Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days the statue. 
 
            
 
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner 
or later, you'll inhale a bee. 
 
            
 
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.
And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and 
a car rusts and... 
 
            
 
          Kids in the back seat cause accidents; 
          accidents in the back seat cause kids. 
 
            
 
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 
 
            
 
Without ice cream, life and fame are meaningless. 
 
            
 
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
 
            
 
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 
      
            
 
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of 
alphabet soup?
 
             
 
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. 
Just take another road. That's why the highway
department made so many of them. 
 
            
 
          Always drink upstream from the herd. 
 
            
 
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 
 
            
 
Practice safe eating - always use condiments. 
 
            
 
        Save the whales!!...collect the whole set.
 
            
 
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do 
is stop diggin'. 
 
            
 
          Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day. 
 
            
 
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats...
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 
 
            
 
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid
someone will clean them? 
 
            
 
If you got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 
 
            
 
Buy 50 female pigs and 50 male deer — and you’ll have a hundred
sows and bucks. 
            
 
            I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
 
            
 
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 
 
           
 
Just remember..You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess
on the neighbor's car!
 
            
 
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
 
            
 
          Got kleptomania?  Take something for it. 
 
            
 
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're
in the bathroom. 
 
            
 
Eagles may soar, but groundhogs don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
            
 
       Why aren't "hemorrhoids" called "asteroids"? 
 
            
 
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.      
 
            
             
I fear that one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze, and I won't 
know what to say. 
 
            
 
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? 
I think that's how dogs spend their lives. 
 
            
 
          Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 
 
            
 
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
you tried. 
 
             
 
I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere.
 
             
 
I have several hobbies I enjoy to the fullest.  I have a
large sea shell collection that I keep scattered on beaches 
all over the world.  Maybe you've seen it? 
 
             
 
If progress means to move forward, what does Congress mean?
 
             
 
             Atheism is a non-prophet organization 
 
             
 
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. 
 
             
 
Dogs lick you because they love you. 
Cats lick you because you had chicken for dinner. 
 
             
 
The older I get,the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 
 
             
 
            A day without sunshine is like, night. 
 
             
 
       Make God laugh, tell Him your plans for the future. 
 
             
                  
Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?" 
 
             
 
When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a 
quicksand box.  I was an only child...eventually.           
 
             
        
            Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
 
             
 
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
 
              
 
            Skydivers are good to the last drop. 
 
              
 
Man was provided an imagination to compensate him for
what he is not. And was provided a sense of humor to
console him for what he is. 
 
             
 
            Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
 
             
 
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
 
             
 
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 
 
             
 
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? 
 
             
 
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather.. 
..Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 
 
             
 
1)  Can you do it? 
2)  How good can you do it? 
3)  If you can't do it good how well can you fake it? 
4)  How long can you last? 
  And most important... 
5)  Will they want you to come back and do it again!! 
 
             
 
           Trust everybody ... then cut the cards. 
 
             
 
Remember you are unique!  Just like everyone else.
 
             
 
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
 
             
 
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
 
             
 
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
 
             
 
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?  
 
             
 
             BE REALISTIC! Plan for a miracle.
 
             
 
You're just jealous because the VOICES are talking to me.
 
             
 
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is 
like the IRS.  
 
             
 
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
 
              
 
               Clones are people, two 
 
             
 
DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law. 
 
             
 
     Mental backup in progress-----Do Not Disturb! 
 
             
 
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 
 
             
 
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?   
 
             
 
On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.     
 
             
 
People will accept your idea much more readily if you
tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. 
 
             
 
            Boycott shampoo...  Demand REAL poo! 
 
             
 
               A hard man is good to find.
             
             
 
                Follow your dream!
Unless it's the one where you're at work in your 
underwear during a fire drill. 
 
                
 
A mouse is just an elephant built by the Japanese.
 
             
 
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains 
so popular? 
 
                      
 
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 2,345,678,987,654,321  
 
             
 
If you live by the jump shot, you die by the jump shot. 
That's why we need more money for jump shot awareness 
and education.
 
               
 
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 
 
             
 
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never 
tried before. 
 
             
 
          When there's a will, I want to be in it! 
 
             
 
                   
                          
                       
                       
* We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.  
  You Will Be Assimilated. * 
 
 
     
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