The First Annual MST3K Wacky Races: Part Five
WARNING/DISCLAIMER: Due to sexual innuendo and implied (but not shown) adult situations, this fanfic has been rated PG-13. If you are not old enough to be reading this, then don't, unless of course, you do.
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ME AND THE PROFESSOR ARE BACK IN!!!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: el_bootblacker
on the way to the bar we ran into and robbed the family from a day at the fair! now we have a cool truck and we picked up walnuts from the touch of satan farm, here they come
walnout spread all over the muddied field. the professor starts to invent stuff with them... you guys are in for it now!!!
el_b
* * *
throws walnuts a smell pig mobile!!!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: el_bootblacker
sorry, but you were kind of asking for it! besides they are just walnuts!
el_b
* * *
Rimsey still wants pigsled sandwiches!!!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
She sees SmellyMel up ahead and speeds up, trying to thump the little sled!
* * *
You'll have to go elsewhere...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile
for PIGsled sandwiches, Rimmer. My pigs are boars now, remember, and I'm an eagle. Watch it, or I'll tear your heart out with my awesome talons, Hya!!
(Archie and Bossie turn and ram their horns into rimmer's car of deadly bees. It overturns, and Mel the eagle along with Mushroom Man speed into the lead once more.)
* * *
Spidey! NOOOOOOO!!!!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Carmelita9000
What did he ever do to you, huh? He was just a spider. It was just his way... *sniff*
(Lita sits down on the track and cries)
Lita
*sob*
* * *
Serves you right, Lita!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath
That's what you get for overturning my van! Luckily, I used my feminine wiles and got a few strong men to help me set it right, and now I'm passing your crying ass! HAHAHAHAHA!
VVVVVVVRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
* * *
(Mel, though miles away...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile
can still hear the cries of her friend, Carm.)
What, i ask, has this race done?
MM: What, I ask, are you talking about?
It has turned friends against friends, and has brought much suffering among many innocent creatures.
MM: I'll say!
Please, Spidey! *sob, sob* I wish that there was something I could do. Can't I take back my wish?
Spidey: Oh, allright. But just this once.
(Spidey dissapears, and all the giant spiders reappear.)
I have one more thing to do. I wish I would never see another sprite of any creature, liveing or dead, or of any object, gone or not, whose name ends in "ey."
(A small thing appears. and speaks to them.)
The small creature: Hi! I am sprite of any creature, liveing or dead, or of any object, gone or not, whose name ends in "ey" ey.
OK.
The small creature: I'll make sure you get your wish. no more sprites of any creature, liveing or dead, or of any object, gone or not, whose name ends in "ey"'s from now on.
(He dissappears.)
Thank god. Now, on with the race!!
* * *
Spidey! You're back!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Hooray! I'm so happy! Thanks Mel!
Hey, ManMan! Why are you still in the back-seat? I would have thought you'd get thrown out when Spidey dissapeared like I did. Did you get hurled into the hoary netherworld too? What was it like?
(ManMan is curled up in the back seat, shaking. He stares at Lita with a faraway look in his eyes, stares down at the floor, and shudders)
Wow. I guess we all learned a valuable lesson here. Mel learned that friends are the most important thing in the world. The Angels learned all about hatred and loathing. ManMan learned what it's like to be traumatized for life. And I learned not to hate Father Mushroom, even if he did turn me into a bear, and try to make a mockery of everything I hold dear... lousy little sh**.
Aw, don't feel bad ManMan. Here's a box of Altoids for you.
(Lita jumps back into the drivers seat of her Giant Spider, and is back in the race!)
* * *
GOOD MORNING STARSHINE...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Sidehacker
...the Earth says hello....
Uh, wait, that should be, "Good AFTERNOON, Starshine."
YO! Before I get back into the roleplay, I got some stuff ta say ta people:
GYPSYMOON: I never blew up your ship! I mean, Evil Joel didn't. If I remember correctly, what happened was that you showed up in your ship and I told you how many nifty weapons and shields and junk I had, "so don't try anything." I didn't ACTUALLY shoot you, though. I just threatened you. And what're a few threats between friends?
Oh, and Evil Joel was never shirtless, that was the good one. Although we never figured out if he took his SHIRT off or his whole JUMPSUIT, but at any rate, he was running around half-naked for a while. Evil Joel is fully clothed but in slinkier clothing than the good one wears.
