Case took me down to the chapel today. I think he's going to help me through this whether I want to or not.
Lord knows, I didn't want to go to mass. I didn't want to be anywhere near that many people. That's pathetic isn't it? I'm afraid of crowds because they make a better target...
After mass I was more than ready to go back to my room– my hide out. That's what it is isn't it? A place I go to avoid the reality of what was– to hide from what is because I'm afraid... afraid it's an illusion? Afraid that it will be taken from me?
I don't know... but... I had a long talk with the priest... it helped. Case bless him, was only mildly smug.
I'm getting better... Slowly... but... I understand... at least on an intellectual level what happened– how I'm reacting to it– but that doesn't stop the tremors... or the urge to hide under the bed... That will come with time...
I hope.
The men from the government were here again. They gave me back my journal from inside.
Such as it is.
It was so important then. Habit– a need to let people know... I don't know. Looking at it– I can see myself losing it– see myself sinking deeper and deeper.
Looking at my handwriting... it conveys more of the emotion than the words ever could. I was falling and there was nothing to grab onto– nothing but a pen and paper...
I can't even read half of it... but it reminds me of so much– I think that's what the ‘investigators' were hoping.
I hid most of the first day– probably would have stayed there if it had been safe. But then– nothing was safe was it? I've always said that life isn't safe and if you forget that... but this was something else entirely...
I wanted people to know what was going on– but I didn't know– didn't know until I was almost one of the victims... I saw.... saw...
Too much...
I have got to get over this. Over... through... something.
The thing is– I keep feeling like... like I've forgotten something. Like– I've shut it out. I wonder if that's really a bad thing. The Government men seem to think its bad– or that I'm hiding something...
I'm getting to the point I don't care what they think. Case seems to think this is a good thing– I just don't know anymore. It's like– a whole new phase of the nightmare.
I'll get to the point that I can almost cope with what happened– and then someone will question me about it and the whole thing begins again.
It almost feels as if... as if there's a time bomb ticking away and I have no idea when or if it will blow.
They tell me they need to know what's going on, but when I tell them what I saw and heard– they don't believe me. Its tempting to make something up– but that won't help those people who are still stuck inside.
I can't put this thing behind me because its still going on– its still inside and... I'm not sure if I want to go through my memories.
Case and I had a long talk about it and we finally came up with something to help. I'm checking out of the hospital tomorrow... Thursday at the latest... then I'm going to have a long visit with Mrs. Walker.
The Doctors think I'm making a big mistake. The government men are trying to tell me that its awfully suspicious...that I'm hiding something. All I know is– if I stay here its only going to get worse.
I tried to tell them as much, but they wouldn't listen. They kept pushing, trying to turn it into something it wasn't.
I almost took their bait, but Case escorted them out of the room. I could hear him... his tone was so... defensive...
He still won't tell me what he saw in there– I'm beginning to wonder if its for my good or his. I know it couldn't have been good.
I know the human mind will edit out things it knows you can't handle– I'm beginning to think that's the case.
I'm not exactly sure what happened since I got here. I'm on Council Island now– away from the rest of the world. Here I'm family and I think that's some of what's been missing. I spent a few hours just watching Bri– watching the clouds...
Everything seems almost unreal– and yet I know it was all too real.
Getting out of the hospital was interesting in and of itself. After running the gauntlet of concerned case workers and intelligence officers– we ran straight into the horde of reporters who were trying to get a better picture of what was going on.
I guess I don't blame them for that and yet– and yet its almost as bad as being inside...
Case saw what it was doing to me. He picked me up and bulled his way through the crowd.... it was a blur, but like I said– the mind edits out the things you can't deal with.
Everyone on Council Island seemed to know I was coming. Reporters were kindly turned away and I think it was the first time since the whole mess began that I actually felt safe.
Mom Walker'll do that to you– her and her ‘workshop.'
I'm happy to be her primary project for a while.
I wonder how Ange is doing.
Today was one of the most... draining days I've had. Mom Walker took me back– through my mind, helped me deal with what I could deal with– and helped me come to terms with the rest. By the time I was done I was physically, and more importantly emotionally drained...
The one good thing– most of the tension has been drained away as well. It was a six day nightmare that I lived through. And its taken me this long to even get a hold of that much.
I lived through it. I survived... There are people who haven't, and there are people still living it– and that is something else I need to deal with.
Mrs Walker said that I will find a way to deal with it in my own way– in my own time. I think she knows what I'm planning. We'll see if it helps or not.
I think Case had prepared himself for just about anything– except what I came up with.
I'm going back in.
Not inside– I'm not that crazy. But I am going to go back into the underground– or wherever Lee-Anne's people set up shop.
I can't get people out– I'm not that strong– but I can help them once they are out, and that's a start.
I hope.
"I hope."
Two words I never thought I'd see again. I think that was the worst part. I gave up on hope. There was none– and that was the real killer.
I would rather die than face that... insanity again.
I almost died in there– and not physically either. Spiritually... I almost lost... my mind? My soul? Everything that truly is important.
Sometimes I think it would have been better if Case had been there from the start– but it wouldn't– not really. He's been there– he understands, but it doesn't stop him from blaming himself for not being there.
I'm glad he wasn't... besides, he was there when it really mattered.
That's the next part of Mom's therapy– Case and I dealing with what happened to the other... I think I had it easy. Case has put in for a leave of absence– not like it's any surprise... I think the Director knew what he'd have to do– and gave him the room to do it.
It wasn't like he wasn't following orders... from what I can gather, they'd told him to stay away from the command post. They didn't tell him not to go in.
We'll see about that later. Right now– I've got some living... and hoping... to do.