"The First Annual MST3K Wacky Races--PART TWO!"
Disclaimer/Warning: Anything done during this race was done in the spirit of role-playing; none of us here has any real desire to do these things to each other in real life!
RATING: For sexual innuendoes and implied (but not shown) adult situations, this fanfic is rated PG-13. You have been warned.
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Ack! Schmoe, help!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath
Malcolm Frink is trying to pick me up! He's icky and I can see his butt crack and now he wants me to pet his dolphins! I don't wanna pet his dolphins!
(realizes that Schmoe is still at the beginning of the race, wandering around, looking for his little baby sunhat. Decides to take care of Malcolm herself)
Oh Malcolm!!! You're so strong, I seem to have gotten a flat tire. Could you please help me change it? (bats eyelashes) Oh yes, the tire is in the back here, it'll take just a quick minute to get it out. Your rewards will be well worth it. (smiles suggestively) Let me open the doors.....
(hits Malcolm on the head, making a Hanna-Barbera "boooiiing!" noise, and shoves him in the van. Quickly ties him up)
There now, keep quiet! I know judo!
(realizes she's way behind and takes off in her Van O' Death!) SSSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
* * *
sitting beside the screaming lemur
Date: 3/23/2000
From: el_bootblacker
seeing as i have the car from mst the movie and that it was blown up i am not in good shape. i am working on it, nails, duct tape, glue, some old wheel barrel tires, soon i will be moving..
meanwhile the professor, who survived the explosion in the movie, is iwht me and he brought COCONUTS!!! he is whipping them everywhere, he has a coconut radar for the faster moving vehicles, a coconut gun, don't worry only shoots coconut, and coconut grenades- which only make a mess. so WATCH OUT! we came to win, and throw coconuts.
also i will give the lemur a push and help em lok for a hill!!!
el_b
* * *
Thanks, El B!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Yamaglonche
the screaming lemur is on the way! Once this crate starts rolling, there will be almost zero friction, 'cause I greased up the wheel bearings with premium lubricant derived from Mitchell's hair when he was passed out in the pits!
Look out ye skeptics! Screaming Lemur is coming!!
-yams in motion
* * *
El_B looks in his rear view mirror...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: PearlProtege
just like in Jurassic park a dino comes charging up behind him, snapping it's jaws.
It's a Future War dino with PearlProtege riding it like a bucking bronco and it's hungry. Whatcha gonna do?
* * *
She likes me! She really likes me!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: MalcolmFrink
(I quickly untie myself and hop back in my truck)
Come back here my little Angel! I really want you to see my little dolphin! Well first I think i'll get a belt for my pnats. I didn't realize my butt was showing. Some women go for that kind of thing (Why do you think the electrician had that little flashing problem when he came down the ladder in the movie? Sometimes a little peek works.) Anyway, Floppy the dolphin is really getting lonely.
* * *
My, thank you Embs!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile
Tee hee!! No with bersurk pigs, I'm off and running...
(Mel speeds ahead and passes all the trees, finally catching up to Lita and Mic.)
Wow, bursurk pigs work REALLY welll... hehe.
(She speeds ahead of Mic just a touch.)
Too bad mushroom guy is still frozen... oh well.
(She flings manure in Mic's face)
This should show ya what for!!
* * *
Taking her place in the stands....
Date: 3/23/2000
From: LadyKenobi
Lady Kenobi unfurls her beach blanket and settles in to watch, sharing her picnic basket with Mike, Joel, and the Bots.
* * *
When from out of nowhere comes....
Date: 3/23/2000
From: gypsymoon3
...gypsymoon3, in Exeter's spaceship!!!! Got such a late start, they were sweeping up at the starting line. But HELL, I've got a SPACESHIP!
Gyspy zips past dingleberries and drops a sun-tea bomb on his windshield. Closing in fast on the Pig Squad, she beams three of them into those freezer tubes on the ship. Passes Digger Smolken and drops a pig onto her Death Cart. At half-maximum speed, she overtakes Emby, Skippey, Cavey, Mic, Clay, the Widowmaker and everybody else - then goes to 99% maximum speed and ends up with
ManMan in the FUTURE!!!
Let's see what else this baby can do!
xoxo
gypsymoon3
* * *
**Mic pulls a few handy-wipes...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: MiSTie_93874
outta her pocket and cleans off the yucky manure. Mic decides to stay safely behind Mel for now, until Mic thinks of a way to do her in...
for good.**
* * *
BURNIN' RUBBER TIRES! ;)
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Sidehacker
Well, since my motorcycle is still driving off on the mountain tracks ("I love to go, a-wandering, along the mountain track..." uh, wait, sorry there.) instead of on the track, the earthquake that Zigra started--and which everybody else is IGNORING--is affecting me rather badly, because of the rough terrain. A sudden chasm yawns open RIGHT in front of me. Panicked, I try to veer off to the side and find some way around, twisting the bike violently to the left as I do so. This throws poor T.V.'s Frank COMPLETELY off as he's not a very good sidehacker. But then again, G-forces like that would probably throw ANYbody. I swing around in a crazy semi-circle, kickin' up dust and burnin' rubber tires, ;) and before I know it, I'm driving off into a nearby forest!