Anyway, when you say you're going to GET him, exactly how do you mean that...? ;)
SAMURAI: Yeah, I just meant, I seem to have this Sandy Frank Film trend goin' on for some reason. I didn't do it on purpose, either, which is what makes it kinda funny. And HEY, what do you mean, I'm the silliest one to turn into a Hot Chick? I'm sure there are others around here even LESS sexy than me....although you'd have to really dig to find them... :P No, seriously, in real life I ain't fat, ugly, or bald, or anything like that, but I'm a scrawny little brown-haired out-of-shape dork with glasses. So.....not exactly slinky. ;) Anyway, I still LIKE the powers you gave me and I'm gonna keep usin' 'em! BWAHAHA!
CARMELITA!! YOOHOO!! You're gonna want to hear THIS!!
I call up Dr. Erhardt and have him call up the DNA record of the Giant Spider (from Earth Vs. the Spider--he never "beamed" your Spidey, so it isn't in the records) from the pattern buffer and reconstruct it, the same way he did for me once. He almost faints but I ASSURE him it will only be on the race track, not anywhere near Deep 13. So he beams it in.
It comes right up to you, nuzzles you lovingly, and picks you up and puts you ON ITS BACK! Now you have another Giant Spider! It isn't a vehicle, so you can't stick people up its butt and shift its gears, but I think it's probably BIGGER than your old one. And faster! And aw, look, I think he LIKES you, Lita! :)
There! Don't say I never did nothin' for ya. Can we call a truce now? :)
DINGLE: Someone else mentioned MOLE PEOPLE and that reminds me--I still have some more evil henchmen I can use! So, I'm sending over Gerry and Sylvia to help with your concession stand! They're setting up their own table with a buffet ("THANK you, enjoy the buffet!") with your stuff, with food that you can sell. It's got stuff on it from Torgo's Pizza, the SOL Deli (or "Solie's"), Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn and the Big G Burger. And today, we're offering FREE Unhappy Meals for all the little kiddies!
Gerry and Sylvia ask for none of the profits of the food itself; only that you pay them a standard caterer's fee at the end of the day. Only fair.
COME AND GET IT! ;)
------------------------------------------------------------
AND NOW, BACK TO OUR STORY!
Dr. Clayton Debra Susan Forrester pounded on the vault door of the theater. "Mooommmm, let me OUT! It's 2:40 in the afternoon, I'm getting HUNGRY! Come on, what the hell are you DOING out there, anyway? It can't take you THAT long to get dressed! HEY!"
Reluctantly, the KTMA door sequence reverses itself (ending in a dogbone-latched door that I STILL think reminds me of the one they use in the Sci-Fi seasons), and don't ask me how doors can do things reluctantly, they just do. I mean, how the heck can ROBOTS have emotions and eat food? Anyway, Clayton staggers back onto the bridge finally to find...
Pearl Forrester, Evil Joel, AND EVIL CAPTAIN MIKE! WHOO!! (From the Star Trek universe. Wait, how'd HE get here?) all sitting around laughing and chatting together, drinking General Foods International Coffee
(Notices Mike for the first time.) "HEY! How'd he get here?! Oh, wait, that's right, the ship has its own link down to Gizmonics, doesn't it, I remember now..you must have called Larry...DUH..." Clayton decides to teleport Evil Mike just for the heck of it. She hits the Mads Button. "Oh, Larrrryyy...."
FWINK!!
And Evil Mike, complete with his sleeveless metallic vest and black pants, goatee, and all, suddenly appears INSIDE LITA'S GIANT SPIDER!
Whoo! NOW, Lita, if THAT doesn't make us friends again, nothing will. Ya got Mike--well, A Mike--all to yourself! HEE-HEE!
Okay, time to start some mayhem!
Larry beams Clayton, her motorcycle, AND Pearl down onto the track AHEAD OF EVERYONE ELSE! But just by a little bit. Anyway, enough to be past the giant mudpit and all that. Then, I summon the evil Spring Sprite and have him remove ALL the springs from ALL the vehicles that have them! BWAHAHA!!
Except for mine.
Then I banish him.
Okay, let's see you guys drive your cars and trucks now, HUH? HA!
Dr. Clayton Forrester pops the clutch and tells the world to EAT HER DUST!
--Clay--
"Oh, GOOD one, Frankie, WE'LL riff the movie if ya don't MIND! Geez!"
* * *
Curses!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
I'm falling back... I must do something!
(As Wurwolf drives by, VV wheels out and grabs on to the back of her van, and is towed along at an incredible speed)
Ha! As soon as we get near the finish line I'll drop this nifty jar of corrosive acid into the back of her van, then let go and coast to victory!
* * *
Don't mention it, Carm!!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile
Well then. As I whizz by the stands at top speed... hola!! Hey, are those my fan club?
MM: I think so.
It's tiny. I'm gonna go say "hi." Take the wheel, would you?
MM: Fine.
(Mel flys into the air. she goes over to the stands, where a tiny crowd is singing.)
