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You can’t have everything, because, well, where would you put it all?
Miracles are great but they are so dam unpredictable. -Peter Drucker
Always borrow from the pessimist - he never expects it back.
Early to rise, and early to bed,
Makes a man healthy, but socially dead.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
And so am I. -Billy Connolly
I know it all... I just can’t remember it all at once.
Love at first sight is not only romantic, it conserves time and money too. -Fabio
The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but someone still has to cut it.
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
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Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
In a mad world only the mad are sane. -Akira Kurosawa
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
I do not suggest that you should not have an open mind ... but don't keep your mind so open that your brains fall out. -William J. Bennett
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Every election, Mickey Mouse looks better and better as President. -Duncan Long
Marge, the reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think! -Homer Simpson
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn off.
A real friend is someone who is there for you when he would rather be somewhere else. -unknown
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?