P.A.R.C. #1

That foul-mouthed brat referred to only as "the Kronic" has gone too far!!! We, the Politicians Advocating the Removal of C.R.A.P., and sick and tired of the Kronic's ramblings, and, well, to be quite honest, CRAP. In the past three weeks, this troublemaker has incited a record number of riots, food fights, and traffic fatalities. When questioned, his only answer was "Shut the %$(* up!" We cannot tolerate this disrupting behavior in our schools any longer. To combat the Kronic's rebellion-inciting activites, such as running, running, and drug running for his mom, we have taken a number of steps to combat the Kronic's rebellion-inciting activites (yes, I know that's redundant but I'm trying to get my point across here). As of Monday, November 23, we began playing loud adult contemporary music in the cafeteria in an attempt to drown out this evil individual's profane language. Unfortunantely, this action has not met with much success. Quite frankly, it's been a complete failure. But we will keep trying. Another point of concern for us here at P.A.R.C. is the sudden increase in traffic accidents in and around the city limits of Zionsville since the commencement of C.R.A.P. season. Here is the direct report from our very own police chief (found sitting in his car in the high school parking lot eating a box of Dunkin' Donuts): In 1898, there were a total of five traffic accidents in Zionsville, four of which were caused by these rebellious youngsters. So far this year, there have been a total of 1,487,509 traffic accidents in Zionsville, which at least TWENTY have been attributed to runners!!! That's an increase of over 500 percent, people!!! This cannot be tolerated!!! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go meet a friend at Burger King. There you have it!!! The facts do not lie. So decide for yourself, which would you rather have: ten or fifteen scamps running loose on the streets, or security and peace of mind while driving. I think the answer is clear. Please make the right decision.
NOTE : This newly formed organization of Politicians Advocating the Removal of C.R.A.P. is not to be confused with Fascists Against C.R.A.P. Training, another highly respectable organization. You'll just have to excuse the president of F.A.C.T. for a while, because, apparently, he's too lazy to get up off his ass and do something about this travesty running wild in the streets. And as always, neither C.R.A.P., F.A.C.T., nor P.A.R.C. have anything AT ALL to do with cross-country or even running, if you want to get picky.