Crowd: "Smelly Mel, Smelly Mel,
the sorta stinky heroine of us all!!"
Hey!! Shut up.
Crowd: "She turned into a mighty eagle
after alot of things happened,
But she's still good an' true!!"
Thank you.
Crowd: "So with Pig hats on our heads,
we cheer for her and hope she'll come over.
We have a gift for her!!"
Why thank you? What's your names??
Clowns: Oh, It's me! Clowns123! Along with CrowFan2000 down there, and Bucky the strange insano man, your boyfriend Forrest, and your teacher Frank. Oh, and look, Jack frost is here too!! And don't forget Timmy, the evil robot!!
Hi all.
(All of a sudden, Tom Servo jumps up from ramming LadyKenobi and says:)
Tom Servo: Give me one of those hats. I'll root for you!!
Why?
Tom Servo: Because I'm hungry, and you have bacon tied to your sled!! Timmy, don't you dare strangle me.
OK. Hey, don't expect to eat Archie, Bossie, or Jed. Where is Jed, by the way?
Clowns: That's our gift. Look, he fell from the sky!!
Jeeed!! Yayay!!
CrowFan: Just don't scathe him with your claws, or let your animal instinct take over and eat him!!
Gotcha.
Tom Servo: You know, I won't be in your fan club anymore if you don't let me eat him.
Well Tom, I DO have this Russian gruel. Want some?
Tom Servo: Yeah!!
Crowd: Our money's on you, Mel!!
That's nice. (Mel flys into the air holding Jed. Mushroom Man slows the sled at her arrival. She hops in, and Mushroom Man turns Jed into a boar. He hiches him up to the sled, and fits ice skates on him.)
Back in the race.
MM: Hey, where'd you put my gruel??
* * *
Altoids, the incredibly strong mint...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: ManMan
Deltoids, my incredibly strong funk. I just took a break from the race to go to the gym. Now I'm all hot and sweaty and stuff. It's gonna smell rank in here! Why am I not traumatized? It takes more than a trip to some other dimension to whack me for long. I'm made of sterner stuff than that!
ManMan
* * *
(Lita glances to the right) AAH!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Hey! It's Mike! And he's EVIL! And he has... a goatee? Hi! *smile*
Evil Mike: Shut up and drive you stupid woman! And who's this pansy in the back seat?
Lita: Uh... That's ManMan. He just got back from an alternate universe.
Evil Mike: Aw, that's nothing. He should quit crying all over himself and bite me. And I thought I told you to drive! We have a race to win!
Lita: Ok... Uh... Thanks Clay. This is better than my wildest dreams...
Evil Mike: (carving doodles into the dashboard with a big knife) So... Lita, is it? Come around here often?
Lita: Uh, could you not deface my Spider, please?
Evil Mike: I noticed that you have a big mural of me on top of your car, and I'm beating the crap out of that other guy...
Lita: Joel... yes... though I didn't think there was a clear winner in the picture...
Evil Mike: Wanna make out or somthin?
Lita: Uh... Yeah, but you know what's a better idea? Why don't you slide into the back seat with ManMan there until I need you ok?
Evil Mike: Well, I was just thinking...
Lita: (shakes her magic parsley sprig menacingly) OK???
Evil Mike: Right.
* * *
No one gets a free ride!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: soth
Wow, a lot happened since I left last night! PEOPLE ARE STEALING MY WAX TO GREASE THEIR CARS! I won't stand for it.
And to make matters worse, VV broke my radio/tape player/CD player! Gamera was going so well!
AND NOW YOU'RE HITCHING A RIDE? NOTHIN' DOIN'!
*Soth searches vainly for some sort of weapon*
*pulls out the Between-Meal Mortar, The Breakfast Bazooka's counterpart*
EAT TWINKIES! *fires off several Twinkies at VV*
And while I'm at it, I'll send Ho-Hos at the other racers for good measure.
*fires Ho-Hos at the Giant Spider, the Graysmobile, the Pigsled, and the SOL*
*races along at speeds in excess of 3 mph*
Soth
* * *
Shucks! No Piggy sammich!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
I want a piggy sammich! I will not rest until I do!
(Rimmer has Shirley the dancing Hamster takes the wheel as Rimmer crawls in the back to make a sammich- AND FINDS SHE HAS A STOWAWAY! It's none other than the ciggarette hag, the fair Lady Hargrove from The Deadly Bees.)
Rimmer: I'd been wondering where the smoke was coming from but it never occured to me to check. What are you doing here?
CH: The dog's meat. Have you seen it?
Rimmer: Pardon?
CH: The dog's meat. He only takes it from me.
