Danno Gets Mean!

Dear Danno,
My wife is pregnant and I’m a nervous wreck! What do I do if she goes into labor?
Signed…Nervous Dad to Be in Newberg

DEAR NERVOUS,
NOW NOW…THE IMPORTANT THING IS FOR YOU NOT TO PANIC. I REMEMBER MY WIFE CALLING ME TO LET ME KNOW THAT SHE HAD GONE INTO LABOR. I WAS ON THE 9TH TEE. I BECAME SO UNNERVED, THAT I SHOT AN AWFUL ROUND ON THE BACK NINE. I EVEN TRIPLE BOGEYED ONE HOLE. JUST REMEMBER TO REMAIN CALM.


Dear Danno,
Were you in the hospitaal room with your wife when your son was born?
Signed…Expectant Dad in Ellarton

DEAR EXPECTANT,
NO…I WAS HITTING OUT OF THE BUNKER ON THE 17TH HOLE…


Dear Danno,
Is it true you are psychic?
Signed…Fan in Farmingville

DEAR FAN,
YES…SEE, I KNEW YOU’D ASK ME THAT…


Dear Danno,
What would you say to a blind date?
Signed…Hoping in Hattenberg

DEAR HOPING,
I'M AFRAID I DON'T DATE THE VISUALLY IMPAIRED.


Dear Danno,
I have a terrible problem with ducks flying into my pool and leaving duck poop floating in my water. Is this common? Is there anything I can do?
Signed…Afraid to Swim in Alabama

DEAR AFRAID,
I DON’T KNOW IF YOU CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I GUESS THEY’VE MISTAKEN YOUR POOL FOR A CESSPOOL.


Dear Dano,
You are my last resort. Everyone is mean to me. Nobody loves me. I am ready to kill myself unless you can give me a reason not to. I’m tired of people being mean to me and uncaring. Help me please. Can you help Dano?
Signed…Troubled in Vancouver

DEAR TROUBLED,
YOU SPELLED MY NAME WRONG STUPID!


Dear Danno,
What do you think it will take for Mark McGwire to break his homerun record of 70 homers in a season?
Signed…Baseball Fan in Brighton

DEAR BASEBALL FAN,
71 HOMERS…


Dear Danno,
What is a Navy Seal?
Signed…Curious in Canton

DEAR CURIOUS,
I DON’T KNOW, BUT I THINK IT’S UTTERLY AMAZING WHAT THEY CAN TRAIN ANIMALS TO DO NOWADAYS. WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT…AIR FORCE PELLICANS?


Dear Danno,
My wife has turned into a sex addict. She wants it three times a day, sometimes with another woman. She’s constantly wanting to have sex in public places. How can I cure her?
Signed…Pooped in Pinehurst

DEAR POOPED,
I’M SORRY…BUT I CAN’T HELP YOU UNLESS YOU TELL ME WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.


Dear Danno,
What is the most dangerous creature known to man?
Signed…Waiting in Wisconsin

DEAR WAITING,
THE MOTHER IN LAW…


Dear Danno,
I am an informant for the police. I am about to testify against three mob bosses. Because of this, the cops put me in a witness protection program. My family thinks I’m nuts. Should I do it? Will I be safe?
Signed…Informant in The Bronx

DEAR INFORMER,
SO, YOU'RE THE SOB TESTIFYING AGINST UNCLE CARMINE. THANKS FOR SUBMITTING YOUR ADDRESS WITH THE LETTER!


Dear Danno,
Are you into Rap?
Signed…Rapper in Ralston

DEAR RAPPER,
ONLY AT CHRISTMAS TIME, AND I USUALLY LET MY WIFE DO THE RAPPING OF PRESENTS.


Dear Danno,
You’re a maroon!
Signed…No Fan in Nantucket

DEAR NO FAN,
ACTUALLY, I'M MORE OF A FLESH COLOR. WHOSE THE MOORON NOW?


Dear Danno,
What does Deju Vu mean?
Signed…Thinking in Sacramento

DEAR THINKING,
DIDN’T YOU ASK ME THAT LAST WEEK?


Dear Danno,
Do you practice safe sex?
Signed…Practicer in Passaic

DEAR PRACTICER,
I DON’T HAVE TO PRACTICE…I’M ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD AT IT!


Dear Danno,
Would you consider signing an autograph for one of your fans?
Signed…Love you in Louisiana

DEAR LOVE YOU,
I ALWAYS FEEL GOOD WHEN FANS ASK ME FOR AN AUTOGRAPH. IT’S AN HONOR TO THINK THAT I COULD MAKE SOMEONE’S DAY BY SIGNING MY NAME FOR THEM. IT REALLY IS A BIG HONOR. THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL A LITTLE BETTER ABOUT MYSELF. AS FOR YOUR QUESTION…NO, I DON’T DO AUTOGRAPHS!


MY MOM’S WOMB…


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