there is also a shot glass half full (or half empty i suppose) of Gentelmen's Jack sitting in front of my keyboard....i sit here at my desk wishing for things that do not exist for me most of the time....i wish i could be free of guilt and doubt.....without the help of Mr. Daniels or Mr. Beam....i love to write...one of the few things i do spontaneously, and with vigor....but as soon as the pen begins to glide along the paper my analytical mind begins to break down my ideas...my words....they become vapid...meaningless....my mind tells me to stop writing....it's pointless....banal rhetoric....i'd be better off dead....blah balh blah.....i ignore it but can't help but be effected by it....the writing slows....my thoughts fall apart.....vaporize into the nothing from which it came....the weight of depression falls once again on my chest, reminding me no matter how much i write or drink....it will be there to great me when i've stopped feeling like a human being and begin to feel like an empty shell with a lifeless heart.....which one is really me? (the shot glass is now empty in case you wanted to know)

Subject - my eyes hurt....
Date - 9th of August

...i'm tired....i'm always fucking tired....the entire week i've been going to bed as soon as i get home from work (the summer semester has ended...so no homework!)...i sleep all day...get up and go to work at night...and i'm tired...i try to read...but i'm tired...i have to slap myself in the face when i drive home in the morning...i go to bed and sleep for about ten....maybe twelve hours...get up...go to work....and i'm still fucking tired....what the hell? i don't feel like reading or writing (i'm currently working on a short story)...don't feel like playing music or even eating (i'm hungry, but don't feel like eating...figure that one out)....i'm tired of my perpetual tiredness....i'm too tired to care most of the time....it takes a considerable amount of effort to focus....to concentrate without being distracted by my....my racing mind....the voice in my head just tells me over and over that i'm a lazy fuck who can't hack it in the real world.....is that true? what should i believe? i just want to sleep until i die....that would be nice indeed!

Subject - nausea
Date - 7th of August, 2003

...thoughts of suicide are dancing once again on the edges of my mind....i've been writing in this journal for almost four years now but i think i've failed to articulate accurately why ending this pointless existence seems rational to me........i went out tonight and bought the new VAC disk (Hex Angel (Utopia-Dystopia) kicks ass...thanx Bryan!) and then parked my truck at an intersection and ate some shitty KFC. while i was sitting there listening to Bryan lament, i was looking into the faces and gestures of all those people waiting for the light to change....so impatient...so self-centered...so oblivious to the people and environment around them....the darkness descending, quickly filling the with its cool breath....spilling into cars and shops and houses and lives....but what made me sick to my stomach was i was no different...i'm just as guilty....i put my truck in gear and pull out onto the road and become one of them....burning fuel...fucking over the environment a little more with my vehicle...eating the meat of an animal who lived its life in a cage....becoming part of the deplorable capitol corporate machine with my purchases....becoming that which i despise....i'd like to think i can change but can't...i'm stuck...and either out of laziness or fear or both i can't escape and evolve into something more evolved than the people that surround me.....i want the balls to be like the character in Waking Life who says calmly to himself "it's time for my own lack of voice to be heard." and then lights himself on fire.....that's what i truly deserve......

Subject - submerged
Date - August third

...i was in a store this afternoon, standing in line to purchase a case of smirnoff triple black ice.....the customer in front of me....a male....early thirties...short black hair...shorts....orange tee shirt.....he looks at me....hidden in his eyes i can sense hostility....disgust...i don't know why but i get the feeling that if he could get away with it, he would beat the living fuck out of me...go home and smoke the cigarettes he just bought......but he just looks at me...my clothes....my smirnoff....shakes his head and walks out the store.....do i really need to explain to people why i prefer to be a recluse? there is so much anger and pain and resentment and hurt flowing out of the eyes of the people i meet everyday that it's too much....i can stand their antagonism no longer without breaking apart myself....which i have time and time again on the inside....but the inside is something we as humans keep hidden from the outside....which doesn't surprise me....the scary thing is....what if my interpretation of the man's disposition in the store today invalid? how can i verify if the anger is not external...but internal? last year when i was actually speaking to my mother...i told her of the time when i was a kid wanting to quit sports when she told me, "why don't you just go crawl in a hole and die."...and walked off. she denies it ever happened. we don't talk anymore. what if she is right? what if all this depression and anger centers around me...i created it all...i live life under the protective layer of a murky water that separates myself from what is see as a cold and hurtful reality....full of deception and manipulation.....i'm comfortably numb under water....cold....alone....so very alone but alone of my own accord.....and now i realize that there is a good chance i've created it all....my confusion and resentment of this hopeless world in NOT justified because i created it to be that way...not the other way around.....perhaps that is the truth....but how do i verify that truth?? i can't.....and never can.....so i stay submerged....alone and distant from everyone i know and love because i have the capacity....as my mother did....to bleed my pain onto others....that must never happen....whether i created that entire scenario in my head as my mom claims or she really did tell me to die (among other things) i still choose to stay submerged until the only relief in sight finally comes to my side and pulls me away from these thoughts....these horrible thoughts....death is my only true sanctuary.....the only truth.....the only absolute.....

Subject - electricity
Date - July 29th

i just finished watching the movie Billy Elliot....excellent film. it hurts a bit to watch however....i watched the protagonist cultivate his talent in dancing despite the ever oppressing environment that surrounds and almost suffocates him....he broke free...lived life as it should be....comfortable and happy with yourself and your gifts......if only we were all so lucky as Billy....if only i wasn't so weak in allowing my past to control my future....if only i could maintain the level of determination Billy had in the movie....perhaps then i wouldn't be this brooding, lonely, broken shell of a man i am today.....i know it's just a movie....but there is a scene in which Billy is asked how he feels when he dances...."i lose myself like a bird....like electricity." i have felt that way only a few times....either with music or with writing....my body and mind becoming a liquid that flows within the music that surrounds me or the characters who begin on paper and end up as real to me as my family....it hurts deep within myself when i think of the amount of potential in the world that is squandered by parents or teachers or hostile environments that choke away the creativity and energy of those unfortunate souls who lost the cosmic lottery and where born within an environment that stifles their gift, and eventually their will to live.

Subject - “our reson is not to question why...”-FUCK YOU!
Date - July 24th

i do want to know why! i want to know why it is i feel so empty right now…..why is it when i have a homework assignment or some task at work to complete my mind darkens with bleak prospects and unrealistic possibilities that consist of failure and shame? are there chemicals in my mind that manipulate the situation into some despondent mirage that in reality has no merit? perhaps the origin of my depression and fear is cognitive….a simple matter of structured thinking or framing that was set up improperly and just needs an overhaul….why is it that these tasks can create such a hopeless weight on my mind that it hinders movement and everything becomes static? this void has swelled within me for no reason….i’m aware of my surroundings and environment….i’m aware that I have the capability to complete these tasks yet for some reason I push it all away….pick up the bottle and drink (alone) until I can’t remember why I started drinking…i’m being torn apart inside for no reason…..i’m tired of hurt and worry….i’m sick of my own disposition hindering progress….what can i do to move forward without being so terrifyingly encumbered by this symbiotic darkness?
….shit….the only answer to that is death….or perhaps a cult!

Subject - r e c o n s t r u c t i n g
Date - July 22nd

....well....i guess i forgot to take my prozac on the 6th....oops...this might sound a bit silly but i honestly don't remember writing the post on the 6th....oh well...it's another chapter of my mind captured on this site for all to enjoy!(or loath i suppose). anyway....needless to say my disposition at the moment varies greatly with my last post. i'm not sure if the prozac is kick'n in or what but i feel pretty good today...i'm also a little afraid because i know these moments of quasi-euphoria never last......but for know i'm enjoying a pizza and some dew...listening to a new industrial disk i just bought (Front Line Assembly - Epitaph....good disk...though not a good as Implode)....starting going to a club here in Denver that plays industrial on Sunday nights...i love listening to Skinny Puppy in a club...the music so loud it threatens to collapse your body... depression still hits me like a hammer to the skull....though not as often..and i'm trudging my way through it....that's all i can do i suppose....hopefully, if this momentum continues, i can garner the initiative to write.........Carpe Noctum!

Subject - i want it to end
Date - July 6th

i can't stop thinking about it......everyday now my imaginatin runs with thoughts of suicide......everyday i become even more detatched from the reality that surrounds me....i know i can never be a part of this reality.....i want to be released from its grasp....please let me die.......die......death.....my only true companion.....the only thing in this world that makes sense to me......

Subject - brief moments of clarity
Date - 29th of June, 2003

….there are days…like right at this very moment….as my fingers tap lightly on my keyboard….that my mind finds the solution of ending my life to be…somehow…a rational solution to a quandary whose answer is forever changing into something i can never understand…..if I had a choice….i would gladly ride the bullet train into oblivion…I find it difficult to distinguish between what I feel right now and what I feel when I’m not eager to paint the walls with my brains…..which one is the moment of clarity? Right now it makes complete sense to plunge a knife deep into my veins and watch the life flow out of me in the form of blood…..other days…I feel differently….which is accurate? Most people would quickly tell you and me that the latter is more reasonable…I’m not certain I agree…..if I suffered (yes…I know….poor me…I must suffer soooo much!!! SHUT UP!) for a reason…..toward some worthy cause that made some sort of noteworthy divergence in the world….then perhaps my mind could garner the initiative one would need to push forward in life…..but the cruel reality is there is no reason…no significant reason to move on……except egotistical excuses….to eat…to breath….to fuck and propagate….everything we do in life is a hopeless and desperate attempt to justify our existence…..what deplorable creatures we are!!!! never giving a second thought to the consequences of our actions…or our dialect…hurting those close to us…hurting those who don’t even know us!!….and continuing to do so because we think it’s our fucking right to survive….but at the expense of who? We ARE a virus….consuming and spreading like a disease that serves no useful purpose on the planet…..i like the idea of THE MATRIX…..at least in that reality humanity serves some sort of useful, constructive purpose...

Subject - stealing from others
Date - 26th of May 2003

I love The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath....a great book....parts of which i want to share with you (the you being the three or four people that visit this site and actually read this shit)

"I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo."

"Then he would......tell me why I couldn't eat and why everything people did seemed so silly, because they only died in the end."

"To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream"

Subject - sewage of the mind
Date - 26th of May

how can i express anymore how i feel? what must i do in this life....with my life? do i have an obligation to live a certain way? to whom? what must i do to satisfy the thoughts in my mind that are constantly reminding me what i'm not? is it my dream job? is that it? i don't even fucking know what that is. is it because my life as a child was built around the axiom of guilt? is my disappointment valid? do these questions make sense? i see only temporary solutions to ever-changing and mutating problems that just grow more complex the more you're mind wades through the answers supplied by those who make a profit off of your misery and exploration. i wish i could just live......live with reckless abandon....were would i be then? someplace better? maybe not....but it wouldn't matter to me if i was or wasn't....i would just simply be glad to be alive? but is that what i truly want? what do i want? death? that's it? sex? love? peace? are any of these lasting themes or just preludes to the end of life? i want to exploit these feelings as i've seen others do....but i lack something....passion....drive...initiative....then i feel guilty about my apathy...guilt brings self-loathing which brings more self-criticism...which brings more depression.....i guest i have to care in order to have passion....and i don't....i guess...i don't really know anything anymore....it's all disputed and corollated into a large sewer my mind resides in....suffocating on my own endless thoughts....

Subject - life.....(ooo..intriguing)
Date - May 6th

.....had a slow night at work last month and i came up with this as my mind was wondering...
Life is not a gift as we are lead to believe...yet i can not conceive it as a burden either. It is a wanderer...a weary traveler that moves from being a cruel joke to something that should be cherished. Life is not a static being that can be labeled or understood from a single paradigm of thinking. It's complexity contributes to the phantom-like attributes and characteristics that shift in and out of perspective. For brief moments in time we are witness to these apparitions....we are given partial glimpses of the nature and essence of what it means to live. Those impressions are etched into our minds in the form of pain, deceit, love, compassion, greed, animosity...all of these entangled together to from some slipshod yet coherent entity that defines us all and divides us in so many ways. We are all aware that life is brief...a flicker of light from the candle of human existence that, for a moment, burns brighter and flashes a shadow on the wall..or pallet of humanity that extinguishes almost as quickly as it came to be. However, life can also seem at times to transcend the boundaries of time and endure in a perpetual state that exists only in our minds....sometimes as affection....sometimes as hatred. Life is an experience shared differently by everyone who takes part. that is what makes our lives unique and therefore something to be valued. However, it is that very unique aspect that makes life a lonely place to dwell.

Subject - i'm drunk...again....
Date - march again....

i imagine these things existing in my life, mechanisms that i would like to think control my outcome...that help define who i am........but these things are imaginary....and what comes over me is a wave of realization that smacks me in the face....fuck....i say to myself as i look around at all the lives and people that surround me....mechanisms in motion with no regard to my life....but why should they....yet i still acknowledge...and wonder.....life, in some aspects, is so fucking beautiful and full....and yet in some aspects so horrible and dark.......what am i to believe? is being awake a curse or a blessing? is the answer to that question a matter of seeing they way we want to see it? a matter of philosophy taught to us by those who marched through the same sands of thought and perspective and found something that may be real....revealing....there is the part of me however that doesn't care....that want's to die....that knows any answer of now won't change or facilitate the darkness that keeps me.......overwhelmed...i yearn so much to be human....to feel....to love and be loved yet i resist....and wait for the finale..........death is my only companion.....

Subject - within
Date - march

you know....buried underneath it all is a guy who wants to care but knows that to care is to become vulnerable and open.....it is not a real attribute from which to reside...that weakness in life.......because trust will most be destroyed...broken into hundreds of pieces of sharp glass by those who you make the mistake of opening yourself up to...........fuck....my hell is created withing my own mind...it probably doesn't exist outside of it yet i fear it more than i do my own death....i create my own problems....my own darkness.....and i'm a fool to ask for escape because i'm the only one that can save and and i refuse to save myself because i hate myself too much to really care.......i am my own demise.....my own destruction...but at least no one can ever again care about me and control me.......i would rather die cold and alone than ever be fucked over by someone or something i put my absolute trust in........we are all flawed and worthless.....and it is only lies that keep us from seeing who we really are......