Rimmer: Well that's rather upsetting. I wish I hadn't heard that. Well, as long as you're here you might as well be useful. Can you help me?
CH: Sure I can. I have these bottles of gravy (raises one to show the label reading 'Happy Sack Meat Gravy") that the dog really likes. Throw it at another car passing by and she's sure to come running for her meat.
Rimmer: Thanks. I'll do that!
(And look who's coming now. It's Vegeta. Rimmer throws the gravy out the window like a grenade. It splatters on him and Tess the hungry dog comes running!!!!!)
* * *
Look, Mushroom, over there! is that
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile
that guy you turned into a bear?
MM: I don't know.
Hey, he's cheering for... Lita? Hey, come over here and say that to my face, ya... owww!! On no!! Ho ho's!!! Oh, great. Now it's Rimmer and he's after all my piggies. Eat gruel!!!
MM: My gruel!!
Hahahaha!! (Mel flings the gruel into Rimmer's eyes)
* * *
Coming out of her incredibly long spin..
Date: 3/24/2000
From: manosgirl
manosgirl slides to a stop just at the edge of the mud pit. "Well, Tina, what are we going to do now-heyyyyyy!"
(Another earthquake propels the little car high into the air, over expoding toasters, melted ice cream, walnuts and Ho Ho's)
"Wooohhooo Tina's flying now!!!!"
"Shut up Tina. We're gonna land hard, hang on, we're going down!!"
The little car bounces twice then lands hard in the dense fog just as the crawling eye crawls past.
"Thank Glod this car has such good springs! Now let's get going and catch up to the rest of the racers!"
* * *
(starts throwing Happy Sack Meat Gravy
Date: 3/24/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
at everyone!!!!!)
Smelly Mel gets clonked on the head with a bottle.
soth gets a bottle of it all over his floor waxer.
manosgirl doesn't get one thrown on her but Tina does.
wurwolf gets 2 or 3 bottles of the potent Happy Sack Meat Gravy all over her jiggly suit.
VV gets some on his jiggly suit! (tee hee)
Tess the dog will be on(e) your collective tails so watch out!!!
* * *
(Mel thinks fast and...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile
Flys out of the car with the bottle. All of a sudden, she comes upon her fan club. She immediatly sites a new member, Brain Guy.)
Brain Guy: Well, Hi Mel! I... hey!!
(Mel begins shaking his brain.)
I need you to tell me where the *other* observer's brains are.
Brain Guy: Well, Bobo's got one, and there's another in the laundry chute at castle Forrester.
Great.
(All of a sudden, Bobo walks up, still holding the start gun. He waves a pan infront of Mel and her fan club.)
Bobo: I made more CHILLI DOGS!!
This race just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Like, very weird. Hey, Bobo. Do you still have the *mean* observer's brain?
Bobo: Why yes! Here is is, If you'd like to see it!
Great. (Mel pours the gravy on the brain as Tess the dog waddles up to her. She flings it like a frisbee, and Tess runs after it.)
TTFN!
Brain Guy/Bobo: Hey!!
(Mel flys off.)
* * *
Still in pursuit of the SOH...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: gypsymoon3
Hey, Clay! It wasn't you who blew me up - it was EVIL JOEL!!!! Evil Half-Naked Joel!!!! Oh well, I could have been blown up by a lesser vehicle, so I don't mind too much.
I activate my ship's Matter Tranference Device, aim it towards the dog's meat, and turn it into the dog's tofu!!! WHAT IN THE BLUE BLAZES IS WRONG WITH YOU GYPSYMOON3??? OH THE CANINITY!!!
Pumaman is getting very, very anxious to reunite with Cavewoman. Where are you Cavey??
5 hours and 49 minutes to go!!!
* * *
Bleacherites
Date: 3/24/2000
From: LadyKenobi
Lady Kenobi goes about appointing a federal comission to preserve every single reply to this post into an email-able text as a commemorative collector's item in honor of the World's Largest Example of People Throwing Away Productive Time With Both Hands; she is interrupted first by the sorrowful realization that her
hard drive won't be able to accommodate such a mammoth document anyway, and interrupted second by Servo whining at her for not providing them with something more substatial that the ice cubes.
Lady Kenobi rolls her eyes and hands him a fuzzy navel, which Servo hands back to her half-finished, muttering something about the Giant Spider entry disappearing, then suddenly reappearing, right in front of him.
Joel begins to speak, then whizzes his line and retreats for a second take.
Crow looks into scalping tickets for tonight's exciting race finale, and gives up in disgust when he discovers that they don't have any hair to begin with.
Mike wants to know if there's any more ice cubes.
* * *
Bad Tess! Down girl!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
(Shooes the dog away, but not before losing his grip on Wurwolf's van)
WAAAAAUGH!
