As final boarding for flight 1160 to New York was called, Cassandra Ashton tapped her fingers nervously on her boarding pass. She got in line. "What am I doing?" she asked herself for about the fiftieth time that day alone, not to mention the thousand or so other times she'd asked herself that same question while she was packing. Several answers filled her head. Her father's voice. "You're going to do exactly what you've always wanted to do; you're going to live out your dream." Her mother's voice. "You're deserting your family. You're leaving your baby brother and sister at home with no one to look up to." Cassie's eyes stung with tears. She hated disappointing her mother, yet she felt it was all she did. Luckily, her father was supporting her through this big move. He'd secretly put thousands of dollars into Cassie's checking account. And he was right, Cassie decided. She was going to live out her dream. It wasn't a selfish move. She had to make herself happy before she could make anyone else happy.
Cassie handed her boarding pass to the flight attendant. She started for the gate when she heard: "Cassie!" She spun around. It was her mother, tears streaming down her face. The rest of her family had already said goodbye, but her mother had stayed in her bedroom, thinking maybe if she were stubborn enough about this whole move, Cassie would change her mind. Now, she ran towards her eldest daughter, arms outstretched. She flung her arms around Cassie. "I love you Cass, and I"m sorry I haven't been very supportive," Christine Ashton said. "It's okay Mom, it really is, but--Mom, I have to go," Cassie said, her own eyes welling with tears. "I know, honey. But, here, I wanted to give you this-" a framed picture of the entire family, "and this-" a $20 bill. Cassie burst out laughing. "Thanks Mom," she said, grinning. "This should get me a cup of coffee when I get there," Christine Ashton laughed good-naturedly with her daughter. Cassie hugged her mother fiercely. "I'll call you when I get there. Kiss Bridget and Jacob for me. I love you and Dad very much," she said, turning to leave. And with that, she was gone.
On her flight from the small town of Southfield, Iowa to New York City, Cassie gazed at the picture of her family that her mother had given her. It had been taken about six months ago. Her father and mother were at the top. Her dad's dark brown eyes contrasted her mother's sparkling blue ones. Their skin was darkened from days of working on the farm in the sun. Cassie was on the other side of her father in the picture. Daddy's girl, from day one. Her soft, dark brown curls tumbled halfway down her back. She had the same color eyes as her father, wide and curious. Her skin was fair and flawless, the envy of most girls her age. Her high cheekbones, long eyelashes, and voluptuous figure were sending her to New York to begin a promising modeling career.
Next in the family picture was Bridget. She was 14, four years younger than Cassie. She had her mother's fine brown hair and ocean blue eyes. Everyone said Bridget would be a model too. Although there was a significant age difference, Bridget was already 5'7", only one inch shorter than her sister. Standing next to Bridget and below his mother was 11-year-old Jacob. The result of some recessive gene in the family, Jacob had a head of unruly sandy blond hair and a sprinkle of freckles across his nose. His blue eyes sparkled as he grinned mischievously. Jacob was the troublemaker. He was always chasing the farm animals around with a slingshot or sent home from school early for kissing all the girls. Cassie's father and mother often joked that they'd stopped having kids because of Jacob. "Aw Mom, you mean you stopped having kids after me because you knew it could never get any better than this," Jacob would say with a grin. Cassie felt her chest tighten as she remembered her kid brother's antics. Her family was her whole life up until now, could she really do this? Blinking her tears away, Cassie forced herself to shake off any doubts. It was too late now. [7-2-98]
On Cassie's first night in New York City, she decided she should go out and meet some people. She left most of her clothes in her suitcases in the middle of her already furnished apartment. The modeling agency she'd signed a contract with, David Broadway, had been nice enough to supply her with a furnished apartment in a fairly safe neighborhood. Her two roommates, one from Los Angeles and one from Yakima, Washington, would be arriving tomorrow. For the first year of their 3-year contract, the three girls would be paying rent together.
Cassie walked down the street for awhile until she found what looked like a decent bar to go into. She sat down alone, pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her purse, and lit one up. She had promised herself she'd quit smoking before she started working, but she convinced herself that this was strictly for social purposes.