Subject - does reason solidify action?
Date - 18 Feb

David Hume once said that reason is a slave to emotion. Our emotions (at least mine) are so erratic and unpredictable that to assume Hume's statement is accurate is to assume that rational thinking is a facade. do we really fool ourselves into logical thought? does there exist some logical structure outside of our own perception? or is it all just chaos, interpreted by our minds as somewhat rational and organized to a certain degree? to assimilate the outside world as it actually is (unfathomable disorder and pandemonium), outside of our minds, would result in a mental breakdown of understanding what the "external world" really is...therefore, upsetting our "foundation" for moving forward with our......our existence....our survival. reason leads to acceptance which leads to an attempt at living our lives in the best way we know how. but if reason is based on emotion it becomes subjective, and therefore we, as humans, are but fools, placating to an indifferent universe while deceiving ourselves. i'm constantly evaluating my actions.....trying to seek out the core justification for how i act, and how i feel. i guess i've fooled myself into believing if i can find some pattern or cause and effect.......then i can somewhat control the outcome of the darkness that has coated my behavior and thought process like a thick layer of cold, transparent ice that envelopes the limbs of a tree after an ice storm, making it weak and vulnerable to outside influences. if there is no reason, no cause and effect, then my thinking is in vain, unless it fools myself into believing i've found something substantial to act upon to quell this depression.....but it's all still in vain.....

Subject - trapped from within
Date - 2nd Feb

...such a dark and lonely place my mind resides in at the moment......so isolated....it is if i have already died and my mind is simply in denial, creating an empty world for it to nest in until it shuts down....so hopeless is my outlook as i look about the landscape that is my life.......burned away is all my trust......poisoned is my heart that beats no more for life but for survival.....i feel but don't connect.......i breath but gain no oxygen.....i eat but taste nothing new or invigorating.....i understand but lower my head and attempt to refuse what i must accept.....that it is too late for me to change.....it is past any point of reconstruction......my destiny is singular....solitary....hopeless... inevitable.....and death is my only savior...soon to release me from depression....loneliness.....misunderstanding.....all that stabs at my conscious...i'm here because i choose to be.....i'd rather die alone than ever be hurt again by someone who i thought i could trust....i can never escape that....therefore, i can never escape the darkness....not matter how hard i try....no matter what i do.....like so many others.....i will leave this world not knowing what it really meant ...to breath...to eat.....to trust......to love.......to live life......

Subject - the placid facade of now......
Date - 31 Jan 2003

i wish i could maintain this moment.....capture it in a jar for me to cherish and use when i feel like i did when i wrote the post below......i feel good right now (partly due i'm sure to my friend Zoloft)....i want to push forward....earlier today i felt so empty, lonely and hopeless that the physical pain of a cattle prod being shoved into my mouth seemed at the time a viable option if it would release the grip depression has on me.....all i can do i suppose is run faster when i feel good and crawl on my hands and knees when the darkness digs its claws into my back.....as long as i keep moving the darkness of the chasm won't consume me right away...(unless i get hit by a car, or get cancer, or maybe get blown away by a terrorist attack carried out in the name of Allah) the future is still uncertain....perhaps that is what i can focus on? time will tell. (what secrets and stories are witheld in the perpetual bosom of time?)

Subject - some interesting facts to bore your imaginary friends with
Date - 28th of January

Sylvia Plath - stuck her head in an oven and died from the gas fumes
Virginia Woolf - drowned herself
Vincent Willem van Gogh - shot himself
Kurt Cobain - gun to the head (i think he used a shotgun)
Anne Sexton - dies of carbon monoxide poisoning in the garage of her home
.....suicides have always fascinated me...i'll be adding to this list when i have the time to do so...

Subject - sometimes....
Date - 26th of January

...sometimes, i feel used up and empty, like a silo that was once full of grain to fill the stomachs of hungry children but now stands in an empty field....spotted with holes and rust, about to collapse in on itself......sometimes, i feel like a cloud of smoke that can be seen by others but fails to yield a surface from which one can stand....just floating and swirling in multiple directions, not really going anywhere.....soon to dissipate into the atmosphere......sometimes, i feel grateful for this life...most of the time i despise it....no one ever asked to be born, to suffer the "slings and arrows" of existence and then die......sometimes, i feel like a person who must tolerate consciousness and self-awareness until it passes away into nothing...from nothing....significance is attributed by those who ignore this great existential despair and attempt to justify their life through what ever they can make up for themselves....sometimes, i feel like smashing a claw hammer into my skull.....sometimes, i just feel like getting a bite to eat......sometimes i feel like writing my moronic mindset on some second-rate web site to convince myself it's helping me or someone else....most of the time i feel that the only help i find in life will be death.

Subject - fuck it.....time to really write what i feel....
Date - same day as below

....so...ok.....theories on why i feel the way i do.....my dad.....worked nights when i was a kid to put food on the table.....he wouldn't hurt a fly unless it attacked me or my brother.....worked his ass off.....but he was never really there.....emotionally that is....i've never felt comfortable hugging my father....having a conversation with him is difficult enough......he exists as a dad but there is no substance to our relationship....the stupid word "love" was a mandate......but not something real or tangable to hold on to......it wasn't an option......(why do i think this is all bull shit?)....and then my mother...heh....she hates life yet for some crazy fucking reason decided to have a family.......i wish she didn't.....my memories as a kid are full of trying to please her....trying not to make her angry......trying to keep her from yelling at me or my brother........but it never worked....and i hated her (still do) for it....now i've cut myself off from her.....but she still hurts my brother because for some god damn reason my brother still cares about her......i don't.....i've cut myself off from my mother therefore cutting myself off from being hurt by her.....but unfortunatley my brother is not quite as heartless...i am....people suck....i don't trust them.....but he does..(which is why he has a family).........love is a load of shit, you know what i mean? fuck i'm really drunk and i'm really going to regret what i'm writing.....

Subject - it's not that.....
Date - 20 Jan 2003

......i have it horrible.....fuck.....you ever listen to the stories of kids who grew up with fathers who beat the shit out of them.......worthless fucks who took advantage of their own god damn children....used their trust against them to take advantage of them.....it makes me want to vomit....when i hear about those stories i just want to fucking kill us all.....the human race deserve to be fucking wiped out!!! what a horrible race of worthless creatures we are......anyway......i'm tired of feeling guilty for my despondent interpretation of this life.....why do i? because i'm constantly told by others that i'm wrong..........people tell me there is more to life then this created bull shit reason we create in our minds so we don't go fucking insane......it seems my whole life is centered around justifying its existence.....that's no way to live....however......it's no way to live thinking that it matters either.....you know...i was taught my whole life to avoid conflict at all costs......it didn't fucking matter if you were right or wrong.......it was all irrelevant......my actions centered around not pissing mom off.....which no matter how hard i tried i couldn't do.....i was always making her angry and sad and upset and depressed.....no matter what i did.....what a fucked up son i am huh? what kind of shit bag son would make his own mother want to kill herself????? the answer is me!! i'm the fucking worthless bastard who couldn't do what was necessary to alleviate the pain and anger and arguments that were common when i was growing up......i'm the 24 year old child who can never trust anyone because he knows it's all a facade.....people and relationships all end in betrayal, death, or pain.....so isolation is my only refuge...........shit........i'm drunk.....and i'm going to regret writing all this crap in the morning.....

Subject - evolution of the mind
Date - 15 Jan 2003

i'm such a different person then i was three years ago......and five years ago.....i would have never imagined.....and ten years ago!? i would have condemned myself as a satanic heathen that is destined for eternal suffering in a lake of fire.....funny how things change...huh? it makes me wonder who i will be in five years......will i still believe in the same concepts? will i change for the better...or for the worse? will i finally snap mentally and light myself on fire in the middle of downtown screaming obcenities to the crowds of drones walking to their mindless jobs??.....hummm...an intriguing thought.....no? fuck....despite all this darkness, depression, "woe is me" crap, i feel that i'm shaping into something more...ummm...complex....than i was before.....no, no,.....not complex....evolved.....experienced in the realms of the suffocating atmosphere that is...well....reality.....(i'm toasted right now.....so if this makes sense to you....please join me at the next AA meeting)....everyone talks about finding themselves in this world yet there are few who truly succeed at such a journey.....the rest just succumb.....die in regret..........i wish i could live the life of everyone that has ever existed........what would it be like to be a Jew in Europe in the 1940's?? what would it feel like to die (and i'm not trying to be sick here) at the hands of two homophobes in a secluded field near Laramie Wy.? what knowledge of human existence could you extract if you lived as a salve or a king or Eric Harris? this collage of human life.....kaleidoscope of human interaction that's only been processed in the last few thousand years......could there be something more to understand? or is it all.....just......there for no reason? life happens because.....well.....there is no because......it just happens....is that a hopeless thought....or a truthful one? hummm....i shall ponder this and other philosophical questions while i drink and pass out on the floor.....

Subject - what am i waiting for?
Date - 06 Jan 2003

happy fucking new year!!!......i feel odd......despondent yet determined to move forward...to accomplish what? i have no clue....really i don't....i still hold to the belief that all is vain....yet i have this desire to create something through art...through music....through words.....the darkness never lets up.....i am a speck in a universal arena whose perpetual boundaries are so distant and beyond my understanding that it causes my thinking process to break apart and evaporate as it attempts to wrap itself around the question of what it means to be human.....then the question of WHY simply dissolves any part of my mind that is left sane....my life is static because of my journey in this perpetual arena of thought....for some reason i think i'm going to discover something that will give me the initiative to push forward......but it isn't there.....it never was.....we all have to fabricate that initiative in our minds and pretend that it's something we found, instead of created...i wonder why? perhaps it is associated with our insignificance...and because of that we can't possibly come up with a meaning to life on our own.....(which we do anyway but refuse to believe that the origin of that idea came from within)....god....a being created in the mind.....given substance only in the mind of humans...yet believed by millions to exist beyond the realms of human biology and psychology.....family....those strong ties have strength only in our perspective.....(not in our hearts)....money has value only in a system where everyone interprets it as such.......so despite the knowledge that shifting your perspective can annihilate initiative....how can one define the parameters on which to move forward? deceiving myself seems to be the only way to liberate my mind from this paradox.

Subject - the enemy has been pushed back.....but great was the loss
Date - 21 Dec 2002

well.....judging by the last three posts i would surmise that this battle against depression i've been fighting went ill (no...you don't say??).....yet i'm still here......my frame of mind supporting a different train of thought..for now anyway....i know this "darkness" will always be apart of my life....my battle lies not in purging it but in fighting for control.......i'm feeling better....but i know i will plunge once again into this fight...be ripped apart by my thoughts....my emptiness....but hey....no one said fighting your way out of psychologic hell (whether external or self-created) would be easy.....being apathetic would be easy.....and death sits at the end of either road......so why not die trying? Tolkien put it best when he describes the war with the elves in his books as "the long defeat"....perhaps my destiny parallels that of the elves....perhaps i read too much fantasy fiction....perhaps i just need to get laid (or drunk...or both)

Subject - moving away, closer to something.......something i can not see..but feel
Date - 18 Dec 2002

i sometimes wonder if isolation breeds insanity.......i'm unable to relate to people...their likes....their passions......it means so much to them.....i see it as worthless........my interaction with others is just an act....i create my own loneliness.....i purposely keep people at a distance....every time i get to know someone it becomes clear to me how easily we as humans, including myself, are controlled and manipulated by others.....and we them.....what miserable creatures we are.....i've been slowly severing ties.....letting myself become consumed by whatever is dragging me away....closer to something i have very little knowledge of....i see some beauty in the race of men......but their selfishness....their pointless struggle with existence.....their weakness.....our weakness......our conceited way of thinking....that we matter.....that we have a purpose in the grand scheme of things.......we consume....we shit...we destroy, then create only to destroy again.....we fuck and propagate...spreading our disease....our sorrow...our pain....god's universal blunder.......i ask you honestly.....what "good" can come from this doomed experiment called humanity? the past yells from the grave an answer no one wants to hear...the suffering of future generations can end before it begins, if we could only.....never mind....i'm full of shit........i'm just a drunk'n malcontent who needs to be beaten to death....that would be nice....what the fuck do i know? who the fuck am i to have a say in anything? i'm controlled just like everyone else.....i'm nothing.....screaming nonsense at nothing.............that's all i feel........nothing......it's where we are all moving towards.....

Subject - suicide
date - 17 Dec 2002

oh yes....my favorite subject.....one i keep hidden from my family because it's too fucking disturbing...(hence the name...hidden void)....can't really blame them i suppose....can't tell em how i really feel.....numb....empty.....alone, even around people....angry.....tired....deceived....manipulated.....there is but one escape!!
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them. To die- to sleep-
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die- to sleep.
...Shakespeare knew....are you not more brave to look death in the face?...to feel death stare back into your eyes....to understand your fragile mortality.....death's cold eyes penetrate your facade.....your life is truly meaningless....water vapor....a defense mechanism you have created for yourself to live and fuck and spawn more miserable creatures...and then die.....bliss after years of suffering to no end except more suffering....is it not more courageous to stare back into the black space that is your life and slowly extend the middle finger with a subtle smile....then pull the trigger.... every fucking reason i've heard from counselors...parents...friends...family....preachers...philosophers....can all be explained away.....there isn't a reason humans can't break down and analyse and find flaws and deceit....no one has the answers.....everyone else is just as lost as me.....they've just convinced themslelves differently....self-deceit and ignorance is the only way to sayve yourself!!!!! we must all become slaves to our environment to survive....to live....to endure.....and for what? to procreate....begin the cycle once again for another poor soul who didn't ask to be born in the first place....fuck that! i find ways to deal with my depression......writing....playing music....drinking....but nothing can dismantle the cause.....it will always exist as long as humans believe there is more to life outside of their own perception and existence.....

Subject - FUCK OFF!
Date - 02 Dec 2002

......if anyone tells you they "care"....tell them (in the nicest possible way of course) to "go n fuck yurself in de arse ya daft cunt!!!".....there are very few out there that fucking care (it's hard to separate the B.S. from the genuine thing)......and the few that do.....don't really fucking understand....and if they did....they wouldn't bother...they would all walk away....they would all run back to their happy little lie...believing like all the other hard working cunts that their life means shite! (i've been reading Irvine Welsh) no one gives a shite about you unless your related....or have money....or serve some sort of purpose in THEIR life like a friend to whine and bitch to when life gets "to difficult." they've always told us we need someone to confide in don't they.....(i'm just as guilty.....i'm not different from the rest of you cunts....except, perhaps, that i admit my fallacies) what they don't understand is that it doesn't matter how difficult life is...who you have to "help" you through life........it's still shite one way or the other....family members are distractions...a way to stay sane.....or perhaps the opposite as family serves mostly as the epicenter for devastating arguments....emotional blackmail...pain and regret....more inner suffering, turmoil, and hurt exercised on blood relative than any non-blooded bloke could ever hope to create......all thrown together in the suffocating glass jar that is your sorry excuse for an existence.....and friends?? they come and they go.....any real connection with a friend is ultimately severed by death or betrayal.....or boredom.....in the end, YOUR the only one you can truly rely on.....trust ends at the borders of your mind.....and your just a daft cunt like myself....and all the others....not a fucking clue in the world about anything real, but fighting like hell to believe so.....or fighting like hell to forget.....like most of the other fucks i see everyday.....friendship.....love.....these are not the answers anymore than alcohol, drugs or religions are the answer.........there are no answers....externally or internally......it's all shite and i'm a daft cunt of an arse to believe otherwise......