(Slams into a tree)
* * *
(checks his evil invention database)
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Samurai88
(and finds an entry under "kitchen accidents")
hehe haha Ha He Ha MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You..... Are Going .... To Die ... Why? .... Because I ... Am Going ... To Kill You!
I found this entry as a sub folder under "kitchen accidents" and "Earth vs the Spider". All I have to do is mix up some California Chowderpoke Cornicopia Vegetable Jubilee in the same vat I was mixing uranium 235 in last night. Now flee in terror as Soup slithers forward on all fours! Sure on all fours. You think Soup is a biped?
Racers, meet Soup. Soup EAT THE RACERS! MUAHAHAHAHAHA
"KCTT"
Samurai88
* * *
Ack, Soup!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
(Pumps his arms furiously to avoid the monster)
Don't eat me.... don't eat me...
(Spies Rimmer, and chuckles evilly)
Hey Rimmer... I got a lifesize Curly from Red Zone Cuba doll, just for you!
(The doll marches up to Rimmer, introduces himself, exchanges pleasentries, comments on the weather, then, for no apparent reason, attempts to snap her neck)
* * *
Well Suck my toe! ..can't ... breathe...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
Mrs. Hargrove comes to my rescue! She starts smoking 12 cigarrettes at a time then puts the lits ends on the doll who goes up in flames like oily rags and flashpaper!
Then, while I recover from the assault, Mrs. Hargrove takes her ash tray with the cigrattes still smoking and dumps then into VV's lap!
CROTCH FIRE!!!! CROTCH FIRE!!!!! CROTCH FIRE!!!!!!!
* * *
Not Soup!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
And it has noodles too! What'll we do???
Evil Mike: Stop yer whining. You're getting worse than Boy George over here.
Lita: That's ManMan.
Evil Mike: Just take care of the soup, ok?
(Lita shakes her magic parsley sprig and teleports Spidey and co. ahead of the soup, and into the lead, leaving the rest of the racers wallowing behind.)
Evil Mike: Now that's what I'm talking about! Hey, what's his problem?
Lita: I don't think ManMan likes you much, Mike...
* * *
(Malcolm rewires the bombs VV gave him)
Date: 3/24/2000
From: MalcolmFrink
He wires then together then tosses them at Clay as she passes by. This time the explosion will be twice as big!!!
Now, back to wurwolf! She will be mine, oh yes, she will be mine!
* * *
Tina, covered in gravy, immediately
Date: 3/24/2000
From: manosgirl
starts to strip, causing mass ogling from the fans and the evil Soup.
"Keep stripping, Tina, we've got to distract the soup long enough to get the bejeebers out of here!"
"Good thing you've got your swimming suit on under there, you do have your swimming suit under there don't you-HEY!! There are children in the stands put your bra back on!!"
* * *
Beams out the soup...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: gypsymoon3
...and stores it in one of her freezer tubes.
Upon catching up with Frink, she instantly defrosts it and releases it into his van!!!!!
LET'S FLY, EXETER'S SHIP!!!
* * *
*After slight oggling...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: soth
Soth pulls himself back togather*
Having just cleaned my waxer of the horrible gravy, I now need a way of dealing with Killer Soup...
Hmm....SOOOOOODIUM!
*Soth hurls sodium at the killer soup, dehydrating it, at least temporarily*
Now I'm pulling out, and I need an offensive tactic to get these folks ahead of me...AH HA!
*Soth remembers his little button that comes on his waxer*
Remember, kiddies, the waxer wasn't the only thign in Space Mutiny! There were also....
*Soth pushes the big red button*
RAILINGS!
*railings pop up all over the road*
RAILING DEATHS, RAILING DEATHS!
Soth
* * *
YEEEAGH!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
(Attempts to put out the flames, trying to avoid damage to any sensitive areas. When the fire finally goes out, VVis standing in his boxers)
That's the last time you humiliate me, Rimmer!
(The boring guy from Future War returns. He stands in front of Rimmer, the cuts on his chest appearing and disappearing)
HA! They're there, then they're not! There, not... there, not... there, not... It will drive you insane... (Notices the mocking looks) What?? It's a good plan! Well, fine then!
(Flings flaming canola oil on Rimmer, then leaps in his wheelchair and pulls ahead of her yet again)
* * *
This should by me some time.
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Samurai88
(dresses a scarecrow in a thong swimsuit and presents it to MalcolmFrink)
Hehehe, that will keep him busy for hours since it has more personality than the last electrician's girlfriend!
I'm EVIL!
(Dashes into the lead)
"KCTT"
Samurai88
* * *
Where did all these railings come from??