WHAM! I slam into a tree.
The next thing I know, some kind of water is splashing on me. (I was only out for about a minute, by the way.) I look up to see a strange furry alien dude, about 3 or 4 feet tall, with a long snout.
"TRUMPY!!" I exclaim. "Uh, oh. Are you the nice one or the evil one?"
Trumpy smiles at me and points to my bike, which he has fixed with his powers.
"TRUMPY, you can do STUPID--I mean, uh, MAGIC things!" I cry out in delight.
"Would you like to race with me?"
Trumpy nods enthusiastically.
So, being the evil so-and-so that I am, I climb back on my fixed bike and show Trumpy how to ride the sidehack part, COMPLETELY forgetting about poor Frank. I can go back for him later, or not, I don't really care. I'm evil, ya know. EEEEEVVILLLL!! ;)
Then, armed with MY new hypnotizing eye powers AND Trumpy's magical levitating/manipulating abilities, I drive ONTO THE ACTUAL TRACK!! BWAHAHA!! I may have a wimpy vehicle but now I got POWER, baby! Heh heh heh! ;)
Meanwhile, the old-school Satellite retreats to a higher orbit to quietly be out of Zigra's AND Gypsymoon's (I don't think Gypsymoon quite knows that I have a spaceship TOO yet, but I don't want her to find out anytime soon! After all, this is KTMA we're talking about here, it's rather fragile due to a low special effects budget) way and Joel and Gypsy start repairing the lasers.
Well, actually, GYPSY is repairing the lasers all by her lonesome. See, Joel heard it when Bloodfairy offered to give free waffles to everybody, and being such a total waffle-freak, he HAD to get some. So now he's up there sittin' on his butt munchin' away while I'm down here with no backup! WAY ta go, Joel! Geez!
Ah, well, Gypsy can fix the lasers by herself. It'll just take a while...
All of a sudden, I have this huge urge to have Gaos show up. Flying, laser-shooting, a gas that can put out fires, claws and teeth, stomping feet...yeah. Unfortunately he's not a vehicle like Zigra so he'll have to stay home. Oh, well. At least I got my buddy TRUMPY! :)
(LadyKenobi, Joel can't be on the blanket with you, Mike, and the 'bots, 'cos I already asked him nicely to fix up my old spaceship with his famous toolkit before you even showed up. Just pointing out a continuity glitch there.)
And of course the unanswered question here is--WHAT has happened to T.V.'s Frank? Is he dead or alive? Where is he? And just HOW will he manage to mess up the other racers behind me by sneaking around in the woods? ;)
STAY TUNED!
File this one, Larry.
--Clay--
"All I wanna feel is the wind in my eyes..."
* * *
A DINOSAUR!!! AHHHH
Date: 3/23/2000
From: el_bootblacker
oh wait, it is only forced prospective, not as big as a t rex in jurassic park. but the professor is scared as heck and has wet himself. he runs off to use the hand dryer in the mens room, i have finished rebuilding the car from mst the movie and fire it up! thanks to the professor it runs on coconuts which we have in spades. as soon as he gets back from the little boys room we are GO! also i offer a coconut to the dinosaur to make friends with him. i also offer one to pearl p.
* * *
(The wheelchair slows to a halt)
Date: 3/23/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
(VV is at a loss, until he spies a troop of boy scouts. Thinking quickly, he mugs a group of picnickers and snatches their blanket. He wraps it around himself and peddles up to the boy scouts)
Hello, children! Would you fine young gentlemen mind helping an old lady?
Boy scout: Sure! We're hard at work earning our good deeds merit badges.
VV:That's great. All you have to do is push my wheelchair along so I catch up to the rest of the people up there. Now get going.
(Miles later)
Boy scouts: Are we done yet? We're tired and a little hungry, and Billy here has asthma.
VV: Quiet! (Lashes out with his willow switch) You want your badges or not??
(They continue on, steadily gaining on the rest of the racers)
* * *
Oh, no! Santa, what are YOU...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile
doing here? We're stuck in a SPACESHIP, doncha know!!
Santa: Ho ho ho! I just wanted to ask if you'd give me some cookies!!!
No!! these are my extra special RUSSIAN cookies from Jack Frost!! Nastinka made them for me!!
Santa: I'f you don't give me those cookies, little girl, I'll kill your little friends here.
You're in a separate tube!!!
(Santa's tube starts moving down.)
Oh, hell. They're probably poisoned anyway. *sigh* (Mel hands santa her cookies.)
Santa: Thank you. Now, where is Nastinka?
Over in Russia, somewhere. (With a wink and a smile, Santa pops out of the spaceship.)
Oh, great! Now we're missing a pig. Let's see, Bossie is here, Archie is here... Jeeeeeed! He's the one who's missing! We have to go find him!!
MM: OH, wait! I've got a better Idea once we get out of here...
(Mushroom Man pops Mel and the two remaining pigs and the sled back onto the track.) We're going to Jack Frost's house!!
That's all the way in Russia!
