"That's one more box filled", I told myself. Mom had been sealing her boxes with tape. I wasn't quite ready to do that just yet. "Look sweetheart, if you see something you want, just keep it." Mom said. So many of her things were filled with memories. I felt I wasn't ready to part with anything just yet. This only made the packing take longer than it should have.

Granny lived a long life, I know, but being only sixteen. I wanted to hold everything she had for one last time. I knew it wouldn't bring her back, but I just want hold on to her that much longer with each and every item.

It was just me and Mom doing this difficult task. My older siblings, Barbara and Nick, were tied down to their new jobs. They found time for the services, but they couldn't help out with the hardest part, sorting through Granny's life. "Besides," Barb said, "Granny always loved you the best." I wanted to argue, but it was true. I never knew why, but Granny and me always seem to have a special bond.

Granny was wonderful and loving to all of us, but for some reason, I was always at the top of her list. "My precious little Lauren", she always whispered, whenever she hugged me.

Her little house always seemed cozy, but for this night, it was very drafty. I found her favorite sweater in one of the dresser drawers. "This I will most certainly keep" I thought to myself". When I was only five or six, I'd use it as a blanket, cuddled in her lap, whenever she would read to me. I loved her scent that always clung to it. It was old, but it was very thick. It wore well with time. I put it on, hoping it would keep me warm. Instead, I felt colder. Regardless, I wore the sweater while I packed more of Granny's things.

I had spent many nights in Granny's bedroom, so I thought I'd lie on her bed for a few minutes to try and relive some of those memories with her. I must have drifted off. I slowly opened my eyes and found myself in bed, but not in Granny's bed.

Everything was sterile, especially the man at the foot of my bed. He never once looked at me. His eyes were glued to a clipboard in his hands, but he never looked at me. "No problems," he said. Then he left the room without another word. I noticed I was still wearing Granny's sweater when someone grabbed my arm and said, "it will be alright." As cold as the man's face was, the woman's was warm. "Don't worry about the Doctor," she said, "your baby couldn't be in better hands, Vivian."

My eyes opened suddenly. Granny's name was Vivian. It jolted me, but I knew it was just a dream. It was late, but I packed a few more of Granny's clothes from a dresser before I called it a night. After a hot bath, I again put Granny's sweater on, and crawled into her bed. I fell into a deep sleep, and again, I found myself back in that bed. I laid there, in the same bed, in that same sweater, feeling empty and cold. That cold looking man was at the foot of the bed again. Again, he only looked at the chart."What happened," I asked. "That's not your concern." He STILL didn't look at me. "What was it?" He left the room, without a word or glance. The woman, a nurse, was still there. She grabbed my hand and said softly, but urgently, "I didn't tell you this, but the adopting couple named your daughter, Lauren."

Wow! I'm Lauren! Suddenly, I laid awake in Granny's bed not knowing what to think. Granny always used to hold me and say, "you came back! I knew you'd come back!". I never knew what it meant.

The dream woke me up. I knew that somehow the dreams were trying to tell me something. I also felt the sweater was helping me to open my mind to accept whatever I would learn. I pushed myself deeper into Granny's bed, still in her sweater. I was feeling safe and warm, when I fell back to sleep. It was a sound sleep.

I remembered … nothing. The only image that stayed with me was a bookcase filled with books. I noticed one lonely book without a title on the spine. When I awoke, I was disappointed. "There has to be more", I thought.

The next morning Mom and I started to tape all the boxes closed, when I suddenly remembered a certain book. We boxed all of Granny's books. We were going to give them to our town's library. I remembered one book that didn't have a title. The spine was thin and blank. I noticed it but didn't pay much attention. I rummaged through the boxes that weren't sealed and found that unlabeled book. That book was Granny's diary. Somehow I already knew what I was about to read. She became pregnant as a teenager, and quickly and quitely was sent away to a home for Unwed Mothers. The place was almost as hidden away from the public eye as she was. The Nuns and Doctors treated like the trash they said she was. One nurse, however, was compassionate.

The diary recorded her months of lonely heartache. The birth of her daughter, who was just an anxious whispered name to her. "LAUREN" It told of the tiny sweater she was knitting in the dark, and hidden in a hatbox, away from preying eyes.

Granny wanted to name my Mom, Lauren. My Great-Grandmom would have nothing to do with it. As Granny wrote, "she said, Why do you want your child you remind you of that!" She tried again when my Mom had Barb, but Great-Grandmom still felt it was wrong. My Mom never understood why "Lauren" was so important to Granny but by the time I was born, Great-Grandmom passed away and Granny stilled pressed it, so she gave in. Granny finally had her special little Lauren. We had our own special bond, our own special secrets. "We can always keep our secrets special," she'd say. And that was how it was. I could do the dumbest things and Granny wouldn't tell Mom.

While I read through that diary, I felt warm. I ran to the room where Mom was, I wanted to share the secret with her. Suddenly, I felt chilly again. I paused and decided I should hold off on reading the diary to Mom. The warmth from the sweater returned. I knew Granny wanted this to just be our secret for now. I found the tiny sweater wrapped in tissue paper hidden in a small hat-box on the back of the closet shelf. The delicate soft ball of white yearn still attatched to the incompleted labor of love. It is now hidden deep into the back of my closet.

I'm twenty-two now. I have tried to find my Aunt Lauren. It seems the hospital is big on confidentiality. Still, I really do believe that Granny will lead my Aunt Lauren to me when the time is right. For now, it's one of our special secrets. Mom always wished she had a sister, "SOMEDAY SHE WILL"!

Submitted by: Lauren Anduzer
Background by: Nancy

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