F.A.C.T. #4


At first, we had thought that C.R.A.P. was dead. Nay, thought in this case is somewhat unjustified, but we had sincerely hoped that C.R.A.P. was dead. This was not, however, the case, as we were so shocked to discern yesterday. It seems completely implausible, but apparently this foul knave "Kronic" has gone behind our backs and resumed his crusade in which he plans to corrupt the minds of every last one of our nation's youth*. But we, the proud board of Fascists Against Crap Training, have vowed that this shall never come to pass. We have vowed to Fight Until C.R.A.P.'s Killed, and no trickery or deceit on the part of this alleged "Kronic" shall deter us from our course of action.

To begin, we would like to clarify our master plan, which happens to be nearly eighty-seven percent fail-proof, to end the actions of this mob of "runners".

A. First course of action: Pass the "Brandy Bill", which will once and for all make this alleged activity of "running" completely illegal. We do not expect this to deter these "runners" from performing their cultist type rituals, as all know that "runners" are by their very nature the type of "people" that would do such things as breaking the law, using crack, or talking in a form of English largely dominated by neologies.

B. Second course of action: Release the top secret government tapes containing real life footage of Bill Clinton "running". We cannot see how any good Indiana folk would still pursue an activity which that man partakes in. Also, as this will be released following the prospective "Brandy Bill" has been passed, we shall have but one more reason to impeach the filthy democrat.

C. Third course of action: Take away all respect and dignity of any that perform the alleged activity of "running". The only way in which they will ever be able to redeem their shattered honor shall be to partake in the real sport, Football**.

D. Fourth course of action: We are hoping at this point that we will not have to progress this far in our plans, and that by this time C.R.A.P. will have lost all support, will have its flow of incoming "runners" stemmed, and even more importantly, will no longer be considered a "cool" thing to do. We are planning on offering a form of rehabilitation to all these former "runners" that come seeking a "rebirth" out of their former sins, and as a precautionary measure will then quarantine them in private cells that they might have no chance to spread the ills of their former "activity".

E. If all else fails, we plan to just shoot them all.

After fully pursuing these set courses of actions, which are, as we have previously stated, eighty-seven percent fool-proof, C.R.A.P. should be vanquished, driven so far into obscurity that they might never again plague our society with his mumbo jumbo which he uses as propaganda to sway the minds of our nation's youth towards the dark side; towards "Running". We apologize for the inconvenience this disturbing newsletter may have caused you, but will not shy from interrupting your peace of mind again in the future should situations deem it necessary.

* Actually, he does not in any way shape or form expect every last one of our nation's youth to take up this slightly athletic endeavor of "running". He is not nearly so foolish as to believe that they would all lower themselves down to his level, down to the mentality of a "running". They are, on the most part, too intelligent for that. But our goal, here on the board of F.A.C.T., is to protect the simple folk, the people of the land, you know, the morons, because that's what government is really all about; Protecting the stupid people. ** Cancel that. We just realized that our society is already like that. Sorry for the potential inconvenience which this inaccuracy may have caused you, but realize that we were by no means kidding when we said that we would not hesitate from interrupting your peace of mind again in the future if situations deem it necessary.