Sugject - long hard road....
Date - 25 Nov 2002

hello there......been a while since i've posted anything on this page....though i have been writing entries in a notebook i keep with me at work and school....i haven't had the time to move them here.....humm....it's about five in the evening and i have to be at work at 10 tonight....can't sleep....my mind sometimes runs and runs in circles...i can't slow down my though process....it just keep dwelling over life....depression...happiness...meaning....finding purpose....finding a reason to get up in the morning and clean my apartment and work hard in school....i'm slowly discovering there seems to be no answers that are external...i'm finding that people look within and find something.......some ledge or rock to wrap their fingers around to keep from being consumed by life.....swallowed whole by the deadly chasm.....it's somewhere in there that i've found the will to fight....my depression has gone on for too long.....i'm tired of brooding....i have depression (yea...i know....your shocked)...and whether it's from my own dysfunctional cognitive thinking, or lack of serotonin levels in the brain, or perhaps i just need to "get my head out of my ass" i have to do something actively about it.....so this site is now becoming a record of my struggle with this highly misunderstood condition.....i'm tired of being stagnate....it ends here...one way or the other.....i have three options to deal with depression....one option i can no longer entertain as a possibility because...well...i would hurt those few close to me if i ended my life.....another option is apathy.....to just sit back and suffer day by day by day by fucking day....which is what i've been doing for the past ten years or so.....the final option is to fight back.......fight back without loosing my sense of self and where i've come from....i've gained some ground....won some battles in the past couple weeks.....but the war is far from over.....probably never will be.....but that thing that's in me....the internal reason i suppose is my need to create.....and to communicate to others through art...through music....through by web site......do something with my life i can find meaning in.....instead of just breathing and eating out of habit.....reacting to my environment like a lab rat.....behaviorism.....the total absence of self....that could be true.....but one thing i've discovered is no one else has the answers to life's fundamental questions for anyone, except themselves....you really do have to create your own reason to live, because no one else out there can tell you....

Subject - "i hate myself and i want to die." - kurt cobain
Date - 11 Nov (posted Dec 2nd)
[the following is an edited re-print from my notebook]
die....i want to fucking die right now.....hummmm....my mind seems to be screaming at me right now as i sit here in my truck, the sunlight filling the cab, warming my skin and clothes....i can't spell out a reason for why i want to die.....never really could....it's just there...empty and void...consuming my thoughts....i've become obsessed with the idea....running the scenario over and over in my head...how i would die....who would find my lifeless body....the mess...who would clean in up?.....they wonder..'why did he do that?'.....some would say that a suicide is selfish....i think your the fucking selfish one....asking someone to live in mental agony so you can get on with your life without any major problems.....you fucking fools....do you not see the others who suffer in vain for YOU!!??? yes....for your sorry ass millions of people who would love to end it all don't....because they don't want to upset you......who's fucking selfish here?? no...i'm ask'n you!!......you just don't get it, yet your quick to judge you fucking prick...dead within yet playing along to placate to the rest of the world......no one asked for this shit you know....if i was given a choice....i would of said...no fucking way am i going through all that human existence bull shit......but alas...i can't...i just sit here write this crap and pretend it matters.....

Subject - splintered thoughts
Date - 09 Nov 2002 (posted Dec 2nd)

[the following is an edited re-print from my notebook]
|..............we all make the mistake of believing that we can somehow predict and therefore react to the environment around us....we think that there is something out there to find that will make us complete...whole.....that there is some destiny cut out as a mold for us to fill.......this foolish mindset (or is it foolish not to believe?) as a way of justifying my actions....|
|................we cling to life with no hope of ever evading death's foreboding shadow...to try to become our own substance is folly....we are nothing more than a product of the engine of society.....alive but suffering with that knowledge.....awaiting death....yearning for the end.............|
|..........if you destroyed the circumstances that made you who you are today in an attempt to discover who you really are.....would you not destroy yourself in the process?............|
|..........if you had the choice between failing horribly at something you wanted to do in life, or succeding at something that you hate........would you want the broken shards of your dreams inbedded in your face, or strewn about on a road you never traveled?.....|

Subject - spiritual rouge
Date - 05 Nov 2002

...i've been told by several people that my predicament is not unique....there are thousands...perhaps millions that are searching for more that just this empirical world of emptiness.....like the picture on my site....you're not alone, yet so very alone...which is so very true.....everywhere i look i see people following a religion as a way of coping with the reality of death....faith brings false hope for an afterlife....an empty reason to live this life......i can understand why so many follow....but i can't do that until i verify what is true and what are lies.....all i've found are lies....deceit...judgment...i'm a wonderer without a home, a rouge without refuge...all i have is an endless road i must travel until death comes and ends my doomed quest....and that doesn't depress me as much as those i see on the side of the road, thinking they have found the answer.....chastising my journey.......it seems they have just closed there eyes to the darkness because the pain of knowing that all is vain is too disturbing....and i see some use that fear against others to manipulate individuals into their way of thinking.....why can't they just let them be? we all have our roads to travel.....i guess some would rather be in the company of the deceived than a vagabond.... searching for something beyond the scope of man's knowledge or invented spiritual understanding...knowing that there is nothing to find....

Subject - so many lives
Date - 26 Oct

it disturbs me.....so many lives and histories.....people that live their life honestly...work 40 hour weeks for their family...mom's and dad's.....doing what's right....but life screws them.......life falls out from under them.....and it all comes to an end....for what??? FOR WHAT??? people that do the right thing are crushed under life........fuck......i don't feel like writing anymore....

Subject - not sure yet
Date - the 24th day of the month of October within the year 2002
i'm trying REAL hard to focus my attention on the little things in my life.....day by day kind of attitude....despite the fact that i think this life is meaningless (which, i do admit over and over...could be a skewed perception....but real to me none the less)does that negate the little pleasures in life? i love reading....i love books.....i try to be grateful that i can read and comprehend for there are many out there that can't....or can but choose not to.....eating.....i should be grateful i can eat...and afford to eat...there are those that are starving to death...they can't imagine a life that doesn't include stomach pains.......i try not to let the thought enter my mind..."who the hell are you to enjoy food and shelter? you worthless cunt!"....i can't help but wonder if someone else could take my place and do something with the resources that are available to me and do something....i don't know.....meaningful with it? better than i'm doing right now.......instead that person dies alone on the streets and i sit in my room and pout and feel sorry for myself....perhaps the only way for me to survive in this little paradigm i've created for myself is to adapt or mutate a form of Gestalt psychology (the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts)....i've distorted it by stating that the individual parts are greater than the whole....or the sum of the parts......the actual experience of staying up late all night, drinking caffeine and learning about philosophy, is greater than the paper you write the next day or the grade you get back from the teacher....you follow? so...even though this life will end in death and there really is no reason to live life.....(unless you create one in your mind and pretend it's something external)...you can at least enjoy a good book...or meal....or a simple walk.....i'm breaking everything down into sections......individual components......because to look at the whole...at the future....is just too disturbing.....

Subject - i'm tired (part III)
Date - 21st of October

i'm tired of reading some of these post and thinking to myself what a looser i must be
i'm tired of trying to justify what i write despite how i feel towards these posts
i'm tired of feeling inadequate in this world of lies, illusions, and empty promises
i'm tired of coming to the conclusion that every action, every accomplishment, is empty in of itself.....and even if somehow i can assemble these shards into something whole-it would resemble some pathetic attempt to define what my life represents.....a distorted product-cultivated out of years and years of experience, knowledge, application, wants, work, looses, everything that lies dormant in the past (revived only in the shadows of my memory).
i'm tired of looking into what i may become, nothing but a defeated and worthless human who tried to discover something outside of his life that wasn't tainted with bias or hidden agendas or deceitful vilification or validation for one's philosophy.
i'm tired of looking within for something more than the emptiness that robs me of enjoyment or even ambivalence of this life-i find what can only be described as a void that swallows every thought....external or internal......
i'm tired of not being able to except myself or my role in the environment that controls me
......all i can do is move forward from day to day...my eyes glassy and red....sunk into black circles that represent my demeanor....

Subject - deadly combination
Date - 18 Oct. 2002

shit.....can't believe i wrote that crap below....drinking and depression are about as safe as drinking and driving...oh well.....i'm awake now....with a hangover...feeling really shitty....but not so angry or upset.....just regretful.....i should stop benge drinking by myself.....i start drinking and i don't stop until i pass out....like last night.....i woke up under my computer desk.....and don't even remember laying down..he....and that is why i will never do H because I KNOW i'd get hooked....anyway....i have an essay to write for english.....later....

Subject - honesty is the best policy.......right?
Date - 18 Oct. 2002

why is it that when i'm drunk....like i am right now.....i'm honest with you, the reader and with the rest of the world???? i don't know.......inhibitions have been surpassed and trivialized like they should be.....for the true emotion that brews within me is now boiling over into this tirade......which does what?? i don't fucking know....reflection perhaps?? substantial?? does the previous word exist??? conflict saddens me to no end.....i almost hit a guy on the road today....went to turn right....he was behind me......he tried to speed his way in front of me and i almost hit him when i went to turn right....he stopped before we hit......but what made me so angry....what made me cry on my way home was how he hated me.......he yelled at me from his window calling me names........and i ignored him....but it still made me so very sad.....i wasn't trying to hit him or make him mad......yet he hated me with all his heart.......he told me he was going to report me to the police and tell them what a horrible driver i was.....don't you understand man i wans't trying to hit you or make you upset....yet you hate me!!! WHY???? i don't hate you!!! WHY do you harbor such animosity towards me??? you anger towards me makes me want to die.....................perhaps that is why i think all is vain....i care too much about what others think......my weakness is now revealed....and i lack the fuel necessary to move forward in this life.......i'm tired of writing....i need a drink.....i know alcohol isn't the answer, but it helps me forget all these fucking questions and doubts.....

Subject - just like all the crazies
Date - 18 Oct.

i'm surrounded by individuals who really don't fucking understand what i'm trying to communicate to them....i'm yelling at them my worthless tirade and they just shake their fucking head and shrug their shoulders and say something stupid that doesn't fucking mean anything real but it's just what you say when you meet or talk to someone who's really in pain and you don't want to deal with it because you've got your own problems which is fine and all....but i'm so lonely in my insanity and i'm not sure anymore if i've just created it for myself to feel important or think that i have a different perspective that is more accurate than everyone's narow minded fucking opinion.......like all those GOD DAMN religious christian ass holes that judge and tell everyone what they should be doing because they know so much better....FUCK.....everything can be justified......every point of view makes sense if you're willing to see it that way....therefor absolutes become a luxury in reality to cope with the darkness that is now clouding my eyes......and seeping into my broken and lifeless heart........i can't move anywhere because i can criticize every move i should make....MY GOD....i've turned into my fucking mother.....PLEASE NO!!!!!i'd rather burn in hell for all of eternity then hurt the people in my life that matter to me like my fucking mother did because she was hurting so much inside because her fucking parents said she was a mistake.....i cry for her suffering because i now understand she could never seek help......which doesn't justify the things she said to me and my brother....but fuck.......death would be a blessing in this family....he....HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Subject - validation
Date - 17 Oct.

....that's what i need.....validity for life in general......well...you know what? there isn't any...unless you make it up....hahahaHA!!! the fucking worthlessness of my existence justifies my anger for it....and my animosity i can't direct anywhere but myself.....i am the cause of my dissolution....HAHA....i wish that one day i would actually matter to the world.....but i know better....i wish one day that i could make a difference.......nothing but false hopes keeping me alive now....i have all these things and yet i want to die.......don't understand people's drive to move forward in this life of so much suffering and pain written on the faces and eyes of almost everyone i meet.......FUCK.....i have NO VALIDATION for this path i'm on.....it's an excuse to feel something....and whether it's false or not doesn't matter....because my depression, like other people's happiness, is just a way to look past the numb, emotionless existence that is life an actually think to yourself that this life is worth living and has some meaning, whether good or bad.....that's all it is.....a fucking crutch.....there is not a week that goes by that i don't wish death would find me......and there's not a week that goes by that i don't feel guilty about hating the life that has been given to me.....and there's not a week that goes by that the pain within makes me cry in the darkness of my room....alone.....singular.....the way i have chosen to be......my choice is to live alone...i have no connection with humanity.....i will die cold and alone......if you want to do me a favor......come over to my place....empty a clip into my chest....trust me....i won't care.......

Subject - the vicissitude of a day
Subject - 16 Oct 2002

what's up fuckers??! i've been feeling strange this month. my bouts of depression don't last as long but when they hit......shit.....there simply isn't a proper vocabulary that could describe what i feel at times.....for example.....the other day i was in bed and the alarm goes off....i hit the snooze and close my eyes for what seems to be two seconds then the alarm goes off......snooze...sleep.....alarm..snooze......sleep....alarm...snooze....sleep....alarm...cussing...then i pull my lazy ass out of bed......i stumble into the bathroom, turning the lights on as move along (i do that on purpose....i work nights....literal darkness always surrounds me....and the lights seem to help me from smashing my face into the wall from depression)...in the shower i start crying for no reason....i don't really fucking know why.....i just start crying...then i stop, wondering where the hell that came from, and get out of the shower.....i get dressed, jump in my truck and head off to work......when i arrive i smile and make jokes with everyone and i'm feeling pretty damn good....i brought some left over Chinese food and i through it in the microwave as i tie my tie.....i eat my food while i answer phone answering stupid questions and bullshiting with the rest of the night crew.....again...i'm feeling fine.....i start to get a bit tired so i take my break and walk around the building to wake up......it's then i come across these promotional photos for seniors investing their retirement money to live a "happy life".....there are pictures of old folk looking out windows, sitting in nursing homes.......and i start to examine the people in the pictures more closely....their bodies wrinkled and weak...they look so fragile...and their eyes!!! you can see they know it's the end for them.....the end of everything...of life....i imagine myself as one of the seniors looking out the window at a world they never really understood....seventy years means nothing in the vast timeline of humanity....happily fooling ourselves.....the depression hit me hard.....i know it's silly to become despondent over a few pictures of some elders....but man i couldn't shake it.....the feeling followed me to school...my mind transcends any type of stable platform to think from.....it seems to be shifting through realities that are...well making me fucking nuts at times......anyway....i'm not sure if there is a point to this tirade.......just rambling.....rambling helps!!...but it doensn't solve anything........nothing solves anything...

