{Warning: This fanfic has blood, death, and absolutely no plot whatsoever.} {DISCLAIMERS: Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi, Toei, Kodansha, and possibly other big companies. Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takayashi, Viz, and possibly other big companies. Don't sue me.} (It is a beautiful day somewhere on this planet. Birds are chirping. The sun is shining. Yet, somewhere, things are not so pretty. Somewhere, a trio of villians....who've never been to the Amazon ....are planning an infernal deed....or not.) THE LAUGHING CONTEST a darkfic parody Setting: A waiting room. Esmeraude sits in there, alone in her standard Champagne Glass Tub(tm). Esmeraude: I am bored. Bored bored bored. Ladeedada. So bored. [Suddenly, a giant movable treadmill enters. On the treadmill is a man in a white lab coat. He has an insane smile and shiny glasses.] Esmeraude: Hey, prof! What's up? Professor Tomoe: Hi (puff puff) Esmeraude! I've been so busy conquering the world I forgot to excersise and eat a balanced diet! (puff puff) Those things are important, you know. So, are we the only ones here? (puff puff) Esmeraude: So far. Zoisite's not here. Funny thing, though. Tomoe: What? (puff puff) Esmeraude: They spelled his name wrong. Tomoe: (puff puff) Huh? Esmeraude: Yeah, it's spelled Z-O-Y-C-I-T-E. Also lists him as a girl. Suddenly Zoycite enters in a swirl of petals. Tomoe: Hey, what happened to Zoisite? Zoycite: I AM Zoisite! Or I was. Back when I was in Japan. Esmeraude and Tomoe: Huh? Zoycite: I went to North America and decided to have a sex-change operation. I've taken hormonal pills. They've affected my voice, but-- {looks at chest}--can't say I really see much improvement there. Also changed my name. Tomoe: You do this often? Zoycite: NO! What kind of freak runs around changing their sex all the time? [The Three Lights and Ranma Boy form enter.] Three Lights: Healer/Maker/Fighter StarPower, Make Up! [From out of nowhere water falls on Ranma boy form's head] [The Sailor StarLights and Ranma girl form look around. Suddenly, a safe drops on top of the StarLights, killing them.] Esmeraude: That didn't have any point! [A spear comes down and stabs Ranma girl form, killing her.] Tomoe: That did. Zoycite: Pity they died. Wonder why? Tomoe: Here it is. Look, you guys. [They all read: THE LAUGHING CONTEST a darkfic parody] Esmeraude: Since it's a darkfic, everybody will die gruesome, bloody deaths. Tomoe: And, since it's a parody, there will be many attempts at cheap, one shot humor regarding the deaths. Zoycite: How do we die? [Tomoe flips ahead in the story.] Tomoe: Here it is. We start the laughing contest....who has the best laugh... Zoycite: So that's where this fanfic got it's name! Tomoe: And we all choke on our own phlegm and die. Zoycite: Now, that's original. Tomoe: Actually, it is. I can't recall anybody else dying that way in a fanfic. [Everybody mulls over that one.] [Suddenly, Sailor Moon enters, backing in. She is followed by a furious Sailor Mars] Sailor Moon: Mamo-chan's *my* boyfriend! Sailor Mars: I love him! I still love him! Who gives a shit about destiny? You won't have him! DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! [Sailor Mars then kicks Sailor Moon in the chest. Her heel punctures the skin, going through to the heart. Blood spurts everywhere. Sailor Moon dies. Tuxedo Kamen enters] Tuxedo Kamen: Die, Sailor Mars! Sailor Mars: Wait! Have sex with me first! You won't be able to do it with her! Unless you're into that sort of thing. Tuxedo Kamen (considering) OK. [Tuxedo Kamen and Sailor Mars have wild, hot, and crazy sex.) Tuxedo Kamen: Where were we? Oh, yeah. [Tuxedo Kamen changed to Prince Endymion. He raises the sword over Mars' head.] Prince Endymion: Now, as I was saying