Danno's September 7th Letters

Dear Danno,
I read a wonderful article in yesterdays USA TODAY
about the dangers of stealing and the pitfalls of
crime. I would suggest to your readers that they
share the articles content with any youngster that
they care about. It is an informative article.
signed...Parent in Tacoma
Dear Parent,
I agree. In fact...I liked the article so much, that
I put fifty cents in the USA TODAY coin slot and took
out ten newspapers so that I may pass the knowledge
on to kids that I know.

Dear Danno,
I just heard my Mommy and Daddy talking about my
Uncle Jay. They said he had just come out of the
closet. What does that mean?
Has he been locked in a closet?
signed...Junior in Jackson
Dear Junior,
No kid...it don't mean that.
I'm afraid it means that Uncle Jay will never give you cousins.

Dear Danno,
My mother-in-law is coming to our house for the first
time since I married her daughter. I am cooking dinner that evening.
What do you think is appropriate to serve?
signed...Nervous in Niagra
Dear Nervous,
If you like your mother-in-law, I would suggest a
nice seafood entree consisting of lobster bisque,
steak and shrimp with a nice white wine. If you don't like her...
may I suggest Hudson meat products?

Dear Danno,
I just came home from the beach.
Is there anything more beautiful than watching the sunset at the beach on a cool Autumn eve?
signed....Nature Lover in Nashville
Dear Nature,
...the Playboy Channel

Dear Danno,
Is there any way to prevent gray hairs?
signed...Graying in Gastonia
Dear Graying,
...yeah...don't get married.

Dear Danno,
Are you an organ donor?
signed...Giver in Winston-Salem
Dear Giver,
No...I'm afraid I never owned an organ.
I would however, be glad to donate a harmonica.

Dear Readers,
Sometimes I am fortunate to find out the outcome of a
situation that has arisen after I have given my advice.
Here now are a few of those letters followed by my advice,
followed by the outcome after I gave my splendid advice:

Dear Danno,
My wife is a bitch!
She doesn't let me do anything. She treats me like a child.
My high school buddies went on a fishing trip last week,
and she wouldn't let me go.
I need her permission to do anything. What should I do?
signed...Whipped in Witchita
Dear Whipped,
Stop being a wimp and stand up to her!
What is she going to do...kill you?
OUTCOME: SHE KILLED HIM

Dear Danno,
My breasts are too small.
I think it upsets my husband even though
he has never said anything negative toward me.
I do, however catch him staring at full chested women.
Would you suggest that I get breast enlargements?
signed...Small in Deleware
Dear Small,
Have the operation.
I guarantee that he will have his eyes open wide
looking at your new big chest, and he will not need to
look at other women.
OUTCOME: THE DAY FOLLOWING HER BREAST ENLARGEMENT
SURGERY, HER HUSBAND WAS BLINDED IN A HUNTING
ACCIDENT.

Dear Danno,
Get this...
my doctor told me that I was terminally ill and that I had six months to live.
So I quit my job and I blew my life savings to enjoy my final six months.
Well, there I am...six, seven, eight, nine months later,
and I am still alive. At this point I was ready to die.
Hell, I didn't have any money left to live on.
It turns out that the idiot doctor made a mistake.
I was not happy to hear that I was not dying!
I was pissed off to hear that I was healthy. Now I'm broke and I have no job.
What should I do?
signed...Alive in Green Bay
Dear Alive,
I would get over to my attorney's office right this instant!
Sue this guy for millions!
OUTCOME: ON HIS WAY TO THE ATTORNEY, HE WAS HIT BY A TRUCK AND DIED INSTANTLY

Dear Danno,
I feel just terrible.
I am a doctor who has misdiagnosed a patient.
I said he was terminally ill, when in fact,he was not.
He quit his job and spent his life savings.
What in the world should I do?
signed...Doc in Trouble
Dear Doc,
I would run him over with a truck and make it look like an accident.
OUTCOME: see letter above from Alive in Green Bay


That's it folks. See you next week!