Subject - before letting go (a journal entry from a mind lost to this world)
Date - 9 Oct. 2002

....it's begun my friend.....i can see into what others only hope to glimps.......the future of the world has been made clear to me......last night the darkness revealed itself.....it's presence so powerful it almost collapsed my mind.....it consumed my thoughts......still does......for it is the truth....or at least it is my truth........i once bought into the lie of happiness........i once attempted to discover a world, opposite of what I see, that was ripe with purpose......the darkness showed me my weakness....my fallacy....i must now communicate to those ignorant fools what this life entails!! my god...there are so many lives I see every day that are empty and alone....and they deny their emptiness and assume the acting role to distract themselves from what they can't accept......i must force their vision into a clearity....into reality.....into the total and utter truth of our existence......it doesn't fucking matter what you do or say or live.......death will claim your accomplishments.....desspairation will continue to be your companion until then......no matter how much you choose to ignore what you are, the darkness will continue to endure long after your fucking dead body rots away into OBLIVION!!!! YOU FUCKING BLIND IMBICELS.....DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT I SEE....PAIN AND SUFFERING THAT NO AMOUNT OF LOVE, FROM HUMANS OR SOME CREATED GOD, CAN PROVIDE. IT WILL NEVER DISSOLVE!!! WE ALL LIVE A LIFE OF QUIET DESSPERATION.....BELIEVING IN VAIN THAT CONTINUING THIS POINTLESS ENDEAVOR IS SOMEHOW WORTH THE EMOTIONAL TOURCHIER WE ALL EXPERIENCE WHEN WE REALIZE THAT DEATH TAKES US ALL AWAY!!!!!!

Subject - perspective in flux
Date - 7th of Oct.

It's a bit disturbing to me how my disposition can change so rapidly sometimes. I could be feeling fine one hour and the next I violently plummet deeper into the abyss. My mind tries desperately to understand by shifting my perception almost constantly. I analyze, criticize, and break down everything in my life. It's a bit like a group of guys sitting at a table at a bar. An issued is dropped on the table and each person give's his opinion using his own reasoning. I've don't know which one of those voices is mine and which one is just a result of my environment....or are they all me....or what?

Voice #1 - "Think about it guys......all this...everything around us...the noise...the conversations...the love...the anger....all of it is meaningless.....a pointless endeavor in which....."
Voice #2 - "Will you SHUT THE FUCK UP!! I'm sick of all your bull shit reasoning......wake up fucker...pull your head out of your ass will ya!"
Voice #5" - "Hey....wait a sec....i want to hear more from #1"
Voice #2 - "Well misery loves company! You two can fuck each other in your own little pity party!!"
Voice #3 - (to voice #1) - "Dude, you just need to lighten up man......stop taking things so fucking seriously and just live your life day to day....meaning or not..."
Voice #1 - "I can't just 'live life!' There needs to be a basis for my actions that's beyond the reaction of circumstances.....beyond mere instinct."
Voice #2 - "WHAT?!"
Voice #4 - "You just want a purpose to existence right?"
Voice #1 - "I guess so."
Voice #4 - "And if you had that purpose, do you think your depression will disappear?"
Voice #1 - "I'm not depressed....at least I don't think so.....and the problem is you can't formulate a purpose that is secure of scrutiny."
Voice #2 - "oh god.......YOU are your own problem you stupid fuck!"
Voice #3 - "Yes you can #1....don't be so nieve."
Voice #4 - "Yea....and unfortunately #2 has a point....your defeating yourself man....your giving up the fight before your even in the ring."
Voice #1 - "Wrong dude.....I've been in the fucking ring for too many years...I've fought and fought and fought and fucking fought my heart out....there is no point to it all....I've been bleeding for years from the wounds inflicted upon me...my face is distorted and warped from the hits and bruises...my opponent has successfully defeated me and i only continue to fight just to say I tried....."
Voice #2 - "ahhh....let's all collect some money and shed a tear for your poor horrible existence....god."
Voice #4 - "Who do you think this 'opponent' is?"
Voice #1 - "........i don't know.....i guess I can only describe it as reality....life has no fucking point....except maybe death.......in one word...Darkness." (to be cont.)

Subject - beyond the surface of things
Date - 2nd of October

....i feel that i must explain to you something i have neglected to mention that concerns the purpose of this web site and this page in particular. The "Deadly Chasm" is but a reflection of how i feel about this outside world. A world that seems, at times, to exist only in my mind. You see the origin of my laments, the catalyst that pushes forward the whining and bitching presented on this page, is not the subjects of what I rant about. It would be foolish, in my eyes, to let the trivial obstacles and sorrows of this life to utterly control one's direction. i have yet to meet anyone who hasn't worked a shitty job just to get by. I don't believe there is anyone who hasn't been lied to by someone they trusted or had problems with their family that are overwhelmingly upsetting. I don't think there is anyone who hasn't been weary of money difficulties, hurtful relationships, feelings of hopelessness in the face of adversity, feelings of disappointment in others and in themselves. All these things can be used as an excuse to feel depressed. Fuck, there are thousands of people out there, right now as i write these words, that are starving to death, or freezing to death on the streets because they have no home and no one gives a shit about them. There are people right now that are being murdered and tortured and killed all over the world. What the hell do i have to feel sad about? A friend of mine told me a few days ago at work that people who are depressed are nothing more than individuals who feel sorry for themselves and their situation. They want attention and lack the initiative to move forward. I came to the conclusion from his remark that we all have our problems, but some just don't want to cope because they enjoy the little pity party they have thrown for themselves. i agree to a point, i do see people acting in their own little drama of "woe is me!" and i can't help but wonder if i am equally guilty of such actions. Perhaps i am. Perhaps this site, my entire depressive mood is brought on by no one else but me. Perhaps i am solely responsible for the darkness that shrouds my vision and hinders my movement. The truth is i'm not sure anymore. What i do know, however, is that the origin of my cynicism was not born out of family problems as a child or shitty jobs or anyone other difficulty we all face in this life as humans. Barring again that this is all created in my mind so i can feel sorry for myself, the origin falls far beyond the surface of these "trivial" problems. It comes down to (i guess) WHY these problems exist in the first place. WHY must we humans suffer (some a lot more than others) so much only to be presented with death as an award for all our hard work? It's the emptiness, which is an integrated substance of everything we do, that upsets me and brings me at times to tears cried in the lonely darkness of my apartment. It's trying to understand why i am me, and you're you. Are we parts that function to some greater whole? Now this is where things gets scary for i can already hear my past screaming in my ear like upset parents scathing their children. You see, the people from the past would smirk (if not openly then to themselves) and gladly answer that god and the bible and the church can easily provide an answer to my query. They would simply (and some smugly) surmise that god, and only god, can provide meaning and i must simply, and actively, search for his truth. The truth of existence as explained in the bible. Once i do that i will understand and become at peace with myself and the world. As a little boy i did. At the age of five i could quote scripture and provide hope to those who were hurting inside. AT the age of twelve i would minister to younger kids and put a smile on their faces when i told them god loved them and cared for them and there was a reason (that only god knew of course) for all the heartache and suffering in this world. And then it happend.....i BEGAN TO THINK FOR MYSELF! (Ahhhhhhh!....thinking, the undermining factor of any religion!) When i was a teenager i began to question my faith. I began to disagree with certain aspects of the church and some conclusions the pastor taught concerning the accuracy of the bible. Even though i had (age of 16, and in front of the church) dedicated my life to god to become a pastor, i couldn't help but wonder if this was truly the answer the world needed to save itself. my study of the bible only deepened my questions. Slowly, right before my eyes, the absolutes of the bible became opinions. Passages became interpretations used to judge the world. i couldn't understand how two very different churches that used the same bible would come up with such opposing conclusions. In short, i saw the bible not as cornerstone for life, but as a tool that was created by man to give himself purpose and meaning. i still see that in the Torah, the Koran (sp?), the Book of Mormon, and all the other books that claim to be the truth in a world of uncertainties.

i can now only come to the conclusion that despite all my devotion to god and the bible, it provided nothing more than a temporarily (if not fake) release from the burden of defining one's self in a world of relative truths. Is skewed perception necessary to avoid the emptiness of this world, or is skewed perception the cause of the emptiness in this world? You see, it's not the job, or the family issues, or the ass holes i meet everyday that treat others with contempt. Its the reasons behind it all....or should i say the lack of reason behind it all. My tirade emerges out of screams for an accurate description of why this world functions as it does.....and my only answers are half truths and forced opinions riddled with hidden agendas. The voice never comes from "above" but from those, here on earth just like me, who claim to know better when they don't. That is why i feel "so fucking low you want to fucking top yourself" ( Trainspotting). I'm fully aware that problems come and go and that there are moments of happiness that fill my life from day to day. But all the happiness and all the sadness and all the things that make this life what it is are all vain to me....and my dispossession only worsens when people tell me they have the answer but have yet to prove it to me (because faith is essential, right? or is faith fooling yourself into false beliefs that can never be verified?).

All i can do now is continue to move forward with this darkness eating away at me. I continue to read and search for knowledge but i can't help but think i'll never rid myself of this despondency, this bleak outlook, until i die. Perhaps only then i'll discover what i yearn for everyday of my life. Or perhaps, as some people will have me believe, it will be too late for that and i'll burn in hell for all of eterniy.....either way, it doesn't help me much in the here and now.

Subject - simile / metaphor
Date - 29th of September

Life is like a serrated blade seated on the edge of your mind, slowly twisting and turning beneath the skin. You scream from the pain as it slices apart all reason for moving forward. Blackness threatens to dominate your vision as you grab at the handle that sits at an angle on top of your scalp. About to pass out, you wrap both hands around the handle to pull.....but hesitate, for the decision to pull the steel out would precipitate a guaranteed result. Blood would quickly retreat from the flesh through the open wound, flowing away from your corpse as a crimson stream, contaminated with truths no heart could hope to breath without collapsing in on itself. Continue forward with the knife still logged in your mind, or pull it out and let your body fall onto the ground where it will rot away into nothing but distant memories for others. i dislike both options. My head slowly lowers to my chest with the knowledge that a third option would only be imaginary, a coping mechanism for reality.

There is nothing that can relinquish that which is needed to comprehend this pitted landscape that is our brief existence, with its mysteries shrouded by a thick blanket of mist born out of our ultimate ignorance. Futhermore, even if some method could be extracted from the darkness, all effort would be in vain. For there is nothing hidden out there that can disengage, from the darkness, a harvest of absolutes one could use to facilitate a meaning, a reason, and a perception that is infallible.

Subject - stuck
Date - 26th Sep.

i can't move....and it doesn't matter how much i want to move....to break myself out of my position...i can't do it....i'm caught within this way of living, the structure of my life is set....and the only way to change it would be to destroy the frame....break down all of what i know....all of what i use to support my inane life...all those reasons i create formyself to continue on the path i'm on.....i wish i could find a way to relinquish those reasons...i want to rip myself apart and start over....i want to fall beyond any sense of self.....i want to destroy all that i can or could ever hope to understand so that i may begin again, with the knowledge i have now........i want to dissolve into a stream of particles that harnesses my essense and manipulates my flesh into a new form from that is not just a reactionary component of society's expectations.......i want to destroy myself in order to discover a valid reason to move forward....i want something that seems to only exist in my mind....i want something the world can not provide......truth.

Subject - my own purgatory
Date - 17th of Sep

i look around at all these wonderful creative and artistic expressions of life, of being human....bought the book Lullaby.....so far a great book....and you know i have all these ideas floating around in my head....stabbing me in the back of my mind....and i want to create.....i want to write..i want to create music....i want to express....but i can't follow through...i start stories...i begin to write music...but it dies....maybe it's because i'm lazy....or because i lack motivation....my interest dwindles away into nothing....my desire flames up quickly then extinguishes out in a puff of black smoke...shit....if only i could stay focused....maybe i could do something with this sorry excuse of a life i have....but the pointlessness of it all......perhaps that's what keeps me...

Subject - ripples in the water
Date - the 8th

you know i've noticed recently that death seems to facinate me (yea..i know....big revelation!) but honestly...some of my favorite books and movies deal with death...and how those affected by it cope.....movies like "In The Bedroom", the upcoming "Moonlight Mile", the sceen where Gandalf dies in "LOTR", all these deal with death and the reprocussions of such an event......last year...about this time...my eyes where glued to the news.....watching interviews....one i remember in particular was with an owner of a business located in the WTC....he lost hundreds of workers.....i remember him weeping and saying over and over.."so many famlies....so many famlies....so many families...." it's a face and voice i will never forget.......his pain was shared by me....thousands of miles away......i cried with him during his interview.....and it is times like those that i actually feel something that's real....that hits the core of being human....not love, happiness, or "positive thinking"....but pain...raw, harsh, heart drowning pain!! heh...god i need therapy

Subject - 10 years is all i want
Date - it's the 7th of fucking September.....why do you care?

....i wish i could go back in time just ten years and meet myself....i'd watch me walk around my school at the age of 14....young pathetic little me with my back curved like a hunting bow...head down...avoiding eye contact.....i'd wait until the younger me was walking down a secluded hallway and i'd walk right up behind the smaller version of me and connect a crowbar to the knee at an extreme velocity....young worthless me would go down with a yell, grabbing the broken knee and looking up just in time to see the older me drop another blow from the crowbar down on the other knee with even more force...the poor helpless younge me would yell even louder and scream for the older me to stop and i'd lean over my younger self and press the crowbar longways across the throat...the younger me choking, unable to breath or fight back with the older, stronger me.....i'd hold my face inches from my younger version and say, "you stupid little shit! you think you've got it all figured out don't you?" the younger me, full of pain and surprise would eek out "w--w--what??"...then the older me would push down on the bar with even more force and watch the face of the younger me grow bright red and i'd say, "you fucking naive cunt of a christian.....so judgmental and sure of yourself aren't you!" the younger me would just whine to my older self and say, "pp-p-please...s-stop...ll-eeave me---alo--ne!" and then i'd spit in the face of my younger self in disgust and get back up on my feet and begin dropping blow after blow with the crowbar on the younger me......with each hit the teenage version of me would scream louder and louder from the pain...the unheard cries bouncing off the walls of the empty hallway...the bones snapping and breaking into pieces... making the sound of ballons held to close to a flame....blood and bile would begin to spray out of the mouth with each agonizing scream as broken ribs punctured internal organs....about to go into shock, little young me would lift his bewildered eyes to the sky and begin to pray for help or for forgiveness, asking why this was happening and the older me would stop briefly to listen to the lament to god and i would smile and tell him, "believe me kid, i'm doing you a favor."...and with that i'd plunge the crowbar six inches deep into the face of the younger version....the last push of breath, right before death, would blow bubbles of blood between the bar and mangled flesh and bone that was once the face of a 14 year old burden to society....then the older me would disapear out of existence, laughing at the absurdity of it all.