MM: Don't underestimate the power of Mushroom elves!! (He pops Mel, himself, and the PigMobile to Russia.)
Right, now we're out of the race!!
MM: LOOK! There's Jack's house, let's go inside.
Are you sure about this?
MM: Yes! Jack an' me, we're old poker buddies.
Great.
MM: And he's got a full stock of those sceptor things.
Really?
MM: Yeah. He sells 'em to tourists. Thet're pretty cool too!! We can just take one.
(Mel takes a sceptor, and Mushroom man pops them where they last were on the track.)
Can't you just pop us to the finish?
MM: That would be cheating.
Duh.
Just touch the sceptor to the bottom of the sled.
(The bottom of Mel's sled turns to ice on the touch of the sceptor. Mushroom head then rigs up a fishing rod with the apples from BloodFairy. The pigs run after the apples. They are having a difficult time at first, but then the ice slides on the pavement and they move with ease. In no time at all, the pigs are chasing the apples and Mel lines up with Mic, but a very safe distace from
her.)
* * *
oh noooooooo!!!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Yamaglonche
my final moments of life...my coaster is plummeting into a seemingly bottomless chasm! The earthquake had crumpled the local topography so that I had a great run up and down the newly-formed terrain, until the SCREAMING LEMUR shot
straight into this yawning pit...no way to avoid it...too late to bail out...this is the end!! oh the humidity!!
* * *
I'll save you, Yamagalonche!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile
(Mel Takes a fishing rod with an apple on it. Her pigs slow down and Mic pulls ahaead. The earth is rumbling all around her. She turns back...)
Mushroom Man: Whereare you going?
To save Yamagalonche!!
(She jumps out of her sled and runs to the mouth of the chasm. She can barely see a tiny figure...)
Grab on to this!!!
(She casts her apple out into the pit, hoping this rescue wasn't all for nothing...)
* * *
"Pick a pack of pick axes..."
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Glaistig
"I would never tell a lie.
I don't know who, but sometime soon
Someone here is going to die!"
Glaistig sings her prophetic vision as she urges Digger Smolken's Horse Drawn Hearse on further. She Already lost one dead body, Pumaman but another poor racer will soon follow and this one she will plant in the ground!
What the Hell happened???
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Last thing I remember Spidey was shoving Mushroom Guy up his butt, then there was this weird flash and I must have passed out and....
(Lita glances in her rear-view mirror)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
I'M A BEAR! I'M A BEAR! I'M A BEAR! I'M A BEAR! I'M A BEAR! I'M A BEAR! I'M A BEAR! I'M A BEAR! I'M A BEAR! I'M A BEAR! I'M A BEAR! I'M A BEAR!
What do I do??? Damn that mushroom head! Wah? Yams is in trouble! I'll help you! Spin Spidey! Spin like you've never spun before!
(The Giant Spider starts to spin a net over the chasm where the Screaming Lemur is plummeting. Will he finish in time to save Yams?)
Lita
* * *
dingles concession stand
Date: 3/23/2000
From: dingleberrysncreme
It been quite a race so far. Anyone thirstin' for some of the famous dingle families' dingleberrysncreme Soda? Well we got it! As well as other fan favs.
Mitchell Malt---------$4.50
Rousdower Rootbeer----$2.75
Krankor Coke----------$15.99
Pinial Juice----------$your life
Dr. Z' blood spritzer-$8.90
Torgos Knee Necter----$3.99
Adam Chances' "Chance"-$7.90
* * *
(Viciously driving his team...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
of exaughsted boy scouts, he closes upon the stragglers in the race, and soon passes them)
Hahahaha! Keep this up, children, and I'll make sure you earn every merit badge there is!
Boy scout: Actually, all I want is something to dr-
VV:(Lashes out with his willow switch) Shut up and push!
* * *
Krap!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: gypsymoon3
Having lost Mel's pigs and Santa Claus to Yamagloche, gypsymoon3 seems to be flying a lot lighter. Faster, too. She has time to visit Dingleberry's drive-thru and picks up a Krankor Coke; throws him a $20 and says "keep the change." Back on the racetrack, her blood sugar skyrockets and all mechanical systems connected to her bloodstream go beserk. Bearing down on the SOL, she beams Frank out, hooks up his Cholester-Do-All, quickly modifies it to burn sugar, and links her arm to it.
When the ship's systems go back online, she unhooks herself and Frank from the Insulin-All, but decides to keep Frank. IF YOU WANT HIM, CLAY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TA FIGHT ME FOR HIM!
xoxo
gypsymoon3
Pigs do fly - just ask Mel!
Whoa, snacks.
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Samurai88
Damn, my Achilles' heel! (stops the earthquake so he can land the Zigra ship/monster by the concession stand)
Yes, my good man, I'll have a Rousdower Rootbeer (I am driving, after all). Can I also get a Sloppy Joel? And, let me blur in my minion here (blurs in the "hot chick") and shoot her a Blue Floyd.
You can't make a Blue Floyd? OK, I'll talk ya through it.
First take two scoops of vanilla ice cream.
Clay: Three scoops.
Yeah, three scoops of vanilla ice cream.
Clay: Then fill it to the top with cool, menthol Babercide!