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
(Spidey's many legs get caught in the railings. Lita, ManMan, and Mike must climb out and cut through the railings with saws in order to free him.)
Dangit! Work harder, Men! Soth is going to beat us *in a floor waxer*!!! I know!
(Lita throws a copy of Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself" at Soth. He is so caught up in MSTing all 52 verses, he doesn't even notice when Spidey is freed, and all his passengers sneak by, and speed ahead.)
Woo hoo!
Lita
* * *
I crashed!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: vijay
Barely coming out of the starting line, the MST3K themed car crashed. Though dejected and dissappointed, vijay told the swarming media cameras restraining tears: "Well, I just got to wait till next year, I will train twice as hard and hopefully things will go my way for next years MST3K Wacky Races. I like to
congratulate and commend my fellow competitors for a race well done, and Schmoe for sponsoring this event."
vijay
* * *
It's not the first time!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath
I've been covered in Happy Sack gravy before, and believe you me, I love it!
But oh no! Here comes Tess! You'd think she'd have been full after everyone else, but she wants me too!
(races away to find herself coming up fast on the soup! finds an abandoned bike ramp and zips up, flying into the air and over the soup!)
Whoohoo, get me! I'm airborn!
* * *
I should be safe from the railings...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Samurai88
... up here.
*clang* *CLANG* *CLANGITY CLANG CLANG CLANG*
(rushes to the viewer) Skyrailings?!?!?!?! Soth, you vicious bastard, I'll get you for this!
(puts the Zigra ship/monster in hover mode and goes out with a hack saw to clear the mess of tangled railings from the hull)
"KCTT"
Samurai88
* * *
Brap-ap-ap-pooh
Date: 3/24/2000
From: BloodFairy
I offered waffels to everyone, but no takers but Evil Joel(smells waffel)Tasety, golden brown goodness!Oh, well! What the..!Jetpack piece is running crappy(crashes into puddle of melted Carnation IceCream)"Ewwwwww!"
"Damn you, Commander Cody!" (kicks jetpack! Then looks into fuel tank) "Hellooooooo!" Oh empty. (looks around) No Gas-n-go in site! (stuffs hands in pockets) "Heyyy this has got to work!" (quickly fills tank w/ Mitchell Malt longneck) "Heh-Heh-Heh!Taste my non-ozonefriendly exhaust!" (Cranks up jetpack that screams up and away flames following) "What is in this stuff?!Whahooooo!" (Flames past grandstand burning off everyones eyebrows & closes in on the leaders)
* * *
No! My weakness!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: soth
I must MST this song!
*Soth starts to MST the song*
I...can't....stop...no....control!!
*other racers zoom by Soth*
Noooo!
*a sudden shot of energy disintegrates the song*
Who is that? Who saved me?
IT'S THE DEAD GIRL! The girl who died in Space Mutiny and came back! Hurray!
*Soth grabs the girl and sticks her on the front of his waxer*
Now I have a human shield that DOESN'T DIE! HAHAHA!
*Soth races off and clanks into his own railing*
Damn it. Ruined my own dramatic exit line.
*Soth saws through some railings and is off!*
Soth
* * *
(yelling at Tina to put her clothes back
Date: 3/24/2000
From: manosgirl
on)
"It's safe to go now, the soup's been transported and the railings have been hack-sawed, so let's BURN RUBBER BABY!!!
VVVVVRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!
SSSSOOOOOOOOOOODDDIIIIIIIUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMM!!!!!!!
* * *
(zips into the lead and opens the hatch)
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Samurai88
You have defeated my Soup?!? Well, take this!
(Dumps all the padding from every Cy Roth film ever made onto the road). Let's see how long it takes you to get around that much padding. "Firemaidens from Outer Space" alone would be hard enough.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough*
"KCTT"
Samurai88
* * *
Padding! Hooray!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
It's so soft on my Giant Spider's feet! He's never run so fast! Everybody else has to plow through it, but since he's a spider, he can easily climb over all kinds of things! Thanks Sam!
Lita
* * *
(rimsey feels like starting a dance...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
number!)
Woo hooo! Anyone care to join me?
Pulls car over and steps out in a poofy fur coat.
"My baby took me to a dance last night......"
I need some back up singers. Who's in?
* * *
Doo-wap! Doo-wap!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
I always wanted to be a backup singer!
(Lita climbs out of Spidey and does a little shimmie)
La da dee de doo!
Lita
* * *
*Soth stops to sing*
Date: 3/24/2000
From: soth
*Soth starts singing showtunes*
Oooooooklahoooomaaaa!
Master of the house! Quick to catch your eye! Never wants a passerby to pass him by!
Fame! I'm gonna live forever!
*Soth stops*
Hey! I know how to get past the padding!