Subject - is it art or is it crap?
Date - 6th

A river, born of solitude, flows beneath the surface of me
Its jetting streams winding out of my mind as tears falling from my eyes
While ponds of wasted emotion gather on either side of the embankment
Their surfaces covered with the thick film of regret
A stagnant, sludge that blocks the sun and robs the water of its warmth
The course of this river is determined not by me
But by the environment in which it thrives
Its waters bubbling, churning away bit by bit my hopes
my stability,
my sanity,
It constantly changes the paths my hollow heart yearns to travel
Leaving me at times, lost in a wilderness of my own creation
I struggle forward while walls of tress surround and block all other paths,
I try, in vain, to focus on what lies ahead
My body, cold and damp from sorrow, shakes from within
I wipe away the salt from my eyes with hands peppered with blisters
I stop and look at the world i've created around me
And let the river carry me away to whatever destiny i have shaped for myself.

Subject - ....insomnia.....
Date - September 4th

ok...i lied....i fell asleep for about two hours then woke up from an bizzar dream (you don't want to know), then couldn't go back to sleep....not a good thing...for work is about 2.5 hours away....it's going to be a looong night.....sigh.....i'm stuck in this pattern like a dog chasing its tail....just like everyone else.....i want to break free....but to where? should i sell everything i own (which would garner about five or ten dollars) live on a mountain and eat tasteless bread and meditate 18 hours a day? should i travel the county with nothing but the clothes on my back, asking everyone i meet from Maine to Cali what the purpose of life is? maybe join a cult..i know they are looking for people like me to show me the way to enlightenment (after, of course, i give up everything, work for them for free and promise to die on command-for the group good of course).....change would be good and for a moment i might think i found something others have not.....but i know better...it would turn into routine just like my life is now....quiet desperation....the glow of newness would fade to a dull gray and the familiar sharp pain of reality would continue to dissolve my resolve....so i'm going to leave you and mindlessly surf the internet right now, not because i can't think of a more productive way to spend my time, but because i can't think of a good enough reason to do anything else.....

Subject - aloof
Date - Sep. 4th

....can't sleep....i have to be at work in about 8 hours and i'll be lucky if i get an hour or two of rest....once again i'm at the point where breathing is a chore.....i don't even want to look at people anymore....they make me so sad....and it's not because of them, it's just my perception......ever sit at a red light and look into the faces of those caught in the same traffic as you? i find myself surrounded by all these lives...each one with a history of joy and sorrow....each one with fears and desires...i see some talking endlessly with their friends, their hands swinging into the air to amplify their words before returning to the steering wheel when the green light gives them permission to move ahead......i see families struggling to relate to one another in a cramped mini-van eating cheese burgers and fries on their way to a little league game or a school play.....i see that lonely business person that i would swear has been cloned a million times and placed at each intersection as entertainment for those (like myself) who happen to observe.....he/she sits, not paying attention to the traffic or lights, talking (sometimes yelling) into the cell phone, about to slam his/her fist through the windshield from the stress i see in his/her eyes(but hey....making large sums of money and driving a BMW....so i guess it's all worth it).....this is but a sample of lives....of people who will soon become a small part of earth's history...some not even that....and my chest caves in on itself and i drive home and hide away from this lonely world.....a quiet penetrating loneliness that slowly seeps into my mind....it sticks to everything like snow, falling from the sky and cooling any desire i have to continue......i can be in a crowded bar or concert and still feel its presence...laughing at its ability to be made known is such a large crowd.....anyway....i'm not sure if there is a point to this post....(like there is a point to anything!! ha!) i'm going to lay down now and stare at the ceiling for about seven hours and when i finally do get to sleep my alarm clock will go off and i'll drag my worthless ass to work (fun!) with circles under my eyes and people will ask how my weekend went i'll tell them it went fine because if i tell them the truth......they'll laugh nervously and walk away, or just ignore me because they want to continue the illusion they have created for their own weekends...like they actually mean something other than reprieve from work....and i'm reminded of those stickers you see that say "I'd rather be fishing" or "I'd rather be racing" or "I'd rather be cumming" and I can't help but laugh just a little at the sticker i put on my truck that states "I'd rather be slicing my wrists"....simply because there is too much honesty in the statement.....honesty that no one wants to hear.

Subject - just two things
Date - 3rd Sep. 2002

went hiking in the woods the other day....that landscape of mother nature's embrace, bestowed on the few who look into her eyes....no....look through her eyes and see themselves....a small creature that's briefly coming to the realization of how little they are.....no different from a lonely aspen that quakes in the cool wind....one out of a million aspens.....and no matter how hard you shake....no one really notices..or cares......i was there a few days ago....and as i stood there i saw two aspects buried deep beneath the soil of my narrow perception.....beauty/sorrow......like two great beams supporting the weight of reality, they lay as a hidden foundation....i see beauty in many things....the darkness and emptiness overshadow the few bits that peak through....but they are there.....undeniable.....however, the other aspect is sorrow......sorrow because the beauty is not external....it does not exist outside of my life.......and when my existence comes to an end....that beauty, which is locked withing my head, giving me the very few moments of quiet contentment i can actually acknowledge without pain......it will die with me......all that beauty comes to an end.....it comes to an end every day, following the deaths of those who are no more, like an army marching into the guns, their screams stifled by the sorrow that pours out of their minds, and their hearts.

Subject - hidden void
Date - 23 Aug 2002

there is no hopeful or fulfilling future.......for me anyway.....the future is bleak to me...at best....and it's not, mind you, because it doesn't exist for me....it's there....i fully believe that if i focused my mind and moved my body with determination, taking the necessary steps, i could accomplish just about anything (baring death or some other unforeseen obstacle). the reason my future is inane isn't because i don't ask my self how to accomplish and grab my "dreams." you can always find out how (the trick is finding out who to ask). but I ask myself the question of WHY i should do something with my life....what's the fucking point?! i MUST answer that question before i can move on. is it some self-gratification of accomplishment one gets by moving forward, adapting to the paradigm of our society to succeed accordingly, (which means fuck all to those outside of that paradigm) playing to the people around you so they respect you and your life and you have something meaningful to say when someone asks the question, "so what do you do?"? is that why? is it for the money? like i said before, if money is what is supposed to drive us, i want a refund. i could go on and on with reasons......the point is i have a yearning, a will to push forward. It exists in my mind as a river, full of potential, ready to change the landscape of this world......but the question of why acts as a concrete damn that keeps the potential from flowing....unwilling to budge.....and in comes the outside influences....people that only see the dried up river bed below and criticize and judge and though i shouldn't give a shit and should tell them all to fuck off i have the fundamental flaw in my personality of caring what other people have to say and taking it all personally......all this potential going to wast....slowly the lake behind the damn is drying up....soon there will be nothing left but a sad, forgotten life that meant nothing in the end.....and i believe i know where this comes from.....as a child i was taught that what i thought didn't matter.....that any desire or passion within me was mute because the will of god negated all plans i thought i had for the future...i was taught that the only thing in this life that mattered was god's will.....so i never thought about what i wanted.....i did what the church wanted....what the deacons and pastors and parents around me wanted.....my life was meaningless without god's permission.....there was no reality beyond that worth living....and i felt so empty and alone, doing what was expected of me.....the outside was all that mattered and it was then, i believe, that whatever person i could have been died as i succumb to the outside, for i believed they all knew better than i did....and even after i left the church and rejected all i was taught and refused to accept nor deny the existence of a god the damage had been done.....when i went into the military i didn't pursue any passion of my own.....i just did what they told me.....when i left the military four years later...i did the same, following the same career my recruiter picked out for me....and when i could take no more of this banal existence i quit...and moved back into another i job not our of wanting....but out of need....and now i sit and sulk and wonder what to do but any decision i make is wrong because, as i was taught....it doesn't matter what i think or do.....which i think is true weather you believe in god or not.
....so the need is there, but the allusive answer to the undeniable question of why has stifled my desire. passion for life, to move forward, does not burn within my heart...and this disease and infected my mind and penetrated my drive, making my existence a stagnate, foul thing that has manifested itself into the depression, emptiness, a ceaseless, black void that i struggle to hide from those around me. This void can be temporarily filled with alcohol, drugs, sex, friends, family, walks in the fucking park, hikes in the mountains, music, reading, writing, sleeping, eating......but it's always there.....a part of my body that strikes back with a debilitating wrath and darkness every time i try to forget it exists within me.
So i sit here, enduring this pain that god, nor money, nor success nor anything else in my life could quell.....a pain that has a great hunger, feeding on my misery that only multiplies over time, and destroys any initiative i could struggle to create to answer the question of why i should move forward. I guess it has become a vicious cycle of agony and sorrow....i have developed the ability to defeat any plans for the future before i can even hope to implement them into my life....a circle jerk created by my own mind that locks it down, and bleeds away what little humanity i have left in my weary heart.

Subject - lost
Date - 21 Aug 2002

some say that it is only after you have lost yourself that you find yourself. the problems is.....i'm still lost

Subject - my understanding is my sorrow
Date - 16 Aug 2002

that is what frightens me......you ever read LOTR??? have you seen the movie? this worthless life gives that quest some sort of meaning.....meaning in which i have yet to discover in my own life.....i hurt so much from the knowledge that my own existence...my own actions mean so little to the world...that is why i wish to be someone i can never be in this world..someone of which has the power to give to others that which we as humans lack....true hope in someone......to be able to change the course of humanity but know that it doesn't matter what i do or say.....that my misery is fucking meaningless....my suffering is in vain.....i cry at the outcome of human civilization....and that is why those like me search in the worlds of those created in the mind......for they are more comforting, despite their darkness, than the world in which our lives exist....do you see? do you understand? no.......i think not.....and it is times like these when i do not understand your reason for wanting to live this life!

Subject - wasting time
Date - 15 Aug 2002

another weekend in which i have accomplished nothing....in the eyes of the world that is....a few weeks ago someone asked me if i did anything over the weekend....i told them i drank until i passed out....they laughed....but looked at me with...with disappointment...why?? tell me....what the fuck constitutes as a productive weekend?? you judge me so well please tell me how the fuck i am supposed to act on my days off...what should i do??? fix up the house? mow the lawn? clean the house? what?? i see other people and observe what they do and it seems so extremely pointless to me........but what the fuck do i know.....nothing......and you do i suppose?? no...i don't think you know any more than i do......so why the fuck do you judge me? when i go to work tonight people will ask me what i did....if i lie and tell them i went hiking or shopping or looking for someone to fuck they would think better of me....do you not see something wrong with that?? shit.....i see everything we do as a waste of time....but i don't try to force that on others....i mind my own business....i suppose they do to.................it is as if they know something i don't.....but i've been where they are and discovered nothing but a silent desperation to be happy with life....i see people trying so hard to gain some sort of peace with their existence that they look down on others who ignore their ways of living in order to feel better about themselves....how sad...tolerance has no place in the lives of those who hate their own....for that would reveal who they really are....empty and alone.....suffering within as i am now...but the pain runs so deep that to acknowledge it would destroy the very existence from which the foundation of their lives is based on..............i want to weep for their pain...except i hurt just as they do, and i confront it...........i feel pain to the point of exhaustion of the mind....it consumes me.....god i feel for those who chose to fool themselves into compliancy.....my pain, i know is greater...but at least it's real, and not a reflection.....a result of that which people choose to ignore....

Subject - forced observation
Date - 10th of Aug.

with realization comes what? suffering? i guess it depends on what the realization is, and how it occurred. when i'm in groups, talking with "friends" or co-workers, giving shit to others, taking it from others.....i find myself criticizing the entire fucking situation....myself and the ones in the room....asking myself (while i'm talking) if what i'm saying is sincere or just a way to adapt to the situation i'm in...are the people i'm talking to sincere? we talk about work, movies, people and problems that piss us off....why the hell do we as humans feel the need to talk so fucking much (most of it trite and meaningless conversation that has no lasting impact on anything)....to share....if something horrible (or boring) happens in our lives why do we tell others? is it to justify our worthless existence...seek approval from others for our weak attempt to live life? why don't we have the strength to just blow it off and keep moving forward?.....why do we have to complicate everything with other people?! anyway....i digress.....i'm always finding myself observing the functions of life and how people act and react with each other....i do this while i interact with those same people so they act accordingly.....it's like i'm an undercover cop...working for god knows who......the darkness perhaps?? i don't know. but as i observe and take notes in my head, my chest slowly sinks into a vat of sadness....the conversations are so meaningless....and even if an interesting subject does come up (philosophy, religion, death, meaning) nothing really changes....no one learns anything...they just continue to be, not giving what we discussed a second thought....it all comes back to what someone bought with their slave money, or someone has a new picture of their kid, or how much work sucks, or someone's vacation experience, or someones simultaeous anal and oral sex experience using shampoo bottles, tabasco sauce and the neighbor's pet snake, or hundreds of other subjects that depress me when i think about how much we imagine they matter to the world.....they don't....unless we think they do....or don't...so our thinking determines our reality i guess.....or is it the other way around? anyway...i digress...maybe i found my purpose in life....i could never, can never, and never will connect in anyway with this vomit inducing world.....i'll interact, observe, take notes, and record my observations and findings on some crappy website for ten or twelve people to read...only to die (can't wait!) along with all my "work"...the world will continue with its parade of madness and self-deceit down the streets of each life, everyone participating in the march as spectators and float designers and hot dog vendors while people like myself sit on top of buildings, water towers and warehouses....silently watching the crowd, listening to the white noise emanating from the tangled mass of human beings beneath our feet, wondering what the fuck is the point of it all.