And garnish with a comb!
That hit the spot. Keep the change. (blurs Clayton back on track and
"accidently" puts her way ahead of where she was). I am evil after all.
"KCTT"
Samurai88
* * *
Yams! Yams! Are you all right???
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Dangit! Missed him! Oh well. But hey! My failed attempt at a good deed has turned me back into a human! That's great! Hey, Father Mushroom! I have a little something to discuss with you...
(Lita wrestles Father Mushroom's magic parsley sprig from his tiny grip and tosses him into the chasm.)
Off you go, little guy! Say hi to Yams for me when you hit the bottom! Now let's see, how does this thing work?
(Lita shakes the parsley sprig and turns one of Mel's pigs into a penguin)
Wonderful! Pass me an egg cream, dingle, then I must be on my way.
(Lita takes the egg cream, tosses dingle a buck, then jumps back into the seat of her giant spider, and turns on the ignition)
I lost a lot of time back there, I gotta make up for it.
(Lita blazes back down the road, not neglecting to turn Clay into an unusually large squirrel on her way past)
Back in first!
* * *
(Watches the odd series of events)
Date: 3/23/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
(Then notices Lita pulling ahead)
VV: After her! We're almost in the lead!
Boy Scouts: Listen lady, I think we've already done our good deed...
VV: You've done nothing! Put your backs into it or feel my switch once again!
(The wheelchair shoots ahead, coming closer and closer to Lita)
* * *
VeGeTa, you're as bad as Peter Lawford!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath
You're using these children to suit your own purposes and I, as a mother and woman, simply will not stand for it! Besides, I jiggle a lot in this suit when I fight, and the guys seem to like that.
(delivers a stunning karate chop to VeGeTa's neck)
Come on, little boys! Hop in the van!
* * *
Vroooooomm! Look out I'm coming through
Date: 3/23/2000
From: manosgirl
manosgirl and Tina are catapulted forward with every wave of the earthquake ...
(bounces over Glaistig)
(bounces over el bootblacker)
(bounces to a stop behind Samurai 88 at the d.berries concession stand)
"Now, what to get?"
(manosgirl and Tina get into argument over what to order)
"Forget what you think Tina, I want a Dr. Z's blood spritzer. Here, it's our turn"
(manos girl and Tina order, pay and burn rubber to get back into the race)
Here Sidehacker eat SODIUM!!!
(Trumpy catches fire)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
* * *
Trumpy! OH NO!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Samurai88
I should have blurred them both in rather than leaving my minions side kick outside. I'll put him out (grabs a Mitchell Malt and throws it on the flames......... MAKING IT WORSE!) Good lord, dingle, what's the proof on this stuff?
The bike should be fine, Clay, but I think Trumpy is a crispy critter. I can still blur you out a little ahead. You'll just have to pick up another copilot for your sidehack.
"KCTT"
Samurai88
* * *
"Jiggling Women."
Date: 3/23/2000
From: dingleberrysncreme
dingles' eyes become distracted. And the racers' steal $$ from the concession stand to pay for petro that is at an all time low.
* * *
I think you forgot someone...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: CrowFan2000
...like me. But anyways, Leslie Nielsen, who's sitting in the passenger seat...hey wait a minute-how the heck did he get here?
Forget him. Um...I'm pulling out ahead of V.V.'s wheelchair and getting both cheered and booed by an obsessive crowd. A friend in the audience (not to mention any names, CLOWNS) conveniently drops a banana peel in front of the Chariot of Hercules. Oooh. Ouch. That's *really* gotta be painful. Sorry, tsunami7.
"They're gonna kill Jooooooel!"
CrowFan2K
* * *
Pearly's Dino is hungry!!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: PearlProtege
He wants food and dinos eat alot. He would like to eat a fellow racer but instead he munches some of the coconuts from EL_B as a snack.
Then he spots Lita's Spider. YUM!!!!!
Pearl loses control as the beast tears off after the gigantic arachnid!
* * *
Get away from me you beast!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Carmelita9000
Pearl, you better tell that dinosaur of yours to back off, or I'll turn him into a turnip! Just look what I did to Clay!
(Lita shakes her parsley sprig menacingly while Clayton collects nuts and chatters at Samurai in the background)
And Vegeta, it's probably a bad idea to tailgate my car, seeing as how it eats with its hinder. *snicker*
Lita
* * *
Agh! DAMN! I"M WAAAY BEHIND!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: soth
*Soth gets on his floor waxer and peels out*
I'll be reaching speeds of three! Thank God I put boosters on here!
*fires up the booster*
And I'm off!
*blasts onto the road*
Soth
* * *
"Trumpy is dead. His life is done."
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Glaistig
"Cooked like smore.
and smoking like a gun.
He is no more"
"I'll bury him now, the suffering beast,
I'll bury him deep in the Earth.
Too bad for him, he was a friend,
for not much his life was worth."
Glaistig gets out of the hearse and digs a hole for Trumpy.
* * *
As Rimsey tries to shake Cavey...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
(being without Pumaman now) Rimsey decides to kill two birds with one stone.