I may not like the songs, but...
*Soth starts singing Limp Bizkit's "Nookie" and "Break Stuff"*
*A huge crowd shows up and starts rioting like they did at Woodstock '99. They burn all the padding and hurl it off the road*
Whoohoo! On to victory!
*as the police show up to stop the riot, Soth explains that Samurai was the cause and that he's just escaped*
You have the authorities after you now, Sam. MWAHAHAHA!
*zooms off at speeds in excess of 3mph*
Soth
* * *
The Angry Masses
Date: 3/24/2000
From: LadyKenobi
Servo complains that the track management isn't playing any rockin' Jock Jams to properly pump up the crowd, and borrows Mike's stereo to blast "Theme From a Summer Place," followed by the dogs- barking version of "Jingle Bells."
Joel is working on an epic poem honoring the race. He gets two stanzas in, finds himself becoming dangerously pretentous, and stops just short of wearing a beret it all seasons.
Mike yells at Servo for his tate in music, shoves him aside, and cues up the kicky twisting music of "The Creeping Terror." He and Lady Kenobi dance like the rhythmless awkward white people they are.
With Lady Kenobi's application for a federally mandated e-mail preservation of the race no longer an option, Crow decides to videotape it for posterity. He finds the cardboard box camera from "Future War" and starts yelling at the participants to RACE LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
* * *
I'm lost; should I ask for directions? 3/24/2000 HenryX
* * *
Come on Poomey, you can't tire on me now
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Cavewoman
Giddy up, you slow poke! I told you not to eat that whole plate of onion rings at Dennys last night, you moron!
* * *
I can see the finish line!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath
We're getting close! You dopes go ahead and sing and dance, I'm gonna plow right through you and win this race! EAT OOEY GOOEY RICH AND CHEWEY DEATH!
(blows past the singers and churns up dust and stuff in their faces!)
* * *
Soars across the sky in a silver streak!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Schmoe_of_Space
I loves the alliteration! It's by far my favorite writing term. Wheeeeeee! (drops freshly shined shoes on the rest of the racers)
Eat patent leather death!
fw!!
* * *
*pulls out all the stops...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: soth
and all his weapons*
Don't try and stop me, I have more weapons than can be imagined!
They're kinda slowing me down though.
*tosses most of them out*
I have....a pen and paper! I can MST your reply posts!
Soth
* * *
Aaak! We're way behind, Mushroom!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Smelly_PigMobile
I've got an idea. Quick, give me that sprig!! (Mel grabs it from the startled Mushroom Man.)
I'm gonna turn you all into... FLYING CHEETAHS!!!!! HAHAHAHA! Ow! I just got hit by a patent leather... hey!!
(Mel shakes the sprig with her talon, and Bossie, Archie, and Jed turn into flying cheetahs. The sled soars into the air, and the falling shoes with them. Mel then shakes the sprig over the 4 shoes, and simultaniously touches them with her sceptor. They turn into ice guns.)
Mushroom Man, arm yourself!!
(Mel shoots some ice from her gun into Schmoe, Cavewoman, and the racers below.)
I can see the finish line!! Hya!!
(Mel and her sky sled zooms into the lead...
* * *
(Lita starts walking on her hands...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
...and passes Soth)
Ha ha ha! Come on Spidey, lets get going!
(Lita jumps back into her Spider and they zoom away)
Lita
* * *
(Dumps honey on the road)
Date: 3/24/2000
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
Special super sticky honey. (I grow my own!)
Everyone gets stuck in it!!!!!
Mwahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
* * *
Almost there...
Date: 3/24/2000
From: _VeGeTa_vampire
MST all you want, Soth, I'm still going to make you eat my dust!
(Deftly avoids the honey and speeds onwards)
* * *
Ugh! Honey!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Lita: Evil Mike! Get out and clean that up so that we can get through!
Evil Mike: You do it.
Lita: I have to drive you lazy ass! Get out there before I turn you into a sheep! I still have my parsley sprig, you know.
Evil Mike: Why doesn't he have to do anything?
Lita: ManMan? Are you still here? Fell asleep, I guess. Mike! Clean up that honey!
Evil Mike: But...
Lita: Scoot!
(Evil Mike gets out and starts mopping up the honey. Slowly but surely Spidey is able to slog through.)
* * *
(Whips out the toaster and some bread)
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Schmoe_of_Space
Honey! Yummy! You all finish the race whilst I have myself a picnic. Care to join to me, wurwolf, my dear?
fw!!
* * *
FASTEST THING ALIVE! WHOO!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Sidehacker
...or not.
Anyway, HEY, guys, I'm here! Well, how to defuse the things people have done to me since I was away...