Subject - the conduit of darkness (long before letting go)
Date - 3rd of August

Moonlight spills into the dark room from a single window, located on the west wall. The gray light bleeds through thin openings between wooden slats that have been nailed to the window. Vertical beams, contrasting and sharp against the shadows, threaten to cut those who might venture too close to their edge. The acrid smell locked within the air, lurking amid moonlight and blackness, is insulting to the nose and course to the lungs, filling the room with its clamy, cool skin. But the knives made of light and the flesh that is the stench of the room is disquieted by the overwhelming silence. So loud in its simplicity. Its muted roar piercing the ear while clamping onto the head with the fury and indifference of a soldiers hand to his gun. The silence possesses the quality of thick oil, soaking into everything it touches. Coating clothes, hair, and skin so the weight bows the back into submission. All this locked within the boundaries of four decaying walls that are covered in a morbid tapestry of mold, mildew, dirt and blood.
In the center of this silence, this lack of frequency, essence, and life, sits a young man. To his left the hollow blades of moonlight jet to the floor. With legs crossed, he feels the cold of the concrete floor claw its way into his bones. His sickly, sweaty arms hold him upright as he slowly points his head to the floor, his mind absorbing the surroundings, trying to concentrate on the physical, the practical, the understood.
He knows it is all about to dissolve away. Something is churning within, uprooting itself. The reason he chose this silence as his only companion is about to be revealed. Its gaining strength, sucking the life force from him like a slimy parasite-slow and unyielding. He can feel it eating away at the dead flesh that houses the fragile shell that is his existence.
Suddenly, he moves one hand to his chest, clutching at his skin, trying to claw away at what lies below the thin vail of flesh. The silence is broken by a despondent moan. An acknowledgement of what is to come. The moans grow louder as the pain deepens, suffocating his thinking, and his reasoning. Swelling within he leans forward, his moans mutating, transforming into a dull scream that grows louder, and louder, and louder. His body convulses and jerks as the yelling becomes interminent, interupted by the traces of bile and acid that begin to leak through his clenched teeth. Finally, the darkness from within breaks free.
The gargled sound becomes completely stifled as vomit spills onto to floor causing steam to rise from the warm liquid of bile, acid, and blood. His body lunges forward as yet again he spews forth the life within with such force that some splatters onto the walls and races back to the floor, leaving a putrid trail of its blind navigation behind to add to the tapestry. With his face inches from the mound of digested flesh and blood he coughs violently, struggling to regain control. Meanwhile, beneath that blanket of tissue and viscera, the offspring of emptiness, a shapeless mass of nothingness darkened by its own truth, begins to emerge.
With his eyes shut in pain, his mind can only focus on what lacks within as the shapeless creature moves forward. Dripping with the vile liquid, it wraps its formless claws around his head. Weakness has flooded his body, restraining any sort of reaction as the child of emptiness squeezes tighter pushing in its will upon his mind. Sounds of his skull cracking piece by piece begin to echo off the decaying walls, followed by his gargaled screams that sounds as if they were shot from the stomach of hell. The agony of the knowledge begins to leak through the small growing fissures in his skull. It all becomes too much. His visions begins to blur. Even as he screams his hearing grows silent. Even thougth the creatur's hands are the only force holding his shattered skull together, his pain grows numb. He no longer smells his own bile. Everything grows darker.....unrecognizable.....indistiguishable.........collapsing...fully...from...within....

He opens his eyes and lays quiet, allowing his vision to absorb the empty room. He sits up and sweat rolls down his into his face stinging his eyes. He slows his breathing and takes a deep breath, inhailing the familiar air which seems to lack the stench of blood and bile. He can still see the blades of light that cut through the darkness onto the floor. He closes his eyes and concentrates and what he saw. A few moments later the silence is broken by the sound of a pen, sliding gracefully over the paper that rests between his legs. Purging the nothingness that leaked within, he writes what he has learned. He has begun the journey of letting go.

Subject - i don't care what the subject is
Date - 1st of August 2002 (why do i date these?)

i have absolutely nothing to say becasue i feel the same within.

Subject - enough ranting....how about a happy subject...like death!!
Date - i'll pick 26th of july

i had to turn in a short essay to my humanities teacher on my philosophy of life....here it is for your fragile little mind to absorb and enjoy....give you something to read other than my mind-numbing bitching and whining........later

Deadly Chasm
It begins at birth, our decent into oblivion. We fall over the precipice that is this life, into a black void from which there is no escape. As we fall, we search for meaning and purpose within this medium of perpetual darkness. There is nothing, however, to discover. The only thing hidden from our view are the jagged chasm walls that surround us at every side. The only thing to listen for is the bitter, cold wind as it quickly rushes by our ears. Solid ground from which to stand only exists in our minds as it struggles to absorb and understand the unfathomable nothingness that is our existence. Throughout my decent I have searched for knowledge. Many individuals who have fallen before have left their knowledge on the chasm walls for others to read, and perhaps follow. Morality defined. Standards entombed. But the more I discovered, the more I found ethics in contradiction with each other. Absolutes dissolve away. Our reality is based on our perception. We use that perception to define our morals based on the absolutes we choose to follow. The problem is, perception for every person is different. Therefore, the absolute from which one is defining their standards, using his or her perception, is relative. There are no absolutes. There is nothing to believe in except the reality you have chosen to create for yourself. But that reality is meaningless and flawed outside of your own perspective. It only has order because you think it does. The paradigm we create for ourselves in our own minds encloses us in our own undoing. There is no standard from which to live our lives. We create our own reason for living, our own purpose or meaning to life. There is no god unless you believe in one to give you meaning. Success and money is superficial unless you give it value in your own mind. Friends and family will either reject you or die, unless your mind attaches greater meaning to the people in your life. The Greek philosopher Arcesilaus once wrote, "Nothing is certain, not even this." The deadly chasm is my mind's paradigm, and just like everyone else's belief, it is flawed and meaningless outside of my own perspective. I believe in nothing, for my perception stems from my senses, which can easily be deceived. I have faith in nothing. Perhaps there is a god that created this world, or perhaps not. We will never know until we die (and even then we might just cease to exist, never knowing). There is only one truth in this life, and that is death. A concept of our existence that has the unyielding power to completely annihilate our existence. Dreams, friends, family, accomplishments, goals, all come to an end by the slow graceful movement of death's bony hand across your face. The darkness within this deadly chasm of life will consume us all.

Subject - i am the FOOL!! HAHAHAHA
Date - i said pick one!

you know what...i'm been thinking about the post below.....and now i say FUCK IT!! tell everyone......no one is safe......let it all out......who gives a fuck! i want to see how far this can go.....pain...anger....bring it on....let me see what your made of....tell everyone....let it rip you apart!!!!.....you only have today....and you only have a choice between living in boredom...and living in suffering.....(i heard that somewhere...can't remember...)....and i choose suffering.....i want to see how dark this chasm can get......

Subject - the fool
Date - pick one!!

let me tell you something....communicate all you want...all you can...you feel pissed...angry....fucking scream it off the towers...shout until your throat bleeds from the effort....but don't ever fucking tell those you know how you feel....believe me when i tell you...the pain or depression or anger or whatever the fuck you have eating away at you every fucking second of every fucking day is no match for the pure, enveloping emotion that disintegrates your very existence that reveals itself when you tell those who you know how you REALLY feel within....the reactions vary.....for some it's fear...for others it's anger....for others, they just don't understand....some just walk away....GOOD...walk the fuck away!!!...for others...FUCK ME!!...you know....honesty just doesn't help anything...if someone came up to me and cut me open from the chest to the groin....ripped my fucking organs out and then pounded my face into a pile of rocks it would hurt less then what i fucking feel right now...i am the fool....i knew better....communicate with strangers....tell you shrink whatever....but don't ever tell your family or friends....keep it fake if you want to stay sane! i now know why everyone i see is so fucking fake....they can't take the pain of reality...neither can i....so if you ask me...yes...i am so fucking happy to be alive...a ray of shit filled sunshine!!!
my pain has infected those that don't deserve it.....don't let your's hurt anyone else....i don't give a shit if it consumes me...LET IT!! but it hurts more when i see others being burned by the very flames of hell i have created for myself....it only hurts more to talk to those who actually wouldn't want to beat to death with a lead pipe.....HA!.....................like any of this really matters................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................no..no..NO! it's my fault....my punishment for actually caring about other people....what they thought....it's all on me!!! i blame no one but myself....i shall continue to stay distant from all the world........for it is not mine to understand......it just is......it's times like these i wish my dad had pulled out early.

Subject - ask yourself
Date - 22 july

don't ask what you believe....ask why
answer me this....why do people believe in god?(or..g-d,godess,it,the divine,....)
is it because that's what you were told? questioning such a thing would be "wrong" would it?
is it because having faith in something that might only exists in your mind makes you feel better? does life after death give you some kind of false hope? does the belief that you'll see your dead loved ones again keep you from drowning in your own sorrow?
is it because you're insane?

answer me this....why the fuck do you care?
it is obligation?
is it nothing more than a habitual response?
is it to feel better about yourself?

answer me this....do you think any of this really matters?
then why do you believe?
then why do you care?

no more questions....later....[sobriety is for those who have the uncanny ability to decive themselves into contentment]

Subject - my excuse for this collage of "dark" thoughts - this rant is for...well...you know who you are....
Date - 20th july 2002 (i can't fucking believe it has been almost a year since 9/11!)

i'm tired of being asked to feel apologetic about my thoughts...about this site...about this page in particular
yes....some of my rants and writing (or lack thereof) focus on "dark" issues...

| pain | depression | overwhelming sadness | anger | suicide | intolerance | lack of respect for other people and their beliefs | vanity | ....any many other issues...

what all these subjects have in common is my strong feeling or opinion concerning these thoughts....these sometimes disturbing topics...i write about what i feel....and i'm not afraid to write it down and read it the next day and contemplate on what i wrote.....concentrate on certain feelings others might choose to ignore or blow off...please realize my wonderful travelers of the landscape that is the internet, i don't feel like this all the time....there are days when i read some of the crap i wrote and i think to myself, "...damn...he had a bad day...", or "...that fucker needs therapy!!",or"i wonder if he takes it up the ass?" (just kidding on that last part by the way)

i write what's within and make no apologies....for example...
my rant on june 17th (letting go)....it's just yet another "artistic" interpretation of how i felt at the time....sure its disturbing and upsetting.....but i tell ya....i felt better after writing that crap!! i shared a bit of my mind with the world instead of stuffing it deep down inside..or even worse "..giving my problems to god." (but that's just me....if giving your problems to god makes you feel better...fucking do it!)
looking back on that rant now, i think to myself, "wow! that fucker can write!"....(stop laughing)...ok ok....what i really think to myself is there is an emotion, a feeling, a possible course of action wrapped up neatly in a couple of lines of text.....BUT I'M NOT going to fucking go buy a damn gun and follow through with what was going through my head!!!!
you know...i get e-mails of individuals who tell me they know how i feel...maybe that's my goal....to let those people know they are not alone and shouldn't hesitate to share what they think with others....consequences be damned!! yes...most people can suck my ass....but there is really no one else to talk to, except that stuffed animal i keep hidden in my closet....and my imaginary friend Golokitish...he is from the underworld of Eritisis....and he makes his living by killing humans for thier meat (a delicacy on Eritisis from what he tells me)...for some reason he likes me and has decided to be my friend! who knows?? (i am a thin guy...and i smoke...perhaps my meat would be too stringy and dried out!)

anyway, do you realize how many authors write about these subjects?? (and go even far beyond what i have in this site....and write a hell of a lot better!)
well..if not....here are some examples my narrow minded friend...

-Trainspotting (from the movie...haven't read the book yet) - the main character says this after trying to kick his heroin habit. "....and then the real battle begins. boredom. depression. you feel so fucking low you want to fucking top yourself."

-Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis - one of the characters commits suicide after being rejected the one she loved.

-American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis - if you know anything about the book or the movie that was based on it...then you would know why i mention it here

-Requiem For a Dream (from the movie based on Hubert Selby Jr.'s novel...great book)- Sara, talking to her son Harry about why it's so important to her...well....watch the movie and find out! "...it's a reason to get up in the morning. it's a reason to loose weight, to fit in a red dress. it's a reason to smile. (almost crying) it makes tomorrow alright. what have i got Harry? Why should i even make the bed or wash the dishes? i do them, but why should i? i'm alone. your father's gone, your gone. I've got no one to care for. what have i got Harry? I'm lonely. I'm old...." ( i think you get the idea ) in the end...the 4 protagonist in the book and in the movie spiral downward to collapse....no happy ending...no fucking sequel.

-Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk - "....this is when i'd cry because right now, your life comes down to nothing, and not even nothing, oblivion." / "it's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die." / "i was lost inside oblivion, dark and silent and complete..." / "Losing all hope was freedom." / "This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time." / "I melt and swell at the moment of landing when one wheel thuds on the runway but the plane leans to one side and hangs in the decision to right itself or roll. For this moment, nothing matters. Look up into the stars and you're gone. Not your luggage. Nothing matters. Not your bad breath.......you will never have to file another expense account claim....you will never have to get another haircut."

There are hundreds more i could mention but i hope i made my point. these authors are not acting out what they write. they are writing about emotions they probably know all to well about...and spilling out to the rest of the world to read, watch, and maybe even understand. do you think Stephen King would ever bury his wife in a "pet sematary"? do you think Chuck Palahniuk would blow up financial buildings? i think not.

so...in closing.....I WILL NOT apologize for what i've written here these past few years...I WILL NOT let what i write scare me...I WILL NOT sensor anything because it might seem too disturbing...I WILL write what i feel....I WILL have an opinion or rant i will shout out to the world.....am i depressed?....yes, many many times....am i loosing it? no....am i going to blow my head off? certainly not...who would i rant at?...the dead?....satan???...am i sad? yes...am i disturbed?...probably...do i need help (pills/shrinks)?...ask me if i care! i don't think i need it anymore then Selby Jr. does..... what i do need it to communicate.....to share my ideas and thoughts and not give a fuck if you think differently or think my thoughts are dangerous (which is fine....believe it or not you are allowed to think differently than the people who are around you!!) i'm not going away!! (at lest until i snap and go on a killing spree and end up being gunned down by the police on national television...kidding...)

damn....i've been ranting for a while....until next time....may the darkness of my chasm enlighten you!