As Miffy and RedFraggle were distracting Emby, Rimsey tries to pass her. In the process Miffy breaths a mouthful of fire and it hits Rimsey car!!! OH NO!!!! A fire, a fire, Rimsey's car is on fire (and I didn't even set it)!!!!
Oh great! (To recap) Cavey hanging on the roof battling and clown with a seltzer bottle full of fear scented bee juice, her car is on fire and some of her bees are abandoning ship- er- car.
Crud on a stick! that can't be good.
* * *
*pulls into concession stand....
Date: 3/23/2000
From: soth
just as his rocket boosters die*
Argh. I'll have to go slow now. Well at least I'm SORT of caught up.
Oh, and while I'm here, I'll have a Dr. Z drink thingy.
Soth
* * *
HEY!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Clayton_Forrester
Guys, guys, guys, ya need to remember CONTINUITY here!
Gypsymoon, Frank was NEVER on the old-school SOL. He used to be my sidehack buddy, then he got thrown off. As far as I know he's lost in the woods or wandering down some mountain trail right now.
Who is on the old SOL? Well, Gypsy, and who I used to THINK was Joel. But then it turns out that Joel was actually with LadyKenobi watching the race, SO, the guy I have on the Satellite is actually the EVIL JOEL from the Satellite of Hate!! AAAA!! He's a total monster!
Wait, what am I saying, I'M evil, so the two of us should get right along! :)
Oh, hey hey hey, the evil black-bejumpsuited genius has fixed the weapon systems--and ENHANCED them! BWAHAHA!! Gypsymoon, prepare to eat QUANTUM TORPEDO! HA! ;)
NEATO, now we have heavy armour plating and shields, too! Oh, I get it, he's making it all tough and bad-ass like his own SOH. (Satellite of Hate, duh.) It can even transform into a battle-mode shape! WHOO! Yeah, go, evil Joel! Man, I don't know why I EVER tried to hire your wussy goody two-shoes hero twin...
HEY, no fair, I never even got to use Trumpy's powers ONCE! :( I was looking forward to having some fun with that....
Samurai, thanks for "blurring" me ahead. Us evil guys gotta stick together.
Well. Now I don't have any sidehack buddy. This is just great.
What I DO have, however...is a communications link back to Deep 13, where Dr. Erhardt is taking care of things for me, and a MATTER TRANSFERENCE DEVICE!! WHOO!! (This is how the Evil Joel got into our universe. No, it's not the evil STAR TREK alternate universe; it's a different one. There are lots of evil universes out there. I just hope the evil Captain Mike doesn't show up! Although, of course, being EVIL, he'd be on my side TOO, come to think of it...)
Anyway. Matter transference device.
Which means I can basically teleport ANYthing in I want from ANYwhere. All I gotta do is tell Erhardt what I want and where to put it.
We're now racing on the beach, near an ocean, so, what would be good here...lemme think...
(Talks over the communications link quietly for a moment.)
POP! Suddenly, the Viking Women's ship shows up on the ocean and the short-skirted lovelies start throwing spears at everyone!!
BWWAHAHA!!
THAT'll learn ya ta kill my sidehack buddy!
Dang, I still need a partner now, and I can't use Larry 'cos he has to be back in Deep 13...hmmmm...who am I going to use--AAAAA!!
MOTHER!! How did you get here?!!
PEARL: Ah, I twisted that nerdy black-haired assistant of yours's ear and forced him to beam me. Move over, Clay, I'm gonna drive this sucker. You never DID know how to do ANYthing right, you worthless excuse for an offspring.
CLAYTON: But, Mother, it's MY motorcycle...
PEARL: CLAYTON DEBRA SUSAN FORRESTER...
CLAYTON: (gulp). Right. (Gets on the sidehack and lets Pearl drive.
PEARL: Ready or not world, HERE WE COME! ;)
(I can do LOTS MORE with my Matter Transference Device...just look out and I will! BWAHAHA!!)
Clayton then looks over at Carmelita and does the "TWINKLE" thing with her eyes, which, as you may remember, have been given that weird hypnotising/knocking out power by Zigra.
ZONK! Carmelita passes out.
AND HER GIANT SPIDER GOES COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL!! AAAAAAA!!!
Meanwhile, the Viking Women are now throwing BURNING spears at the nearby bushes to set the landscape on fire!! OH, NO!! WHAT WILL WE DO?!
Tune in NEXT week when we'll hear our hero say:
"But MOOOOOMMMMM, I don't WANNA wear my little sailor-suit, I'm 35 years old for pete's sake!"
File this one, Larry.
--Clay--
"Why is he limping?"
"Because his wrist is broken."
"Oh, well, I can see--HUH?!"
* * *
Agh!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
Angel, you'll pay for this!!
(pumps furiously with his arms, attempting to regain lost ground)
* * *
WHOOPS! This Happened Before...
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Sidehacker
...my last post. To keep the continuity straight:
WHILE Evil Joel was still fixing/souping up the Satellite, and BEFORE Pearl and the Viking Women beamed in, Dr. Erhardt beamed over Observer. Observer used his wonderful brain powers and
--fweeeeeeeemmm-pop!--
I AM NO LONGER A SQUIRREL! WHOO!!