A few minutes later, a waiter served her a glass of cranberry juice and vodka. "I didn't-" she started to say, but the waiter cut her off. "The gentleman over there asked me to bring this to you," he said, pointing to the left corner of the bar. Cassie followed the path of his finger. A man in his early 20's, with dark wavy hair and hazel eyes grinned in Cassie's direction. She smiled back at him, taking a sip of the drink. "Well, tell him...thank you very much," she said. "Will do ma'am," said the waiter, walking away. Cassie took a long drag of her cigarette and then put it down. She picked up her drink and headed over to her mystery man. He was still grinning. So was she. "Do you mind if I join you?" she asked. "Not at all," he replied, the grin seemingly glued on his face. She sat down across from him and leaned forward, her eyes fixed on his. "So what did I do to deserve this?" she asked in a half whisper, sipping her drink. "You walked in here, that's what you did," he replied. Cassie smiled and leaned back. She pulled another cigarette out of her purse and he lit it. "Thank you," Cassie said. He nodded. "So, what's your name?" he asked. "Cassandra." "A beautiful name for a beautiful girl. I'm Josh," Cassie rolled her eyes at the lame pick up lines. She took another drink. "So...Josh. What do you do for a living?" Cassie asked. "Not a thing. My dad was a rich bastard who died and left everything to me." "Does that make you happy?" "Sometimes," Cassie paused to take a drink. "And what do you do when you aren't happy?" "I come here looking for beautiful women who make me forget that I'm unhappy," Cassie finished her drink. "And are you happy right now?" she asked. The infectious grin returned to Josh's face. "I have no idea," he said. Cassie laughed. Josh ordered her another drink. "I'm going to regret this in the morning," Cassie said, taking another drag of her cigarette. "Why? Are you married?" Cassie grinned. "No." "Engaged?" "No." "Dating someone?" "No." "So what will you regret tomorrow?" "I have to meet my roommates tomorrow for the first time," Cassie replied. "Oh, did you just move here?" Josh asked. "Yes, today." "From?" "Southfield, Iowa." Josh grinned. "Iowa? That's farm country," he said. "Yes, I know. That's why I left." Cassie said. "Big city girl?" Josh asked. Cassie gulped her drink, trying to forget that she missed her family. "Damn straight," she said. "So why are you here?" Josh asked, signaling the waiter for another drink. "I'm modeling. Two months ago, I signed a 3-year binding contract to model here starting Monday," Cassie replied. Josh watched as Cassie started on her third drink. "Is that alcohol good for your figure?" he asked. Cassie slammed the glass down, half-empty. Some of the liquid spilled over the side. "Who cares? Dance with me," She demanded. The alcohol was hitting her hard; she'd drank so much in such a short amount of time. Josh took her hand and led her to the dance floor. They danced very close and very fast. When they finally went back to their table, they were both out of breath. "Wow, you are really something," Josh commented. Cassie tilted her head back and finished off the drink. "Yes, I am something," she said. "But what?" Josh smiled and took Cassie in his arms. "Come back with me to my place tonight," he said. "I just got here," Cassie protested. "I know, I know. We don't have to leave now. But oh, I want you. You are amazing," Josh said, pressing his lips to her cheek. "If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that..." Cassie joked, pulling away. Josh bought her another drink. He found that the more he pried about her family, the more she drank. She finished her fourth cranberry juice and vodka within minutes and then downed a double shot of tequila. Josh was able to get her to drink one more shot of tequila before she begged him to take her out of the bar. "Take me home," she pleaded. "Take me to Iowa. I miss the chickens," she giggled, stumbling over her own feet. Josh put his arm around Cassie to steady her. "Cass, where do you live?" Josh asked. "77th and Broadway," Cassie replied. Josh hailed them a cab and gave him Cassie's address.
