I was not at all prepared for what happened and as I write this I am still in a fog. It was difficult for me to go to the funeral because, even though I had spoken to her on the phone several times I had not seen Aunt Jan in 3 or 4 years.

She had been in a Boarding Home and the last time I saw her she was in the hospital with a broken leg. Jan was mentally challenged and also had a very rare skin disorder which caused her to have tumors all over her face and body. Her physical appearance always caused folks to stare. If it ever bothered her, she didn't let us know.

What did bother her was if she had an epileptic seizure...not that she was embarrassed but felt bad that someone had to take care of her. As we arrived at the funeral home the rest of the relatives were also beginning to arrive. Aunts, Uncles, cousins...folks I hadn't seen in ages. Friends of hers I didn't know.

I looked at her, lying so peacefully in her casket. Her hands folded neatly across her waist. Her face was serene and I thought there was a bit of a smirk... As I think about it, the one thing missing was a bottle of PEPSI. She should have had "ONE TO GO!"

I shut myself "DOWN" as I didn't want to deal with some unpleasant memories of my own. I ignored those that were making me uncomfortable, although they probably didn't even realize I was ignoring them.

In itself, it was what I considered a "NORMAL" opening to a funeral. The CARE attendant spoke briefly and introduced the minister of the Grace Lutheran Church where Jan had been a member for many years. She was a beautiful young woman such grace and soft ( yet very strong) voice; all my anxieties were put aside very quickly. She and my Aunt Marty recalled many memories and how Jan just always, ALWAYS, loved and forgave without ever questioning.

Many people, especially her brothers, were cruel and hurtful to her when they were all growing up. I remember their taunts, probably more clearly than she did; but maybe she shut them out in her own way. She never asked for anything in return for her unquestioning love...except in a laughter of her own she would ask for a PEPSI~COLA and a bag of popcorn.

As they continued with their messages, I heard someone begin to weep deeply; yet I did not turn to see the source but, instead, held tightly onto my own Mother's hands. It came time for the readings of the scriptures. The kind Reverend invited us all to join her in saying the 23rd Psalm.

I closed my eyes to speak the words and before I could even utter one sound, the most brilliant light appeared before me. Aunt Janice was more beautiful than any sight I had ever encountered...and between the words of the gospel she engulfed me with her LIGHT and her LOVE and then relayed this message to me.

It was not in the form of any language that we as mortals speak; but it was loud and clear. She relayed to me," I HAVE FORGIVEN THEM FOR WHAT THEY DID TO ME, NOW IT IS YOUR TURN. THEIR PAIN HAS BEEN WITH THEM LONG ENOUGH." She was gone as quickly as she had appeared. I thought I would faint as my own breath stopped for a brief few moments.

As the passages continued, the sobbing from behind me intensified. I sat there, dazed and vaguely aware of anything but my Grandmother's own wailing...a sound so pitiful...I did not dare look at her. Somehow, I managed to glance at my own daughter...to make sure she was all right. She sat quietly in the seats behind my Mother and I.

As the ceremony ended, I turned to find my Uncle just curled into a fetal position in the chair; his girlfriend stoic and unresponding ( probably at a loss on how to comfort him). The next thing I knew was that I was holding him; he was holding me.

I had barely spoken a dozen words to him in recent years. Still, I had nothing to say but "It is over. It's alright now and we can all move on." I had never confronted him of those unspeakable things, but in those brief moments, he knew that I knew and remembered. BUT! he knew then, it was over. All of us were on a journey to heal and move forward.

When the opportunity was made available I embraced my other uncle. The same release happened; like when I handed a stranger my ANGEL pin in the fall.

Submitted by: Rachel Hanna
Border Background by: Nancy

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