Yep, another offering at the altar of Angst. Don't you love it?

Disclaimer: Go to the disclaimer link and read it.

Rating: Hmm...er...uh...um...well...yeah...you know...see, what it is,
        is...you get the picture.

Deconstructing Mulder: I Let You Down
by
Tamani R. Green (the wonderful, fabulous, gorgeous, glamorous...)

***********************************************************************
Dave Matthews Band

I Let You Down

I let you down
Let me pick you up
I let you down
Let me climb up you to the top
So I can see the view from up there
Tangled in your hair...

(chorus)
I let you down
I have no lid upon my head
But if I did
You could look inside and see what's on my mind
You could look inside and see what's on my mind

I let you down, forgive me
You give me...love
Let me walk with you, maybe I could say...
Maybe talk with you, open up
And let me through
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
 
(repeat chorus)

I let you down
How could I be such a fool like me
I let you down
Tail between my legs
I'm a puppy for you, love
I'm a puppy for you, love

(repeat chorus)

I let you down
I'm a puppy for your love
I'm a puppy for your love
Forgive me
Forgive me
Forgive me
I let you down
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    He sat there and thought about all the times she had been there for
him and the times when he ditched her, insulted her, hurt her, 
questioned her loyalty, called her a disbeliever in both him and in
their quest for the truth. 
    The real truth of the matter was that he had let her down. Far more
times than he could count. It took one woman in five billion to put up
with his wide array of shit. Scully was that woman. He even told her
so.
    He really did mean it at the time, although he knew he was playing
his trump card. He knew just what to say, what buttons to push, what
strings to pull to get her to do what he wanted. Dance, puppet, dance.
And as he lay there in that Chicago hospital bed, he thought about 
what he said. And he felt bad about it, but he felt justified in doing
it. Anything to let the truth be known. Yes, he was a great defender of
the truth. And she was his defender.
    But who was her defender? She could defend herself admirably. And
did, often. Oh, sure he'd rushed in to save the day on numerous
occasions. But when had he been there when it really counted?
    Yeah, he held her and dried her tears. But she had done that for
him time and again. She kept giving while he pulled ever farther away.
He knew how she felt about him. If he didn't he'd be blind. Maybe in
some respects he was blind. Or just ignoring it. That's it. Maybe if
you ignore it, it'll go away.
    And she was going to do just that. Go away and leave him to his
solitary journey. And even then, during his protestations and soul-
bearing confessions of need, the words rang hollow still. And they
only focused on what it would mean to him if she left him and their
quest. Never realizing that it never had been her journey to make in 
the first place. Just another innocent victim of the Mulder steamroller. 
Another roadkill in the path to the truth. 
   And he played on her feelings for him, the card he kept in his back
pocket for easy use. And it had worked once again. It was only after
she had been stung by that damn bee that he began to consider what the
real depth of her feelings for him were. 
   And he realized that he needed her. Not for the quest. Not because
she was his back-up. Not because she was able to soothe the savage
beast, as it were. But because he came to the conclusion that the
world would be a lesser place if she did not inhabit it.
   Not just for him. But for her mother, her brothers, her friends. All
the people whose lives the woman seems to be able to touch through a 
single glance. And Fox William Mulder performed one of the few 
unselfish acts of his life.
   The saving of a human life because of its self-worth, not because
of its worth to him. 
   And in this, he did not let her down.
   But there was more. And he wasn't sure if more was the right thing.
   The eternal paradox.
   Gain a lover or lose a friend?