No Summary, I'm too mad at having to retype this from memory. Grrr.
I hate Tripod now. The bastards. :P

Fuck a disclaimer. I claim every single character I use. So there.
Rating? What fucking rating?

To D-Sexy From The Spook
by
Me, duh.

    "You're kidding me."
    "Not at all."
    "But that *can't* be his real name."
    "It is. I got my information from a *very* reliable source."
    "Since when did *you* get sources?"
    "If I told you, I'd have to kill you."
    "Scully, you're full of shit."
    "Oh, am I?"
    "Yep. And whoever this *source* of yours is, they're bullshitting
you."
    "Past tense, Mulder. Bullshat me. And I assure you, it's true."
    "But that *can't* be Cancerman's real name. It's improbable."
    "And since when did probability become a requirement for 
believability?"
    "You're right there. But still..."
    "Look, I have the proof right here." She handed him a manila 
folder.
    Mulder took the folder, flipped it open and read the contents.
    "It's clever fakes."
    "They're not fakes. I had them checked out by a disinterested 
party."
    "So the man's name is KHAN?!! As in Star Trek II - Wrath of Khan?"
    "Yep."
    "How do you know?"
    "Because I just do."
    "Well, there you are, then."
    "So you're saying I'm gullible?"
    "Well let's just say if a guy had some magic beans, you'd buy 'em."
    "I don't have to take this from you of all people. Screw you, 
Mulder, I'm going home."
    "But Scully - "
    "Screw you, home." She said in a perfect imitation of the fat kid
from 'South Park.' And then she left.
    A shadowy figure emerged shadowily from the shadows of the shadowy
apartment. As shadowy figures tend to do.
    "Well, you certainly got rid of her, son." Cancerman said.
    "Hey, dipwad. What are you doing here?"
    "Doing what I do best. Lurking in the shadows being a shadowy 
figure."
    "I'm surprised I didn't smell the scent of stale nicotine, moth
balls and old lies that hangs around you."
    "Sorry son. Not everyone can be so pure that the scent of Ivory
soap, Crest toothpaste and fresh ozone fragrances our every step."
    "Look, buttwipe, I am *not* your son."
    "Such charming language. You certainly didn't learn that from me."
    "Yeah. I only learned how to piss people off from you."
    "And you're doing an admirable job of it, if I may say so."
    Just then a bullet flew in through the open window, its little
wings flapping hard from the fast journey. Cancerman was shot dead in
the head.
    "NOOO!!!" Mulder went to Cancerman's side.
    "Come closer, son."
    Mulder leaned in.
    "Closer."
    Cancerman's voice was fading and Mulder leaned in ever closer.
    "I SAID CLOSER!!!!" Cancerman yanked Mulder down closer. There was
a lot of life left in the old fart after all.
    "What is it?"
    "There is...another...Skywalker..." Cancerman died.
    "Yeah, so? I already knew that from the movie."
    Cancerman came back. "I just thought it was something cool to say."
And then he died again, for good this time. (We hope)
    And then in true William Shatner-Oscar-nominated-angst-ridden style
Mulder screamed, "KHAN!!!!!!"
    
The next day. Duh.
12 noon
ok, Saturday. Specific enough for you?

    The phone rang because someone was calling. Thank you Captain
Obvious. Anyway, our fearless redhead picked up the receiver to silence
the shrieking of the device. 
    "Hullo?" Voice clouded with the cotton-candy-pink-vapors of 
dreamland, breath icky from heavy-consumption-of-cigarettes-and-cheap-
wine.
    "Morning, sunshine!"
    "My, you're full of pep." She sneered.
    "Oooh, yeah."
    "So... What do you want, Mulder? It's only noon."
    "*Only* noon? You're still asleep?"
    "Well I can't be asleep and talking to you at the same time, now
can I?"
    "I...guess not."
    "And you are the man with a degree from Oxford. Jesus, their 
standards are low."
    "That was foul."
    "And?"
    "Anyway, I had to bury you-know-who last night."
    "You-know-who?"
    "Yeah, you know."
    "No. Who?"
    "If you don't know by now, you'll never know."
    "Who? Khan?"
    "Yep."
    "You killed him?"
    "I didn't say I killed him. I just buried him."
    "So how'd the dipwad buy it?"
    "Somebody shot him through my window."
    "Who?"
    "Captain Kirk? Bones? Spock? I don't know. But the fact remains
that Khan is dead."
    "And you called to tell me this why?"
    "Scully, I thought you'd be glad our archrival is dead."
    "Mulder, I knew the fucker was dead last night."
    "HOW?!!"
    "Shut up and I'll tell you."
    "*Well*?"
    "I did it."
    "What?!"
    "Yep. With a nice little rifle and sight-finder with laser beam
targeting."
    "I had no idea you were capable of murder."
    "I shot your monkey ass, didn't I?"
    "I didn't know you were aiming to kill."
    "How could you NOT know?"
    "Well...the fact that I'm still alive?"
    "Mere oversight."
    "Are you working for THEM?!!!"
    "No, idiot. I just can't stand your foolish butt."
    "But, Sculleeee..."
    "Stop whining or I'll shoot you again. This time in a very 
uncomfortable place."
    "Like where? The back of a Volkswagen?"
    *SIGH* "No, my innocent one. In a place men fear to be shot."
    "Ohhhh."
    "Yes, dear. THERE."
    "Am I really your dear."
    "No. And you'd better not try anything, or I'll kick your ass."
    "Yes, sir. I mean, ma'am."
    "Hey, Scully?"
    "What?"
    "Who was your favorite member of the Partridge Family?"
    "Huh?"
    "Who was your favorite member of the Partridge Family?"
    "David Cassidy."
    "Why him?"
    "Why not? He was brutally hot. Still is."
    "So you like older guys?"
    "And so?"
    "So nothing, if you like changing some wrinkled guy's diapers."
    "So you're maligning my choice of men?"
    "Uh...yeah, I was!"
    "At least my dates aren't inflatable."
    "Ouch."
    "And on that note, you've pissed me off enough. Don't call here
for the rest of the day."
    "Are you kidding?"
    "Did I stutter?"
    "No, sir. I mean, ma'am."
    "Bye, Mulder." She hung up on him. Scully got up, showered, got
dressed, ate breakfast, and went to do some grocery shopping. While
driving in the car, she had the radio on to some station that plays
hits and dusties.
    The DJ was some guy who sounded like Austin Powers.
    "Well, we've got an unusual request coming over the airways. This
song is dedicated to D-Sexy from the Spook. D-Sexy wherever you are,
the Spook wants you to know that you're groovy baby, yeah!"
    David Cassidy singing "I Think I Love You" began to play.
End.
Sufficiently horrid and non-linear? GOOD!!! Maybe I can write something
of substance now.