On the way back to Cassie's apartment, she and Josh were all over each other, arms groping, face sucking. When they reached Cassie's apartment, the cabbie cleared his throat. Cassie pulled away from Josh. "Pay the man," she ordered, climbing out of the cab unsteadily. Josh paid the cabbie and joined her. "This is where we say byebye," Cassie said, flinging her arms around Josh's neck. "Cassie, don't you want me to come in?" he asked, insulted. "Not tonight. Tonight, I must sleep," Cassie replied, slurring her words. Josh kissed Cassie's lips, then her neck. "At least let me come in and make sure you get to sleep okay," he said. "Alright, alright, come on," Cassie said, leaving him inside and up to her apartment. [7-3-98]
"Wow! This is a really nice place," Josh said as he and Cassie entered her apartment. "Isn't it? I love it," Cassie replied, throwing herself onto a soft white sofa. Josh sat down opposite Cassie in a beige armchair. "Oh, forgive me, there I go eing rude to my guest," Cassie began with a giggle. "Can I get you anything to drink?" Josh shook his head. "Anything to eat?" Cassie asked. "No," Cassie sat up, barely able to maintain her balance. "If I didn't know any better, I would say you didn't come up here for my hospitality or simply because you enjoy my company. YOu came up here to get fucked." Josh nodded slowly. "You've a very perceptive drunk," he said, a sickening grin spreading across his face. Cassie got off the couch, no longer feeling as giddy and happy as she had felt only a few minutes ago. "Well, I don't know what kind of girl you think I am, but-" Cassie cut herself off, stumbling into the couch and losing her balance. In one swift motion, Josh was off the chair and had pulled Cassie to her feet. Silence reigned for a minute. "Thank you," she said. Josh wrapped his arms around her. "Just let me stay a few more minutes," he whispered in her ear. "Staying a few more minutes isn't going to make me change my mind," Cassie said. Josh ignored her, pressing his lips to hers, then moving them down to her neck. Soon, his hands were at her waist, then creeping under her shirt. Cassie pulled away from him, her vision starting to get blurry. "No...no more. I have to go to bed," she said, and then continued to ramble. "Thanks for everything and for bringing me home and making sure I was okay. Maybe I'll call you and we can get together again or-" "Cassie!" She jumped, startled at his tone. She looked at Josh. "What?" "I'm not leaving," he said. Cassie began retreating. "What do you mean?" she asked, trying to stall. Josh started advancing towards her. "If you would just...cooperate, this whole thing would be so much less painful," he replied, too calmly. Cassie, scared now, felt her eyes fill with tears. She had absolutely no defense and she knew it. "Please...go," she whimpered, knowing it would do no good. The look in Josh's eyes told her so. Josh backed her up into a wall and held her arms down. Cassie closed her eyes. This couldn't be real. This couldn't be happening to her. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes just in time to see Josh unbutton his pants. Cassie's breath caught in her throat and her eyes spilled over with tears. "Oh God...no..." she said weakly. "Shut up," Josh said firmly, not even looking at her. Cassie felt his hands start up her skirt and instinctively shoved him away. She looked for a place to run but there was none. She started for the door, but in a second, Josh had knocked her to the floor. Cassie screamed and Josh backhanded her across the face. "Shut up!" he shouted. Cassie was crying freely now, writhing underneath Josh's powerful grip. He ripped her shirt off in one movement, and used it as a gag. Using one hand to hold her body down against the floor, he used the other hand to remove her skirt. There was nothing Cassie could do. In her extreme intoxication, anything she had ever learned about self defense was forgotten. She was terrified, but her mind was a mess. Everything was spinning and unreal, as if she were watching this horrific act take place against some other frightened girl.
Cassie squeezed her eyes shut and waited. Upon the first thrust, a scream began in Cassie's toes and worked its way up her body and out her mouth, muffled by the gag. He pinned her arms down with his hands and pushed himself farther into her. Cassie felt each separate carpet fiber burning into her skin over and over again. Josh was relentless. He was no longer the generous guy from the bar. He was no longer a guy at all. He was a monster, ripping at her physically, emotionally, and mentally. The tears continued flooding Cassie's face. Whatever struggle she'd had inside of her was gone. She lay beneath him, weak and unmoving. When Josh was finished, he jumped up and pulled on his pants quickly. Cassie continued to lay on the floor, motionless. Josh knelt down beside her and pulled a switchblade out of his pocket. He held it to Cassie's throat, removing the gag. "A word about this to anyone and you die," he whispered. Cassie still hadn't moved. Her eyes remained closed. She wanted to be dead. "Do you understand?" No response. "Do you?" Nothing. Josh cupped his hand and slapped her hard across the face. "Show me you understand, bitch!" he shouted. Cassie opened her eyes halfway, the door to which fresh tears flowed out of. "I understand," she said, barely audible. "That's better," Josh said, putting his switchblade away. "Now where's your purse?" he asked aloud, spotting it a second later on the floor by the couch. He opened her wallet and grabbed the $500 in cash that her father had given her. He rummaged around in her purse a little more and found the lone $20 given to her by her mother at the airport. "Mommy and Daddy's trust fund, thanks kid," he muttered, pocketing the money, stepping over a silently weeping Cassie, and exiting without a sound. [10-26-98]
Cassie laid on the floor unmoving for several hours after Josh had left. She stared at the ceiling, wondering what had gone wrong. Around 5am, she stood up in the middle of the room she was so unfamiliar with. She spotted her shirt at one end of the room and her skirt at the other. Her head was throbbing. Suddenly, she felt terribly sick. Clad in only her bra and underwear, Cassie bolted to the bathroom in just enough time to drop to her knees and throw up. The alcohol burned her throat coming back up. Her lower body was also burning from where Josh had ripped into her. She had been a virgin. Cassie rested her body back onto her knees, feeling a little bit better, but the realization of what had happened to her was creeping up. She began to cry again, huge tears sliding down her face. She slumped down against the wall, hugging her knees to her chest, her entire body racking with sobs. She cried until she was exhausted and eventually laid down in the middle of the bathroom, her face stained with tears, and passed out.
