Groucho Marx
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool
you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get
rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody
turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as
members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more
than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of
you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and
so will my wife.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like
apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh...
Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my
disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
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