Subject - Ranting is fun and therapeutic!!
Date - 16th of July...2002

.......to the women who wanted coffee at the desk (which wasn't there) and whined about how no coffee was such a horrid inconvenience.......instead of fucking making it in her room or (god forbid) going to the restaurant......you can lick my sweaty, crab infested nut sack! to the fucker who gets upset and yells at me because HE didn't pay his bill and I have to ask for the payment, do the world a favor and cut your balls off so you do not pollute the world with your conceited, self-absorbed cheap-ass, mind set! to the worthless individual who bitches and lies to me about service...forcing me to give him what he wants for free.....go blow your fucking head off...i'll gladly give you the gun.....you're a parasite to society.....i hope there really is a hell so when i get there i can claw your eyes out with wonderful, fucking impunity!!!! to all those pain-in-the-ass "guests" who yell at me for someone else's mistake because they feel obligated to do so.....fucking lick my purple headed yogurt slinger and choke to death on my jizz!! you know people have actually told me, "you owe me!" LOL!!! i owe you shit you fuck hole!! so.....if you're reading this....try acting like a human to the downtrodden, tired and very angry people who have the misfortune to provide a service to your worthless ass.....we could care less about your stupid problems and complaints....you mean nothing to us....your a burden we must endure to pay for rent and school....don't you understand that??? there are some, like myself, who want to help people out who have a GENUINE need.....but the rest of you heartless, jagged, hurtful people have destroyed any trust or concern one could try to initiate for another human being....don't you realize the world does not revolve around your meaningless life? the customer is usually lying and most of the time, wrong!....i feel nothing but contempt for 95% of the people i am forced to deal with everyday....to the other 5% i deal with who treat others with respect.....well....your patience and understanding have kept me from bringing guns to work.....thank-you!

Subject - no man is an island my ass!
Date - july 12

you know....i'm sick of hearing that we are all bound together by some invisible, sentimental force that connects us all together.....please...fuck off!!! do you realize how many people fucking die everyday?? does that effect you?? NO!! the only reason it ever would effect you is if you knew one of those unfortunate souls....and why do you care??? it's not because of them....it's because of you....how a death to someone close makes you feel....funerals are not for the dead....they are for the those "left behind"....what the fuck do the dead care what you do with them....there nothing but a worm buffet.....but we cry and whine and take part in these meaningless ceremonies to feel better about life and death and moving forward with an giant empty fucking void within ourselves and then it gets worse as we fool ourselves into believing we will actually see the dead again just so we can cope. shit....we are all islands.....straining our eyes....looking for anything to label as land....but there is really nothing out there but lifeless seas....vast empty oceans that will one day swallow us whole....leaving no fucking trace of our worthless existence..................................unless of course you have a Wilson soccer ball.

Subject - before letting go
Date - july 6th

he sits in a dark corner of the bar
smoking menthols and drinking jack and cokes
on the table lies a book, but he doesn't read
he looks up at the people surrounding him
some are laughing....some are mad.....some are just sitting there
they are sitting there trying to think of what to say next
he focuses on a couple two tables away
the candles cast an ominous glow on the face of the female
she stares out the window next to her
he realizes she looks so sad....so unhappy
but her boyfriend says something he can't hear
and she smiles.....she looks into his eyes like she cares
but she doesn't......and that blankets him with sorrow
he looks to another couple.....sitting at one table
but looking in opposite directions
he can see how they don't love each other
but they are here out of habit
his attention turns to a family
the dad sitting there....not saying anything of significance
the mother..yelling at her children because she hurts so much inside
the kids....taking it all in
the mother...the father....the guests.....
all of em are just there.....nothing is real
he closes his eyes to all the pain
he reaches back and pulls out the gun
screams.....blood.......running......
he looks at the chaos.....
he smiles......fear....panic.....
he points the guns at those he saw
the souls he observed
they are finally acting the way the feel
he pulls the trigger and ends their facade
the last step before letting go

Subject - is there nothing more to say?
Date - 29june 2002

.............i'm not really sure anymore....why do humans place so much importance in meaning?? meaning for their life? meaning for what they have done with the VERY few years they have.....is it just me? the problem is, how do you define meaning?? i've rejected every definition i have encountered....yet i still search for some kind of follow-through for my existence to pursue.....i will probably never find it...(as i seem to reject every motherfucking thing i find)....but that doesn't stop me from looking.........(change subject)....if our happiness is determined by circumstance...does that not make our happiness superficial? fake? do you not see circumstance (religion, family, money, career) controlling one's emotions?? do you not see a wife or a husband or a child control how one feels? i watch as people achieve the empty goals society creates for them and that somehow makes them feel good.....then that feeling fades away...and they look for the next goal...the next challenge society creates for them......i will never understand.......it may work for others.....but not for me......and whether that is because i choose to be unhappy or that is the true nature of things is see......heh.....i'll never really know.....and that's why i love to drink until i pass out on the kitchen floor....heh....

Subject - "under god" no more?
Date - 27 june

lol....the courts are saying that the phrase "under god" is unconstitutional!...and everyone is "outraged". first of all....the phrase wasn't in the pledge until 1954, the courts are not changing anything original....second, the courts have a point...."congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion...."....sound familiar?? no??? does not the government support a particular religion or belief with those two words? it's all interpretation isn't it? (SEE!! i told you....there is no absolute truth!! *evil grin*) the government has NO place in any system of belief....so i would say i have to agree with the decision.....BUT....and this brings me to my third point........if the decision gets overturned...(which it probably will)....it really isn't going to effect me....and if you're a christian, or an atheist, or a wiccan, or a jehovah witness, or a maggot worshiper, is your life really going to be fundamentally changed by this decision?? don't you think people are getting a little too sensitive to 2 little words??? come on people....there are bigger things to worry about....terrorism...crime....where to buy my next bottle of hard liquor.....maybe we should change it to..."one nation...under whichever god/goddess/it you believe in or choose to reject, indivisible...".....but the maggot worshiper would still be upset for not mentioning his soft-bodied larva friend that eats dead flesh......fuck it....you can't please everyone.....who cares....oh well.......oh yea...and ummmm......life is meaningless....and umm....i'm sad.....and all that other stuff....

Subject - to be naive
Date - 20 june

i know where some of my sadness comes from. it's that part of the mind that imagines greater things. it's the part of me that wishes for some sort of connection with other people. it's that part of me that wonders what it would be like to have a close friend. but then i know that the previous is false....i see it everyday....the empty friendships....the vapid marriages.....i feel sometimes that the only way to rid myself of this darkness is to become naive to the reality of friendships created in our own minds that don't last or mean anything unless you fool yourself into thinking friendship has some sort of meaning. i've tried so many times but end up backing off as i realize the pointless effort of pursuing friendships.....of pursuing anything......perhaps that is why people have such an appetite for stories in which characters find release from reality with friends....with families....with lovers.....but in our own lives...it's all fake....it isn't real....it's just a fucking way to keep sane....nothing more....FUCK!..........i'd like to believe differently....but the cost of being wrong once again is too great.....

subject - tired (reprise)
date - 18 june

i'm tired of being around people
i'm tired of being alone
i'm tired of crying
i'm tired of hating everyone....including myself
i'm tired of hurting
i'm tired of looking for answers only to find opinions
i'm tired of seeing other people hurting
i'm tired of seeing other people hurting and then taking it out on others
i'm tired of people telling me they know better when they don't
i'm really tired of being alive
i'm tired of being told what i need
i'm tired of trying to figure out what i need on my own
i'm tired of everyone's opinion
i'm tired of my own
i'm really tired of being alive
i'm tired of being told i should feel better
i'm tired of depression
i'm tired of being told there is an answer
i'm not tired of drinking.........(gulp)
i'm tired of knowing that drinking won't solve anything
i'm tired of knowing nothing else will either
i'm really fucking tired of being alive

Subject - i turn my back, i walk away
date - 18 june

i don't know how to distinguish anymore......maybe i never did....years ago i turned away from what was my life......my devotion.....the center of my world.....i saw its flaws...i discovered the deceptions and the lies.....i found out it just wasn't real.....i walked away....i explored new lands.....new territories filled my eyes.....but once again...it was just as fake as before....just different.....so i walked away.......what i'm finding out now is that no matter where i go.....there is no reason to stay....no reason to stop walking......people...places...jobs....money....religion....god.....i've turned my back on it all....the entire world....the problem is i've been walking for a long time.....and my legs hurt.....my mind aches....there are so many other roads to travel.....perhaps...despite all i've found to be meaningless....that one great horizon has yet to be explored......but i've lost the motivation to walk anymore......i don't care anymore.....maybe i'll get lucky and get hit by a car someday......

Subject - the landscape of the mind
- 17 june

i had this dream one night....this was a long time ago but it is one of the few dreams i will never forget.....i was sitting in a bed....in a house from my childhood....i was sitting with my legs crossed.....and in my hand was a 9mm.....i stuck the gun into my mouth....i was crying....upset....and i pulled the trigger.....my head flew back....i felt no pain.....my body fell to the floor and i could see the wall behind me......it was covered in blood.....chunks of my brains and my skull were running down the wall which left several trails of blood.....but i could still see through my eyes.....i could see what was left of me on the wall...running down to the floor.......and you know what?? i felt peace.......i felt at ease.....i felt that i had finally let go.....i felt great........for the first time ever i was truly happy.........for the first time ever....i was smiling....and i really meant it....then i woke up.....then i cried....then i realized it was all a dream......then i wished i was either asleep or dead.....what the hell is wrong with me????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

subject - letting go
date - 17june

sweat......beads of sweat pour down his forehead.

tears......tears streaming from his eyes, burning

he never thought tears could hurt so much.

the salt from his face falls and brakes onto the gun.

the barrel threatens to choke him.....but he pushes it further.

his eyes shut in pain....

there seems to be only one release.

choking....coughing from the effort....

seconds away from letting go....

letting go of the hurt....

letting go of the demons.....

letting go of the claws the tear away all that is human...

letting go of anything that makes him feel....

the finger flexes....

powder is ignited......

he falls to the floor......looking behind..

the blood runs down the white wall....creating art...emotion...flowing away....

he looks at what is left of himself....fleeting....running down a white wall...

peace finally intrudes....

he can finally let go as pieces of his brain fall onto his empty eyes....

open forever with the knowledge of death.

Subject - nothing is relevant
Date - 08 june 2002

.....i know you're tired of reading the same shit....nothing matters...blah, blah, blah, blah.......but i can't simply look past the fact that we as humans place so much importance in our selfish opinions and philosophies when they simply do not matter to the rest of the world.....to anyone....no one cares.....unless you market your ideas to the public and generate money....then all the sudden people fucking care....but they really don't.....it's just a "paradigm shift" to their perspective and soon enough it will mean about as much as the "new" revolution of the internet means to us today. (as compared to ten years ago). it becomes trite. boring. then we have everyone stepping all over each other for the new idea...the next shift in perspective.....break it all down...it's just another page in the history of man.....yet we think our opinions are so important.....(which..i admit...i'm guilty of....or this website would not exist). i want to RANT to the entire world what i think...what i feel...what i see in this world.....but it doensn't matter....and that is what's so fucking depressing...my depression means nothing.....a cure to depression means nothing.....no cure for depression means nothing.....nothing means nothing...(are you following?).....it almost turns into nothing without nothing...which is what??? what is the absence of void? who fucking cares??? only me and a few others i suppose......i guess i'll end with this....we all survive (including me) by fooling ourselves into thinking that what we do with our lives...however great or trite it may seem...is somehow justified.....but i believe it isn't...it's just a defense mechanism developed within ourselves to keep from sticking a high caliber hand gun in our mouths.......anyway...i either confused the hell out of you or made myself more clear to you....in either case.......it really doesn't fucking matter does it????

Subject - insignificant
Date - 31 may

you ever notice how everything from the inside is insignificant, yet everything on the outside seems somehow meaningful...almost eloquent? its all perspective. there are people that live on the outside of my reality....of my life, my perception, and they are almost mesmerized by my surroundings...by the circumstances that shape the events of my existence. i too see people who i look up to....individuals i perhaps want to be like (writers, ecosystem researchers, college grads.....ect) and i think how great it would be to accomplish the goals they have achieved....(which i'm working on....s...l...o....w...l...y....)but you know what.....if i ever do attain those goals....a few years afterward it will become trite.....insignificant....almost meaningless....because i'm looking out from within....maybe i should stay on the outside.....that way everything carries a sense of weighty importance....because one you break through the threshold of your "dreams".....the skin of importance is somehow shed when it just becomes another job....another car.....more knowledge.....then what? more jobs? more cars? more knowledge? it's human nature.....you want something until you have it....then you want something else....how pathetic we are! i guess that's what pushes society forward....stronger buildings, faster cars, more efficient ways to generate energy, but humans are cursed with the stigma of never being satisfied...no matter what one accomplishes in life.....perhaps once your looking out from in....you see the superficiality...the decay....the rotting corpse that is your life....so you push further only to see more decay.....hmmmm...i guess that's just who we are....

Subject - god i'm depressed
Date - 28th of may

....and you now why? other people depress me. i briefly look into their lives and it makes me so fucking sad. putting so much value in things that mean absolutely nothing in the end. my life is no exception. and what's worse...they think i care.....when i really don't. it's not something selfish or conceited...i hate me...and my worthless life.....i just don't understand why anyone would care about me......they shouldn't...don't waste your time....because i see it all as pointless....your life, my life...do you realize what i'm telling you? no...i don't think you do. i wish the voices would drown in my sorrow as i have...he.....damn......that sound too over-dramatic....oh well.......i am nothing...you are nothing.....and nothing really fucking matters.....people find contentment in life....i find deceit.....a way to distract ourselves....fuck...you have heard this all before.....your bored with my tirade....i wish i could do the same with my sadness.......

Subject - alone
Date - 27 may

well....if you read the post for the 23rd you would realize i was having a bad day. i think i was at the pinnacle of my depression that night when i wrote that post. people still upset me....though i'm usually more passive and sad about it than anything else. anyway, moving on to today's subject, i just realized today that i like being alone. i would rather go to a movie by myself. i'd rather go out to eat alone and read a good book. i'd rather drink by myself. though there are times when i seek the company of others.....for the most part i would rather be alone. most of the time when i'm with people anyway, i just become depressed. i think to myself as i'm interacting with people how fake everything is. we have worthless conversations about our jobs, school, new fucking clothes and material crap. i slowly realize that most of the time no one really cares about these subjects....it's just small talk, a way to pass the time....a way to distract ourselves from out meaningless, decaying lives. i also feel distant...i'm there, talking, laughing on cue, reacting as i should like in a play to keep the program running.....but it's all surface to me...and as i sit there.....listening to inane conversations....i think to myself how nice it would be to be alone at that moment...reading....writing.....jerking off....you know...something productive....the only drawback is i seem to confuse or even hurt the very few people in this world i willingly would want to hang out with.....i just don't like to do it that often....and that upsets people....they take it personally and think it's their fault or something....they just can't seem to understand I LIKE BEING ALONE!! does that make me selfish? maybe.....but all i know is i'll hurt the person even more when i'm really depressed or upset or just want to be left alone and i'm forced into situations were i have to interact with people i care about......VERY BAD!! everything goes down the crap shoot....and i can't explain myself nor would anyone understand.....so i try to stay away most of the time......shit......i've written a lot.....anyway....i'm using some of my "alone" time to update my site.....hope you like the additions....