"Hello? Hello? Are you ok?" Cassie opened her eyes slowly. What was going on? The light in the bathroom was so bright. Cassie squinted. "Oh God, you're alive!" Cassie tried to sit up. She groaned. Her headache hadn't subsided and last night was all too fresh in her mind. "Honey, are you ok?" What happened?" Cassie opened her eyes and looked at this strange person who was so concerned about her. She looked about Cassie's age, with chestnut brown hair and wide ocean blue eyes. God, Cassie realized, this must be one of my roommates. She suddenly remembered she was barely wearing any clothes. "Oh my God," she said pulling herself to her feet unsteadily. "Oh God," she repeated. The girl held her arm out to steady Cassie. "Come on..." she led Cassie to her room and helped her get into bed. She brought Cassie some aspirin and a tall glass of ice water. She closed the blinds and made sure Cassie was okay. By the time she closed the door behind her, Cassie was already asleep, breathing deeply.
When Cassie woke up, she turned over and looked at the clock. 4:17pm. "Jesus," she whispered, sitting up slowly. Her headache was gone. She suddenly remembered her nameless roommate who had helped her out. "I wonder if she knows," Cassie thought. She got out of bed, removed her clothes and put on a robe. She took a burning hot shower, washing her hair and body three times each. After she was done showering, she brushed her teeth twice. She threw on a pair of cotton grey shorts and a white tank top. She grabbed a comb from her dresser and walked out into the living room. Her roommate was watching TV. Cassie looked at her sheepishly. "Hi," she said. The girl looked up, startled by Cassie's voice. "Hey! Are you ok? What happened last night?" Cassie shook her head. "Nothing. I was drunk. You know...how those things go," she said, sitting down on the couch and running the comb through her long wet hair. The other girl nodded. "Definitely. You seemed pretty sick this morning though and your shirt...was ripped. You're positive everything is okay?" "Just a wild night I guess," she said forcing a smile. The other girl smiled in return. "My name's Kate, I'm from L.A. You are?" "Cassandra...Cassie. From Iowa," "Iowa, huh? What's to do in Iowa?" Kate asked, absentmindedly playing with strands of her thick brown hair. "Oh...you know...cow tipping," Cassie wanted to smack herself for that lame stereotypical joke, but Kate giggled. "Do you know when our other roommate gets here?" she asked. Cassie shook her head. As if on cue, the door opened and their third roommate stepped in. She was tall and tan, with strawberry blond hair and very green eyes. Her face lit up upon seeing her roommates. "Hi! I'm Elisabeth," she said brightly, bringing her bags in. Kate immediately jumped up to help her. Cassie suddenly became very busy combing her hair. "Hey, I'm Kate. This is Cassie, she had a rough night," she said, winking. Elisabeth grinned. "I hear that," she said. Cassie finished combing her hair and excused herself. She dried her hair in the bathroom and then went back to her own room. "What am I going to do?" she asked herself silently. Her eyes welled up with tears as she realized her life would never be the same again.
Later that night, once the three girls were all settled in, they sat around the living room, trying to decide what to do. "Well...do you guys want to go out?" Elisabeth asked with a hopeful gleam in her eye. She was definitely the party type, Cassie decided. Talking about nothing but getting drunk, getting high, and sleeping with random guys since she'd arrived, Elisabeth had 50 stories that all seemed to top Cassie's previous evening, save one minor detail. Kate, on the other hand, was more laid back. Her theme seemed to be, as far as partying went anyway, "been there, done that," and she seemed ready and eager to settle down and start a career.
"I don't care at all. Cassie?" Kate asked, glancing over at her. Cassie looked up. "Oh, I--I probably shouldn't go out again," she said. "I'll stay in with you," Kate offered. "Oh noooo, come on you guys. I don't know anyone else here. I want to see the nightlife," Elisabeth begged. Cassie glanced sideways at Kate who shrugged. "Oh...I don't care," Cassie said. Elisabeth jumped up and hugged Cassie. "I've got to get ready!" she said excitedly, bounding out of the room. Kate smiled wryly at Cassie. "What a difference a couple of years make, huh?" she joked. Cassie gave her a small smile. Kate was 21, 3 years older than both Cassie and Elisabeth. Her comment was made to make Cassie feel better, but it did just the opposite. Had it not been for the night before, Cassie would have been just as gung-ho to hit the town as Elisabeth was. Somehow, though, she felt Kate knew that.