Okay. Here's the deal. This happened a while ago, but from my point of view, which you couldn't see until now.
Malcolm Frink threw the two bombs at me.
BUT it hit Soup instead.
Soup absorbed the blow. But a piece of it fell off and was captured by Sylvia who immediately made it into another dish from The SOL Deli. Yummy-nums!
Then THE CRAWLING EYE (which everybody seems to have conveniently forgotten about) froze a lot of random people for fun and decapitated about five extras from the crowd.
GAOS helped get rid of the railings by shooting them with his lasers. Then he did that gas thing on the track again. Now, it's REALLY hard to see!
(Interesting that while Gamera himself, who normally wins these battles, died INSTANTLY, his enemies that usually lose are all still alive? Remember, Barugon and Guiron are still here too, doing...whatever it is they do. If they've been
killed, I don't remember reading it.)
EVIL JOEL took a quantum torpedo or two to the Sky-Railings, clearing them out of ALL the spaceships' way, not just his own. Hey, he wants ROOM ta move, man! Yeah, Daddy-O!
DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER was thrown to the side by the remaining power of the blast, but not hurt, and found herself at the concessions stand. Where she immediately ordered a space-burger with cheese and Venusian Mushrooms, some curly nebula fries, and a Martian Raspberry Shake from the Big G Burger, and Pearl ordered a Manos: Hams of Fate Sandwich "wItH sPeCiAl SaUcE..." from the SOL Deli, which takes longer to make.
And FRANK was there, working as one of the cashiers! Hi, Frank!
Clayton takes him on her bike and sneaks off while Pearl was waiting for her sandwich, leaving her mother behind in the dust. HAH! BYE, MOM! SO LONG!
Then she gets OFF the track and rides around through the mountainy dirt trail area nearby, the same way she was doing at the beginning of this mess, to avoid the honey. Once she's past it, she tells the Crawling Eye to FREEZE THE HONEY, thereby making everybody REALLY stuck! HA-HA!
And ZOOMS into the lead! Vrrroommmm!
(LADYKENOBI: I AM going to preserve this race! Not as an e-mail file, but as a page--actually, SEVERAL pages, so no one part is too long--on my website. It'll take me a while but I AM doing it. When it's done I'll show you the addresss.)
Put the pedal to the medal and PUSH THE (ACCELERATOR) BUTTON, FRANK! WHOOO!
--Clay--
"It's 'Who's Killing Who?', the wacky new game, and YOU can play!"
* * *
**** SCREEEEEE! ****
Date: 3/24/2000
From: AngelsVanODeath
Schmoe, baby, you don't have to ask me twice! You, me, honey and toast -- the hell with the race! Let's get busy, baby.
When we're done eating maybe we can get to knocking boots, hon!
Whoohoo!
* * *
*BFoooom!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: BloodFairy
(Blazing overhead at way unsafe speeds)A big mega-glog of SuperStick Honey in the road! What's the natural enemy of honey?
WAFFELS! (Scatters waffels over honey while flaming by) "Good day racers!"
* * *
You shan't take me alive!!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Cavewoman
No honey is going to stop Puma Man! At least not as long as he can jump over the spill.
Puma Man is tired from his last night eating binge so let's hope he can make it.
* * *
Look at you using the lingo!
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Schmoe_of_Space
Up, up, up, in the van we go!
Tell us when the race is over, people.
fw!!
* * *
(opens the door to her van)
Date: 3/24/2000
From: wurwolf
Come on in, Schmoe baby. Just you and me in here. :o) Wait'll you see what I have this van rigged to do.
(door closes, muffled giggles come from inside)
* * *
(Sees the van rocking)
Date: 3/24/2000
From: MalcolmFrink
"Don't worry fair lady! I'm an electrician! I will save you from this creep!"
(Bursts in on them like in the movie Back to the Future)
"Take your damn hands off her!!!"
* * *
Now I'm getting mean.
Date: 3/24/2000
From: Samurai88
So, you Whacky Racers survived my Soup and my padding and Soth's railings and the honey... EAT THIS MuahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
(lowers the Zigra ship/monster to just a few feet off the ground and fires all thrusters thus creating.......)
Saaaaaaaaandstorm ....... SAAAAAAAAAANDSTORM!!!!
It's all part of a little something I like to call...
DEEEEEEEEP HURRRRRRRRRTING! DEEEEEEEEEP HURRRRRRRRTING!
See ya at the finish line!
"KCTT"
Samurai88
* * *
(shakes fist) Damn you, Malcolm! 3/24/2000 wurwolf
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tourists have been stupid enough to dare to watch the Wacky Races since April 5, 2000. Of course, they were all tragically killed by flaming waffles.