The Argument
A Man: walks into an office.
Man:: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
Man:: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see, well we'll see who's free at the moment. Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory. No. Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.
Man:: Thank you. (He enters room 12.)
Angry Man:: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man:: Well, Well, I was told outside that...
Angry Man:: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
Man:: What?
A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
MAN: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
MAN: Oh! Oh I see!
A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
MAN: Oh...Sorry...A: Not at all!
A: (under his breath) stupid git. (The Man: goes into room 12A. Another Man: is sitting behind a desk.)
Man:: Is this the right room for an argument?
Arguer:(pause) I've told you once.
Man:: No you haven't!
Arguer : Yes I have.
MAN: When?
ARGUER: Just now.
MAN: No you didn't!
ARGUER: Yes I did!
MAN: You didn't!
ARGUER: I did!
MAN: You didn't!
ARGUER: I'm telling you, I did!
MAN: You didn't!
ARGUER: (breaking into the developing argument) Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
MAN: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.
ARGUER: Just the five minutes. Thank you. Anyway, I did.
MAN: You most certainly did not!
ARGUER: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!
MAN: Oh no you didn't!
ARGUER: Oh yes I did! ___
MAN: Oh no you didn't!
ARGUER: Oh yes I did!
MAN: Oh no you didn't!
ARGUER: Oh yes I did!
MAN: Oh no you didn't!
ARGUER: Oh yes I did!
MAN: Oh no you didn't!
ARGUER: Oh yes I did!
MAN: Oh no you didn't!
ARGUER: Oh yes I did!
MAN: No you DIDN'T!
ARGUER: Oh yes I did!
MAN: No you DIDN'T!
ARGUER: Oh yes I did!
MAN: No you DIDN'T!
ARGUER: Oh yes I did!
MAN: Oh look, this isn't an argument! (pause)
ARGUER: Yes it is!
MAN: No it isn't! (pause)
MAN: It's just contradiction!
ARGUER: No it isn't!
MAN: It IS!
ARGUER: It is NOT!
MAN: You just contradicted me!
ARGUER: No I didn't!
MAN: You DID!
ARGUER: No no no!
MAN: You did just then!
ARGUER: Nonsense!
MAN: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!! (pause)
ARGUER: No it isn't!
MAN: Yes it is! (pause) I came here for a good argument!
ARGUER: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an *argument*!
MAN: An argument isn't just contradiction.
ARGUER: Well! it CAN be!
MAN: No it can't! An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a proposition.
ARGUER: No it isn't!
MAN: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
ARGUER: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!
MAN: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't".
ARGUER: Yes it is!
MAN: No it isn't!
ARGUER: Yes it is!
MAN: No it isn't!
ARGUER: Yes it is!
MAN: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
ARGUER: It is NOT!MAN: It is!
ARGUER: Not at all!
MAN: It is! >DING!< (The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops).
ARGUER: Thank you, that's it.
MAN: (stunned) What?
ARGUER: That's it. Good morning.
MAN: But I was just getting interested!
ARGUER: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
MAN: That was never five minutes!!
ARGUER: I'm afraid it was.
MAN: (leading on) No it wasn't..... (pause)
ARGUER: (dirty look) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
MAN: WHAT??ARGUER: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
MAN: But that was never five minutes just now! (pause... the Other Man: raises his eyebrows) Oh Come on! Oh this is... This is ridiculous!
ARGUER: I told you... I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
MAN: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.
ARGUER: Thank you.
MAN: (clears throat) Well...
ARGUER: Well WHAT?
MAN: That was never five minutes just now.
ARGUER: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
MAN: Well I just paid!
ARGUER: No you didn't!
MAN: I DID!!!
ARGUER: YOU didn't!
MAN: I DID!!!
ARGUER: YOU didn't!
MAN: I DID!!!
ARGUER: YOU didn't!
MAN: I DID!!!
ARGUER: YOU didn't!
MAN: (unable to talk straight he's so mad) I don't want to argue about it!
ARGUER: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
MAN: Ah HAH!! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!
ARGUER: (pause) No you haven't!
MAN: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid.
ARGUER: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing in my spare time.