Two hours later, the girls were ready to leave. Kate looked stunning in fitted black pants and a button-down white cashmere sweater. She'd left the bottom two buttons undone, showing off her flat, tan stomach. Elisabeth was obviously on a mission that night, wearing a tight black midriff and a very short black skirt, equally tight. Cassie had opted for casual, wearing classic cut jeans and a black tank top. She still didn't feel very much like going out at all. [12-5-98 3:23am]
"Are we ready?" Elisabeth asked. Kate glanced sideways at Cassie as if asking for her approval to leave. She nodded slightly. "Yeah," Kate answered. They walked a couple blocks until they found a place where Cassie and Elisabeth could get in. Cassie looked at Kate. This couldn't be much fun for her, she was 21. An 18+ bar would probably be more like babysitting for her. She didn't appear to mind though. "Kate, would you buy me a drink?" Elisabeth asked. "Sure, what do you want?" "Anything," Elisabeth said, already headed in the direction of a table of guys. "Wow," Kate commented, to no one in particular. Cassie gave her a small smile. "Do you want anything to drink?" Kate offered. "Me? Oh...no, no thanks," "You sure?" "Yes," Suddenly, Elisabeth appeared in front of them. "Kate! Nevermind. Tim offered to buy me a drink," she said excitedly, saying Tim's name as if he had discovered America. "Ok...have fun," Kate replied. Elisabeth giggled wickedly. "No problem," she said, sauntering off.
Meanwhile, Cassie's eyes were fixed on someone who she thought looked like Josh. Was it him? She craned her neck. She still couldn't tell. Suddenly, he turned to the side a little. It was him. Cassie's breath caught in her throat. "Cassie? You ok?" Kate asked. Cassie couldn't speak. She felt her legs slowly become weaker. What were the odds? Cassie took a step backward. She had to get out of there. "Cassie?" Cassie took another step back and bumped into someone carrying a drink. It spilled all over her, but she barely felt it seep into her clothes. Had to get out of there. Suddenly, the music in the bar sounded very far away. Kate got all fuzzy. The only thing Cassie could see in focus was Josh. Had to get out of there. Had to get out of there. Had to--"CASSIE!" Kate shook her hard. Cassie stumbled backwards, tears spilling from her eyes. She grabbed Kate's sweater to keep from falling. "Cassie, what the--Cassie, look at me!" But she couldn't. She could only see Josh's profile. Had he seen her yet? Did he know she was there? Suddenly, a wall of ice cold water hit her face. She gasped sharply and finally looked at Kate, who was standing there with an empty glass, exceedingly worried. "Cassie! I'm sorry, you were scaring me," Kate said. Cassie blinked and looked back over at Josh. He had turned all the way to the side and was looking at her. Only it wasn't Josh. In fact, he didn't even remotely look like Josh. Cassie breathed, and almost laughed in relief. But then she noticed that it wasn't just him looking at her. Almost everyone in the bar was. Droplets of water fell from Cassie's face and hair, onto her tank top. Her face flushed. She took a couple steps backward and then dashed out of the bar. Kate was right behind her. "Cassie! Are you ok?" She asked. "No-- yeah, I'm fine. I just thought I saw someone," she stammered. "Was it Jeffrey Dahmer?" Kate joked. Cassie didn't smile. The playful grin faded from Kate's face. Cassie sat down on the curb, and Kate joined her. "Cassie, what happened to you last night?" she inquired. "Nothing! I told you, it was just a rough night," Cassie lied. Kate was silent. Elisabeth ran outside a moment later. "Wow, Cassie, what happened in there?" she asked. "Nothing, don't worry about it," Cassie replied. "It looked like an acid flashback," Elisabeth said. Kate glared at her. "That was it. Now go back inside, I'm sure Tim is worried," she said. "Ok...sorry Cassie," she said, flouncing back inside. Kate put her arm around Cassie. "I wish you would tell me what happened, I only want to help." she said softly. "I know, but, I don't want to talk about it, ok? I'm sorry," Cassie said. "Ok. Want me to walk you home?" Kate offered. "Sure. Thanks," Cassie replied. "No problem. I'm sure Elisabeth won't even notice that we're gone," Kate said. With that, they got up and walked home.