I am now back to my "normal" self, which, at the moment, is a tall slinky mad scientist woman in a skin-tight metallic silver jumpsuit and a green lab coat over it ;), hanging open, and weird sparkly evil silver eyes. Oh, and hair sticking up in the air funny.
Observer then leaves. But I can call on him again anytime I want! BWAHAHA!
Dr. Clayton Forrester--and her mother, Pearl--pop the clutch and tell the world to EAT THEIR DUST!
Pausing momentarily to ZONK Glastig unconscious.
Doobiedoobiedoo...
--Clay--
"I'm weird, which results in creativity!"
* * *
You're an evil SQUIRREL, Clay!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
I still have Father Mushroom's parsley! And you must do a good deed to turn back! Bwa-ha-ha... Huh?
(The twinkle in the squirrel's eyes causes Lita to pass out. She leans on the wheel of her Giant Spider who spins right into Vegeta and her boyscouts, sending them all off the road)
That... was... not a good deed... Clay...
(Lita shakes off the cloudy feeling in her head and convinces Spidey to amble back onto the track... they loom menacingly behind Clay, and Spidey drools a little)
Prepare to get a good view of my Spider's BUTT, rodent!
Lita
* * *
Oh wait... I guess you're not.
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
But you're still going in Spidey's behind!
Lita
* * *
No, I'm Not!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Sidehacker
From up in space, Evil Joel hits the control panel for the giant laser beams on the souped-up old SOL and
FWOOOM!!
No, the giant spider doesn't blow up. What DOES happen is that a giant pit opens up right in front of it and it falls in. The sides of the pit are so tight that the spider can't stretch its legs to climb, or even move!
Get out of THAT, huh?!
Hey, Samurai, could you blur me ahead again? Oh, sure, I could have Larry do that with the Matter Transference Device, but I'd prefer not to wear it out too much. It's kinda delicate. I just wanna get the heck AWAY from Spidey's butt before he figures out how to climb back out! Yikes! ;)
--Clay--
"Everybody's SUPER SONIC RACING, gotta keep your feet right on the ground..."
Okay, so I ran out of quotes and am using lyrics from a video game song. Ya happy? :P
* * *
"I got spurs that go, jinglyjangly,
Date: 3/23/2000
From: dingleberrysncreme
and I aint afraid to use em." Have another Soth. Some say the creature can be seen with your good eye, but as you look away with the bad one, the believability factor rises!
(dingle is still distracted by jiggly women and all the stand for)
* * *
(Turns his wheelchair upright)
Date: 3/23/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
(Continues to wheel furiously along, now abandoned by his captive Troop) Agh... can't... go on... much longer...
(Spies a group of young Key Clubbers, and chuckles evilly as he dons his old lady disguise once again)
Oh, kind young ones... would you mind giving me a hand...
* * *
Ok. I guess I'll just starve to death.
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Seeing as how my spider is stuck in the bottom of this hole, and I'm stuck inside this spider. Can't open the doors you see, since they are so close to the sides of the hole.
I am hungry too.
Hey dingle... You got anything to eat up there? Toss it down! I'm hungry!
(dingle starts to throw potatoes into the hole. They bounce of the Spider's windsheild and crack it)
Hey! Don't do that! Spidey doesn't like it!
Now... how to get out of here...
Lita
* * *
I am trying to run a concession stand!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: dingleberrysncreme
How can I feed you racers if there are women a jigglin? Let me see? French fries and....Look at all the jigglin going on. I will most certainly have the solid food menu out to you people as soon......look at that one in the "Flashdance" outfit.
......Must, feed, the, racers.
* * *
***Sirens are still blaring***
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Nydia
Nydia revs up Gumbos Firetruck and pulls out the BIG HOSE!!! She cranks it up full blast as she shoots it at Vegeta Vampire as she passes him.
"Didn't your mommy ever teach you not to spit?!!! Hey look everyone, WET T-SHIRT AND HE'S JIGGLING NOW!!!!!!"
* * *
I DONT JIGGLE!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
(Unleashes a vicious barrage of overripe tomatoes at Nydia, who is instantly swallowed up by a red cloud)
* * *
JIGGLE VEGGIE!!!!! JIGGLE!!!!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Nydia
I'm sending you a malfunctioning robot with a lawn mower to trim some of that nasty back hair you've got. EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
* * *
I have got "jigglitis"
Date: 3/23/2000
From: dingleberrysncreme
Smaurai88 must zap my 'cession stand! Where are for art thou, Sam88?
* * *
(blurs a ship full of viking women)
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Samurai88
(then blurs them to the concession stand in poodle skirts and roller skates) There's your help. Now, get that food flowing.
Clayton, you must get those children! Only the children. For they might be small, Japanese children who know all about monsters and will tell the adults my weaknesses! Worse, what if one is named ....... (shudder) Kenny! ARRRGHHHH!
"KCTT"
Samurai88
in the Zigra monster/ship
* * *
Hey, thanks Nydia!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
All that water you sprayed at VV filled up the hole, and I floated on out of here! I'll make sure Spidey doesn't eat you!
