Quotable Quotes:
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered some other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
-Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-Mayor Marion Berry, Washington, D.C.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundral deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-A congressional candidate in Texas
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and th e Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-General William Westmoreland
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"If love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle
"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
-Gerry Brown
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
-George Bush
"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them."
-George Bush
"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."
-Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca
"Please provide the date of your death."
-From an IRS letter
"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
-Richard Nixon, US President
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assited in furthering that version."
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."
-Parish Magazine
"Men, I want you thinking of just one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
-Bill Peterson, football coach
"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particulary unique situation."
-Dan Quayle
"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
-Mike Smith, baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant
"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
-Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, NFL quarterback and sports analyst.
"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
-Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel.
"I've read about foreign policy and studied; I know the number of continents."
-George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Dan Quayle
"We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur."
-Dan Quayle
"The road of good intentions is paved with hell."
-Spencer Ante
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Keppel Enderbery
"The loss of life will be irreplacable."
-Dan Quayle
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in high school so I could converse with these people."
-Dan Quayle
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to hav ea mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-Dan Quayle
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."
-Dan Quayle
"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatable with being a woman."
-Rear Admiral James R. Hogg
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-Dan Quayle
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
-Correction notice in he Ely Standard, a British newspaper
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Interesting Facts:
1. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
2. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
3. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
4. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in
plane crashes.
5. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
6. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
7. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left
handed people do.
8. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they
start with.
9. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to
remember the word you want.
10. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters on only one row of the keyboard.
11. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
12. American Airlines saved $340,000 in 1987 by removing one olive
from each salad served in first-class.
13. China has more English speakers than the United States.
14. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
15. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and
ears never stop growing.
16. The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many
bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks
and whites.
17. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for
each gallon of diesel that it burns.
18. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the
child reaches 2-6 years of age.
19. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
20. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
21. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to
the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
22. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
23. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
24. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a
poisonous spider.
25. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
26. An ant will always fall over on its right side when intoxicated.
27. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it
starves to death.
28. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
29. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
30. Elephants are the only land-dwelling mammals that can't jump.
31. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet and was used by Western Union to test telex/twx communications.
32. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
33. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and scientists are not sure why.
34. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.
35. There is such a thing as coffee flavored PEZ.
36. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
37. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." Thus, the
name of the Don McLean song.
38. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history. Spades -- King David; Clubs -- Alexander the Great;
Hearts -- Charlemagne; and Diamonds -- Julius Caesar.
39. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
40. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without killing them used to burn their houses down -- hence the
expression "to get fired."
41. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
42. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the
Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
43. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
44. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
45. An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
46. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
47. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
48. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
49. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
50. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
51. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
52. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
53. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever
won a superbowl.
54. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
55. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the baseball Major League All-Star Game.
56. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a
year's supply of footballs.
57. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
58. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
59. In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting
license.
60. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.
61. Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
62. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
63. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
64. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
65. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
66. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
67. Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
68. Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
Actual label instructions on consumer goods
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Question:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis. Would you recommend that she have an abortion?
If you said "yes", you just killed Beethoven.
Another question:
It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are
the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A: He associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
Warnings that the FDA should consider putting on beer and alcohol bottles:
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to say shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Abdul.
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.