Subject - fuck everyone!
Date - may twenty-third

AHHHHHHHHHH!!! anger swells within me!!! i loathe everyone....no one, not even myself can escape my disgust. the wretch body....i want to kill us all....i fucking hate mankind....kill....die.....fuck you.....die......i'm ripping myself apart on the inside....there is only one solution......pain upon pain upon pain.....i resent being alive...i resent trying to give a shit about others and about myself....i resent the people in my life that claim they care but really wouldn't...if they only knew.....they could all fucking die tomorrow and my sorrow would only be reactionary....not genuine. nothing within me is real....it's all a lie......in order to stay alive and suffer for more years to come.......suffer for others because i can not hurt them and make them feel what i feel right now......and i resent them all for making me suffer instead of letting me end my pain....my stupid, worthless self-fucking-pity party, boo hoo, someone feel sorry for me...I CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING TALKING!!!! "ahhh...poor baby....he is sad and wants us to feel sorry for him....ahhhhh" FUCK YOU ALL!!!! I JUST WANT YOU ALL TO DIE!! is that ok with you? pain that has no reason...i'm not making sense anymore am i...the critical voice smashes what is left of me....everything i say is wrong......everything i write is worthless.....my own suffering is in vain because the critical voice tells me it isn't real...then the other voice tells me that critical voice is wrong.....it is worthless.....there is no me....just a plethora of voices screaming at the same time....THERE IS NO REAL ME.....I SIMPLY AM NOT THERE...do you even read this shit....do you even try to understand what i'm saying.....no....what i'm screaming??? no...this is all fucking worthless....

Subject - guIlt
date - may 20th

ah yes......you want to know the secret to controlling society?? (other than money and media manipulation). GUILT! do you smoke? you kill the innocent people around you! how does that make you feel!! do you drink? do you eat red meat? do you masturbate? do you smoke pot?? then you're wrong....because i say...and GOD says you are wrong and your going to hell!!!! well......fuck me. i drink...heavily...almost every day, i smoke.....i fucking curse. i whack off every chance i get! and i don't care. may it kill me....i don't FUCKING CARE!! may i be destroyed by my own actions.......i don't give a damn. pile all the rocks of guilt on my back you want...i hope it crushes me......go ahead and eviscerate me and strangle me with my own intestines (Glamorama)........i feel anger to all those who try to make me feel like shit for decisions i make that ONLY effect me..........

Subject - journal of darkness (4)
Date - 05-17-02

feeling better than the post from yesterday (though not too much better).....i'm not sure why. perhaps it is because the mind and body simply can not take the darkness anymore so it suppresses it somehow.....or maybe it was the interaction with people....but i don't think that is it because i was interacting with people all night and the darkness didn't back off until the end of my shift.

it's still there however...within me....sleeping....breathing....i can feel it's warm, no cold breath on the inside of my chest....gaining strength?

there are too many variables.....i want to discover why it's sleeping right now....does it have a cycle? is it brought on by circumstances? by people? by lack of contact with the outside world? by drinking? by lack of eating? by chemicals in my brain that don't function correctly? by my unconscious desire to feel it's presence?

maybe i'll find out with this journal.....that is the purpose of it....to experiment and record the results.....i want to know....or maybe i don't want to know.....

in any case...i'm hungry....and sober....i leaving now to change that....later.

Subject - crap aka shit aka scat aka poop aka.....
Date - 16 May 2002

i feel like shit right now. i could use a drink but i have to work tonight.....so i just sit at my computer...unbearably sober....it took a lot of energy just to get off my bed, turn my computer on and write this crap. maybe my problem is i think too much. i worry about money, school.....trying to fucking pay for school...i feel like some whore being used by my work....by those companies i pay money to every month to have power and water...by the stores who serve food......i wish i didn't have to fucking eat all the time....it costs too much.....yea yea....i know what your thinking....oh boo hoo....at least you get food...there are millions in this world that are starving to death...well...that doesn't make me feel any better.....anyway...i'm rambling.....where was i.....oh yea...the thinking.....i'm always thinking about meaning...lack of meaning...death....seeing everyone, including myself, nothing but reactionary creatures.....i'm wondering if it is really worth all the effort.....maybe i worry too much...maybe i think too much..........all i really know right now is i feel like shit.

Subject - journal of darkness (3)
Date - May 15th....2 years after the end of the world that never happened.

hmmmm....i think the darkness is real....not fake like i thought in my last post. unfortunately...i'll never really know. it's that whole Hume/Nietzsche/Arcesilaus, doubt of all truths, nothing is certain thing. there is no way to tell.

i just don't know if the darkness has a hold on me....or if i have a hold on the darkness.

though i would have to say if i was holding on to the darkness...if it, along with depression, decay, emptiness was as fake as happiness, meaning, reasons to live......i must say i'd be ready to say "goodbye cruel world....i'm done playing your mind games." and douse myself in kerosene on top of the quest building, then light myself on fire and fall to my eternal bliss, screaming in pain. (laughing to myself)

anyway....maybe not..........the preceding supposition would just shut me down completely.....to know that even what i feel all the time, as darkness, is as fake as everything else.......FUCK

i hope i'm making sense.....i'm really drunk right now....i like being drunk..it is a fake release....though sometimes it backfires....but i know it's fake.....i acknowledge it's emptiness....

i guess nothing...not even depression is real.....hahahaha....i'm laughing at that thought.......nothing is real....happiness, darkness, it's all just a way to live...to be different perhaps....to claim something....to say to others "i know what happiness/depression is." to give ourselves something to talk about...to communicate to others...to feel significant...knowing we are not.....

i need another drink....hehe

Subject - journal of darkness (2)
Date - may 14th in the year of.....well.....you tell me genius

For years the darkness has consumed my thoughts. I sometimes wonder if there is anything else.

I use to think so. But I soon discovered my retreat was a lie. Manipulation brought on by the church to force their point of view. That realization made me feel as empty as the darkness and pain I feel right now. I fooled myself into believing the darkness was something I could defeat. I thought it was something I could destroy using the power of some supernatural being I'd never seen.

With realization comes knowledge.

With knowledge come TRUE pain and suffering no physical hell could ever match.

The darkness was bad enough with my city of belief. Everything I believed in came crashing down on me. Suffocating me. Cutting me.

The truth is, I wish it would have killed me.

Unfortunately, it didn't. I crawled out from the rubble of my previous life, and burned to the ground anything that was left standing.

I stood in the ash and rain, feeling nothing but the darkness that I then discovered was with me all along. I burned my belief in anything. I knocked down any wall of faith that was left.

For years now, I sulk in the ruins of my previous life. I Vowed never again to make the same mistake again.

And now the situation presents itself again. Is this pain, this darkness false?

Or is it just a way to cope with the constant suffering.

I'd have to say, believing that is no different form believing in the lies of the bible.

I'm going to get drunk now.................

Subject - journal of darkness (1)
Date - 13th of May in the year 2002

This is the first entry into the journal of darkness...as i like to call it. (i know...real original....well i'm drunk right now...so fuck off!)

So it begins. This record. This document. Though the causality for this journal began years ago (too many fucking years ago). I want explain a bit what this work entails, before I begin my daily writings.

You see, there is something within me. Like darkness, it is something no one, not even me, can see. (can anyone really see darkness?) But, like darkness, it is something I can feel. For many years it has been my companion on my journey through life. It has never forsaken me. It has never failed to arrive in some aspect of my life. It is the underlying foundation of my existence. It has shaped me into what I am today. It is, as I like to describe it, my eternal darkness.

For the next following months, I shall experiment with this entity that seems to know me more than I know it. I want to learn about its essence. Perhaps find a pattern. Study it. Dissect it.

It threatens to consume me everyday. I've almost let it, except I know the end result. Something that effects others. I don't care what this darkness does to me, I really don't. But, unfortunately, there are other considerations I must acknowledge in this experiment. So, even though I can't push this darkness to the extreme, I will push it as far as I can before, well......

Or, perhaps I just want to document how truly fucked up in the head I really am! (laughs)

Anyway, I feel I have explained enough for now. I will be more specific as this experiment of darkness continues. Until then, be watchful of deceit.

date - 10 may 2002
subject - it all comes down.....

.....to this.....a moment in time no one excepts....a few really care to recognize.....and those few are forced into that recognition by circumstance.....the realization that all of this is mute......screaming at the top of your lungs but no one can hear......yet people continue to scream....out of habit...................everything owns such a fucking vapid sense of existence....out of survival we give it empty meaning.....we are afraid to face the darkness that surrounds our lives every day.......we ignore it to move on for no fucking reason......i choose to let it within....i want the darkness to consume me into nothingness......because it's the only reality that exists after the screaming has ended.....because it's what people fear.....because it will take me away from this facade of life i project in order to survive......actually....in order to suffer in survival to no avail.

Subject - no reason why....
Date - 19 Mar 02

it's back.......consuming my thoughts like some flesh eating bacteria...i really don't see the point in sleeping or eating or breathing.....life is so fucking depressing....i feel like death would be a gift....and i DON'T KNOW WHY!!!! i have so many things to be grateful for...yet i'm disconnected from the value of those very causalities of contentment.....because i know it is just another deception to fulfill this disgusting need in humans to feel something more than just reaction to a inane environment.....but that's it...we fool ourselves into believing there is something beyond our perception that will give us hope......but it is all illusion....set up within our mind to survive....nothing more.....am i crazy...or do i see some truth in reality others just deny.....heh....i'll never know until i'm dead......which i look forward to every day.....

Subject - collapsing
Date - 28 Jan 02

every day.....it grows worse every day. i feel less and less for the human race.....every one of us....myself included. this planet needs a good ice age. what better way to end our foolishness? i continue to respect all life.....but we all just need to be wiped out.....reset....start over.....but the sad thing is it will just all happen again, the circle jerk of life. it begins with life, then fucking, propagation, infestation, denial, ignorance, destruction, selfishness.....me me me me me me....for some reason we think the whole shitty universe revolves around our insignificant lives. we are nothing.....fucking each other over for our own benefit because we think it matters in the end. i feel sick.......

Subject - autopilot
Date - 20th of Jan.....2002

another stupid fucking new year...he....you ever feel controlled by your environment? by the people you meet...by the places you live? i feel nothing more that a pathetic product of my environment. nothing more......no soul...no life...just a result...a reaction......a fucking mistake. sometimes..........i don't.....i don't feel life.......i just react to it....i just move forward out of habit...........move forward out of need.....nothing more....nothing in my life is out of wanting....nothing.....

Subject - the third person
Date - 5th of September

do you ever look at yourself in the third person? do you ever walk across the room, turn around, lean up against the wall and look at yourself lying there......like another person, wondering what they are doing....and why? do you ever look at your life.....and wonder why you read the books you read, or eat the things you eat, or why you listen to music you chooses to listen to? is this nothing more than reaction to my environment, to my cage? is it no more than simply existing? is there an actual heart to it all? i look down at my feet....and then back at the individual lying there.....i see a sad controlled person lying there......living out of necessity, not out of wanting.

Subject - i'm tired
Date - Aug 25th

i'm tired of seeing other people
i'm tired of seeing the emptiness in their eyes
i'm tired of seeing people pretending to be happy...when there not
i'm tired of pretending to give a shit when i walk out the door
i'm tired of seeing the fake reality people create for themselves
i'm tired of listening to meaningless conversation
i'm tired of eating
i'm tired of sleeping
i'm tired of entertaining the thought that this life is worth living
i'm tired of the overwhelming ignorance in others and in me
i'm tired of the facade....the game we all play when we interact with others
i'm tired of my own hypocrisy
i'm tired of writing......

Subject - Meaning
Date - Aug 17th

Life means what you want it to mean. god, the bible, religion, philosophy, family, friends, life, death. All of it is want you want it to be, how you see it...or want to see it. Everything is relative.

Subject - friends
Date - Aug 16th

Friends are nothing more than a distraction for ourselves. We seek relief from thinking, and a group of friends fulfills that need.

Subject - "I see dead people.....they don't know they'er dead."
Date - Aug 9th

I see people fool themselves into thinking they have purpose. They live, indulging their senses with contentment, so they may forget their meaningless quest of reality. We are all imbeciles. Idiots of our own creation. I watch as people live an empty life, exclaiming they are untroubled, telling me they are happy. But I look into their eyes and see their deception, to me and to themselves. I see dead people living in ignorance, and it saddens me. I'm so tired of seeing their desolation.......and their refusal to accept it. I hurt for those who choose to ignore their true existence

Subject - There is an absolute......
Date - Aug 9th

Pain....that is the absolute....the constant! Without sorrow....I feel nothing of substance. Life is lifeless without it. I will not accept the facade of happiness....of trying to live a life with meaning....for that is the true deception of existence!

Subject - a new beginning of emptiness
Date - Aug 6th 2001

I have erased the past and started anew. This section will now contain more structured thoughts and contemplations rather then inchoate rants that fail to make their point. (Perhaps my earlier shapelessness was the essence of my thought, but I now want to disclose the end result.) To begin, I want to develop the idea behind "deadly chasm". That idea, or philosophy, is that life is trivial, or inane. Our existence is inconsequential. I don't have a reason to live, but I still choose to live my life everyday. This nihilistic outlook is not a new concept. The Greek philosopher Arcesilaus denied all absolutes. (which, I must admit, is contradictory in itself) We obviously perceive objects and ideas, but do we interpret those entities correctly? Why do contradictions arise with one another about those perceptions? Is there is nothing to correspond our so called knowledge to? The answer to the latter is no. Therefore, because there is no absolute, we must embrace our pointless existence, and accept it as a plausibility. I still pursue knowledge and answers, but with the problematic conclusion of never knowing if what I perceive is "true" or "real", or if it even exists at all.

Subject - the darkness of the past returns
date - 10 may 2002

ok...so i lied......the past has been reborn to initiate reflection, thought, darkness......beautiful darkness....the only thing i see as real.......whether it is or not i can not decide....i'm too fucked up in the head to really know for sure.....enjoy.....