Dear Readers:
Apparently, Santa has received thousands of letters from kids around the world after they received their gifts on Christmas morning. Because Santa has not been able to read all of the letters, he has asked me to help him. So here are a few letters that I took the liberty of answering for Santa.
Dear Santa,
What the hell were you thinking? I asked you for a Nintendo 64, and you brought me a freakin Chutes and Ladders Game. Are you senile?
Signed…Disgusted Daniel in Dayton
DEAR DISGUSTED DANIEL,
YOU DIDN’T LEAVE ME ANY FREAKIN’ MILK AND COOKIES, SO I DIDN’T LEAVE YOU A FREAKIN' NINTENDO 64 GAME. AN EYE FOR AN EYE KID…
Dear Santa,
I left milk for you, but you didn’t drink any of it. Why not?
Signed…Little Joey in Austin
DEAR LITTLE JOEY,
CHECK YOUR PARENT’S LIQUOR CABINET…
Dear Santa,
When I woke up Christmas morning to see what gifts you brought for me, the Christmas tree was knocked over onto the floor. Did you do that?
Signed…Little Timothy in Tallahassee
DEAR TIMOTHY,
SEE THE LETTER ABOVE YOURS? WELL THAT’S THE HOUSE I WAS AT PRIOR TO GOING TO YOUR HOUSE. I GUESS SANTA MADE ONE TOO MANY TRIPS TO THE LIQUOR CABINET.
Dear Santa,
You’re fat!
Signed…Joanie in Jersey
DEAR JOANIE,
HAVE YOU SEEN SALLY STRUTHERS LATELY?
Dear Santa,
How did you get into my house when we don’t own a fireplace?
Signed…Cynthia in Chicago
DEAR CYNTHIA,
IT’S EASY IN CHICAGO…I HAD A LOCAL THUG BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE. BY THE WAY, I HOPE YOUR MOM’S JEWELRY WAS INSURED.
Dear Santa,
Ever since Christmas, I have been feeling ill. My Mom and Dad think you did something bad to me. Is it true?
Signed…Six year old Sami in Somerville
DEAR SAMI,
I AM EMBARASSED TO ADMIT THIS, BUT I PUNCTURED YOUR SPLEEN. WHEN I SAW YOUR LETTER, I MISTAKENLY THOUGHT YOU WANTED AN OPERATION. I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU WANTED THE MILTON BRADLEY GAME CALLED OPERATION. SORRY…
Dear Santa,
You ruined our fireplace! My Dad wants to sue you!
Signed…Jimmy in Tempe
DEAR JIMMY,
I SEE YOUR DAD WHEN HE’S SLEEPING, I KNOW WHEN HE’S AWAKE. I ALSO KNOW WHEN HE’S SLEEPING AND HE’S AWAKE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN OTHER THAN YOUR MOM, SO LET HIM TRY TO SUE ME.
Dear Santa,
When we woke up on Christmas morning, instead of seeing presents under the tree, we found our cat dead. Do you know how it happened?
Signed…Cecilia in Wyoming
DEAR CECILIA,
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE NEVER SATISFIED. YOU WANTED A STUFFED ANIMAL, AND I WAS ALL OUT, SO I IMPROVISED. IN FACT, IT TOOK ME FIFTEEN MINUTES TO STUFF AND SEW YOUR CAT. YOU’RE VERY UNGRATEFUL.
Dear Santa,
While you were out delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, I was having sex with Mrs. Claus. What do you think of that?
Signed…Stud in San Jose
DEAR STUD,
THAT’S OKAY…THE DOCTOR SAID THE SYPHILIS SHOULD CLEAR UP WITHIN A FEW WEEKS.
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