before, Die, Sailor Mars. DIE! [Prince Endymion brings the sword down on Sailor Mars' head. She falls down dead.] [Prince Endymion holds the sword up and laughs. Suddenly, from out of nowhere a burst of electricity hits the sword and elecrocutes Endymion. He dies.] Esmeraude: One question. Why the heck is everybody coming in here? Tomoe: Simple. The author's too lazy to bother to try and think up a map for this place. So everybody dies in this little room. [Right on cue, Haruka and Michiru enter, arguing.] Haruka: You cheated on me! NO FAIR! I'm supposed to be the one flirting, not you! Apologize! Michiru: No. I dislike you. In fact, I hate you. So, that I will never be bothered by you again, I will kill you. [Michiru pushes Haruka into a pool which has magically appeared before them. Even though Haruka is stronger naturally, Michiru has the advantage of water.] Haruka (thinking): Can't breathe... [Haruka reaches into her pocket and pushes a button on some sort of remote control device (which happens to be waterproof). She then dies.] [Suddenly, a bright yellow sportscar with no driver enters the room. It runs over Michiru, killing her. The car crashes into the wall and explodes in a burst of flames.] Zoysite: Who's next? [Just then Ami and Makoto enter, trying to, you guessed it, kill each other.] Ami: Don't call me geek! [Ami tries to stab Makoto with a pen] Makoto: Don't call me amazon! [Makoto tries to stuff brownie in Ami's mouth.] Ami and Makoto: ARRRGH! DIE! Marie: WAIT! Ami and Makoto: What? Can't you see we're trying to kill each other? Marie: Don't you know anything? Rule 42b of Sailor Moon darkfics states that Ami's life must be made torn apart before she dies. Sheesh. Ami and Makoto: Oh. Ok. [Just then, a whole bunch of people walk in. They make fun of Ami. Her teachers tell her she cheated. They tell her nobody likes her and do other stuff that rips her life apart. They all walk into a canyon and die.] Marie: Ok. I'm satisfied. You can kill each other. Makoto: Where were we? Ami and Makoto: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Ami stabs Makoto thousands of times. Blood spurts everywhere. Makoto shoves brownies down Ami's throat, causing Ami to choke. Both Ami and Makoto fall down, dead.] [Chibi-Moon runs into the room.] Chibi-Moon: HELP ME! Sailor Venus: VENUS LOVE ME CHAIN!!!! [Sailor Venus's chain wraps around Chibi-Moon's neck, choking her.] Chibi-Moon: Twinkle Yell/Bell! [Chibi-Moon dies] [Suddenly, Pegasus enters. He stabs Sailor Venus with his horn. Sailor Venus dies. Pegasus accidently runs into Haruka's still burning car and is burned to death.] Pluto: DARK DOME CLOSE! [Sailor Pluto appears. She has stopped time. The wind blows around her. Suddenly, a gust of wind shifts, causing Sailor Pluto to hit herself on the head with her time staff. Sailor Pluto dies.] [Just then, lots of characters--every single one, save the three in the laughing contest and those that have already appeared and Sailor Saturn, come in. They all kill each other.] Zoysite (not knowing about Sailor Saturn): What next? Tomoe: The contest begins. Esmeraude: All right. Zoysite, Tomoe, and Esmeraude: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! [Zoycite, Tomoe, and Esmeraude choke on their own phlegm and fall down, dead.] THE END Epilogue: [A young girl, with black hair, wearing a Sailor fuku enters. It is Sailor Saturn] Sailor Saturn: Death-- Marie: Wait! What are you doing? Sailor Saturn: I'm using my ultimate attack, duh. I'm gonna destroy the world. Marie: But then nobody'll be able to read this fanfic! Sailor Saturn: Hey, I don't torture people. All I'm doing is showing the world a little...no, a lot of mercy! DEATH RIBBON REVOLUTION!!! [The world is destroyed, and everybody dies.] Now, it is truly....THE END