(Spidey flashes his teeth at the Key Clubbers and they all sit down and start crying)
Now for Clay...
(Spidey overtakes Clay, pulls her off her bike, and shoves her up his butt)
Ha ha ha!
...
Hey, Clay, how did you get in my back seat? Well, yeah, I know you have to go somewhere once you're in Spidey's butt, but still...
Get out! Get out I say! What are you doing, Clay? Ouch!
(Clay has grabbed Lita by the hair and slammed her head into the dash)
All right, bukko! I'll get you now!
(The girls start fighting it out right there, they bump into Spidey's controls a lot, and he starts dancing wildly all over the track, hitting other racers. Dingle gets hit with a burning tire.)
* * *
Silly me, this car can fly! Whoohoo!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Schmoe_of_Space
Look out sound barrier, I'm gonna break you like a bad habit!
fw!!
* * *
Up, you foolish children!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
(The key clubbers leap to their feet, helped along by the willow switch)
Now charge Nydia! Charge her! I'm old, you must do as I say!
(The key clubbers charge Nydia. As she is distracted, VV surges ahead)
Bwahahaha! See you at the finish line, losers!
(Lobs a final tomato)
* * *
WEEEE....
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Sidehacker
Oh, great, we got at least THREE people here now that can teleport stuff through time and space that I know of (me with Larry's help, ManMan with his computer, and Samurai/Zigra), this is gonna get CONFUSING! You may notice that I'm basically calling upon every single villian the show ever had and every single invention anybody ever made. Well, what do you expect? I'm evil, I tell you. EVIL! Remember, I used to do things like monitor the good Joel's mind and rip off his invention ideas, so cheating isn't exactly a NEW concept to me...
Hmmn. Killing off the children? How's this, Zigra?
(talks to Larry over the communications link. Which will henceforth be called a "comlink", like on B5, for convenience.)
POP!
GAOS shows up, and boy is ever pissed! First, he releases that weird yellow gas stuff, which puts out the fires the Viking Women set earlier but also makes it so hardly anyone can see the road for a few minutes. Then, he snarls and goes straight towards the kiddies, shooting his horrible lasers at them! AAAAAA!!! ;)
BAM! There goes Kenny--both of him. BAM! There goes Itchy. What the hell kind of a stupid name is "Itchy", anyway? BAM! There goes the annoying redheaded kid from "Pod People". BAM! There goes--oh, whoops, sorry about that Torgo. You're kinda short and all, I guess Gaos got a little confused...uh....
Oh, well, he'll be okay with a few dozen skin grafts and a night in the Intensive Care unit. Maybe they can do something about those knees of his, too, while they're at it.
Now, all we need is for someone to do the OBVIOUS--have GAMERA show up and kick ALL the other Japanese movie monsters' butts!
Wait, I can't believe I said that... :P
Oh, and by the way, please nobody kill off Observer or Dr. Erhardt. Unlike Frank, I don't think they're multi-killable. And they're CANON characters so you don't wanna loose them...
MoTHER, would you please keep your eyes on the road and stop drooling over Pumaman?!! SHEESH!
--Clay--
"Come on, run away!
You don't have to stay.
You're out of time.
But you're doing fine.
Just stay on track,
And don't look back.
Just feel the pace!
COME ON, NOW--RACE!"
* * *
WHOOPSIE...Bad Timing Again
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Sidehacker
But then again, you are GOING to have lots of continuity glitches when you're all posting at the same time like crazy. I didn't see where Lita had stuffed me up her spider's butt. SO...BEFORE I did all that stuff with Gaos and the kids being killed, THIS happened:
While stuffed up the spider's butt, Clayton just barely manages to get to the comlink on the back of her hand (like the B5 ones) and calls for Larry.
POP!
Clayton, her bike, and her mother are now about 3 miles down the track ahead of Spidey, and FREE! WHOOO!!
OH, yeah, and now I'm PISSED! Evil Joel shoots lasers down at Spidey. He carves the words "I AM A LOSER. KICK ME." onto its back. The armour is too thick for the lasers to actually HURT the spider, but Joel is just having fun indulging his evil creative side.
BWAHAHA...
Next time ya bug me, Spidey, I'm beamin' a quantum torpedo directly inside your cockpit! (And that goes for the rest of you.) Because I'm evil, dangit. EVIL!!
--Clay--
* * *
You stay away from my woman, Malcolm!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Schmoe_of_Space
Hands off, buster!
(smears shoe polish all over Malcolm's front window)
Let's see you drive blind, mwuhahahahahahahaha!
Let's go, Angel, I'm right behind you.
fw!!
* * *
***"Whoa Bessie!"***
Date: 3/23/2000
From: PearlProtege
(That's what I named the dino)
She stops just short of Lita and her Spidey to stop and laugh as she pummells poor Clay!
There's got to be something for Bessie to eat. Up ahead she spies a kitty on the maverick. YUM!!!!!!!
* * *
But I'm an electrician!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: MalcolmFrink
No woman can resist me! I shall show.
I need a woman right now well after I clean the mess off the windsheild!
