Tourist guide to India
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guide has been hand-crafted from the finest electrons for your
reading pleasure. "Why?" you ask? Er... supply grumble mumble
demand. So here is the guide to my country, India.
India is known by various names, ranging from The Jewel In The Crown to
The Land of Snake Charmers. However, most Indians would be surprised
to hear either of these things, because they consider India as being
the place in which they live, and which fits neither of these
descriptions at all.
A famous guy whose name is not important (chiefly because I cannot rem-
member it) once said in a weak moment, "Everything that you hear about
India is true. The opposite is also true." What an idiot... Anyway,
this probably may go a long way towards explaining why tourists in India
(that includes YOU, stupid) usually feel like they do not know whether
to laugh or to cry. Especially when the natives keep laughing at you
most of the time.
Location
========
Unless it moved recently, India is located on the southern edge of
Asia, which is rather neat because we are right next to the Indian
ocean too. Would have confused people otherwise, I mean, imagine
finding the Indian ocean there and seeing India somewhere on the
other side of the world. Well, luckily for map-makers, that isn't
the case unlike for instance, _a_certain_European_colonial_power_
_whom_we_shall_not_identify_by_name, who is not located anyhere near
French Samoa.
How to get there
================
Getting there is half the fun, especially if you fly Air India (A.I.),
the national airline. The domestic airline is Indian Airlines (I.A.),
which is rather clever because they can re-use the same letters in the
acronym. We heard recently that having picked up some knowledge about
other alphabets, practically everyone and his brother is now starting
up local airlines, such as Vayudoot, Damania and Megalomania.
The conventional way to enter the country is through one of the inter-
national airports which are in Bombay, New Delhi, Calcutta and Madras.
Most people who land there are headed somewhere else in India, which
might make you wonder why the airports were set up there in the first
place, but that's the way it is, and remember that you are just a
measly tourist and who the heck are you to tell us where to put our
airports anyway? And oh yeah, I was asked to welcome you, even if I
thought you were a poor, sad excuse for a human as long as you were
fool enough to give us your money. So, Welcome to India.
For the more adventurous minded tourist, there are other ways of
entering the country, such as first going to Pakistan and crossing the
border into Kashmir. Should you choose this route, the Pakistani
government provides you (at no extra charge) with the latest in US
Army surplus AK-47s as an incentive. (Offer good till supplies last.
The Government of Pakistan reserves the right to substitute other
weaponry without prior notice.) While this means you can get an all-
expenses-paid to the Kashmir Valley, the catch is that it is very
difficult to get travel insurance on this trip. Something to do with
getting killed or something. I dunno.
You can choose to travel to Bangladesh first, which also provides free
infiltration services, particularly into the Northeastern parts of
India, but I hear that tourism is difficult in those regions. The
natives in Northeastern India don't speak English anymore, since they
have discovered that assault rifles are a more lucid way of getting the
point across to dumbfucks illegally crossing over the border from
Bangladesh. Besides, this way they don't have to worry about dangling
participles and split infinitives, always a problem when you try to
communicate in English. They are reported to ask questions later, a
point which is of little comfort to anyone who's been shot first.
Besides, you would first have to go to Bangladesh, and who wants to do
that.
Finally, you could take the boat ride from Sri Lanka to India, but the
catch is that you won't be able to see much of India because you will
be sent back on the next boat to Sri Lanka. Not much of India you can
see in an afternoon.
Indian hospitality
==================
Foreign tourists are welcome in most parts of India, and are referred to
as "gora firangi", which is Indian for "fat-assed foreign bastard with
diarrhea and way too much money". Where does the diarrhea come into the
picture? Well I'd rather not go into the details, you know well enough
where it does. If you want to know where you got it from, I would say
the water, or the food, or the air. Of course the real reason is that
you are a wimpy foreigner whose stomach isn't strong enough to take care
of itself, and we are just too damn polite to say so to your face. The
least you could do is to quit whining. Thank you.
People
======
First of all, there are a lot of them. Get used to it. There are so
many of them that India's primary contribution to the sociological
spectrum is the mob. They come in various shapes and sizes, primarily
in two sexes (stop sniggering, sex in this context means gender), and
range from fair to dark. Most people of marriageable age can be
identified easily because they turn a distinctive colour best described
as "wheatish complexioned".
Indian names are difficult to pronounce, which is why most Indian kids
have nicknames like Babloo. If you forget someone's name, I would
advise you against referring to him as Whatsisface, simply because
there may be some guy within earshot called Chandragupta Harshavardhana
Whatsisface and he may think you are talking about him. If you have to,
at least say Mr. Whatsisface, and pray that there isn't a woman around
called Mrs. Whatsisface. Better still, keep your big mouth shut, but
this may be impossible to do if you are an American tourist.
Among the mi