Lita, you'll do. I shall save you then you shall fall in love with me!
* * *
CRY HAVOC!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: soth
*Soth reaches into the recesses of the floor waxer*
Ha ha! Bottles of nitro! I KNEW that these things had to have some, to make such big explosions.
CHAOS is MY game!
*hurls one bottle of nitroglycerine at Nydia, the other at _VeGeTa_V*
*makes sure the floor polisher is up, to gain speed*
*cranks floor waxer to speeds in excess of 3 mph!*
Soth
* * *
***Charge the clubbers robots!!!!***
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Nydia
As thet are locked in mortal combat I'm surging ahead too. I ain't losing to no jiggly vampire!!!!!
* * *
AAAAAH
Date: 3/23/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
(The nitro explodes, sending the wheelchair flying forward. It
tumbles end over end, but somehow manages to right itself)
Wow! I guess that's how the old lady managed to survive all those trips into the doctor's bsement lab... I always wondered.
(Propelled forward by the blast, VV is now far in the lead. He peddles forward, cackling madly)
* * *
OOOoooo Soth, you will pay!!!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Nydia
I swing out ladder on the fire truck and knok clothesline soth with it.
* * *
Hmm, time to refuel.
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Samurai88
Hey, seafood, and it's delivered. Thanks Malcom! (transforms the ship to monster and eats the two dolphins.) Um, what? Did you want some? What dolphins aren't fish? Well, they looked like fish. Eeee ee eeek eeiii eee back at ya pall. (burp) We on Zigra planet live in the sea and harvest our food from land.
(transforms to saucer and flys away)
"KCTT"
Samurai88
* * *
AND I DONT JIGGLE
Date: 3/23/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
(lobs another tomato at Nydia)
* * *
Daah! My waxer!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: soth
*Soth ducks to attempt to avoid the ladder, but not quite enough*
*Soth gets bonked on the head*
Oww...
*Temporarily dazed, Soth loses control of his waxer, sending hot waxing fluid out in all directions*
Dammit!
*steers back onto the road*
I will have my revenge!
Soth
* * *
Sam went down on Blowie and Floppy!!!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: MalcolmFrink
How could you???? I have a very nasty union you know.
(Malcolm pulls out a cell phone and calls the union. Suddenly a spaceship of interstellar dolphins show up and abduct Sammy)
They'll teach you to eat my special pets!
* * *
V_v, jiggle this.
Date: 3/23/2000
From: soth
*Soth fires Jell-O out his handy Breakfast Bazooka (invention from War of the Colossal Beast)*
Eat gelled fruity-sugar water!
Jell-O jiggles. Ha!
Soth
* * *
Good one soth!!!!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: Nydia
He's jiggling out of control now!!!!
* * *
Meanwhile, back at the ranch....
Date: 3/23/2000
From: LadyKenobi
The swiss-and-turkey-with-mayonnaise on croissant sandwich supply depleted, everyone digs into the Boone's Farm Multiberry Wine.
Servo, in an attempt to wittily skew NASCAR protocol, has slathered himself with sponsor patches, under the weight of which he promptly falls over.
Crow keeps stealthily refilling his wine glass and organizes a betting pool for the race, for which he is instantly busted. He resorts to making sullen Ben Hur references.
Joel, who has been watching the proceedings through (of course) sleepy eyes while jamming to "Man or Astromen?" on his Walkman, which doubles as a fruit dehydrader, jumps up as Clayton_Forrester roars by in the Satellite of Love.... or is it the Satellite of Hate?! He whips off his shirt and waves it to catch her attention, yelling "IF I'M IN THERE, CLAY, KILL ME!!"
All are horrified.
"Don't DO that," says the shirtless Mike.
Lady Kenobi basks in being in the general presence of genius.
Remember, ladies and gentlemen who have long since started your engines, in the true MST tradition, you are not only being watched.... you're being mocked. ;)
PEDALS, HYPERDRIVES, WINGS, AND FEET TO THE METAL!!!!
"I love you Servo, I love you Crow, I love you Gypsy!"
"I love you Mike, I love you Crow, I love you Servo!"
"I love you Gypsy, I love you Mike, I love you Servo!"
"I love you Mike, I love you Gypsy!"
"HEY!"
"I forgot your name."
I love you Mike, I love you Servo, I love you Gypsy, I love you Crow!
* * *
No! There's no room for jello!
Date: 3/23/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
So, its war, eh? Well, I've pulled a few strings, and you're about to face the tank from I accuse my parents! Bwahahaha! Wax that, Soth!
* * *
Phew!!! The fire scared Cavey away.
Date: 3/23/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
I'm not sure where she went. Maybe Pumaman saved her or something. She will think again before landing on my car. I know the secret of getting rid of Pumaman by pushing him the hell over.
Anyhow, good old Shirley took care of the fire and everything is okay now.
Boy I'm thirsty. I'm pulling over for a martini. Anyone care to join me, there's enough for one and all.
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tourists have been foolish enough to come and watch the Wacky Races since March 31, 2000. Of course, they all got stuffed up Spidey's butt, or shot at by Gaos, or fried with sodium, or turned into a bear, or...